A continuation of this thread.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=358675.0;allAfter several observations- it's been concluded that BPD mother is "intact" enough to be self determining and not going to go to a memory care unit. She knows that there was a plan to move her and it's not something she wants so she is able to be motivated enough to hold it together during nurse visits.
I'm relieved. Being her power of attorney is worthless. She wants to be in complete control. It wouldn't matter who is POA- this just puts them in a cat and mouse game with her. She at one point had named a cousin as POA but then changed it. The cousin didn't even know she did that. One thing I learned from this experience is that making decisions for her becomes a power struggle with her.
I have seen "normal" and that is when my mother in law got to an age where she had difficulty writing checks and managing her resources, her children took on that role for her. It was a mutual trust situation. She trusted them to make the best decisions. They trusted her to work with them. I don't have that trust for my mother. I felt very stressed over the possibility of having to be in the position of making decisions for her.
In the interim where we were waiting for a decision, some larger checks to one of her private "helpers" cleared. This person is exploiting my mother but it's a mutual thing- people hang around her and do things for her, and she gives them money. To protect her, I moved some of her money from checking to savings and told this person that large checks will bounce. Hello Karpman triangle. It's automatic that I step in to "rescue" her- without even thinking and you can guess the response- she and helper aligned and she's been calling me constantly to have more money in her checking. She can't do the transfer herself as she has difficulty with doing that online. So- trying to stay more mindful of this dynamic.
Now, with the decision, I can put the money back into her checking and let her do what she wants with her money. She has enough self preservation to pay her assisted living fees but whatever is left over of her monthly check- who knows. As to what the assisted living will do with this decision, I don't know. She's savvy enough to behave well enough to get them to back off for a while.
If they decide to move her somewhere, I know now I can stay out of that. If the assisted living decides she exceeds their capacity to care for her- then that's going to be between them and her.