Advice: A no trespass order and a draft of my letter to him

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hey everyone,

So I heard from a friend of mine that my BPDx had texted her today, letting her know that he will be showing up to my residence to reclaim abandoned property on Sept. 8th.

I have filled out a no-trespass order, which I will copy and obtain proof that I mailed it to his temporary residence.

I have screen-shotted the text messages where he agreed that his abandoned property was, indeed, abandoned and I could "sell it, make some cash, give it away, use them." I will be sending that with the mailed no-trespass letter.

I also want to send a letter to him. I am already breaking the no-contact, but I want to let him know I am serious... but I want to be gentle. After all, I do love him. Neither of us wanted this to happen... but here we are. I cannot let him derail my progress. Please let me know what you think about this letter. I am open to any advice. I will need to send this out in the next week or so.



[his name]

I am sorry, but there are no items for you to retrieve at my residence. They were abandoned. You cannot come here. Last we discussed, the items that went back into the house were only to come out if I donated or sold them. Your text message from May 9th indicates that you had decided to abandon the items you could not remove. As the property owner, I provided sufficient notice to remove all items and large pieces of furniture on the porch (one week). I even allowed you to recover some of the abandoned items after a considerable window of time had passed (May 28th).

Furthermore, I have concerns that obtaining any abandoned property would only lead to more contact. Once your items were in your possession, you threatened me.  I don’t want to go down that road again. Last time, you said, “Great, well I’ll be in touch about everything inside. And I do mean EVERYTHING. Spoons, books, little trinkets, whatever. I want to make sure I get all of it. I want to make sure you know what’s mine and I collect my property.” You then threatened to call the police to have them escort you into my dwelling even after all items had been removed from the home. My concern is that I will be met with this again. I cannot allow you to come to my house. You have no right to do so. It is not your residence and has not been since May 4, 2024.

Please understand this isn’t about “stuff.” I have gone through intense therapy for the past month, and I am trying my hardest to face each day. I cannot see you. It will unravel me.
In a recent message, you asked me to tell you what items remained in my possession so you could figure out what you would need to purchase when you moved back. There is nothing here for you. There is no reason for you to come to my residence, so I sent you this trespass order. You are not permitted to enter my property. It is a considerable threat to my mental and emotional health. You have not respected “no contact.” You became aware that I would not contact you and indicated that you would respect my decision. Please do not contact my friends and discuss me. Of course, you can have whatever friends you choose, including mine. I have no say in that. I only ask that you respect this boundary and not put them in an uncomfortable position. This is hard enough for us. They do not know how to navigate this, which is not their responsibility.

The affection we felt for each other was genuine. So was/is the pain. I understand that this is not what anyone wanted. I will not explain to you my feelings because I do not want you to feel guilty. That’s not going to help. I have to take care of myself, and I have to continue to try to recover from this. I believe in you. You can recover, too. I want that for both of us. You are a beautiful person, and I want you to have the life you deserve. You deserve a healthy relationship and a fresh start. You deserve to heal the wounds that led us to this dark place. I am taking every step I can to emerge from this darkness. This is one of those steps.

When you are feeling good, you are a joy to behold. You deserve to have days like that every day. Please take good care of yourself.

[my name]




Gosh. There's so much I want to say... but I do not want to trigger him. I also don't want to say anything that would give him "hope" or make me seem weak and available/ripe for more manipulation. He knows exactly what to do and say to reel me back in.  I know I am not strong enough to face him. I do still love him. I hate his BPD, but I do love him.

Do I take out the stuff about reaching out to my friends? I feel like I don't need it... but I also feel like that's what he will do next... honestly... he will probably do what he wants anyway... fueled by overwhelming emotion and self-deception. Ugh.

[HealthTeacher]

Hey everyone,

So I heard from a friend of mine that my BPDx had texted her today, letting her know that he will be showing up to my residence to reclaim abandoned property on Sept. 8th.

I have filled out a no-trespass order, which I will copy and obtain proof that I mailed it to his temporary residence.

I have screen-shotted the text messages where he agreed that his abandoned property was, indeed, abandoned and I could "sell it, make some cash, give it away, use them." I will be sending that with the mailed no-trespass letter.

I also want to send a letter to him. I am already breaking the no-contact, but I want to let him know I am serious... but I want to be gentle. After all, I do love him. Neither of us wanted this to happen... but here we are. I cannot let him derail my progress. Please let me know what you think about this letter. I am open to any advice. I will need to send this out in the next week or so.



[his name]

I am sorry, but there are no items for you to retrieve at my residence. They were abandoned. You cannot come here. Last we discussed, the items that went back into the house were only to come out if I donated or sold them. Your text message from May 9th indicates that you had decided to abandon the items you could not remove. As the property owner, I provided sufficient notice to remove all items and large pieces of furniture on the porch (one week). I even allowed you to recover some of the abandoned items after a considerable window of time had passed (May 28th).

Furthermore, I have concerns that obtaining any abandoned property would only lead to more contact. Once your items were in your possession, you threatened me.  I don’t want to go down that road again. Last time, you said, “Great, well I’ll be in touch about everything inside. And I do mean EVERYTHING. Spoons, books, little trinkets, whatever. I want to make sure I get all of it. I want to make sure you know what’s mine and I collect my property.” You then threatened to call the police to have them escort you into my dwelling even after all items had been removed from the home. My concern is that I will be met with this again. I cannot allow you to come to my house. You have no right to do so. It is not your residence and has not been since May 4, 2024.

