BPD mother and staff at assisted living continued

[Depression = 72% of members]

A continuation of this thread.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=358675.0;all

After several observations- it's been concluded that BPD mother is "intact" enough to be self determining and not going to go to a memory care unit. She knows that there was a plan to move her and it's not something she wants so she is able to be motivated enough to hold it together during nurse visits.

I'm relieved. Being her power of attorney is worthless. She wants to be in complete control. It wouldn't matter who is POA- this just puts them in a cat and mouse game with her.  She at one point had named a cousin as POA but then changed it. The cousin didn't even know she did that. One thing I learned from this experience is that making decisions for her becomes a power struggle with her.

I have seen "normal" and that is when my mother in law got to an age where she had difficulty writing checks and managing her resources, her children took on that role for her. It was a mutual trust situation. She trusted them to make the best decisions. They trusted her to work with them. I don't have that trust for my mother. I felt very stressed over the possibility of having to be in the position of making decisions for her.

In the interim where we were waiting for a decision, some larger checks to one of her private "helpers" cleared. This person is exploiting my mother but it's a mutual thing- people hang around her and do things for her, and she gives them money. To protect her, I moved some of her money from checking to savings and told this person that large checks will bounce. Hello Karpman triangle. It's automatic that I step in to "rescue" her- without even thinking and you can guess the response- she and helper aligned and she's been calling me constantly to have more money in her checking. She can't do the transfer herself as she has difficulty with doing that online. So- trying to stay more mindful of this dynamic.

Now, with the decision, I can put the money back into her checking and let her do what she wants with her money. She has enough self preservation to pay her assisted living fees but whatever is left over of her monthly check- who knows. As to what the assisted living will do with this decision, I don't know. She's savvy enough to behave well enough to get them to back off for a while.

If they decide to move her somewhere, I know now I can stay out of that.  If the assisted living decides she exceeds their capacity to care for her- then that's going to be between them and her.

[Notwendy]

A continuation of this thread.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=358675.0;all

After several observations- it's been concluded that BPD mother is "intact" enough to be self determining and not going to go to a memory care unit. She knows that there was a plan to move her and it's not something she wants so she is able to be motivated enough to hold it together during nurse visits.

I'm relieved. Being her power of attorney is worthless. She wants to be in complete control. It wouldn't matter who is POA- this just puts them in a cat and mouse game with her.  She at one point had named a cousin as POA but then changed it. The cousin didn't even know she did that. One thing I learned from this experience is that making decisions for her becomes a power struggle with her.

I have seen "normal" and that is when my mother in law got to an age where she had difficulty writing checks and managing her resources, her children took on that role for her. It was a mutual trust situation. She trusted them to make the best decisions. They trusted her to work with them. I don't have that trust for my mother. I felt very stressed over the possibility of having to be in the position of making decisions for her.

In the interim where we were waiting for a decision, some larger checks to one of her private "helpers" cleared. This person is exploiting my mother but it's a mutual thing- people hang around her and do things for her, and she gives them money. To protect her, I moved some of her money from checking to savings and told this person that large checks will bounce. Hello Karpman triangle. It's automatic that I step in to "rescue" her- without even thinking and you can guess the response- she and helper aligned and she's been calling me constantly to have more money in her checking. She can't do the transfer herself as she has difficulty with doing that online. So- trying to stay more mindful of this dynamic.

Now, with the decision, I can put the money back into her checking and let her do what she wants with her money. She has enough self preservation to pay her assisted living fees but whatever is left over of her monthly check- who knows. As to what the assisted living will do with this decision, I don't know. She's savvy enough to behave well enough to get them to back off for a while.

If they decide to move her somewhere, I know now I can stay out of that.  If the assisted living decides she exceeds their capacity to care for her- then that's going to be between them and her.

[Notwendy]

To add- after daily calls for the same reason (put more money in her checking) I told her she needs to be in charge of writing checks. ( I was helping her write some but she is also writing checks which makes knowing her balance difficult)

I said this isn't working, we can't have two people writing checks as it makes it hard to know what the bank balance is and asked her how much she wanted left in savings and put the rest in to her checking. Of course her victim mentality "now you aren't helping me" "I have no choice". (yes she does, she just doesn't like the other choice which is- if I help she needs to cooperate).

So, I left what she wanted in her savings and now, she's in charge of what is in her checking.

