Enjoying things again? Why do I feel so guilty..

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hi all heres a bit of an update
Today I woke up feeling hopeful.

I had a really good conversation with my mom about my fears for the future and whether J will come back and try to recycle our relationship again.

She reminded me that even if he comes back around, by the time he does, I'll be in a much better position to speak my truth and defend my decisions. I'm not in a good space right now to be making any decisions about letting him in as the habits of forgiveness is still in the forefront of my heart. 
I thought about his family (who is visiting right now -not surprising the breakup occurred before his mom arrived -- it's happened before)

I looked objectively at the family issues that have played a background role to the turbulence of my relationship since we were 16yo till now 26yo. I thought moving 2 province away would give him some space from his smothering mom..

His family was pretty overbearing and his mom was a petty, judgemental , anxiety filled woman who was far too invested in her sons love life.

 
She completely and openly disapproved of his relationship with me (no one would be good enough for her first born) definitely MONSTER-IN-LAW vibes who actively worked behind the scene to break us up. She even went to my mom to try to get her on board with meddling with our relationship but my mom wouldn't have it.

From cruel comments, openly against mental health help, judging me for my own struggles. Her family motto is that if you fail in something you might as well find another family. You don't mean anything unless your on top, second place is not acceptable. (No wonder My ex has self confidence and identity problems) Anyways I've been thinking about how toxic his mom has been and that helps me have a little peace when I think about how painful it has been to leave him. 

The other things that has been helpful for me is realignment of my own personal goals that seemed to slip and morph into whatever would make him happy.

I completely lost sight of my dreams and desires, to work around his schedule and life as an amateur film director. I even changed my career paths briefly so I could work in the industry beside him..

but today I wokeup feeling excited for the first time in a long time and began planning the year ahead: following my dreams and doing the things I've wanted to do for myself since forever.

First off I have my final year of university
In first semester I will be doing an advanced sculpture class where I'll be able to finish my research project on new ways to use armatures within ceramic figures.

 It's very interesting stuff I assure you!

This research has been linked up with my hobbies of traditional doll making techniques from Japan.

But second semester I have 2 online classes so I am going to apply for a part time position at the ceramic studio in the art gallery here and hopefully teach classes on classical sculpting with clay

this'll be the first job since I got sick with crohns disease so I'm really excited to
A) make money with my skills
B) teach people and fill up my cv [which will look good for my application]
C) finally feel capable to support myself
Then I write my thesis and apply for the travel scholarship to go to Japan after graduation.

Then graduate in June with my Bachelors of Fine Arts

-- HERES THE BEST PART--

There's an art residency in Japan (I'll apply for a 2-4 month residence) in a ceramic and glass studio and they pay  your fees plus accommodation!
Then I'll do a traditional doll workshop in Tokyo where I hope I can ask around for apprentice work or other workshop experience (since I'll have a working holiday visa)

I'm also going to be looking for properties I can open MY OWN STUDIO cause houses there are ridiculously cheap and I've always wanted to move there permanently. Don't know if I'll buy a house yet but it's a definite dream of mine.

I'll also get to see all my friends and host families I haven't seen since 2015 when I did my exchange in highschool!!

Then I'll come home and figure out what's next.

Sorry for the ramble it's just been so long since I've felt excited.

The only thing bringing me down though is that these were all things my ex and I had planned to do together, going to Japan, me showing him around, eating good food, seeing our friends, [not the art studiostuff] and I don't know-- it makes me feel a little guilty moving on with our dream without him.

He and I would endlessly talk about Japan and how we'd go together, he even turned down an opportunity during one of our breakups/nc to go there because he still wanted to do it with me... am I betraying him? [Logically I know that's a dumb feelinb]

I guess it's silly for me to feel bad for following my dreams, there's just a part of me who wishes i could be doing it with him by my side..

How do I enjoy these things again without him? I'm trying really hard to not avoid the things I love JUST because we loved them together.

It's just difficult to parse out right now. I know it'll get easier and I'll feel less guilty as the time gets nearer and I get more excited

Thank you all for your kind words on my other posts..they have been lifesavers helping me through this icky time.
I appreciate you all

-missy

[Missygirl]

Hi all heres a bit of an update
Today I woke up feeling hopeful.

