How am I now the bad guy?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I have been in an on/off again relationship with an undiagnosed BPD man for 2 years. It took me a while to understand what was happening. Research eventually led me to BPD and everything clicked. I ended things over and over, but would eventually always take him back. There were long periods where his behavior would significantly improve and I would convince myself I was wrong, maybe he didn't have BPD. Much like everyone who has posted before me, I knew it wasn't healthy. I have had to get really honest with myself and admit I was addicted to how he made me feel (when things were good). I have never felt so loved and understood. I know I don't want to live the rest of my life on this roller coaster and yet walking away is so hard and painful. He recently has had episodes very close together and I once again, walked away. I told him I can't talk to him about things until I see my therapist. I know my weakness when it comes to him.

Here is where I'm struggling...his response to me wanting to wait until I meet with my therapist has gutted me. He said that our issues are very minor and it's just my sensitivity to his tone and intensity that has led us here. He is tired of me discarding him over and over and it's not good for his mental health. If I'm not sure about him, then I need to let him go. And I haven't heard another word from him. This is new behavior from him. He has never "discarded" me before. I have so many mixed emotions. On one hand, it should make it easier for me to just be done. I "know" what really happened over the last 2 years and it isn't just my sensitivity. And yet it somehow feels so much worse now. I hate that he truly believes I am bad for his mental health, that our issues are just run of the mill and that I am the one in the wrong because I just kept discarding him. My ego is having a really hard time knowing he truly believes his version of reality. How do you accept that you can't change it and be done? I am fighting the urge to contact him and am worried I will cave. I know it will only lead to either A. another cycle or B. me feeling crushed if I learn that he is completely done with me. My rational mind knows what to do, but my emotional mind is a confused mess. Help!   

[Gemini66]

I have been in an on/off again relationship with an undiagnosed BPD man for 2 years. It took me a while to understand what was happening. Research eventually led me to BPD and everything clicked. I ended things over and over, but would eventually always take him back. There were long periods where his behavior would significantly improve and I would convince myself I was wrong, maybe he didn't have BPD. Much like everyone who has posted before me, I knew it wasn't healthy. I have had to get really honest with myself and admit I was addicted to how he made me feel (when things were good). I have never felt so loved and understood. I know I don't want to live the rest of my life on this roller coaster and yet walking away is so hard and painful. He recently has had episodes very close together and I once again, walked away. I told him I can't talk to him about things until I see my therapist. I know my weakness when it comes to him.

Here is where I'm struggling...his response to me wanting to wait until I meet with my therapist has gutted me. He said that our issues are very minor and it's just my sensitivity to his tone and intensity that has led us here. He is tired of me discarding him over and over and it's not good for his mental health. If I'm not sure about him, then I need to let him go. And I haven't heard another word from him. This is new behavior from him. He has never "discarded" me before. I have so many mixed emotions. On one hand, it should make it easier for me to just be done. I "know" what really happened over the last 2 years and it isn't just my sensitivity. And yet it somehow feels so much worse now. I hate that he truly believes I am bad for his mental health, that our issues are just run of the mill and that I am the one in the wrong because I just kept discarding him. My ego is having a really hard time knowing he truly believes his version of reality. How do you accept that you can't change it and be done? I am fighting the urge to contact him and am worried I will cave. I know it will only lead to either A. another cycle or B. me feeling crushed if I learn that he is completely done with me. My rational mind knows what to do, but my emotional mind is a confused mess. Help!   

[usagi]

Hi Gemini66,

I'm so sorry to hear you are struggling with this cycle of breaking up and coming back for more.

I was in a very similar situation with my ex.  It seemed like every 3 to 4 months she'd want to end things or sometime I would.  Then she would come back to me and tell me what she'd to differently or what little things I could do differently so we could be together.  Rinse and repeat.

I found that often when we were in the cycle she'd list all the reasons why we can't be together or whatever her fears were in the moment.  It was a lot of push and pull at these times.  Even now after we've broken up she's still tried to pull me back.  Right now I haven't heard from her in a while but I wouldn't be surprised if that changes.

I eventually had to just see that these same patterns were repeating.  We were in an endless loop and we'd get into it more and more frequently.  The only real response I had from her was that it was fully in my power to stop the cycle.  That was BS.  I decided I needed to be in a relationship where both me and my partner were working toward a more solid relationship.  That was never going to happen with her.

