Reconnecting with BPD Ex

[Intelligere]

 Recently, I ended a relationship with someone I deeply cared about, not fully understanding his behaviors, which I later learned were connected BPD. At the time, I had no knowledge of his condition.  I left this relationship feeling utterly broken and confused.  I know of his PTSD and DID but not his BPD. 

Since our breakup, he admitted to having BPD. I've been doing everything I can to educate myself about the disorder, trying to understand what he goes through and how it affects our dynamic. I recognise it clearly in our past relationship now armed with the facts around PBD.  It's been a journey of growth and self-discovery for me as well as I've realized the importance of setting boundaries, taking care of myself, and understanding my own limits.  In our previous relationship, I lost myself, put his needs first, ran to save him from his destructive behaviours and tolerated way too much.

My partner wants to give the relationship another go, I do still care for him deeply and want to trust him again, but I'm also afraid. I'm apprehensive because I don't want to fall back into the unhealthy patterns that characterized our relationship before. He has said he wants to seek help and rebuild his life, but I sense that the idea might terrify him and he won't do it.  It's a non negotiable for me, but I also know I cannot force him to go into therapy.

I'm at a crossroads, torn between wanting to make it work and wanting to protect myself from the pain we both endured. I care about him and don’t want to hurt him, but I need to be clear: I cannot and will not go back to how things were. I’m seeking advice, words of wisdom, or any experiences that might help me navigate this.  How do I balance my desire to make things work between us with the need to protect myself and my own well-being?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Under The Bridge]

I ended a relationship with someone I deeply cared about, not fully understanding his behaviors, which I later learned were connected BPD. At the time, I had no knowledge of his condition.  I left this relationship feeling utterly broken and confused.

Exactly as I did many years ago; I ended my relationship with my BDPg/f and at the time, had no knowledge of BPD and the effects of it. Had I known something about it I may have persevered longer to try and make things work, though I think that it would still have ended as I dont think she would ever have tried to seek help - she never admitted to anything being her fault, she was always the victim.

I recently got in touch with her as I found that we live quite close by and I'm still waiting for some response - this is after 36 years so I'm not holding my breath, more living in hope. But what I would do now is to set firm boundaries as, like yourself, I'm not willing to just go back into the same cycle of her actions. I always just kept chasing her after she went off the rails and I realise now that this was just enabling her and making her do it all the more.

Maybe you could try setting some boundaries - behaviours which you simply won't tolerate from him - and perhaps he will see that you're not willing to have things continue the way they are but you still want to keep the relationship if possible. Your actions and responses are the only things you have any sort of control over, not his.

best wishes

[HurtAndTired]

Hi Intelligere,

I can fully empathize with your journey of self-discovery, learning all that you can about BPD, and the personal growth that you have gone through trying to learn how to better control your 50% of the relationship. I went through the same journey about a year ago with my dBPDw, and setting and enforcing strong boundaries is a must. What I find interesting is when you said:

My partner wants to give the relationship another go, I do still care for him deeply and want to trust him again, but I'm also afraid. I'm apprehensive because I don't want to fall back into the unhealthy patterns that characterized our relationship before. He has said he wants to seek help and rebuild his life, but I sense that the idea might terrify him and he won't do it.  It's a non negotiable for me, but I also know I cannot force him to go into therapy.

That sounds like a reasonable boundary to me. He's offered to get help and you want him to follow through if he wants a second chance. The fact that you said it is non-negotiable tells me that this is reflective of a core value that you should not budge on.

Think of it this way, if you had an ex who wanted to get back together and they were an alcoholic, your agreement to return the relationship could be conditional on them going to rehab, AA, and staying sober. No, you can't make the person go to rehab, but you can state your boundary that you will not be in a relationship with an alcoholic. This is reflective of your deeply held values and sense of self-worth. This is a very, very reasonable boundary that I think most people would think that this boundary is self-protecting, basic, and common sense. Likewise, you have an untreated pwBPD whose mental illness has caused much pain and turmoil in your former relationship. You have every right to make getting back together conditional on him going to, and staying in, treatment.

Perhaps I am splitting hairs, but to me, this does not seem like an ultimatum because you are not currently in a relationship with him. If I told my wife "I am leaving you if you do not go to, and stay in, treatment" it would be an ultimatum. Ultimatums should only be used as a last resort because they can damage, or break, the relationship. Issues that are important enough to warrant ultimatums are dealbreakers like reneging on wanting to have children, behavior that endangers you (like gambling away all of the rent money), etc.