I had a really good conversation with my mom about my fears for the future and whether J will come back and try to recycle our relationship again.

She reminded me that even if he comes back around, by the time he does, I'll be in a much better position to speak my truth and defend my decisions. I'm not in a good space right now to be making any decisions about letting him in as the habits of forgiveness is still in the forefront of my heart. 
I thought about his family (who is visiting right now -not surprising the breakup occurred before his mom arrived -- it's happened before)

I looked objectively at the family issues that have played a background role to the turbulence of my relationship since we were 16yo till now 26yo. I thought moving 2 province away would give him some space from his smothering mom..

His family was pretty overbearing and his mom was a petty, judgemental , anxiety filled woman who was far too invested in her sons love life.

 
She completely and openly disapproved of his relationship with me (no one would be good enough for her first born) definitely MONSTER-IN-LAW vibes who actively worked behind the scene to break us up. She even went to my mom to try to get her on board with meddling with our relationship but my mom wouldn't have it.

From cruel comments, openly against mental health help, judging me for my own struggles. Her family motto is that if you fail in something you might as well find another family. You don't mean anything unless your on top, second place is not acceptable. (No wonder My ex has self confidence and identity problems) Anyways I've been thinking about how toxic his mom has been and that helps me have a little peace when I think about how painful it has been to leave him. 

The other things that has been helpful for me is realignment of my own personal goals that seemed to slip and morph into whatever would make him happy.

I completely lost sight of my dreams and desires, to work around his schedule and life as an amateur film director. I even changed my career paths briefly so I could work in the industry beside him..

but today I wokeup feeling excited for the first time in a long time and began planning the year ahead: following my dreams and doing the things I've wanted to do for myself since forever.

First off I have my final year of university
In first semester I will be doing an advanced sculpture class where I'll be able to finish my research project on new ways to use armatures within ceramic figures.

 It's very interesting stuff I assure you!

This research has been linked up with my hobbies of traditional doll making techniques from Japan.

But second semester I have 2 online classes so I am going to apply for a part time position at the ceramic studio in the art gallery here and hopefully teach classes on classical sculpting with clay

this'll be the first job since I got sick with crohns disease so I'm really excited to
A) make money with my skills
B) teach people and fill up my cv [which will look good for my application]
C) finally feel capable to support myself
Then I write my thesis and apply for the travel scholarship to go to Japan after graduation.

Then graduate in June with my Bachelors of Fine Arts

-- HERES THE BEST PART--

There's an art residency in Japan (I'll apply for a 2-4 month residence) in a ceramic and glass studio and they pay  your fees plus accommodation!
Then I'll do a traditional doll workshop in Tokyo where I hope I can ask around for apprentice work or other workshop experience (since I'll have a working holiday visa)

I'm also going to be looking for properties I can open MY OWN STUDIO cause houses there are ridiculously cheap and I've always wanted to move there permanently. Don't know if I'll buy a house yet but it's a definite dream of mine.

I'll also get to see all my friends and host families I haven't seen since 2015 when I did my exchange in highschool!!

Then I'll come home and figure out what's next.

Sorry for the ramble it's just been so long since I've felt excited.

The only thing bringing me down though is that these were all things my ex and I had planned to do together, going to Japan, me showing him around, eating good food, seeing our friends, [not the art studiostuff] and I don't know-- it makes me feel a little guilty moving on with our dream without him.

He and I would endlessly talk about Japan and how we'd go together, he even turned down an opportunity during one of our breakups/nc to go there because he still wanted to do it with me... am I betraying him? [Logically I know that's a dumb feelinb]

I guess it's silly for me to feel bad for following my dreams, there's just a part of me who wishes i could be doing it with him by my side..

How do I enjoy these things again without him? I'm trying really hard to not avoid the things I love JUST because we loved them together.

It's just difficult to parse out right now. I know it'll get easier and I'll feel less guilty as the time gets nearer and I get more excited

Thank you all for your kind words on my other posts..they have been lifesavers helping me through this icky time.
I appreciate you all

-missy

[HappyChappy]

I had a really good conversation with my mom about my fears...

She reminded me that even if he comes back around, by the time he does, I'll be in a much better position to speak my truth and defend my decisions.

