I'm no psychiatrist or psychologist. But I have a lifetime of experience with my uBPD mom. She's 88. I'm 62. I have a few thoughts which you can ponder, or discard. It's not advice. Just my perspective based on my experiences. Others may have other ideas.
The BPD manifesting got really intense this past week partly due to drinking, not taking her meds, and a big transition into retirement looming.
I think you already know the trigger for her recent behaviors. pwBPD don't have the emotional tools to deal with "change" or any kind of stress. Please remember that you can't "fix" her feelings, and most importantly it's not your job. If you try, she will probably just blow it up in your face. Have you heard of
"self-soothe?" I first heard of it when I joined this board and it was an eye opener. What? You mean it's not my job to make mom feel better? I couldn't wrap my head around that at first.
She's going to go through what she's going to go through. She's an adult, so just let her do and feel it her way, as long as everybody is safe. Her drinking sounds like self-medication. Has she done this before?
I have to admit the things she thinks and says make no sense and often are obvious attempts to manipulate. For example, she told me she had thought about serious self-harm and she was going to do it so she could tell everyone it was my dads fault (or to make us all feel like terrible people).
This is troubling. Yes it could be manipulation. Or it could be something more. What if you replied with something like:
Mom this is a troubling thing you are saying. I am sad to hear you saying these things.
Thinking about self harm is always serious. Have you thought about how you would self harm?
If she has thought about the "how", then I probably would call 911 for her, and a suicide hot line for me, and talk to a professional and share all this.
If she hasn't thought about the "how" and blows it off, then:
Mom saying these things is serious. If you repeat this again, I will have to call 911. Then be prepared to follow through.
I am struck by how in your first line you described your mom as "exceptional" and "endearing". Yet, stating she will commit suicide to blame it on your father or family is not very "endearing". I swear people with BPD can switch to an alternative personality when their emotion is triggered. They can say things like what your mom has done, or they can rage...and turn into an absolute monster. The Jekyll and Hyde syndrome. It's very confusing for the loved ones.
My mom is capable of saying "terrible things" in the heat of the moment when she is emotional. She has no filters. Afterwards (days weeks or months), she doesn't remember saying them. It's all over for her. Swept under the carpet. She won't talk about it. But the rest of us are damaged forever. She never acknowledges what she said - or apologizes for it.
Two T's ago, I was told to "call 911" if my mom made any suggestion of suicide.
It is probably prudent to call a suicide hot line now, and talk to an expert about this. She's testing you...kind of dangling a carrot to see how you respond. You don't want to respond in a way that will give her attention and make her repeat the behavior. You want to respond in an appropriate way. I don't know what is appropriate. But a suicide hot line can help.
It is easy to be frustrated with her because I don’t understand the things she thinks and says. She lies about everyone that loves her to outsiders.
Also not very endearing. I think pwBPD all lie. There are many kinds of lies. But sometimes, they say those things because their feelings are hurt. And their feelings mean some thought or experience is a fact to them, even when it isn't (in reality). So in a twisted kind of way they might believe what they are saying. Other times, they are just outright lies and they know it. Those lies have other motivations. Just know that you cannot JADE - justify, argue, defend or explain. This will
escalate their emotions. Instead there are other tools for "de-escalating their emotions - use SET, or validate their feelings (without agreeing with them). And then there's just straight up calling them on the lie, and saying "I'm not listening to this anymore" and then get up and leave.
The only my mom learns is by experiencing logical and natural consequences.
After reading some advice here, I’m starting to wonder how deep into her reality we have to try to descend to gently bring her back. My brother and I believe in sweet but honest love and boundaries. They seem to help in managing her behaviors towards us but I think she just lets it all out on my dad since she can’t do it to us.
Personally I will never chose to journey and descend into mom's reality. I'm not sure what that would teach her? That she
can take you down with her? No thanks. Sounds to me like a recipe for "more drama" but maybe I misunderstand. As for "taking it all out on your dad", how does your dad respond to her bad behaviors towards him? Does he take it? Or does he call her on it? My dad was a pretty level headed patient guy and put up with a lot of her nonsense, but when mom pushed too far, he let her know it. My memory as a child is that mom would "lay off" her rant when he got his stern voice and he said "that's enough _______(name)!"
If your dad "takes her behavior", defends her, takes her side etc., that's a different problem. I recommend the book "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life by Margalis Fjelstad. It might help you understand the dynamics in a relationship with a pwBPD, and realize this is for your dad to work out (if he wants to). You can't rescue him. He's a player in her game. This was a pivotal book for me. I and my H each read it this summer. Personally, I would categorize it as a "must read" for anyone in any kind of relationship with a pwBPD. My mom is my pwBPD and it was a very validating, educational, and helpful read. I am better equipped to move forward.
