Desperate for advice. First solo trip with BPD mom is going awful.

[silent child]

Hi everyone. This is my first post here which I have resorted to doing as I navigate my first trip alone with my BPD mother. For some context, I am in my early 20’s and always wanted to do a safari in Africa. I had a few weeks available that I could do it and she was the only person in my life who could also take 3 weeks and jet off to Africa. I paid ALL EXPENSES for both her and myself to do this beautiful once in a lifetime trip.

Well, we made it through 1 day without her erupting. And that 1 day was full of all the activities SHE picked out. I wanted to make sure she was happy so I did them all with her and paid for everything, no problem. The next morning (day 2) is where it all began. I woke up early to make sure her coffee was ready by the time she got to breakfast. She gets nasty with wait staff (which I really don’t appreciate) when she doesn’t have coffee within ONE minute of arrival. So I got to breakfast early to order everything she wanted. They were out of cream and I got her almond milk as a replacement…. This is where crap hit the fan.

She came out and with a blank stare goes “where is the creamer. Where is it” without even so much as acknowledging me, the coffee and spread I got her, nothing. This is pretty standard behavior for her so I looked past it. That’s when things when downhill. She freaked out on the staff, told them she was struggling severely, her day was ruined, she started going around to all the tables asking other tourists if they brought cream from home….? I’ll be honest, I was humiliated that all the other parents and families were so quiet and normal and that this is the family I’m traveling with, so I quietly left. I sat in the room to let her deescalate. I forfeited breakfast so that she would be comfortable.

About an hour later, our safari ride shows up. The tour guide starts telling us about the days plans and my mom erupts in tears. Here we go ….. she starts with “do you want me to just stay home?! Do you really hate being around me that much?? Should I just fly back home?!”. Once again, I froze and was humiliated. Everyone was staring and I didn’t know what to do. I said let’s just go to the safari car and have a nice day. She was having none of it. She erupted and freaked out for about 10 minutes. The tour guide was begging her to calm down, which naturally made it worse.

I apologized for making her upset (despite doing nothing to upset her and going out of my way ALL MORNING to make sure her every need was catered to). But the rest of the day she gave me silent treatment on a beautiful safari in an African national park. It consumed my whole day, when I should have been so thrilled on my dream vacation. That night when we got home I asked her what I can do to help and how we can make a plan that works for her. She told me “I’m just going to do my own thing. You obviously hate me and I obviously annoy you.” She didn’t want to hear anything I had to say. Nothing moved the needle. So the last few days she has completely ignored me and pretended I don’t exist. She sits in the back of our 5 row safari jeep with earplugs in and doesn’t speak to myself or the tour guide. I am apologizing for her everywhere we go. This beautiful dream vacation that I spent well over 20k to take her on with me has been consumed by her moods and misery.

I genuinely do not know what to do. I’m so desperate to enjoy this beautiful culture and place in Africa, but she is INSISTENT on ruining it. We have the same schedule because of the safari days. How can I help this situation? How can I enjoy my trip while she sulks in misery the whole time? Does anyone have any experience with this?

**as a side note, her BPD has really kicked up in recent years. I was away at college and my siblings live with my dad because of her BPD, so I didn’t realize she was still having episodes like this. I know I should have thought about this more and that’s my fault. But now we’re stuck here (for another 2 weeks) and I really need to make do with what I’ve got. So any advice is so SO greatly appreciated. Truly. Thank you!!!!

[Methuen]

Hi Silent Child.  I'm so sorry your mom is sabatoging your dream vacation of an African Safari.  It sounds like a humiliating nightmare for you, and you are trapped with her in a foreign country.

I know you think you are helping the situation by trying to "set the stage" for everything to be perfect RE: breakfast and creamers and all the rest of it to prevent your mom from creating a scene.  But in fact, I think your mom has probably learned that if she behaves badly, you will work harder to do more for her.  She gets you to run around and do a lot of fussing.  That is the situation with my mom.  The more I do for her, the worse she behaves.  So I had to learn to stop "doing".  It has taken years.

I can only tell you what I would do in your situation now.

I would sit down with her, and tell her that her complaints, nastiness with wait staff, and the way she is treating other people is unacceptable and needs to stop.  Now. You are not prepared to go through another day like that.  Keep the message short and simple.  Any more and she will start tearing you apart.  Quickly:

1) Ask her if she would like to fly home early if she's not enjoying herself, and you will carry on with the trip alone

OR

2) She can stop all that negativity, enjoy this holiday with you and make positive lifetime memories together that you can both remember happily forever.  Ask her: does she want to do that?

See where that goes.  She may snap out of it if she knows there is a consequence.

If she continues with her tyranny, personally I would forfeit the trip and fly home early (arrange separate flights?) so that you don't have to suffer another two weeks of her.

You can save your money up for a future trip, pick a better travel companion next time, and undo this very bad memory in the future.