It sounds like you are scared that he may actually be done with you.  I feel like that is the trap.  I would get scared that my ex would be done with me and that would lead me to capitulate on all sorts of things just so we could be together again.  Get back to those amazing warm and loving experiences.

Something my therapist had to work hard to convince me was that I can have a relationship where there are those warm loving times without all the dysregulation.  That's probably true for you too even though it may not feel like it.

[Gemini66]

Thank you for your insight! The idea of finding love again, without all the back and forth is a beautiful idea. I know it's possible, although right now it's hard to imagine finding someone again.

[jaded7]

Sorry this is so painful for you Gemini66. It sounds to me like you are doing really good boundaries and
keeping to them. I love the idea of not talking with him until you've met with your therapist.

"He said that our issues are very minor and it's just my sensitivity to his tone and intensity that has led us here. He is tired of me discarding him over and over and it's not good for his mental health."

As someone who's been in this kind of relationship, these things just really stick out to me now and I am getting pretty good at
interpreting them.

Our issues are minor= you are overreacting, your feelings are WRONG and, like clockwork they alway say it, you're too sensitive. You can't trust yourself.
That has led us here = this is all your fault
He is tired of you discarding him = you can't have boundaries around his behavior when he is abusive, you protecting yourself from his abuse
is discarding him ( a term that is coopted from therapy speak and weaponized against you)
Not good for his mental health = YOU did this to ME, I did nothing

except maybe a little strong on tone and intensity, well at least he acknowledges a little bit of his role here. But minimizing, I'm almost certain. Minimizing what they've done is almost textbook.

Oh the examples of my ex telling my feelings are wrong; I take everything to the worst possible outcome, I need mental health help, I'm too sensitive,
my memory is bad, plus all the gaslighting of I never said that, you cancelled plans all summer...on and on.

This morning I was walking around thinking that my 'addiction' to my ex is really about the feeling of being loved. I loved being loved. So much that
I allowed my ex to call me horrible names and yell at me ghost me, etc. I wanted to feel loved, a part of me has never really felt it and I needed it. Now
after our partners leave us, or we leave them, we are left with a hole of love missing. At least what we thought was love. That's a whole other thing.

Usagi's therapist was right, there is real love that is accepting, patient, supportive. It's important that we realize that is possible.

[Gemini66]

I know one of the reasons I stayed far beyond what I should have, was because it felt really good to be loved by him. I also cared deeply for him or at least the him he was when he wasn't having an episode. There's definitely more work for me to do on myself.

Thank you so much for your thoughts. It is nice to share with those that have walked in my shoes. It validates that my experience with him is real and it's not my sensitivity, etc. that created it.   

[SinisterComplex]

Usagi's therapist was right, there is real love that is accepting, patient, supportive. It's important that we realize that is possible.

Yes there is real love that is accepting, patient, supportive...it all starts with you personally and individually though. That is the important take away. You cannot expect someone else to fill the hole and void for you. Your love interest is intended to enhance your life...not complete it. They are intended to walk along side you, not behind you and vice versa.

Also, love comes in many different forms. Some people are actually better off single. I qualify as one of those people. Doesn't mean I wouldn't try a relationship again, but I am also never lonely and not desperately seeking to be attached to someone else so if it happens...phenomenal, but if it doesn't...phenomenal. It is a win-win. I am happy and complete all on my own. I love having friends and freedom to do as I please. I do not like to be caged up and tied down. Why do I mention this? Sometimes people spend too much time trying to fit a square peg into a round hole and not understanding that you are just wasting precious time you can never get back. Now if that sounds harsh please consider this perspective...there is never failing in a relationship, but only learning.

I learned the most important thing was to truly love myself and stop looking for someone else to love me. Also, I learned I was happier doing my own thing as opposed to trying to make someone else happy. Most importantly...never try to force things. If it is too difficult, stressful, and doesn't flow easily...that is your sign.

Relationships can fail yes, but you do not fail. You just have to learn and grow from what doesn't work so better opportunities can come your way. Always do what is best for you because it is your life to live and you only have one and there are no do-overs and no video game continues either. Just 1, there is no one size fits all so always live life to the fullest for yourself.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

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