Sister has disowned me after I called for a wellness check

[TheLittleThings]

Hello, everyone. This is my first post here and I'm reaching out because something recently happened and I feel like I need some support. I am new here, but have been reading many other posts and I am very grateful to this community. I hope this message isn't too long, I just wanted to provide some context.

My sister, who is two years older than me, has all of the DSM listed symptoms of BPD and has been suffering her entire life. She and I have a volatile relationship that has been steadily getting more strained and distant over the last decade or so, partially due to my seeking therapy and setting better boundaries for myself with her and partially because her behavior and life choices have become more extreme, dangerous, self-involved, hurtful, and alienating.

Last weekend, I received a frantic phone call from a friend of my sister's who told me that she was on the highway trying to get to my sister's house and that my sister had told her that she had swallowed multiple bottles of sleeping pills and had said that she "didn't want to be here anymore." The friend was very distressed and asked that I call the police. I was very worried at this point also, as my sister has 5 young children, two of whom were with her, and because her ex-husband - the father of the two youngest children - who is hiding from police after skipping parole in drug court and with whom she has a very volatile and sometimes verbally abusive relationship with was staying at her house. My sister also told me via text message less than two weeks ago how she was feeling so depressed she couldn't manage to take care of herself and had no desire to do anything.

I called the police and requested a wellness check first because I was worried if she had taken these pills that time was of the essence and asked that a cop call me back when they had more information after arriving. I then called my sister three times and her phone went straight to voicemail each time.

My sister's friend arrived at her house and told me that my sister was very angry and behaving erratically. I then got a call from the police telling me that my sister was conscious and able to answer all of their questions and that she was very anti-police and asked them all to get off of her property.

I then started receiving messages from my sister telling me that she hates me and will never forgive me for doing this to her. She went willingly, but has been placed in a hospital on psychiatric hold for 72 hours and her younger children are with her ex-husband. She was very angry and emotionally dysregulated and says that it is my fault that this happened to her because I called the police based on false information. The messages continued all night long and were increasingly hateful and abusive - lots of insults, name calling, and telling me that I would never see her or her children again and that she would hate me "until the end of time."

She has been in a custody fight with the father of her older children and as a result of this hospitalization he has filed an order of protection against her and is trying to take full custody of the kids. She now has supervised visits with them for the next few weeks until their next court date. She had been in fear of losing her job prior to this and I fear that she will most certainly lose her job now (which is not even close to the first time she has been let go).

I am devastated at the thought of not seeing my nieces and nephew again. I am terrified of how this will impact them. I am sad and worried for my sister and how hard her life is because of this illness. She has made poor choices her entire life - excessive alcohol use, volatile relationships, risky sexual behavior, poor money habits and excessive spending, the list goes on. She and my mother have been estranged for the past month after an argument where my sister was particularly verbally abusive toward my mother and physically pushed my mother out of her home. My mother is my sister's biggest lifeline - she provided emotional and financial support, including paying my sister's mortgage every month and many of her bills, as well as emergency funding (of which there were many). My sister sent my mother a half-hearted apology text and my mom decided she needed more time before resuming a relationship with her. My sister is now furious again with my mom for her not forgiving her already and she has called her a horrible, selfish person.

I told my sister that I am very sorry that this happened and that I am very sad for her and the kids, but that my calling the police for a wellness check based on the information that I had is not the reason this has all happened. I told her that I am here to help her and support her, but that I will not be answering her phone calls so that she can berate and abuse me and I will not be responding to abusive, hateful text messages. I told her that I hope at some point she can see the way that her actions have influenced the outcomes of her life. I feel that I need to set and uphold  boundaries to protect myself from her. The only way this could be potentially remedied at this point is by me throwing myself at her feet, groveling, saying I'm sorry (I'm not sorry for calling for a wellness check given what I knew), and taking all the responsibility for this. She is unable to see how she has played a hand in this situation and all of the situations that came before and contributed to this one.

I am feeling horribly anxious about this. I am wondering if I am abandoning my sister. She told me I am stuck up and self-righteous and I'm wondering if I am. I can't imagine having done anything different. I've spoken to my therapist, partner, mom, and others about this, and they've seen the abuse and chaos. They agree that boundaries are necessary. But there is no fixing this right now, and I am heartbroken about the kids and worried for my sister's wellbeing.

Thank you for reading this and allowing me to share. If anyone has any thoughts or has been through something similar, I would love to hear from you.

[CC43]

Little Things,

I'm sorry your sister is tormenting you after you tried to help her once again.  I think you have a very good read on the situation.  But even if you understand her behavior, it still hurts, right?  And you are worried sick about losing contact with her children.  If your sister stresses you out, I can only imagine what she's doing to the kids.

I think that your original response to your sister was totally on point.  It seems like you have a really good grasp of enforcing boundaries, to protect yourself.  Plus, even if you grovel and apologize, your sister won't feel any better in the long term, unless she gets treatment.