Please understand this isn’t about “stuff.” I have gone through intense therapy for the past month, and I am trying my hardest to face each day. I cannot see you. It will unravel me.
In a recent message, you asked me to tell you what items remained in my possession so you could figure out what you would need to purchase when you moved back. There is nothing here for you. There is no reason for you to come to my residence, so I sent you this trespass order. You are not permitted to enter my property. It is a considerable threat to my mental and emotional health. You have not respected “no contact.” You became aware that I would not contact you and indicated that you would respect my decision. Please do not contact my friends and discuss me. Of course, you can have whatever friends you choose, including mine. I have no say in that. I only ask that you respect this boundary and not put them in an uncomfortable position. This is hard enough for us. They do not know how to navigate this, which is not their responsibility.

The affection we felt for each other was genuine. So was/is the pain. I understand that this is not what anyone wanted. I will not explain to you my feelings because I do not want you to feel guilty. That’s not going to help. I have to take care of myself, and I have to continue to try to recover from this. I believe in you. You can recover, too. I want that for both of us. You are a beautiful person, and I want you to have the life you deserve. You deserve a healthy relationship and a fresh start. You deserve to heal the wounds that led us to this dark place. I am taking every step I can to emerge from this darkness. This is one of those steps.

When you are feeling good, you are a joy to behold. You deserve to have days like that every day. Please take good care of yourself.

[my name]




Gosh. There's so much I want to say... but I do not want to trigger him. I also don't want to say anything that would give him "hope" or make me seem weak and available/ripe for more manipulation. He knows exactly what to do and say to reel me back in.  I know I am not strong enough to face him. I do still love him. I hate his BPD, but I do love him.

Do I take out the stuff about reaching out to my friends? I feel like I don't need it... but I also feel like that's what he will do next... honestly... he will probably do what he wants anyway... fueled by overwhelming emotion and self-deception. Ugh.

[once removed]

he wants his belongings. you dont want him to come to your residence to get it. is there another way?

[jaded7]

You don't need to let him come to your house, that's for sure. And he is using your friend to communicate with you
creating a kind of triangulation.

And he is not following his own words and stated desires, and you have proof of that in his communications.

This is all textbook for dealing with a person with BPD.

And you are going to now try to show him that his words and actions are not aligning, which is also textbook for dealing
with someone with BPD. And you are going to explain yourself and your desires, again textbook.

You don't want to be reeled back in, oh how we understand that.

By his announcement to your friend he is manipulating the situation knowing that your friend will let you know what his
plans are. So he is already reeling you back in to the drama. I can't help but think that his goal is to get you to
communicate with him in some way, which is what you are thinking about doing.

We spend so much time and effort explaining ourselves, pointing out their words to them, trying to show them why
their actions and words are hurtful, unhelpful. Your letter is very much explaining why you don't want to allow the thing
he wants to do, why it is hurtful and potentially retraumatizing for you, what he said before, etc.

It seems so logical to explain these things to them, surely they will get it. But their past behavior shows that they won't.

Is there a way you can just acknowledge this is what they do, it's part and parcel of the dynamics, and...I don't know, just put the items
in a storage locker, leave them at the friend's house? Without explaining yourself again?

Just thinking out loud HealthTeacher, it's a hard situation and complicated. I definitely understand the difficult position you
are in.

[HealthTeacher]

I honestly really appreciate all of your feedback.

For me, I suppose it is this: I have not been good at boundaries with him (whatsoever). I think that this would be an effort to let him know that (a) he has no legal grounds to come to my property, (b) I am taking somewhat legal action, and (c) I am not going to give in; I am going to hold this boundary for once... for once, what I say my limits are, WILL BE MY LIMITS.

Does that make sense? I feel like all of my friends and family are like "just give him back his stuff." I have hauled his items into my house (up stairs, around corners, using dollies) twice and out of my house once. He abandoned them on my porch, where they stayed for a month until I brought them back in. I am not interested in this circus again. There is a lazy boy that I have had to awkwardly carry up and down several flights of stairs, only for him to discard it. I have done the same with a long dresser, a drum set, and a bed set... also a bookshelf.

What I anticipate is the same thing he did before... find a way to complicate the transfer of items. What bothers me the most, actually, is just getting back to the boundaries thing. He is boundary-busting for items he doesn't want and doesn't need. They are a pawn in the game. I am trying to end the game once and for all. After all, once he gets his stuff, he will feel like I am now open to this sort of discourse, and he will continually reach out for some missing screw... I don't want to have to spend another day or two trying to find time to move all these items again, to my porch... I cannot and will not get a truck for him.. and I anticipate he will not show up with a truck... or it will be a pickup and it won't fit it all... and it will be some other huge debacle. If I have the stuff dropped off at a location of his choosing/where he is living... then that's going to require even more contact (what he really wants) and I am not going to be on the hook for organizing/scheduling delivery.

I have done this before. He didn't play nice and left his crap... and played with me for 10 days. I set a boundary when I kicked him out... he was able to bust that boundary... so I set another... and another... and I desperately feel like I need to hold the line here. He needs to see that I am a new woman. He needs to see that he cannot "have the last word" or "take control of the situation," which is what this is all really about.

For all he knows, it is sold. I would be happier to sell it or give it away and tell him his items are at the Habitat for Humanity store in town.

When he reached out to me about the stuff and wanted to know if it was still there (so he could get it, not asking if he could) or if it was gone and he had to buy new... looks like he was prepared to buy new so that's what he needs to do.

When he reached out to my friend, he said he was coming to my house on the 8th "if that's OK." He will get the no trespass order and he will see, it's not OK.

Jaded, you are right. This is part of the game and I am swept in it again, no matter what I do. Either I reclaim my boundaries or I let him in... but either way, it's getting to me.... but it's not getting to me in the way he wishes it would... in making me feel weak and overwhelmed. My gloves are off. Let's go.

