Confused and frustrated

[Pizzafork22]

Very long read ahead sorry:

I met this girl online 8 months ago, and we instantly connected. We would talk on the phone for hours, text every day, and got deep very quickly. Early on, she mentioned she was bipolar and had anxiety, panic attacks, and family issues but that she goes to a psychologist. Two months later, I flew to see her. She was touching me all night, but I held back because I wanted her to take me seriously (I realize that was a mistake, especially given the distance). We just kissed at the end of the night. The next day, I told her I didn’t want things to move too fast because I wanted our connection to last (I've had experience with BPD girls who cut me off after sex). She seemed more reserved after that, which made me think she only wanted sex. But she told me she was more reserved because kissing was very personal to her, so we took things slow.

We kept talking every day for another 4 months after I returned home, almost as if I had made the right choice. We got even closer, and she started sending me selfies and telling me everything that was happening in her life. During one of our calls, she told me she was afraid of commitment, liked me, but didn’t want to define our relationship. She suggested we be friends with benefits, and I agreed, thinking it was fine. Things were good—she kept sending me memes, replying to my stories, and we even agreed to watch a movie together remotely. However, sometimes she gave me short responses, especially when I asked where she had been. I got frustrated and waited two days for her to initiate contact, but she didn’t. During those two days, I posted stories that might have looked like I was on a date, but I made sure to tell her it was just with friends. After those two days, she started talking to me normally again, as if she had been waiting for me to text first, and she filled me in on everything that happened during that time.

As we continued talking, I noticed she started replying later than usual, which didn’t bother me at first. Then she told me she was thinking about creating an Instagram account to teach Italian. I thought it was a great idea and jokingly offered to let her use my other account with 40k followers to get more exposure, saying I’d take 30% (so it wouldn’t seem like I was giving her too much). She got upset and asked if I thought she couldn’t do it without my help. I was shocked and explained that I was just trying to help and that I always tell her how intelligent she is. After that, she disappeared for a week but still watched my stories.

When she came back, she acted like nothing had happened and said she didn’t see my message. I replied normally, and we kept talking, but then she started replying inconsistently—sometimes fast, sometimes after a day or two. I didn’t say anything and focused on my own life. Then, during a phone call, I mentioned I had a second passport. She was shocked, said I had never told her that, and accused me of lying. I told her I hadn’t lied; we just hadn’t discussed it before. She almost had a panic attack and said she needed to hang up. I texted her saying I’d tell her my entire life story in our next call, and she told me to call her the next day. When I did, she said she felt like she didn’t know me and that I had hidden things from her. I reassured her that I was still the same person and that having a second passport was a good thing. I told her she should focus on all the positive things about me instead of letting one perceived negative outweigh everything else. She then accused me of saying the same things to other girls and said she needed time to think before hanging up.

A few days later, I noticed she was in the same country as me without telling me. I got really upset and felt like I wanted to be done with the whole situation. But I swallowed my ego and sent her a voice message explaining that I felt hurt seeing her in my country without telling me, especially since I had just told her I wanted to visit her. She apologized, saying she didn’t have time to see me because she was with friends in a different city, and she “forgot” to tell me she was here. I said okay and sent her another voice note, saying that part of the problem was our miscommunication and that I still wanted to visit her. She replied a few days later, telling me when she was free.

I flew to see her 5 days ago, and at first, things were good. But then she immediately brought up the fact that I was from another country and had lied to her about the passport. I showed her my U.S. passport, and she said, “no, no, it’s fine,” but she literally scanned it with her eyes, zooming in on my name, date of birth, and everything. I told her I knew she had trust issues and that I would try my best to make her trust me. I told her that trust isn't just about the past but it's also about the present. And how I know her fears and everything and I stayed for 8 months consistently. She replied by saying "oh so I'm such a bad person that it's surprising you stayed with me?"