Since you are not in a relationship with this person, there is nothing to break. The relationship is already over. Hence this is not an ultimatum, it is a reasonable condition. You already know where this path leads and have no wish to walk down it again. I can't blame you for wanting him to do things differently if he expects you to give him a second chance.

HurtAndTired

[Intelligere]

Thankyou Hurt and Tired
Tonight I feel like you.... again, hurt and tired.

I did reconnect with my BPD ex this past weekend with the intention of working on rebuilding our relationship. I made it clear to him that I wanted to go slowly, him working on him first,  before our relationship. This message didn’t seem to get through. He is wanting a  forever commitment and he left this morning, leaving me a note telling me he loved me,  but also saying that if I didn’t agree to see him this weekend, he would take it as a sign that I’m not interested in pursuing the relationship.

I told him that I felt this was manipulative and that I wouldn’t commit to seeing him until we had an adult conversation beforehand.

We had enjoyed a really good Friday and Saturday together, though I was quite nervous and openly communicated this and that I was learning how to communicate effectively and that I wasn’t ready to go back to how things were.  I made sure to use “I” statements and avoid blame, while also trying to convey my understanding of the pain he has to endure on a daily basis. He tried hard to show me that he was making an effort too, he really did. He was probably working far harder than I was. 

But right from the start the weekend fell into the usual cycle. The gifts, the affection, praising me and saying how perfect I am for him. He showered me with gifts and did things like taking care of the garden.  I recognize his efforts and tell him he doesn't have to do so much and I know it's a part of the cycle.  But I can't say that to him.   And then, KABOOM,  he misunderstood something I said. I had mentioned being invited the previous night to go out with my girlfriends, and he got upset when I didn’t provide the exact timing of their invitation.  The point I had been trying to make was that yes, I had been invited, but I wanted to be with him. He didn't hear this.

His reaction to the timing and his interrogation threw me into a panic, and suddenly I'm a liar again.  He ended up leaving, and I was once again accused of being a lier, a cheater, just wanting a single girls life etc etc. He later returned after I told him I wasn't going to chase him and he really didn't have anywhere else to go.  We talked things over. He admitted he was out of line, and we discussed him seeking help, how hard it is to find help nowadays as well as my refusal to return to the previous state of our relationship.  I can type with objectivity but it was gut wrenching and exhausting and there were lots of tears on both sides.  My ability to communicate like the eggshells book recommended last night went straight out the window. I admit, I'm a learner.

Anyway, this morning I woke up to an empty house and the ultimatum message.  He's done this before. Just leaves, goes home, no communication, will drink himself into a stupor, reach out, blah blah blah.... He's so complex and so broken, PTSD, DID and BPD to add to the neuro spicy mix.  But he's a good, good person and I do love him and I don't want to abandon him but I cannot endure this cycle as a constant in my future life. 

Today, I’ve tried to reach out to him with respect and love and also maintained my boundaries. I will not drive up the highway for 2 hours to make sure he is ok.  I am not trying to be  a martyr but I refuse to  abandon my own responsibilities to go and  hug him and tell him all will be ok.  It is also incredibly heartbreaking to be in this situation again, so freaking soon. 

 I worry about him self harming, isolating, ruminating... all of it.  When he's good, he's the most amazing person, but when this happens.  I just don't know if I can do it. This forum is for a reason...  I'm on it for a reason. 



 

[kells76]

Hi Intelligere, adding my voice to the other welcomes you have received 

Am I tracking with you that you initiated this breakup:

Recently, I ended a relationship with someone I deeply cared about, not fully understanding his behaviors, which I later learned were connected BPD. At the time, I had no knowledge of his condition.  I left this relationship feeling utterly broken and confused.  I know of his PTSD and DID but not his BPD. 

How long had the two of you been together?

What caused you to end the relationship that time?

...

One thought I'm having is that when BPD is involved, "having relationship talks", long verbal conversations about "us" or "the relationship", isn't always effective for improving the relationship. Doing the relationship -- especially doing the relationship differently -- might be more effective for connection and trustbuilding.

Backing away from the "here's what I'm doing to improve the relationship" talks (emotionally heavy/intense), and instead doing new/healthier approaches, could be a path forward.

It's kind of the difference between telling someone that you're communicating differently, and just communicating differently, if that makes sense.