My mom is going to stay with me and be there on the 8th so that when/if he shows up, I can just call the police. He has no legal leg to stand on regarding his crap. It is crap, by the way... nothing that can't be easily replaced. If it was that important to him, he would have taken it the first time in early May or the second time in late May when I let him get more of his stuff... and, of course, spend time with me... because last time he came to get his stuff, he REELED ME BACK IN... which is exactly why we are in this situation right now... he knows he can get mileage out of this. I am trying to put a stop to that.

[CC43]

Health,

To a normal and rational person, your letter seems clear.  But I can't help but feel that your letter is a written form of JADE--Justifying, Arguing, Defending and Explaining.  In my experience, people with BPD don't react well to JADE.  It also seems like you are breaking your own boundary of no contact, and in a way you're engaging with him again.  I don't mean this in a harsh way.  I suspect that by writing a draft, you're thinking carefully about your rationale for sending the letter before you do it.  You letter reads to me like you're trying to justify to yourself your actions.  His past behavior is all the justification you need in my opinion.  You gave him plenty of opportunities to retrieve his stuff.  He's the one who needs to face the consequences of his choices, not you.

I guess if I were you, I'd omit the letter completely.  If he blows up after receiving the no trespass order, then he's free to blow up, as long as he's not around you.  If he comes around to your house nevertheless, I think you don't answer the door, and if he lingers, then you call the cops.  That is the boundary of no contact that you're enforcing.

That's just my perspective.  I wish you some peace and the ability to move on in a healthy way.

[once removed]

I am not going to give in; I am going to hold this boundary for once... for once, what I say my limits are, WILL BE MY LIMITS.
...
I set a boundary when I kicked him out... he was able to bust that boundary... so I set another... and another... and I desperately feel like I need to hold the line here. He needs to see that I am a new woman. He needs to see that he cannot "have the last word" or "take control of the situation," which is what this is all really about.

 

boundaries used as a way to try to prove a point or as a "fix" for conflict tend to backfire, and escalate the conflict we are trying to resolve.

and, importantly, they dont involve other peoples belongings, or our thoughts about their thoughts or intentions with them.

i spent months of my recovery trying to get my own belongings back, with the same motivation: "i wasnt going to give in". "i wasnt going to let her win". i think that in cases like these, it helps to ask "what will ultimately help me detach"? what that is is often not intuitive. it may be hard. it may test us.

the process of exchanging belongings is the most common dispute in any post breakup contact (in general). it has been detailed extensively here by members on both sides of it. it is often messy, and one of the more difficult parts of breaking up, but certainly, it can be made more complicated where bpd is involved. youre wise to consider that, in whatever you do.

its perfectly reasonable that you dont want him at your home - now or ever. there are a number of potential solutions that limit your involvement. Jaded's suggestion is a good one, and its the simplest, most commonly "prescribed" solution. it cuts through all the noise.

whatever you do, it will help to think in terms of what will ultimately help you detach.

This is part of the game and I am swept in it again, no matter what I do. Either I reclaim my boundaries or I let him in... but either way, it's getting to me.... but it's not getting to me in the way he wishes it would... in making me feel weak and overwhelmed. My gloves are off. Let's go.

this is an extension of the old relationship problems/hurts carrying over post breakup. natural to feel, of course, and at the same time, what you seek to detach from. does he need to see that you are a new woman, or do you need him to see that? think about it; next steps will feel simpler.

[try2heal]

Have you considered sending the no-trespass and the printouts of the relevant text messages and skipping the letter? That might be a happy-medium of providing context and explanation without engaging.

[jaded7]

"I have done this before. He didn't play nice and left his crap... and played with me for 10 days. I set a boundary when I kicked him out... he was able to bust that boundary... so I set another... and another... and I desperately feel like I need to hold the line here. He needs to see that I am a new woman. He needs to see that he cannot "have the last word" or "take control of the situation," which is what this is all really about."

OnceRemoved's post got me rethinking about this quote.

Just some thoughts that come to my head:

You have major evidence that he doesn't respect boundaries. You tried, then tried again...and again. And he kept pushing them and
violating them.

You are now trying to set another boundary. I don't suspect he will respect it, no matter how you do it, or why. He's a boundary buster, as you
say (great phrase).

The boundary setting seems to feel really important to you, as it should and does for us. So you want to make this one stick. There is no
good evidence that it will. We definitely want them to respect our boundaries, we will explain and explain why they are there. And the boundary buster,
true to form, will break it. That's what they do, no amount of logic or steadfastness will stop them from trying.

He needs to see that I am a new woman. He needs to see that he cannot have the last word or take control of the situation.

I think this one is really central, and I totally get it. YOU/WE (I include myself in this kind of thinking!) need THEM to see something.  It's our need
actually, not theirs. If they see that ___________, then they will acknowledge me, they will not bust boundaries, they will respect me and my wishes. I will make
them see this, and then things will be better, she/he won't belittle me, yell at me, call me names.

But there is no evidence at all that they will see these things.

If I rephrase your statement it might read like "I need him to see me as a new woman, a person who holds boundaries and is strong, as a person who will
have the last word and can take control of a situation". If that need is met, you are then free and at peace. This is very similar to how JADE gets going.

I do absolutely understand where you are coming from, and have had these thoughts many, many times. But in my learning, I'm starting to recognize things
and the futility. It's mind twisting!

Here's a thought. No is a complete sentence. This is something I tell my good friend who gets into absolutely crazy interactions with his exw, for 12 years now. She proposes some change in the parenting plan, she leaves town to surf during her parenting time, she asks for more money, she suggests he come to pick up the child....etc etc, and get's pulled into months long dramas and text/email barrages full of name calling and threats. Every single time. They have a parenting plan, they have court ordered child support...nothing more is needed. All he has to do is say no. But he doesn't.

So, you simply saying 'no', and attaching the no trespassing order is, IN FACT, you saying to him- showing him- that you are a new
woman, that he cannot have the last word or take control of the situation. The old HealthTeacher would have explained why she doing what she's doing,
given plenty of good reasons, and the boundary is busted. The new woman HealthTeacher is simply saying 'no'.