Thank you all for your kind words on my other posts..they have been lifesavers helping me through this icky time.
I appreciate you all

-missy

  I can relate. The wise, helpful folk on this forum have helped me more than I ever realised.   

[HealthTeacher]

This is wonderful news!

I am a university professor, so this type of stuff excites me as well. You need to be feeling elated and hopeful. Just try not to create a fantasy with expectations that are too "fairytale." I find that as we might be craving our ex, it's too easy to distract ourselves with a new fantasy. Your plan isn't a fantasy, it is a very possible reality that is within your control. This is a good distraction, as long as you can also see this situation for what it is objectively. What you have planned sounds like a lot of fun, but it will also come with its challenges, which can cause weak moments and anxiety when we don't get the exact fairytale we were envisioning. At first, the fairytale was future-faking... but now you are picking yourself up by your bootstraps and turning it into a reality... because you are reclaiming what is rightfully yours. Bravo!

I understand why this is a bit of a dangerous time for re-engagement... should he reach out. Keep your eye on the prize! Manifest the future you want with strategic action... and compassion for the situations where you have weak moments.

YOU enjoy these things without him because they were about YOU in the first place, not the two of you. You put your life on hold so he can do his thing... you tagged along... there was a plan for your "turn" and we don't know if that was EVER going to happen with him... but you are reclaiming it. Reclaim your power.

[jaded7]

So happy to see you feeling positive and upbeat Missygirl!

You have a great mind, and heart. Very good to write out your dreams and plans for the next year. They sound really exciting and inspiring.

I really like the way you write and process things, and I know others do too.

[tina7868]

What lovely plans you have Missygirl  !

I had a really good conversation with my mom about my fears for the future and whether J will come back and try to recycle our relationship again.

How wonderful that you are supported by caring people in your life like your mom and your grandmother. Keep listening to their wisdom.

I guess it's silly for me to feel bad for following my dreams, there's just a part of me who wishes i could be doing it with him by my side..

It isn`t silly at all to have mixed feelings. When letting go and moving forward from a relationship, it`s normal to mourn the future you imagined together that didn`t come to be. Part of the process is finding a balance between validating that sadness (it`s okay! it`s normal! it shows how much you cared, and that`s a beautiful thing!), and reorienting your thoughts towards the doors that have opened to you, and the freedom you have gained from shaking off a relationship that was in many ways bringing you down.

How do I enjoy these things again without him? I'm trying really hard to not avoid the things I love JUST because we loved them together.

It's just difficult to parse out right now. I know it'll get easier and I'll feel less guilty as the time gets nearer and I get more excited

I don`t have the perfect answer for you. I like the saying `people are in your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime`. Your ex may not be one of those lifetime relationships, and that`s okay. Maybe your season together is over, and it`s time for you to embrace your dreams while being surrounded by people who bring you up and love you.


 

[SinisterComplex]

Hi all heres a bit of an update
Today I woke up feeling hopeful.

I had a really good conversation with my mom about my fears for the future and whether J will come back and try to recycle our relationship again.

She reminded me that even if he comes back around, by the time he does, I'll be in a much better position to speak my truth and defend my decisions. I'm not in a good space right now to be making any decisions about letting him in as the habits of forgiveness is still in the forefront of my heart.  
I thought about his family (who is visiting right now -not surprising the breakup occurred before his mom arrived -- it's happened before)

I looked objectively at the family issues that have played a background role to the turbulence of my relationship since we were 16yo till now 26yo. I thought moving 2 province away would give him some space from his smothering mom..

His family was pretty overbearing and his mom was a petty, judgemental , anxiety filled woman who was far too invested in her sons love life.

 
She completely and openly disapproved of his relationship with me (no one would be good enough for her first born) definitely MONSTER-IN-LAW vibes who actively worked behind the scene to break us up. She even went to my mom to try to get her on board with meddling with our relationship but my mom wouldn't have it.

From cruel comments, openly against mental health help, judging me for my own struggles. Her family motto is that if you fail in something you might as well find another family. You don't mean anything unless your on top, second place is not acceptable. (No wonder My ex has self confidence and identity problems) Anyways I've been thinking about how toxic his mom has been and that helps me have a little peace when I think about how painful it has been to leave him.  

