rewriting history

[Caleb91]

This idea came up in another thread and I'd love to learn more about it. When our BPD exes rewrite history post discard: twisting the facts, inventing malicious motivations, spinning everything big and small to make themselves out to be the victim and us the villain, do they believe this version of history forever? I believe that they believe these distortions, as a defense mechanism, as a way to cope with their shame, but do they believe these stories forever? Do the distortions truly replace the memories of things that happened, moments had, things said? Or does the fog ever clear and they eventually see things as they actually happened?

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[Turkish]

I wouldn't discount Dissociation

Years after we were split, I recounted to my ex the time I accidentally let our baby fall asleep on my shoulder before his bath while she was making dinner. I dreaded walking into the kitchen to tell her. I did then walked out. She slammed the fridge door hard enough that door contents broke upon the tile floor and made a huge mess. I put our baby to sleep and cleaned up the mess while she ate angrily at the table.

Note: this was years after we split and were getting along as coparents. Challenging likely dissociation in the relationship isn't going to be fruitful, but rather trigger defense.

That was the only time I was afraid to go to sleep next to her.

When I recounted the story years later,  she seemed pained that she didn't remember it, but she also didn't deny it.

[Caleb91]

Hi Turkish, thanks for your reply. I'm sorry to hear about this episode with your former partner.

I took a look at the thread on Dissociation. How do you feel like dissociation factors into a pwBPD's tendency to rewrite history, twist everything and villainize us? Are you saying that if/when reconciliation occurs it's because they completely dissociate / forget the past entirely, not because they rethink the past and come to a more fair assessment of what happened? 

[Under The Bridge]

Based on my own experiences, I think they actually remember far more of what they've done and said than we think. The problem is their shame afterwards, which makes them reluctant to ever admit they were wrong. Far easier on their emotions to just stick to 'their' story and make nothing their fault.

I'd still like to know if my exBPD ever felt any regret over her really nasty actions on that final day which finally made me stop coming back to her and end it. During our 4 years together she never admitted anything she'd done nor shown any sort of remorse or apology.

It's probably the most self-destructive aspect of being BDP I think.

[Caleb91]

Hi Under The Bridge,

Thanks for sharing your story. It sounds like you've moved on with your life in a great way.

When you say that her behavior made you "stop coming back" it implies that before you had had cycles of breakups and reconciliations. During those breakups, did she you paint you as a villain or monster? And when you got back together, how did she move past that alternate history and justify to herself and others that you were no longer a villain?

[jaded7]

Hi Under The Bridge,

Thanks for sharing your story. It sounds like you've moved on with your life in a great way.

When you say that her behavior made you "stop coming back" it implies that before you had had cycles of breakups and reconciliations. During those breakups, did she you paint you as a villain or monster? And when you got back together, how did she move past that alternate history and justify to herself and others that you were no longer a villain?

As others have said, it could be shame or it could be dissociation. Or it could be both. I'm not even sure that professionals have figured this out, please feel free to let me know
if I'm wrong on that.

If it's shame, and that's what I think it is.....absolute 100%, impassioned, denial of what was said or what occurred, or their rewriting of what happened/was said.......then it's defense mechanisms that
are at work. These are by definition unconscious, not intentional at least when they are happening. Like a reflex, not involving higher thinking and processing in the brain.

You cannot argue with a defense mechanism unless the person has done a ton of work and is able to acknowledge them. It will seem like the do actually 'believe' what they are saying.

If it's dissociation, they will not remember it. They might remember not remembering something during a period of time, i.e. that they must have been dissociated. But that takes self-awareness as well.

In either case, it's like their alternate history is actual fact.

[Caleb91]

Thanks for your insight Jaded7. I think you’re right that they really do believe these alternate histories and fabrications. As far as you know do they believe these alternate histories forever, or after the defense mechanism serves its purpose do they eventually start remembering things as they actually were? We hear so many stories about recycles and I wonder how that can be if their memory, which they truly believe, is that the ex is a monster.

[jaded7]

I don't really know. I suppose that if the shame is real, the defense mechanism will persist? Therefore the story persists?

My guess is that therapy helps pwBPD come to understand the projections and blaming that are part of the defense mechanisms, come
to see that they are 'telling stories' about us and the relationship. Interestingly, before I knew ANY of this, in the first months of my relationship, I told my
ex when we were into another one of our 1. her complaining about me or something I did, criticizing me 2. Me defending myself 3. her getting more angry and confusing with her words...

I took a deep breath and said "honey, you seem to have stories about me that aren't true, and then you get mad at those stories".  This didn't work, of course, but it was my
first time trying to get her to understand. I also said "you seem to look for things to be mad about". That too didn't work.

These stories are VERY important to them, and that's a part of what therapy is about for them I believe.