He might still bust the boundary, but this time it's violating the law.

So you can tell yourself, and him, you are a new woman now who's gone to lot's of therapy. No is a beautiful way to do it.

I don't know if that makes any sense at all. I just had these thoughts when I read the line. Just here to support and help you think through things.

[HealthTeacher]

Wow. This group is great and I am getting the exact feedback that I need. I needed to hear all of this.


CC43, I hadn't heard about the JADE acronym... and I think it fits my situation perfectly. This has obviously triggered me and I am now engaging in the fight. Last night, my dreams were filled with nightmares regarding this and his eventual return, so I am not thinking clearly. This is another reaction from me that comes from emotional wounding and trauma that began long before my BPDx entered the picture. I am so tired of having to deal with this sort of thing.

My letter to him would indeed break my no-contact rule. I was actually nervous that I would engage in some mental gymnastics and convince myself that a letter would be appropriate... and I have done it... but obviously, I used caution and reached out to this community first (thank goodness). I will omit the letter entirely. Everyone who commented is absolutely correct... he will do what he will do regardless. He also has a text record of what he said to me... I do not need to remind him... which would probably only make him spiral more and take it as further criticism. He has a memory of our agreement that he is not to try to come back to my house to "look for" something he may have forgotten or reclaim property that was abandoned. I could always just have my friend tell him that I sold it or gave it away if he asks him about it again (although I would rather not involve anyone... period).

OnceRemoved is also spot-on with this. I am so thankful for all of this feedback, as it grounds me because I was clearly triggered by this news and started stress spiraling.

I will send the no-trespass, as I have no choice. I may also put the screenshot in there, just for legal reference, but I will say nothing. I am just going to send it to his residence and ignore him. All I can do is call the police if he shows up. I will see where it goes from there.

If it turns out that he pitches an even bigger fit... and it would be easier to just put the items on the street, I will. No contact necessary... and no trespassing necessary. I have cameras all around my home. Chances are, it's not going to be what he wanted... and he will leave the items out on the street to rot, just as he did before. Left everything out in the rain and in the weather to deteriorate after demanding I make it available... then it becomes my problem to dispose of it. The town won't have it... they will fine me... it will still be my responsibility... and if I bring any of it back into the house... he will again demand his items. This is why I do not wish to do this again... because it's not about the stuff. I just desperately want this to be over... and I know there is no one-size-fits-all to these situations. If engaging with a reasonable individual, the letter would make sense... but that's not what I am working with at the moment.

I didn't cause it, I cannot cure it, and I cannot control it. Sending the letter would also be trying to control it... and there's no way I can do that. As mentioned, it would likely only make matters more emotionally charged, which I also do not want.

Jaded7, that all made boatloads of sense. No is a complete sentence. I am subconsciously playing the game by sending a letter. It's another act of self-deception on my part... a letter means nothing and only adds gasoline to the dumpster fire.

Again, so thankful for the insight and support offered by this group. Thank you for being brave and telling me what I did not want to hear. I can take it. Give it to me straight. I am not playing around... this is my life and my mental health.

[once removed]

in recovery, one of the best things about a support group can also be one of the worst for us.

a support group validates us. we find people who share our unique experiences. we feel less alone, less isolated.

on the other hand, a support group validates (rescues) us, sometimes at any cost.

one of the things this support group gets best, all of us, at all different stages, is the unique feelings youve felt in your relationship, and after it, the unique challenges you face in trying to detach from it, and some of the unique and challenging things that make up who your ex loved one is. while all of our situations differ, we all have some idea of how hard this can be.

No is a complete sentence.

so is "go  yourself ya jerk". but what "no" is replying to is part of the picture, yes?

"can i see our kids?"

"no"

(sexless marriage) "can we have sex?"

"no"

"can i have my belongings?"

"no"

"will you please for the love of god sign the divorce papers?"

"no"

all of these things have been done both to, or by, members here. as a support group, we tend to validate them when we do them, and decry them when theyre done to us. in every one of them, context matters.

HealthTeacher, in your posts you detail a relationship that you, like many of us, had a hard time walking away from. i know in my own relationship, i threatened a breakup many times; easily over a hundred. at some point in our relationship, it just became something we said when an argument reached an impasse. and damn it, at least some of them, i really tried to mean  . i get how hard it can be, and how hard it can be to resist something that feels too good to leave, but too bad to stay.

ultimately, you have done it. you made that hardest of hard decisions; not that it isnt hard to stand by, but you have done a major part of the hardest part. it is entirely valid that you dont want to put that hard work and progress at risk, or that seeing him might weaken your resolve.

it is also a consistent reason you give for not wanting to return his belongings. you have said "its not about the stuff".

his post breakup communications to you that you detail here (beyond his initial thoughts/side of things on the breakup, which can be hard to read and/or annoying, but are typical) have been, consistently, about the stuff. there werent indications of trying to reconcile the relationship. you indicated you didnt want to reply to them because you wanted to show him your resolve. there are lots of options that limit or even preclude your involvement, and return his stuff.

you also indicate that you dont think hes entitled to them, that he had written them off before, and that they arent of any value.

people are entitled to change their mind about the value of their belongings, and we cant ever know, or decide, what that is. he may have said that at the time to appeal to you and try to avoid a breakup and then changed his mind. he may not have known what all you had. he may, not unlike you, and not unlike members on the flip side, be fighting you on the principle of the thing, seeing you holding his stuff as holding him hostage, and wanting to prove a point, or thinking you want to reengage down the road. in which case, returning his belongings ends the drama, and fighting him polarizes/escalates it and keeps you involved. you may be legally in the right that hes not entitled to them and cant, say, sue you for damages.

but practically speaking, if i had your belongings, and you wanted them, and i wouldnt give them back or even reply, how would you react?