So then I said- OK now we don't have to keep having these calls. To which she said "can we talk about other things?" I said sure.

[Tangled mangled]

The triangulation !

Perhaps it’s time to take a break again by blocking her for a bit !

It sounds like anti therapy for her but that’s just what she needs. Let her have all the control she’s lives  for.
Shame she can’t handle her cheques and has to drag you into her awful decision making/spending.

[Notwendy]

She prefers to hire people to help her. It's a mutual exploitation as she acts out her drama with them and they exploit her for money. They write the checks and she signs them- so this is a vulnerable situation for her but she continues to insist on doing it. One of them seems reliable and helps her with some of them- so they can do them. She can't manage online banking.  I've tried to keep a minimum in her checking with more in savings  to avoid her being exploited. This angers her as she wants more in checking to do what she wants with and she calls me constantly about it. So I put what she wanted in her checking and now it's up to her.

She needs people to help her but she only wants people she can control to do what she wants, not help that might be in her best interest. I understand why my father just let her do what she wants because if she wants something,  there's no other way to relate to her. "Let her have the control she lives for" really puts it well.

[Notwendy]

Update- BPD mother has been relatively medically stable on Hospice. They are planning to discharge her saying she no longer meets criteria. What got her to Hospice is that she wasn't compliant with curative medical care. She will still get some coverage from Palliative care but not all that she's had with Hospice.

I'm also guessing- did they discharge her due to her behavior? I don't know much as they also stopped updating me. I have heard she calls them frequently and sometimes doesn't allow their visiting nurse to do all she is there to do for her. She's also refused to let their aides give her showers or baths.

What seems odd to me is that when they called me to tell me this- there were two of them on the phone- as if maybe they thought they'd need a witness? What did they think I might do or say? I have always been agreeable and reasonable with them. They used to give me updates but a while back, they stopped communicating with me. I heard that BPD mother told them not to speak to me at one point but then said it was OK. I just sense that recently- I get different "vibes" from them.

I won't know all of what went into the Hospice decision but I wonder if her behavior is a part of it.

[Tangled mangled]

It’s difficult for healthcare staff when a resident/ patient changes their minds constantly especially around sharing information.

The staff are covering their backs not because of you, only God knows what your mum has shared with them. Is it possible that your mum has told lies about you eg “I’m scared of NW, or NW did this or that and I don’t trust NW”.

Any of those statements would cause staff to be on guard around dealing with you. Usually as a staff myself we would receive the information about relatives as “ Mother NW is a lovely lady who has had several issues around her care , she has a daughter who has POA but has a tense relationship with her. “
Staff first priority is to maintain confidentiality and dignity- so your mums mood dictates how staff will relate with you.

[Notwendy]

Thanks, I understand that perspective. I think I've been supportive of the staff but there's no telling what my mother has said about me to them. I think I pick up on these changes because it's happened- people distance themselves from me after she has said something to them.

Previously too- medical staff have shared information with me to cover their own liability- because, just as she can change her mind about family, she can also change her feelings about them or decide that whatever they told her, she thinks it's something else- so if I hear what they say- it also protects them.

I have decided to be less involved overall. It's a convenience for them to contact me to get me to agree to something because, well it's easier to deal with me. But that also puts me on the drama Karpman triangle. Since she remains self directed - they can deal with her. Also, I can't make any kind of decision without all information.

They know the relationship. When someone is on Hospice, a social worker calls to find out about any difficulties. I don't speak poorly of her. I have mentioned that there are financial concerns. They need to know that in the event she needes a different kind of care situation. I have mentioned the issues because it's a reality if they are going to be of support to her. I don't think they have an issue with me, but that they are probably following her wishes about what to tell me.

[Turkish]

It sounds like CYA on their parts.

[Notwendy]

I agree Turkish. Something seems "off". I left two messages for them- to ask about the date- when does Hospice end? I didn't ask for any personal info. They have my POA on file- they can talk to me. They didn't return my call and that seems odd to me.

[Notwendy]

Another factor may be the dynamics between Hospice and the assisted living staff. I think the staff has been difficult to work with. I also think this was the scheduled assessment time- and so for Hospice, it was an opportunity for them to dismiss her. She was on Hospice due to her being ill at the time and she seems to be doing better- so it gives them the option to discharge her.

Whatever it is- I won't know. I just feel a sense of them being non communcative about it and that seems odd.