Her behavior is unacceptable.

Others on this forum may have other ideas.

Also, if you did nothing to upset her, why are you apologizing? 

What is she learning from that?  Other than how to be a tyrant?

You are in fact telling her that she is right, and you are the one in the wrong when you apologize.  She has learned how to control and manipulate you.  And that is what is happening here.  It is a very large public display of power. 

She is treating everyone including you as her doormat.  I'm so so sorry.

You tried to do a beautiful thing and gift a dream vacation to your mom.  It was a kind, loving, and generous action. You probably thought it could bring you together and build a relationship.  But your mom doesn't appear ready for this. 

Keep posting here. When you get home, it is also good to seek professional counselling and talk about what happened.  Many of us on this forum have counsellors/therapists.  It really helps to have a professional shed light on these situations and relationships.  The forum is incredibly helpful as we are a community of people who share a common experience: having a person with BPD in our life.  So we share experiences and support each other.

BTW, BPD is a personality disorder.  In my experience, it lasts for life, and my mom's got worse as she aged.  It doesn't just "go away".

I know that's not what you want to hear.  It took me a long time to accept the mom I had, and stop wanting or expecting her to behave like a normal loving mom.  She isn't capable of that.

You are not alone.

So, would she like to fly home early, or would she like to start showing kindness and enjoy this trip together?  BUT, only if you are prepared to follow through on that.

I guess another option if she insists on staying but doesn't change her behavior, is that you fly home early without her.  That would send a message.

[justaperson41]

Hi again!

Firstly, I’m so sorry this is happening to you, you don’t deserve to be worrying on such an incredible trip.

The whole “do you want me to just stay home” "I'm ruining the trip" “I know you hate me” crying fit sounds exactly like my mother. Anytime she’s started the silent treatment and someone in the family tries to suggest doing something else or one of us looks at her the “wrong way” it’s the same routine. I don’t know if it’ll help to hear similar stories or just have a laugh at how relatable they are but on our last family trip my mum accidentally parked in the wrong spot at the tour site. The guides saw and (happily) directed us back towards the main car park. Safe to say she felt very humiliated/judged and started crying, refusing to join the tour no matter how much we tried to convince her, even though it was actually HER idea in the first place. The tour guide even tried to fit us into an alternate time slot to give her time to calm down but she wasn’t having any of it. She sulked around for at least two days after that as well which was lovely.

I hope you have an amazing time regardless of your mum's emotional state and try to block it out as much as you can, which I know is easier said than done. I know that you may not be comfortable with confronting her about her behaviour so my best advice would just be to try your best to focus on yourself and YOUR experience. Talk to other people on the tours, let yourself get caught up in the excitement, and let her be by herself as she said she wants (even let her stay back and go alone one day if you can?). Hopefully she realises what she’s doing and joins in again or just decides she wants you to stop ignoring her and re-joins to avoid that. After my mum had her moment at the tour site I gave up worrying about how she was feeling and just enjoyed the tour almost as if she wasn't there - just waited until she re-gained consciousness (I don't know if thats the right word for it?)

If it's still not working, I’d try to find some time to be away from her and her negativity. Things like getting up a little earlier for a quick pre-breakfast breakfast, finding somewhere outside to read/scroll social media in the evening, or even just putting in some headphones and watching a comfort movie or listening to music.

An African safari would be a dream, don’t let her take that away from you.

[Methuen]

my best advice would just be to try your best to focus on yourself and YOUR experience. Talk to other people on the tours, let yourself get caught up in the excitement, and let her be by herself as she said she wants (even let her stay back and go alone one day if you can?). Hopefully she realises what she’s doing and joins in again or just decides she wants you to stop ignoring her and re-joins to avoid that. After my mum had her moment at the tour site I gave up worrying about how she was feeling and just enjoyed the tour almost as if she wasn't there - just waited until she re-gained consciousness (I don't know if thats the right word for it?)

Awesome advice.  The key here is that JustaPerson stopped "caretaking" her mom, and focussed on enjoying herself and connecting with other people, giving her mom the opportunity to self-soothe and self-regulate.

You are young still and probably have more energy in your tank than my 62 year tank has left to give for this kind of behavior.  I just don't have it in me anymore to deal with the things your mom did. But I did until I was in my late 50's.  Then I "burned out". Badly.  So that's the place that my post was coming from yesterday (still burned out as I still have to deal with her).

If it's still not working, I’d try to find some time to be away from her and her negativity. Things like getting up a little earlier for a quick pre-breakfast breakfast, finding somewhere outside to read/scroll social media in the evening, or even just putting in some headphones and watching a comfort movie or listening to music.

Yes.  Give her "space".  Avoid her behaviors. Let her "self soothe".  Give her the opportunity to figure out "she wants you around her".