SPOILER ALERT: My friend who lives near him is going to get my items tomorrow. She's already texted him about it. She's getting it. Period. End of story. Her decision after I sent her the text. She will help protect me. Once she has my stuff in her possession, I will block him, his family members, and all of his friends. I know he will still use other means to reach out, but I will not engage. He will probably show up on my front door. I will still not engage. If I have to, I will get a "no trespass" order.

you might up the ante, and through the help of friends, get your belongings. not unlike hes doing. per human nature, thats what you can probably expect if you follow through with this.

so, question: is there a practical danger to him having his belongings, whatever they mean to him, apart from fear of weakening resolve? if not, you can mitigate that.

i dont mean to be naive about it. you know him best, and its not uncommon for the exchange of belongings to bring a person to plead for another chance. its such a "final" thing that sometimes it happens even if no one intended it. but at the end of the day, not only are you not a slave to his advances, but theres no reason you need to have any exposure to him in order for him to get his stuff, right?

i recognize that it can feel like giving in to grant much of anything to an ex with whom you share bitter history. the thing is, finding a way to let him have what is his, and remove a target, if thats what you want to do, will ultimately go a lot further toward achieving your goal of peace and detachment.

[HealthTeacher]

I also sincerely appreciate your honest and revealing dialogue, Once Removed.

To be completely honest, I care nothing about the items. I only care about being done with this mess. They are materially worth nothing. I am not interested in "besting him" with regard to them. I am just living in fear that this "pawn" in his game will unravel me. With my items, if my friend couldn't get them, I would have certainly left it all behind. In fact, I don't have them in my possession and it could be a year before I do, since she lives 800 miles away. Another aspect of getting my crap was so that he couldn't try to use it to get to me... the day she picked it up, it was because he had said the night before that he was going to hand-deliver it to me. She picked it up to prevent this face-to-face interaction. Thank goodness he was drunk and passed out when she arrived. I hate having anyone else involved in this.

I just want this over with. If I could see a pathway to getting the items out of the house and this truly being over, I would take it in a heartbeat. This is such a hard situation to navigate... I am no longer interested in "winning," since the only "win" for me is getting free.

I am truly worried about seeing him. I talked to my mom for hours last night about this. I love this man. I will melt when I see him. I love him even though he has BPD. I am not strong enough to refuse him. I am trying to do all of the "refusing" now, while he is away... and I want to keep him at bay because the stakes are so high.

I do understand that it's possible that he agreed to abandon his items when he was fully confident that this wouldn't be a REAL breakup. It is possible that he changed his mind about that. I just don't know what to do. If I saw a way out, I would take it. I am just living in fear that I will be pulled back into a situation that I have been unable to handle when he's in my presence.

I know that nobody can tell me what to do with confidence, since they don't know him or what he is capable of... and neither do I... but I do know that he can be totally reasonable at times... it is just hard to know when. How do I get him his stuff back without bringing in another person or seeing him myself? Even when I know that's not what he's really getting after? Even when we did this last time, he had everything out of the house and at his fingertips... and much of it he didn't want to take... and when he had taken everything that was his, he turned his aggression into requesting things that were mine... and my time... and trying to force me to see him with police...

I am terrified. I am not strong enough to face him. I just want all of this to go away. I don't want his sh*t. It's sh*t. He left it outside back in May. I brought it into the house so I was in compliance with local ordinances... there is still bird sh*t on it. I don't want it... I just want this circus to end. This is the last thing he feels "justified" in reaching out to me about. Anything beyond that his harassment... so I have entertained several ways in which I could "return" abandoned items... but all signs point to "he's not going to get them and you will have to do this allllllll over again."

I have no idea which move is the right one.

[HealthTeacher]

Admittedly, I am a little confused about this one:

his post breakup communications to you that you detail here (beyond his initial thoughts/side of things on the breakup, which can be hard to read and/or annoying, but are typical) have been, consistently, about the stuff. there werent indications of trying to reconcile the relationship. you indicated you didnt want to reply to them because you wanted to show him your resolve. there are lots of options that limit or even preclude your involvement, and return his stuff.

The way I read this is that his messages have been about his items and not reconciling.

I just cannot fathom that he is coming back to live in my town, renewed his contract with an employer that pays him 50% of his typical wages... to pay money to rent an apartment... when he owns a home of his own 2 hours away... and that mortgage is less than rent here... NOT to reconcile. When he did attempt to reconcile and I didn't play ball... he waited 10 days and then contacted me to tell me he was moving back... then mentioned the stuff. I didn't play ball... so then he pressed the issue of the stuff, but it wasn't about the stuff... even then, he wouldn't release my items to a 3rd party until he had "heard from me." He had to get to me. That was the goal...

He's been reaching out to two of my best friends consistently, with whom he has no relationship. They tell him to leave me alone. He says he's "starting to come to terms with the fact that we might be over" and "starting to come to terms with the fact that we might not hang out" when he returns.

He is in la la land. THAT also makes me very very afraid that he's going to try to get in front of me to turn on the charm. He's been blocked. He can't attempt to reconcile until he gets me in front of him, he's blocked... text, call, email, you name it.

This just sucks. I have been trying to move on as best I can... and I felt like I was doing a great job. I feel like I am 75% better... but I still feel 25% vulnerable. Even after getting off the phone with my mom... I had all of these compassionate feelings towards him... I was already starting to make excuses for him again. I just need all of this to end.

[Skip]

There letter is a huge amount of contact and emotional stuff and, respectfully, some drama ("there is nothing here to retrieve). There are many lines that beg a response. On some levels, you probably do want a response. There is always that feeling of unfinished business.