[kells76]

We all do this to some degree -- because all human beings do. Sometimes we are aware of it before we do it, sometimes we are aware of it in the middle of doing it, and sometimes we rewrite history and aren't even aware of it.

A couple of weeks ago, I was chatting with some peers about one of my acquaintance's daughters, who my peers knew in a different context. I found myself saying "and I remember holding her as a baby!" but that wasn't quite it and I knew it as the words left my mouth. I do remember standing next to a friend holding her, but was I the one holding her? It's possible that I did but don't remember it... but that's the thing, I don't remember doing it. It was so easy to inch over that line while telling a cute story: "Oh yeah, I held her when she was little" but was it really me, or did I just want an uncomplicated version to quickly tell my peers?

As with most BPD traits and behaviors, the difference isn't the content: "pwBPD do these things that normal people don't do", it's usually the intensity and extremity (and possibly awareness, or inhibitions to awareness).

pwBPD rewrite history not just because they have BPD but because they're human beings.

The difference is in how frequently, how intensely, how extremely, and how impactfully.

When we're here on the Bettering/Reversing board, a key question will be not "how can I make my pwBPD stop doing these things" or "will my pwBPD always do those things". It's: "can I accept that this extreme behavior is a feature, not a bug, of the person I say I love"?

My thought is that people want to stay in relationships with, and reconnect/repair relationships with, pwBPD for many reasons. A key part of whether that will have success is in accepting with eyes wide open that your loved one may have a serious and impairing mental condition that shows up relationally, emotionally, and in ways like more frequent/extreme/impactful "rewrites", for example. Could you accept them for who they are in that moment? And, more importantly, what's under your control, that you can manage in your own life and thoughts and approach, that would make a reconnection different?

Not all "rewrites" have the same impact. My H's kids' mom said a couple of times that he was abusive to the kids. That's not easy to come back from -- there are real world outcomes riding on what she said.

Other "rewrites" you may need to learn to cope with as features of loving someone with BPD. "All my ex boyfriends were horrible people". Can you live with having a partner who says that? Can you detach from having an investment in her perceptions?

This is hard stuff but that's what Bettering is for 

[Under The Bridge]

When you say that her behavior made you "stop coming back" it implies that before you had had cycles of breakups and reconciliations. During those breakups, did she you paint you as a villain or monster?

Most of the times the breakups were because of things which had nothing to do with me, such as her having a bad day at her job, arguing with her mother or even something hugely trivial like losing a game of pool. She'd just take it out on me as though I'd caused every wrong thing.  It wears you down massively, knowing that you're blamed for the actions of others or circumstances you had nothing to do with.

And when you got back together, how did she move past that alternate history and justify to herself and others that you were no longer a villain?

Simple - she acted like none of it ever happened. Just blanked it. Even though I was the totally innocent one, I always chased after her to get her back. Eventually she did it once too often and I stopped chasing. I saw that the pattern would repeat without end.

[Caleb91]

Thanks Kells76, great points about how to make it work with a pwBPD who we love, that we have to be the ones to be flexible and accept certain things. As somebody who was broken up with for what might be the final time, I'm especially curious not about the distortions that happen and need to be managed during a relationship, but the tales that get spun after. For those of us hoping to reconcile one day, I'm trying to figure out if the villain stories remain their objective reality forever. Because if that's the case I don't see how reconciliation if ever possible. How could anybody reconcile with Hitler.

Thanks for your story, Under The Bridge. I'm curious, when you decided to stop chasing, did she change the pattern by chasing you or pursuing a reconciliation?

[CC43]

I think it’s human to tell stories about ourselves to help us cope. It’s just that with BPD, I think the stories center around being a victim, and how others are to blame for all sorts of problems. The issue with this narrative is that it’s very negative, and the person with BPD sees herself as lacking agency and responsibility. That attitude pervades all aspects of life. It’s why she seems so helpless and childish. Maybe when she’s young adult, she’ll convince others to over-function for her, thereby reinforcing the narrative. She’ll be resolute in her narrative, because it works for her. But over time, I think it’s destructive. And it must be very, very hard to change. Does she believe her stories?  I think she believes in the SPIRIT of the stories (because she sees herself as a helpless victim). Admitting the truth, that she’s mostly to blame, conflicts with her identity and is too painful. When she does this, I think she becomes extremely depressed and suicidal.

[Under The Bridge]

Thanks for your story, Under The Bridge. I'm curious, when you decided to stop chasing, did she change the pattern by chasing you or pursuing a reconciliation?

I never heard from her again, whether she was too ashamed to get in touch or whether she just split totally. She said things she'd never said before like 'don't ever look for me again' and this time I took her at her word.

Many years later I learned that she had once come back into the pub we frequented with her mother, obviously looking for me as she'd done this before. She would never have approached me though, she always left it for me to come to her as though I was the one who had broken us up.