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Pizzafork22]

Then she asked what I wanted from her. I tried to ease the tension by joking, “Relax, I don’t want to get married yet,” but then I told her I saw a future with her and wanted to grow together. She reminded me that she told me she couldn’t do relationships and said we could be friends. When I mentioned she had suggested being friends with benefits, she denied ever saying that and told me I might be wasting my time. I asked her what she wanted, and she said she didn’t know and that I was pressuring her for answers she couldn’t give. So I asked if she still liked me romantically, and she nodded her head. I told her that was enough for me and that I would go with the flow, even though I hadn’t done that before and should have. I told her I understood her behavior and mentioned how I knew she noticed every little thing and avoided talking about feelings, how she wanted to maintain her independence and didn’t tell everyone everything. I said I used to be the same way in the past, and she just stared at me. We continued talking about random stuff, and I noticed how a lot of my behavior is reflected in her. She mentioned that she remembered everything I told her in a good way, and she also shared with me that she did create that Instagram account in the end, but was too embarrassed to show me the reels. But then I started thinking to myself, “What am I doing here? Maybe I’m actually wasting my time,” and I just listened to her talk while drowning in my thoughts. Then she teased me about my name, and I jokingly said, “Haha, shut up,” and threw a clean napkin at her. She immediately freaked out, saying, “Why did you throw this at me? I was joking.” I told her I was joking too and that it was just because she teased me. She said okay, but then told me not to touch her and stormed off without even a kiss or a hug. I apologized, saying I didn’t know she’d react that way and that now I knew, I’d never do it again. I also told her that I couldn’t know how she’d react if she didn’t communicate with me, but she didn’t reply. Finally, I asked her one last thing: if I was wasting my time or if I was doing things right. She said she didn’t know and needed time to think, then left. Right after, I sent her a message apologizing again for the napkin thing, explaining that I meant it as a joke and didn’t intend to hurt her or cause her to react that way. I told her I really care about her and have no bad intentions. She hasn’t replied yet, but she still watches my stories every day.

Honestly, I don’t know what to think anymore. I’m tired of blaming myself for every little thing. I can’t predict what she’ll take playfully or what will hurt her. I also strongly believe she has a boyfriend or someone else on the side. It bothers me how much I do for her—I spent a lot on the flight and the date—and now I feel stupid for trying to fix something that wasn’t even my problem to begin with.

On one hand, I’m already moving on. On the other, I hope she eventually messages me. She’s supposed to live in my country for 6 months, but I know she has a lot of guy friends here, so I’m not sure if I’m part of her plans at all.

What do you think of this situation? I’m glad I went to see her because it helped me let go and look at the situation more objectively and I realize how anxious she’s made me feel. I can’t help but wonder if the reason I constantly trigger her is because she cares or because she’s been stringing me along this whole time. I feel like everything is a mess, and I have no idea if this is what she secretly craves or if I’m just wasting my time.

[kells76]

Hi Pizzafork22 and

It makes sense that you would be confused after the last 8 months. Definitely a lot of unexpected reactions, misunderstood communication, unpredictability, and hurt going on. I know that can't be what you wanted for your relationship.

It's interesting to me that you mention this:

The next day, I told her I didn’t want things to move too fast because I wanted our connection to last (I've had experience with BPD girls who cut me off after sex).

Tell me a little more about those relationships. Did your exes have diagnoses of BPD, or was it more of a suspicion on your part, or...?

I'm also reflecting on what you've shared here:

I told her I really care about her and have no bad intentions. She hasn’t replied yet, but she still watches my stories every day.

Honestly, I don’t know what to think anymore. ... I also strongly believe she has a boyfriend or someone else on the side. It bothers me how much I do for her—I spent a lot on the flight and the date...

On one hand, I’m already moving on. On the other, I hope she eventually messages me. She’s supposed to live in my country for 6 months, but I know she has a lot of guy friends here, so I’m not sure if I’m part of her plans at all.

What do you think of this situation? I’m glad I went to see her because it helped me let go and look at the situation more objectively and I realize how anxious she’s made me feel. I can’t help but wonder if the reason I constantly trigger her is because she cares or because she’s been stringing me along this whole time. I feel like everything is a mess, and I have no idea if this is what she secretly craves or if I’m just wasting my time.

Putting those pieces together, I'm curious if you would say there is a disconnect between what you feel, what you say, and what you do, regarding the relationship?

...

BPD relationships are not intuitive, and to choose to stay in one or try to repair one will take a lot of new skills and tools. Whatever you choose (stay/repair/move on), and whatever happens, working on yourself -- digging deep into what you want and why you choose what you do -- will be a net benefit to you in any relationship  

Have you ever considered talking to a counselor or therapist about your BPD relationships?