Granted, his whole reason for wanting to retrieve it could very well be the same.

If you don't want drama, you would write something like this,.

Please rent a storage locker at a ____ storage facility and email the lock combination to me. I will move your stuff there in the next 3-4 weeks and will email you when I am done.

If I don't receive an email in the next 10 days, I will donate your stuff to _________.

Thanks for working with me on this.

And then do as you say.  If you don't hear back, send him the receipt from the Goodwill center. There will be no point in coming over on the 8th.

If you want to talk to him, admit it and talk to him. But even if you do, now is not the time. Your letter sounds like you are still very raw. I'd wait a while.

[seekingtheway]

Agreeing with Skip re the suggestion of using a storage locker for any remaining items. I've seen it suggested here on the site with others who have had the same problem, and it does seem to be the least drama-filled option, and the one with the least amount of contact needed. You could even consider paying for the storage for a month and give him access, and then let him know it will be donated beyond that point.

Whatever value he places on this things is up to him, but it may just be a remaining tie that keeps the drama going until it's sorted out, so in a way, pushing through this final hurdle may give you what you need to feel like all the loose ends have been tied up and you can then just hold your boundaries of no contact.

Also agreeing that your letter has quite a lot of emotional content to it that could potentially invite more engagement and drama... it's potentially too soon for you to be in an authentic place of being 100% detached. It's a journey and a process to get there.

[HealthTeacher]

A storage locker does seem like the best solution that makes it so that I do not have to worry about scheduling anything. I do not wish to contact him at all personally, but I can also have my mom send him the message or one of my friends.

I have a little truck of my own, so I can transport the items with a little help.

I am going to look into this. We have a few storage areas nearby. Hopefully, there is a vacancy.

I am not sending any letter, but I will send the no trespass. The letter was certainly an emotional plea that is unnecessary and counterproductive considering my overarching goal.

[GaGrl]

The storage locker solution that has been discussed most has been to rent the storage locker, prepaid for one to even three months, and then mail the Ex the key to the locker. I would suggest sending a letter telling Ex that all belongings are in the storage locker, here is the key, and the rental is paid through (date) -- and send the letter registered, return receipt requested. That way, you are done as soon as the letter/key is mailed, and you'll have documentation.

He may never retrieve the "stuff," if his goal was connecting with you, but -- that's what the TV show Storage Wars is about.

[Skip]

I am not sending any letter, but I will send the no trespass. The letter was certainly an emotional plea that is unnecessary and counterproductive considering my overarching goal.

 

[CC43]

Teacher,

I agree the storage locker would be a way to rid yourself of you ex's belongings without risking contact with him, which seem to be your priorities.  I guess if you have the time, energy and ability to move his things, as well as money to pay for the locker, it could be the perfect solution.  I just wonder whether he's trying to manipulate you in a sadistic way, trying to "punish" you with this burden, as you already moved his furnishings around, more than once, and he didn't bother to retrieve them, despite having ample opportunity to do so.  Or he might refuse to claim his property once again, believing that as long as you have control over his things, he has leverage over you.

I have people in my life (an uNPD and a diagnosed BPD) who seem to enjoy manipulating others to do all sorts of work that they themselves would never deign to do, as a misguided form of revenge or retribution, a power move, or merely to take delight in seeing others serve them, always doing their bidding, while they have no intention of cooperating.  A typical ploy is to make any encounter exceedingly difficult in terms of planning and logistics, and he uses intimidation (shouting, threats) to get you to do his bidding.  At the end of the day, you make most of the effort and sacrifices, and sometimes spend money, while he does little to nothing.  In a sadistic way he might feel he has "won."  Initially I tended to interpret your story with this lens, because I really believe that a non-BPD person would have made arrangements to retrieve (or dispose of) their belongings right away, as is customary whenever people move or change residences!  When a lease is up or a house is sold, former occupants don't get weeks to months to get their stuff, and anything abandoned is disposed of, and they bear the cost of disposal.

Maybe your case is different, and maybe I'm projecting possible BPD/NPD behaviors onto your situation.  If your overriding goal is to be over and done, no matter the repeated inconvenience to you, then I'd say, it would be a great move.  Maybe it will even be cathartic, to be finally free of his anxiety-triggering belongings, and in the process he'll lose this residual form of leverage over you.

I wish you peace.  I hope you do something nice for yourself when the task is done.

[HealthTeacher]

Well, he is certainly trying to feel like he has control over the situation. I am at a point where the extra time and effort and money is nothing in the grand scheme of things if I can get him off my back.... and to stop texting my best friends all day every day... he's not texting them about the stuff... he's texting them to try to get back into my life... but the stuff seems to be the angle. Hopefully when this mess is over, he will feel like he has no cards left to play and leaves everyone alone... but I am not convinced. Either way, I gotta exhaust every option. All roads need to be dead ends... except his crap. If that's something he legitimately wants, that will not be a dead end... but it will NOT lead to ME.

The way I see it now, he will come back and probably tell the cops that "I took a short-term contract job, my GF broke up with me while I was gone, and she locked me out of the house." To try to force his way in. This will prevent that. All of the remaining items will be in the storage locker. If he tries to force himself back in with police to look for "a spoon or trinket," he's just going to seem completely nuts and I doubt they will allow it... and if they do, so be it. If there are cops with him while he goes through my home one more time, then that can be the last and final time... and I welcome law enforcement.

Is this a huge expense for me? Yes, at least a few hundred dollars. Also, I am going to burn up the whole day before classes start (moving the items into the locker tomorrow and classes are on Tuesday). This is a HUGE inconvenience. This will be the LAST.

I strongly suspect he will not get the items from the storage unit.