You ask if people have been through something similar.  I'd say I have.  For many years, my stepdaughter used suicidal threats and attempts whenever she didn't get what she wanted.  It was like a nuclear arms race of assured destruction.  And when people called the police on her, she completely twisted the facts of the story and made the caller out to be the villain/abuser.  In her mind, people weren't concerned for her welfare or trying to save her life.  No, in her mind, they ASSAULTED her and ABUSED her by calling the cops, FORCING her to be held AGAINST HER WILL in a hospital for a week.  I think she might truly believe this twisted version of events, but I'm not 100% sure, because she lies and twists facts so much!  That's what BPD can do to people--under stress, it can cause paranoia and delusions like this; but at the same time, they can appear to be composed, rational and in control when they need to be, to manipulate others to get their way.  And invariably, she portrays herself as a victim, even though in actuality, she instigated all her own problems.  Her thinking is so confused and convoluted, she doesn't accept cause and effect (if I threaten suicide, people will believe me, and out of concern, they'll call the cops or ambulance and try to save my life).  Instead, she'll say she hates you and insults you with incredible cruelty.  But in reality, that's just what she thinks of herself--she's deflecting her self-hatred onto you, while blaming you in the process.  That's pretty standard for BPD.

But even if you understand the behaviors and the twisted thinking/logic, that doesn't necessarily make it easy for you to cope.  I'm in that boat right now, too.  I feel like I understand my stepdaughter's stresses and irrational thinking, which leads to her self-destructive decision making, and yet I'm still distressed by her behavior.  That's in part because my husband, out of guilt and fear, repeatedly rescues her and protects her from feeling many of the adverse consequences of her decisions, leading to even more dumb decisions.  The pattern of enablement is creating stress in our marriage and on our wallets.  Having said that,  it is true that DBT therapy has gotten my stepdaughter to a much better place right now.  Even so, it always seems like she's a heartbeat away from an impulsive, costly, bad decision, for which she invariably blames her family.  Classic BPD.

[js friend]

Hi TheLittle Things,

I would have to say first of all that you absolutely did the right thing in calling the police and you did is what any concerned person would do. I would image if she is saying that she is so depressed that she cannot even take care of herself then there would also be an issue around her taking care of her kids.
My situation is a little bit different but maybe somewhat similiar on how it has played out. My udd has 3 children. 3 years ago the eldest gc made some claims of my physical abuse to her and her sister by my udd so I decided to have a word with udd. Since then my udd has gone NC with me and not allowed me to see my grandkids. This may also be the outcome and if so,  you should  be reassured to know that everytime you look in the mirror you know that you did the right thing.  I know that I do. I also sleep well at night knowing I was the person to step in. The thing is pwbpd do not like to be told "NO" or be held accountable for anything, or look inwardly  so they just often just go ballistic and blame others. Hopefully your sister is now in a place where she can get the help and the   treatment she needs and her kids are now being well and truly looked after.

[js friend]

sorry typo error.

should say "gc made claims of physical abuse to her and her sister by my udd"

[Notwendy]

I think you did the right thing. As to being "disowned"- I have been "disowned", and then "reowned" and it's possible this is a temporary reaction from your sister and she may try to go back on it later. It doesn't seem like her partners are very stable but if the father of her older children is the more stable parent, then it could be for the best that the kids are with him.

You, being a stable family member, may be able to arrange with whoever has custody of them to have contact with the kids once this is settled out. My BPD mother and my father's family had a strained ( but they kept it cordial) relationship but she was willing to have us spend time staying with them. It also gave her a break from that responsibility and it was good for us to be with emotionally stable family members.

A main difference between your sister and my BPD mother is that she married my father- a stable partner who acted as an emotional caretaker for her. He protected her from consequences of her own behavior but I also think that being hospitalized may have benefitted her. Parts of your statement about your sister : She has made poor choices her entire life - excessive alcohol use, poor money habits and excessive spending, the list goes on. could apply to my mother too but my father had the means to tolerate it and he did, and so her behaviors continued.

For your sister- having to experience the consequences of her behavior, her making threats to harm herself- is in a way, better than to have her behaviors enabled. Your mother has been enabling her- and I think this is a natural response for a parent to want to protect her child. However, enabling an adult isn't good for them as then they aren't motivated to change their behaviors if changing is possible. I don't know if it is possible but to not enable at least opens up that possibility.

Of course your sister is angry at you. She didn't get her way and now she's facing consequences. Young children do this too when they don't get their way- have a temper tantrum. This is an adult temper tantrum and it's scary to be experiencing this- but you did the right thing. Imagine if a parent let their toddler eat only cookies instead of healthy food so they don't tantrum. The child learns that tantruming works to get their cookies but it's not good for them to eat cookies instead. Your sister's raging has worked for her to get what she wants. This time, it didn't.