My suspicion is that emotionally heavy talks aren't something he has bandwidth to handle. Has that been his history, or am I off base?

[HurtAndTired]

Intelligere,

I think Kells is spot on with the analysis. Instead of talking about changing your interactions, be like Nike...just do it.

I also wanted to add that you need to be kind to yourself. Yes, you are learning, but so are the rest of us. As Kells often reminds us, so much of what goes along with effectively dealing with pwBPD is counterintuitive and we just have to keep trying and practicing until it starts to feel more natural. I have been using the various "tools" from the "BPD toolkit" in conjunction with frequent visits to BPDFamily and intensive individual therapy (for myself) in trying to change how I communicate with my dBPDw and it still feels counterintuitive and frustrating...and I've been doing this for a year! It has been getting easier and I have developed some automaticity where I don't have to consciously think about it as much as I used to, but I still get emotionally flooded sometimes and have to step away from the interaction before I do or say something counterproductive. This is all a normal part of the learning process. Hang in there, it WILL get easier over time.

Finally, I want to remind you that you are not responsible for this man's well-being. He is an adult human being who somehow managed to survive for many years without you before the two of you met. Any type of impulsive behavior or self-harm that he may be contemplating or threatening is 100% on him. Do not let him try to put that on you. Try to remember the motto of Al-Anon (which is a great organization and incredibly relevant to partners of pwBPD) "I didn't  cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it." Remove the fear, obligation, and guilt (FOG) from yourself and you will more clearly see the boundaries of where he ends and you begin. As another frequent poster on here (Salty Dawg) says, "take care with self-care."

HurtAndTired

[Intelligere]

Dear Kells, Hurt and Tired,
Thank you so much for your advice and support. It means a lot to me as I navigate this difficult situation. It’s nice to be able to get it off my chest to people who understand.

The first time we were together lasted six months, and I ended it because I simply couldn’t cope with the constant false accusations and mistrust and inability to see this. I was being split on an hour-to-hour basis during the final weekend, which made things unbearable. That same weekend, we went out in public for the first time with a group of my friends and he also met my daughter for the first time. If I had known about the BPD and social anxiety, I would never have subjected him to such an anxiety-ridden experience, but as I’ve mentioned, I didn’t know at the time.

He’s an enormously proud man, stubborn as an ox, and does his best to mask his struggles, I can see this now. Alarm bells rang for me when he openly told some of my friends how much he hated his mother. I couldn’t believe he would say something like that to people he’d never met before and was unaware of their reactions to this. I suspect he had dissociated due to anxiety and likely doesn’t even remember saying it.
I feel for him deeply, but as I’ve said before and you have mentioned, I didn’t cause this, I can’t heal it, and it’s not my job to do so. After his last walkout, I received a text as if nothing had happened. I made it clear that if he ever needs space, as he mentioned having a lot to process, he should inform me as I was worried about him, and I would give him the space he needs.

Everything seemed fine up until a few hours later. Yesterday after a 13-hour workday and a three-hour meeting, I was really too exhausted to communicate well and was accused of spending ages on Instagram during the day. It felt like a kick in the stomach. The night before, he hadn’t said goodnight, was distant yesterday morning and then this. He then accused me of wanting a single girl’s life, my own boundaries which I was just going to make up as I go along, etc. I was so tired from work that I couldn’t engage properly but said it hurt given I’d been at work. His views were that he was just asking direct questions and could not see that they were accusatory statements or that he was accusing me of anything. I was flabbergasted. He suggested we step back to avoid getting hurt. I agreed, saying my well-being is my priority and that I couldn’t help him. I thought it best to step back until he gets help, and we see what happens after that. His response was a resounding “Fine,” and there’s been no contact since.

I believe I’m doing the right thing by not chasing him anymore. I’m prepared to be hated, but I will not tolerate the same behaviours that made me break up with him in the first place. This is part of the action you mentioned. Before, I was his worst enemy really, I was enabling of his bad behaviour and accepted his verbal and emotional abuse. The co-dependent for sure. NO MORE. My message is clear: no talk of a relationship until he has committed to therapy.

Having had my rant (again). He does recognise that his behaviour is unwarranted, just can’t stop it at the moment. I wonder if living two hours away does not help this. He is unable to work, and I am encouraging him work on himself, his identity, his socialisation so he has less time to think about things and me all the time.

Thank you again for your support. Good points re make the changes – just do it. Stop talking so much and just do it.