The other things that has been helpful for me is realignment of my own personal goals that seemed to slip and morph into whatever would make him happy.

I completely lost sight of my dreams and desires, to work around his schedule and life as an amateur film director. I even changed my career paths briefly so I could work in the industry beside him..

but today I wokeup feeling excited for the first time in a long time and began planning the year ahead: following my dreams and doing the things I've wanted to do for myself since forever.

First off I have my final year of university
In first semester I will be doing an advanced sculpture class where I'll be able to finish my research project on new ways to use armatures within ceramic figures.

 It's very interesting stuff I assure you!

This research has been linked up with my hobbies of traditional doll making techniques from Japan.

But second semester I have 2 online classes so I am going to apply for a part time position at the ceramic studio in the art gallery here and hopefully teach classes on classical sculpting with clay

this'll be the first job since I got sick with crohns disease so I'm really excited to
A) make money with my skills
B) teach people and fill up my cv [which will look good for my application]
C) finally feel capable to support myself
Then I write my thesis and apply for the travel scholarship to go to Japan after graduation.

Then graduate in June with my Bachelors of Fine Arts

-- HERES THE BEST PART--

There's an art residency in Japan (I'll apply for a 2-4 month residence) in a ceramic and glass studio and they pay  your fees plus accommodation!
Then I'll do a traditional doll workshop in Tokyo where I hope I can ask around for apprentice work or other workshop experience (since I'll have a working holiday visa)

I'm also going to be looking for properties I can open MY OWN STUDIO cause houses there are ridiculously cheap and I've always wanted to move there permanently. Don't know if I'll buy a house yet but it's a definite dream of mine.

I'll also get to see all my friends and host families I haven't seen since 2015 when I did my exchange in highschool!!

Then I'll come home and figure out what's next.

Sorry for the ramble it's just been so long since I've felt excited.

The only thing bringing me down though is that these were all things my ex and I had planned to do together, going to Japan, me showing him around, eating good food, seeing our friends, [not the art studiostuff] and I don't know-- it makes me feel a little guilty moving on with our dream without him.

He and I would endlessly talk about Japan and how we'd go together, he even turned down an opportunity during one of our breakups/nc to go there because he still wanted to do it with me... am I betraying him? [Logically I know that's a dumb feelinb]

I guess it's silly for me to feel bad for following my dreams, there's just a part of me who wishes i could be doing it with him by my side..

How do I enjoy these things again without him? I'm trying really hard to not avoid the things I love JUST because we loved them together.

It's just difficult to parse out right now. I know it'll get easier and I'll feel less guilty as the time gets nearer and I get more excited

Thank you all for your kind words on my other posts..they have been lifesavers helping me through this icky time.
I appreciate you all

-missy

First and most importantly...never apologize for sharing good news and excitement or sharing too much. That is what you should do. It is important to share the good as much as it is the bad on here. Balance is always key.

Also, your guilt? Truly...why? If it is something YOU love then you love it because it is something for YOU. If it was something he got you into I could understand, but no this is something YOU love. You do not love it because of him...remove him from the equation altogether.

Ok I am going to send my response...although HT essentially said the same thing. LOL   .

Always remember you should approach things with the mentality you are doing it because YOU want to not because you have to for someone else or because of someone else. Life is too short to worry about appeasing others...always focus on making yourself happy first and then everything else will follow in line.  

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[Missygirl]

Thank you all for the encouraging words.
Yes I agree that it is something I truly love and shouldnt let anyone or anything stop me from following my dreams, I've been enamored with Japan since I was a child and did an exchange in highschool to Tokyo, Kyoto, takaoka, and Hitachi. And with the conclusion of my degree I hope to have to opportunity to really spread my wings.

I've been slowly testing the waters of independence this past year by doing solo trips, one to Vancouver last summer for a sculpting workshop, and one for my birthday last February to NYC for... ya'know... NEW YORK!! And it's given me alot of confidence and identity. It was really eyeopening to see all the people take interest in me & flirting with me, I've never really had a typical dating experience since J and I met in English class grade 10.. and so dating just seems like an alien concept..
 