In my no-trespass letter, I will include the address for the storage unit and put a lock on the unit that has a combination. I will give him the combination in the no-trespass letter. I will also let him know that after the end of the storage unit lease term, any abandoned items will be discarded. This also covers my butt. He will rip the damn no-trespass order up... but I will send it by certified mail with a tracking number. I can email it to him. I can also have my friend send it to him... so he has it in triplicate.

After that... anything else he does that violates boundaries (especially trespassing) is grounds for calling the police.

He's been bugging both of my friends about getting him in contact with me about the stuff. I told one of them they could tell him about the storage locker plan. He can't stop me from doing it... and there's a chance that he will try to find a way to stop me. There's also a chance that this helps him see that I am not playing the game. If he wants his stuff, he can absolutely have it... at a neutral 3rd party location where he can't try to negotiate contact with me and "schedule" times to pick things up one item at a time... dragging this on for two weeks. He has no leverage with this. If stuff is truly what he's after, then there's no reason to engage with me... not now and not ever again.

[seekingtheway]

Sounds like you have a solid plan in place that will help you get to where you want to be.

With respect, it sounds like your friends are enabling/encouraging some of the drama to continue - engaging with him on text message if he is messaging them 'all day every day', and then passing on information to you of what he is saying is leaving a very clear and open channel of communication open between him and you. And if you are seeking peace and for him to truly get the message that this is done, this may be a loop you'll need to consider closing at some point also. He may be seeing your friends' willingness to communicate with him as a light in the window as it were.

[Skip]

In my no-trespass letter, I will include the address for the storage unit and put a lock on the unit that has a combination. I will give him the combination in the no-trespass letter. I will also let him know that after the end of the storage unit lease term, any abandoned items will be discarded. This also covers my butt. He will rip the damn no-trespass order up... but I will send it by certified mail with a tracking number. I can email it to him. I can also have my friend send it to him... so he has it in triplicate.

I would follow the local law on the no trespass demand.

1. Use a standard letter for your jurisdiction (example below).

2. Send it certified mail and first class mail

3. Get the forms from you local police for get your trespass warning on file. Be sure to attached the certified mail receipt. You need this for when you call the police on him (if he tresspasses) so they can verify a no trespass warning exists.

RE: No Trespass Notice

I am writing to notify you that you are not authorized to enter or remain on my property located at [Your Property Address]. This notice serves as an unequivocal demand for you to cease and desist from entering or being present on the property.

Please be advised of the following:

    No Entry: You are not permitted to enter or remain on the property under any circumstances.

    On File with ___ Police Depaartment:  Failure to comply my result in your arrest.

Thank you for your immediate attention to this matter.

Handle the property exchange separate.

Don't involve your friends. Rather, tell you friends to not relay any messages from ___ to you. They have every right to talk to him, just ask that they don't pass those conversions on to you.

[HealthTeacher]

Well, I did it on Monday.

I got the storage unit and my friend and I loaded the items into the back of my little truck, packed them in, and locked the door.

I found a template for a no-trespass letter from the local police. I duplicated it and put in the specific information it needed to have. I also added a statement about the abandoned items being put in a storage locker, where the locker was, the combination of the lock, and a deadline to remove the items from the locker. When the lease is up, the items will be disposed of.  I printed it off and sent it by priority certified mail so that he would have to sign for it.

I thought I would feel a lot better afterward, but I felt a lot of sorrow. I just can't kick these negative feelings I am having about sending an official, certified no-trespass letter to him. He's going to see the letter. He will be overcome with anxiety. He will sign for it. It will probably generate attention, as he is a chef in a kitchen surrounded by college kids... and I have a feeling they will deliver it to the kitchen... he will be so anxious... then open it, and become so embarrassed. I simply cannot help feeling like a bad person, even though I know I am not... It is going to break his heart to bits and pieces.

I had to do it. He's coming back to my town for no good reason. He has no friends her, no family here, and the job he took is low-wage... and he will spend more on his rent than he will on his mortgage 2 hours away! It's so obvious that I have to do it. I know I have to do it. I really didn't want to do it. I didn't want him to open the letter at work. I don't want to make him suffer. I just need him to come to reality and realize that it is over for me. He lost the best thing that ever happened to him and he has to live with that. Part of me is amazed that he's got the motivation to try to "get me back." The whole moving back to this area is mind-boggling. There's no way he's told family the full story about this... for all I know, he's told them we are "on a break and working on it" or else they would do everything in their power to stop him. I know this. They have tried to stop him from reuniting with me in the past because they realize that he's very emotionally fragile and they don't want to see him suffer. He IS emotionally fragile (and hostile) and I do NOT want to see him suffer.

He knows about the storage unit. I had my girlfriend tell him to "test the waters" and see how he would react via text. He was clearly quite frustrated with my choice, but accepted those terms. He doesn't know the no-trespass is on its way. I wanted to "test" the waters to see if he would freak out and say to heck with the whole thing... then I could save the money and trouble. Ultimately, he may not even pick the stuff up... in which case, I can say I did my due diligence at least 3 times now. At least he's got a generous window of time to get his belongings and he doesn't need to communicate with anyone in my circle to make it happen. He doesn't have to pay for the climate-controlled storage. He didn't have to move them out of my house. This was another huge favor... and it will be the last.

He has been love-bombing my two best friends, one of which asked me today if she should block him. I told her to do whatever she is comfortable with. Just keeps reaching out to my two best friends telling them how much he loves and respects them... telling them how he is there for them if they need him... of course, it's all talk. If he was truly there for them he would ask questions about their day, what their challenges are, etc... he would actually be there for them. Instead, every day or so he reaches out to them to whisper sweet nothings... and it's obviously so that he can make some kind of impression on me indirectly... because he knows they will tell me... and they do (not immediately, but it comes up in conversation... they don't send me screenshots or anything because they don't want to negatively impact me).