When I landed on this board (in distress) a few years ago, a wise member told me bluntly that it was not my job to look after my mother's feelings.  It took a very long time for me to fully comprehend the full meaning of that.  And then a longer time to change the way I did things to start letting mom look after her own feelings.  That was the hard part.

Hopefully she settles her own emotions in a few hours/days, brushes the whole thing under the carpet, pretends it never happened, and forgets about it.  That's how my mom deals with these episodes.

[Notwendy]

Wow a safari sounds like a dream trip! How generous of you.

I also am in Methuen's age range and we both have elderly mothers with BPD and I recall times where what was going on was wonderful and yet, BPD mother's moods seemed to take over the event. Graduations, family get togethers.

Also, I have tried to do many nice things for her but somehow they get twisted, sabotaged. I think in some way- she won't let me succeed at them. This gives her some kind of power or control of the situation.

I understand the "forgetting" about her episodes and the trying to renew a relationship with her as an adult. In my teens, BPD mother blamed me for the issues in the family and so, I assumed that once I left home for college, everything would be fine. Since I wasn't living at home, I didn't see what was going on. So I assumed she was doing better. I also didn't spend extended time with her like you have on this vacation. Our visits were shorter, and as a family, and with my father so I wasn't alone with her.

It was later, when Dad got ill and was in the hospital, and I went to stay with my parents to help out that I was alone in the house with her for an extended time and saw the extent of her behavior.

How do you enjoy the Safari? I don't know. It's hard to do this when you have invested so much in something that you hoped would be wonderful, but also I think it is a learning experience for you. I think we are wired to try to have a relationship with our mother as adults. I think we very much want to be seen as "good" in their eyes and have a good relationship. So we do try- and so see the results.

Events like this vacation- one would think this would be something good- somehow can't be appreciated as such. So graduations, family celebrations- get ruined, spoiled in a sense. But this isn't you, this is your mother. You didn't know this when you planned the trip- but now you do.

I had my own family at the time my father got ill. Still, I arranged for someone to come in for child care- and left my family to come stay with my parents to help out with Dad. I was glad to do it and wanted to do it and didn't expect to have attention for it- but I also didn't expect emotional and verbal abuse. I did what I could do but I needed to also be at home for my own family  and yet, they didn't seem concerned about that. I did what I could do but it didn't seem adequate. I do think there's some behavior on our part that reinforces BPD mother's behavior in that- the more they complain - the more we do for them to try to prove we are good. But the extent of my mother's behavior during this visit was over the top.

I still visited my parents after that visit, I still maintained contact with them. But I didn't stay with them. I learned that staying alone with BPD mother for an extended time is an emotionally unstable situation for her.  I still do some nice things for my BPD mother- but I have no expectations of how she will respond to them. I also don't have long extended visits with her.

The best "lesson" for someone's behavior is the natural consequences of it. You tried this, you see how your mother responds and behaves, and I think can be certain you will not try this with her again. I also think this isn't a loss or a mistake on your part- I think this is a part of how we learn about a relationship with our mothers as adults. I think we do have to try- so that we are able to then able to decide our boundaries and limits with them. It's hard to do, and it involves some sadness and grief. These are not "normal" relationships and yet, we try to make them that way- put our hopes and efforts into them- and now you see the results of that.

I can assure you that this Safari is something amazing and if your mother can't see this or appreciate it- that is entirely her issue. I hope you can find some enjoyment in it. If she wants to stay in her room- that's on her. You go have fun yourself. Go to breakfast without her- she can figure out where to get food if she's hungry. If she wants to leave, put her on a plane home. You aren't responsible for her feelings.

[Notwendy]

Here is one example.  I tried to do something nice for BPD mother and planned a family get together for her. This was after Covid and we hadn't seen her for a while. I planned a visit, contacted her relatives, had the food caterered. Right before the get together, she decided she was angry at me for something and told me she might not go. I was upset because I had made these plans and she had agreed to them.  I told her I was going to come by to pick her up and she could decide then if she wanted to get in the car or not. She did get in the car and go.

When I was getting ready to go back home, all she said to me was that she needed me to know how much my visit upset her. That was it. Nothing about the get together. I drove home in tears.

When I visit her- I won't plan an event where there's anything pre-paid- because I can't expect that she will actually attend. If I am there and she wants to eat, I can order out. If someone visits, we can order out. But I learned to not make plans ahead with her. Sometimes when we get disappointed, it's because we expected them to respond a certain way- to cooperate, or be happy about the plans. We can't control their feelings or behavior but we can change our expectations.

My best advice to you is that- now you know what happens when you plan a trip with your mother. You can still visit her, do some things with her- but more in the moment- decide to take her to lunch, or the movies. If she acts up - then you haven't done so much that you are disappointed.

For me, it's the same with gifts for my BPD mother. I have no idea how she will react to a gift. If I send one- it's still thoughtful but I also know there's a possibility she will throw it out so I don't invest too much for it. Mostly, I send her flowers- she may like them, she might throw them out. I don't know.