I agree Skip
incapable is a good word.
So is cruel, hurtful, dishonest, toxic
I'm not trying to peg him as an abusive partner. Or try to label him as a bad man.
I'm trying to digest the opinion from others that he was abusive.
I think a better way for me to explain or define his behavior is at the very least
unacceptable, toxic and unsafe, and at the last part of became verbally abusive.
I don't think i can say the relationship was: at its core:
abusiveBut his behavior at times became abusive.
He abused my trust, my naive nature, my love for him. And used me to make himself feel better. (He admitted " I don't know if I have you around because I like you or like how you make me feel about me")
Abusive is such a broad and overused term, I'm not sure it is helps to think of your relationship in this way. Especially given your past with your father. Most everyone who experience a relationship failure could say it was abusive. I've seen people describing a forgotten birthday as abuse. I've seen people define sexual molestation of a child as abuse.
Quote from: Missygirl on August 14, 2024, 01:48:26 AM
he would make me out to be this scary monster who he's scared of being committed to and it's my fault he lied to my face about being in love with me. Because he just wanted to make me feel better and didn't really mean it. He said how he's so angry and resentful towards me but never told me why? or for what?
So he is saying you were abusive. And your reaction to this is that he was abusive. You see my point? I'm not agreeing with him - just saying that tagging him as abusive (or you as abusive) might not help you heal or provide you with any insight.
To be clear he's never said I was abusive, and perhaps his use of feeling these things about me- was a projection of his own thoughts of his behavior.
im not saying im blameless but i only did what he asked of me to make him feel *less triggered* and rarely stuck up for myself
[he started an argument over me bringing him cookies to make him feel better accusing me of all sorts of nasty scheming things]
Please note this is NOT just a reaction to his breaking up with me
I am only trying to figure where my line of acceptable behaviour was crossed and how aggregiously it was done.
He has said that me putting effort into healthy communication, and doing personal work is intimidating- and scary for him because he feels like he can't match my investment in a future.
His chronic attachment issued make alot of sense, i think this prompted alot of frantic and hurtful behavior from him (which I would label as toxic and manipulative)
I am just trying to really understand what was going on. The hardest part is- why did I excuse and put up with this behavior.
Does it have anything to do with the fear that the relationship failure was about us "having not been good enough".
Yes I totally resonate wirh this, and felt this way at the beginning. But now I see that his thinking and behavior doesn't follow much logic or honesty
Jaded- I totally feel this
I've lately started wondering why this is important to me, because it is. I think it has to do with needing to clear my head of the things she called me and accused me of. Or maybe it's because I miss her and don't want to miss her?
The need to clear my head of the confusion from this, to see this clearly. To be able to accept that his behavior was abusive and not acceptable maybe I can steer clear of it in the future?
Yes, a lot of people feel that way. Nobody wants to admit that these things are happening and we engage in self-deception about it.
--
But yeah... technically... if anyone does something that restricts you with guilt, fear, gaslighting, or any other mechanism of control... it is abusive.
I think that resonates alot with me Health Teacher.
The self deception is a big hurdle I'm trying to break down to see this for what it was.
He did alot of hurtful things including what you mentioned above.
I agree with Skip too that he comes from severe attachment issues and is incapable
I also agree that his behavior was indeed abusive to me at times (whether be verbally, or emotionally).
I'm not trying to label him as an abusive guy he's got alot of things going for him (but alot of that I've held onto- ignoring the corrosive behavior)
I think the fact that he made me feel like I had to lessen myself to suit him was a form of abuse- manipulation and control. Whether he consciously meant to do it or it was a part of his attachment problems I think is irrelevant. I'm not saying he's a bad guy- I still love parts of him and cherish the good times (although I wonder how much I invented and held on to breadcumbs)
I cherished him and put his needs before mine, I think that made me ignore his behavior and created a delusion/self deception I need to dismantle.