Holidays

[Pootlie]

Hello all,

Stumbled across the forums when searching for a counsellor who I thought might help me. After just a short period browsing, I have realised that I am certainly not alone living this neverending nightmare.

I neither want nor need to bore you all with the details of the past 3-4 decades of hell. So I will set out the most recent scenario which has brought us to breaking point and for which I would welcome honest thoughts.

My parents are elderly and my dad has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's in the past year. I am a single mum with one daughter (13). My sister has BPD and a shedload of other mental health baggage. She lives in supported accommodation in the same city as the rest of us.

We have been trying to enjoy family time whilst dad is still well enough and, whilst my sister has always been challenging, her behaviour has got increasingly anti social and unbearable over recent years.

Our recent holiday was completely ruined by her. She is selfish, rude, entitled, critical, judgmental, impatient and downright nasty. There were multiple blow ups where she (the victim) lamented how hard done-by she was and (perhaps my personal favourite) expressed how there was never any allowance for her mental illness.

[CC43]

Hi Pootlie,

You're right, you're not alone in this difficult journey.  I've found that untreated BPD is bad enough, but when it comes to holidays, it seems almost impossible for the pwBPD not to have a meltdown.

It sounds like you have a pretty good grasp of what is going on, and you're right to feel worn out.  I think that underlying BPD is a lot of negativity, a lack of self-esteem, and difficulties with controlling emotions.  Even small stressors can unleash the hatred and and the blaming.  I find there is extra stress around holidays, as people venture outside of their normal routines, and many people come together, multiplying the number of social interactions that could be misinterpreted.  But I think that with BPD, there's an added stress of seeing everyone else be happy, or maybe just "normal."  They feel inferior, or judged, and/or extremely jealous by comparison.  They probably can't handle these feelings, and so they erupt with meanness, often bringing up past slights that should be ancient history by now.  The slightest sense of "unfairness" in their mind--like someone laughing, or familial updates, or even someone paying attention to what's cooking on the stove instead of focusing on the pwBPD--can be a trigger.  I have a stepdaughter diagnosed with BPD, and even when she's on her very best behavior, she can barely stand holidays because she's bored, away from her entertaining screens.

For a many months now, my stepdaughter with BPD hasn't been able to handle holidays with the whole family.  She's always invited, but she declines to show up, which in the end is probably best, because she avoids a meltdown and "ruining" things for the rest of the family as on prior occasions.  What we tend to do is celebrate individually with her, in small doses she can handle (like a Christmas dinner the day after Christmas, just with her dad and me).  It seems rather pathetic, that a grown woman can't seem to handle a Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner, of maybe two hours' duration, with extended family without a meltdown.  But a "one-on-one" celebration is what has been working for us these days.

And when she does has a meltdown, I think of it in terms of an "adult tantrum."  I've found that the best response to an "adult tantrum" is an "adult timeout."  She'll typically storm off and then cut communications with everyone, typically for several weeks.  The key is to give her time and space to cool off, and not to "beg" her to apologize, or to come back.  She's telling us by her actions that she is just too unstable or too upset to handle it.  It was her choice to leave (or stand us up), so she gets what she wants.  And we can get back to celebrating.

I know it's hard, and also sad, as you mourn the lack of a "normal" relationship with your loved one.  But they are the ones responsible for their own emotions, not you.  I think you need to focus on enjoying your time with the rest of the family, and your sibling can decide whether to join in or not.  If she joins you but blows up, I'd say, let her have a time out.  If she doesn't remove herself voluntarily, then just leave the room.  There's no point in "engaging" with her in argument, because she won't listen to reason, because she just can't when she's riled up.  Have you heard of JADE?  JADE stands for justify, argue, defend and explain, and that's what you're not supposed to do when a pwBPD is having a meltdown.  Does that make sense?

[Pootlie]

It definitely does. I do understand that there is a lot that my sister cannot control. But does that mean our lives should be governed by her illness too? There are elements of her behaviour that I feel strongly she uses to manipulate and control.

She will be furious if we go away without her but I cannot do another week of what is essentially like carrying around a thunder cloud which storms at whim. It doesn't do anyone any good.

How helpful have other members found talking over the guilt factor with counsellors?