I guess I'm a bit nervous for the future since I'm so behind my peers (only being with one person for 10 years doesn't give you much flirting/dating skills)

[Missygirl]

I know there's plenty of fish in the sea but man it seems so overwhelming. I know I'm no where near being okay enough to be in a relationship (going to need to be back in therapy a while yet) I just dont want my heart broken again, his words have twisted my idea of love and that's worrisome. I think I will go slow and love me first before I can move on.
Can't pour from an empty cup..

I'm hoping having a period of singleness that isn't just no contact but hoping to get together later, will bring me clarity on what healthy relationship really looks like.

Life is too short to worry about appeasing others...always focus on making yourself happy first and then everything else will follow in line.

I absolutely agree SC, when I first got sick 4 years ago the doctors couldn't find what was wrong with me, I felt like I was actually dying. I told my ex (still living with me at the time) my final wishes and funeral arrangements since I was in so much pain I could barely get out of bed, couldn't eat, lost so much weight, losing hair, basically wasting away.. when I was diagnosed with crohns 2 years of no answers later, i finally was on my injections I felt moderately pain free for the first time in forever. Him and I were NC for the second time but gosh all I wanted was to start living the life I dreamed with him. Looking back he left me during one of the most scary times of my life, because he wanted to "find himself" and I was there sick and alone. Thank God for my mom (whose a nurse) who lives and helps take care of me. But man.. I sure centered my life and happiness around this guy who said he didn't know how he felt about me anymore. Love gives you rose tinted glasses and you don't see all the red flags...

Now that I'm free from that whole mess of a relationship, I can actually enjoy having my health back instead of this constant up and down emotional Rollercoaster he put me through these past 4 years.. his behavior had caused panic attacks, depressive episodes, and crohns flares due to the stress.
Not physically or mentally good for me.

Thank you Health Teacher

I find that as we might be craving our ex, it's too easy to distract ourselves with a new fantasy. Your plan isn't a fantasy, it is a very possible reality that is within your control. This is a good distraction, as long as you can also see this situation for what it is objectively. What you have planned sounds like a lot of fun, but it will also come with its challenges, which can cause weak moments and anxiety when we don't get the exact fairytale we were envisioning. At first, the fairytale was future-faking... but now you are picking yourself up by your bootstraps and turning it into a reality... because you are reclaiming what is rightfully yours. Bravo!

I understand why this is a bit of a dangerous time for re-engagement... should he reach out. Keep your eye on the prize! Manifest the future you want with strategic action... and compassion for the situations where you have weak moments.

I absolutely agree that it's all to easy to fall into the fantasy of a new distraction. And I'm glad you brought that to my attention, I most definitely am not going to let anything distract me from doing the hard work in healing the trauma this relationship has caused

[Missygirl]

It's definitely reopened some core abandonment wounds for me and I am scheduling therapy for next week to really deal with the pain of this.

YOU enjoy these things without him because they were about YOU in the first place, not the two of you. You put your life on hold so he can do his thing... you tagged along... there was a plan for your "turn" and we don't know if that was EVER going to happen with him... but you are reclaiming it. Reclaim your power.

I really did put my life on hold.. and it's probably going to take me a bit still to unpause it again.
The plan for my "turn" hits hard, it's so true that it always seemed like what I wanted in life was down the road and his was needed now.
I'm very grateful for your encouragement


Thank you Tina,

How wonderful that you are supported by caring people in your life like your mom and your grandmother. Keep listening to their wisdom.

I really do have them to thank for my sanity   they have listened to me cry over this boy for so long and yet have always remained neutral and supportive of my decisions.
It's funny you mention " reasons seasons and lifetimes" as that is  something my grandma says to me all the time.

Funnily enough I'm flying out in the morning to go see my grandma for a week. I'm very excited and looking forward to some face to face time and hugs.
My sister and her family are also driving down to meet me which I'm excited for too. Although I'm more nervous talkimb to my sis about breaking up again-- my sister is less neutral and less empathetic. But I think she is the tough love side I need once in a while. She definitely is a splash of cold water. But I respect that.


Thank you Jaded

You have a great mind, and heart. Very good to write out your dreams and plans for the next year. They sound really exciting and inspiring.

I will continue writing my epiphanies and thoughts as I process them. I hope it can help others like reading all of everyone's stories has done for me too..

....
OK now I'm off to bed-- flight early in the morning!
Take care everyone and touch base again soon

-missy