Both of my friends see through it.... but the one who lives in my basement apartment... I am sure he considered this "friendship" a means to get into my house and in my circle. When he gets the no-trespass letter, he will realize that befriending my roommate will NOT get him into my home. All of his pathways back to me are going to be dead ends (that's the plan, anyway).

I am still holding out hope that he comes to his senses in a week and a half. He needs to just go home. He owns a home. He has a job he can return to there. He has some friends there. He could also start fresh somewhere else. He's only going to torture himself... and still, I do not feel strong enough... so, me as well. I love this man with all my heart, he is just not equipped to have a healthy relationship. My couple's therapist says it will probably be several years before he is able, and that's only if he puts in the work. He's got a long way to go... rage blackouts are a serious thing.

My mom is still going to stay with me on the 8th, the day he said he was coming to town and stopping by my home. If he does... I will have to call the police... and THAT will take sooooooooo much strength.

[SinisterComplex]

Well, I did it on Monday.

I got the storage unit and my friend and I loaded the items into the back of my little truck, packed them in, and locked the door.

I found a template for a no-trespass letter from the local police. I duplicated it and put in the specific information it needed to have. I also added a statement about the abandoned items being put in a storage locker, where the locker was, the combination of the lock, and a deadline to remove the items from the locker. When the lease is up, the items will be disposed of.  I printed it off and sent it by priority certified mail so that he would have to sign for it.

I thought I would feel a lot better afterward, but I felt a lot of sorrow. I just can't kick these negative feelings I am having about sending an official, certified no-trespass letter to him. He's going to see the letter. He will be overcome with anxiety. He will sign for it. It will probably generate attention, as he is a chef in a kitchen surrounded by college kids... and I have a feeling they will deliver it to the kitchen... he will be so anxious... then open it, and become so embarrassed. I simply cannot help feeling like a bad person, even though I know I am not... It is going to break his heart to bits and pieces.

I had to do it. He's coming back to my town for no good reason. He has no friends her, no family here, and the job he took is low-wage... and he will spend more on his rent than he will on his mortgage 2 hours away! It's so obvious that I have to do it. I know I have to do it. I really didn't want to do it. I didn't want him to open the letter at work. I don't want to make him suffer. I just need him to come to reality and realize that it is over for me. He lost the best thing that ever happened to him and he has to live with that. Part of me is amazed that he's got the motivation to try to "get me back." The whole moving back to this area is mind-boggling. There's no way he's told family the full story about this... for all I know, he's told them we are "on a break and working on it" or else they would do everything in their power to stop him. I know this. They have tried to stop him from reuniting with me in the past because they realize that he's very emotionally fragile and they don't want to see him suffer. He IS emotionally fragile (and hostile) and I do NOT want to see him suffer.

He knows about the storage unit. I had my girlfriend tell him to "test the waters" and see how he would react via text. He was clearly quite frustrated with my choice, but accepted those terms. He doesn't know the no-trespass is on its way. I wanted to "test" the waters to see if he would freak out and say to heck with the whole thing... then I could save the money and trouble. Ultimately, he may not even pick the stuff up... in which case, I can say I did my due diligence at least 3 times now. At least he's got a generous window of time to get his belongings and he doesn't need to communicate with anyone in my circle to make it happen. He doesn't have to pay for the climate-controlled storage. He didn't have to move them out of my house. This was another huge favor... and it will be the last.

He has been love-bombing my two best friends, one of which asked me today if she should block him. I told her to do whatever she is comfortable with. Just keeps reaching out to my two best friends telling them how much he loves and respects them... telling them how he is there for them if they need him... of course, it's all talk. If he was truly there for them he would ask questions about their day, what their challenges are, etc... he would actually be there for them. Instead, every day or so he reaches out to them to whisper sweet nothings... and it's obviously so that he can make some kind of impression on me indirectly... because he knows they will tell me... and they do (not immediately, but it comes up in conversation... they don't send me screenshots or anything because they don't want to negatively impact me).

Both of my friends see through it.... but the one who lives in my basement apartment... I am sure he considered this "friendship" a means to get into my house and in my circle. When he gets the no-trespass letter, he will realize that befriending my roommate will NOT get him into my home. All of his pathways back to me are going to be dead ends (that's the plan, anyway).

I am still holding out hope that he comes to his senses in a week and a half. He needs to just go home. He owns a home. He has a job he can return to there. He has some friends there. He could also start fresh somewhere else. He's only going to torture himself... and still, I do not feel strong enough... so, me as well. I love this man with all my heart, he is just not equipped to have a healthy relationship. My couple's therapist says it will probably be several years before he is able, and that's only if he puts in the work. He's got a long way to go... rage blackouts are a serious thing.

My mom is still going to stay with me on the 8th, the day he said he was coming to town and stopping by my home. If he does... I will have to call the police... and THAT will take sooooooooo much strength.

So I am going to get real for a moment here. Instead of creating dread for yourself and causing the anxiety of thinking you need so much strength how about you start viewing this in point blank logical terms of survival and doing what is necessary to survive. You would not be calling the police to do something bad to him. No, you would be calling the police because you need to protect yourself.

Start focusing on eliminating on how things will affect him and more on how you are going to survive and take care of yourself. If you don't you are only going to make this worse for yourself.

Do what you need to do for YOU. I understand your feelings and how you feel. Trust me I get it, but always practice telling yourself that you control your emotions your emotions do not control you. You have to train your mind that way to be able to handle tough situations when S inevitably hits the fan.

Try not to weigh yourself down with the date either. Go about living your life and doing your thing. The more thought you put into the date it becomes more of a deadline and pressure cooker in your mind and you will put yourself into a very dark and bad mental place...do not let that happen.

Keep posting here for support. Regardless of how blunt or tough I may come across please understand I do care and I do have your back along with the rest of the team and community here.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-