She had every means to get in touch and make amends but she still wanted me to chase her which, after the severity of the breakup, I was no longer willing to do. This time she needed to admit what she'd done and show some remorse but of course there's no chance of that ever happening with a BPD.

Interestingly, at the time I had no knowledge of BPD and just thought she had a nasty streak. If I'd known about BDP I might have persevered longer.

[Caleb91]

I see, sounds like she did come back to you in a way but was too afraid to really stick her neck out. I've heard of bpd exes coming back with a "I still have your __" or some random excuse to open communication. Maybe that's not specific to bpd, just anybody afraid of being rejected. But heightened in bpd from a sense of shame.

Interesting that you say if you'd known about BPD you "might have persevered longer." I feel like most people say the opposite, that they would have run for the hills earlier if they knew about BPD. But I kind of agree with you, I think the knowledge I've acquired from this message board and elsewhere, all since the breakup unfortunately, could have helped me navigate the complexities of the relationship better. 

[Under The Bridge]

Interesting that you say if you'd known about BPD you "might have persevered longer." I feel like most people say the opposite, that they would have run for the hills earlier if they knew about BPD.

What I mean is that I wouldn't have taken her insults and actions as badly as I did if I'd known she had a mental condition. I still think things would have eventually ended though as you simply can't live your life like that. Even if you fully appreciate the other person isn't doing it deliberately, it still hurts.

Many years later I was seeing someone who was great for the first 6 months - maybe too great and actually a 'love bombing' stage - then she just started the same BPD actions my previous partner did. This time I knew the red flags and thought 'here we go again' so the next time she broke up I left it that way. I knew there would be no change and wasn't willing to spend years like I did the first time.

[Caleb91]

Today is the two year anniversary since my ex and I broke up and I feel like I've let go a little but have hardly stopped wishing and waiting for that text.

Can anybody share some anecdotal data on whether at the two year mark they tend to be done forever, or if there's a decent chance this is just a larger and longer rupture in our breakup/makeup cycles?

I wrote a very long story of my relationship here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=358884.0
But to give the short version:

We had a push/pull relationship for over two years. She had never really had a relationship or been intimate with anybody, and also has a series of traumatic events in her life, so came into the relationship with a lot of fear. She pushed me away over and over, but I persevered, sticking it out to prove that I was serious about her whenever she'd pull the "I have too many problems to have a relationship" excuse, or apologizing for anything she was blaming for as an excuse to exit the relationship. As the relationship got more serious, and we became intimate, the attacks and reasons to run became more of the "if you really loved me..." variety. Over and over I apologized and promised to do better, and over and over we reconciled after our ruptures.

But I was doing some things I shouldn't have been doing like texting with female friends including exes too much, and even seeing one of my exes during the mini-breakups with my girlfriend. Knowing what I know now about pwBPD and their fears of abandonment, my transgressions with exes, though not quite as terrible as sleeping with other people while I was in a relationship, was still pretty bad and one of the most triggering things for my ex, who I truly did and still do love. 

In the end she gave me an ultimatum to stop talking to female friends and exes, I said this was unfair and would isolate me and make my world smaller, and so I was blocked. I expected to be unblocked in a week or two as had happened before, but today is 2 years since I was blocked.

I heard through the grapevine some of the stories she was telling about me, twisting the facts and rewriting history to make me out to be not a flawed person in a complicated situation but a truly evil monster. Needless to say, she was telling people that she'd never speak to me again, and I know that everybody in her circle was egging her on and telling her to never unblock me.

Throughout the two years and until as recently as a few months ago I've seen posts and song choices that indicated pretty clearly that she's not over the breakup, and I even got a strange text from her about a year ago, 1 year into the breakup, that seemed like a lighthearted ice breaker, but I couldn't text back because she never unblocked me. I was so happy to see the text that I started trembling, and then was so crestfallen to see that I couldn't text back. It was very confusing.

Anyway here I am, at the 2 year anniversary wondering what my chances are from here. I know I'm supposed to move on and try to meet somebody else, somebody healthier who can reciprocate love better, but that's easier said than done. It's hard to love somebody new when my ex still has my heart.

[Turkish]

Today is the two year anniversary since my ex and I broke up and I feel like I've let go a little but have hardly stopped wishing and waiting for that text.

Can anybody share some anecdotal data on whether at the two year mark they tend to be done forever, or if there's a decent chance this is just a larger and longer rupture in our breakup/makeup cycles?

It sounds like you're stuck. Do you want to be unstuck? How long is acceptable for you to wait? If your healing is dependent upon her actions then you don't own your healing.

My ex and the mother of our children asked to come back about 4 years after she left me for her AP and married him. They were separated but still married at the time. Obviously, we were still interacting due to the kids so it wasn't a "cold open." I fielded a few late night calls in tears, "I never should have left you!" And she once told me that in person.

She didn't want me, per se, but to return to the situation where she felt more secure. That wasn't growth, maturity or love driving it, but her emotions.