Is this BPD or something even worse?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Somebody, please tell me something that will make sense of this... .I am totally lost... .don't hold back... .even if its going to hurt... .

FOUR YEARS AGO

My BPD is a surgical nurse working for a private Orthopedic surgeon.  Three (3) months into our relationship, she invited me to the Christmas party of the medical practice.  60 people, office staff, and maybe 6-10 MDs.  We are sitting at the head table with the surgeon she works with every day, his wife, and another senior partner.

My BPD gets up after dinner, asks the disc jockey for a microphone and goes center to the dance floor.   There she spends 3-4 minutes telling a totally silent and captivated audience about how she has finally found the man of her dreams... .that she didn't date much... .but now this man... .(me)... .this man was everything she ever wanted and more... .a wonderful heart... .handsome... .a contributor to the community... .a man that can touch a women's heart and soul... .etc. etc.

The rooms was alive with "awes" as the girls swooned at the romance of it all.   It was the single most emotional experience of my life.  Overwhelming... .a bit embarrassing... .emotional... .bigger than life... .bigger than any love I had known... .


FAST FORWARD

When she had her first indiscretion in the relationship ,4 months later, I looked back to "the evening" (and a few other "over the top" emotional things) ... .and forgive her.  "Sure she did something I would never tolerate , but there had to be mitigating circumstances"  I said to myself.  "This women... .this relationship... .this is different".

Understand, I hung onto this relationship for 4 years.   At the end of any bad day/event... .I would remind myself... .this was the most important relationship of her life... .my most important relationship too.  She echoed/reinforced this thought often, too.


THE PAINFUL REALITY

I've just learned that at the time of the Christmas party... .my BPD was or had recently ended an affair with the surgeon... .  She was having an affair with this father of 3, married to a dedicated pediatrician wife... .

Simply - my single defining moment was about something much different than I knew...

Was she "showing him" for breaking it off with her... .

Was to satisfy his wife (that the affair didn't happen) or to hook me... .or both?

My God... .

Who can be so careless with another human beings heart to do this type of thing?

How could she let me sit (and her self) at the table with her lover / ex-lover, the wife... .

How could she maintain the charade with me for 4 years (2 of which she worked for the guy)... .   

Don't misread me... .I'm not unrealistic.   I certainly understood she had a life before me... .and I never encouraged her to pretend not.

If she had an affair, it would be something I could accept if she learned from it.  If she didn't want to tell me, I even respect that... .

But be discrete... .don't take me to the party, sit me at the  table... .

... .and for gods sake, don't create a once in a lifetime emotional and highly personal moment in front of this audience... .this way.

I forgave her/rationalized/swallowed my best lifelong judgement because I believed in "the evening" (and the other supporting events.)

I feel like I have been emotionally raped.  I am dead inside.  I can't hardly  breathe.   I've never felt so violated in my life.

[Skippy]

Somebody, please tell me something that will make sense of this... .I am totally lost... .don't hold back... .even if its going to hurt... .

FOUR YEARS AGO

My BPD is a surgical nurse working for a private Orthopedic surgeon.  Three (3) months into our relationship, she invited me to the Christmas party of the medical practice.  60 people, office staff, and maybe 6-10 MDs.  We are sitting at the head table with the surgeon she works with every day, his wife, and another senior partner.

My BPD gets up after dinner, asks the disc jockey for a microphone and goes center to the dance floor.   There she spends 3-4 minutes telling a totally silent and captivated audience about how she has finally found the man of her dreams... .that she didn't date much... .but now this man... .(me)... .this man was everything she ever wanted and more... .a wonderful heart... .handsome... .a contributor to the community... .a man that can touch a women's heart and soul... .etc. etc.

The rooms was alive with "awes" as the girls swooned at the romance of it all.   It was the single most emotional experience of my life.  Overwhelming... .a bit embarrassing... .emotional... .bigger than life... .bigger than any love I had known... .


FAST FORWARD

When she had her first indiscretion in the relationship ,4 months later, I looked back to "the evening" (and a few other "over the top" emotional things) ... .and forgive her.  "Sure she did something I would never tolerate , but there had to be mitigating circumstances"  I said to myself.  "This women... .this relationship... .this is different".

Understand, I hung onto this relationship for 4 years.   At the end of any bad day/event... .I would remind myself... .this was the most important relationship of her life... .my most important relationship too.  She echoed/reinforced this thought often, too.


THE PAINFUL REALITY

I've just learned that at the time of the Christmas party... .my BPD was or had recently ended an affair with the surgeon... .  She was having an affair with this father of 3, married to a dedicated pediatrician wife... .

Simply - my single defining moment was about something much different than I knew...

Was she "showing him" for breaking it off with her... .

Was to satisfy his wife (that the affair didn't happen) or to hook me... .or both?

My God... .

Who can be so careless with another human beings heart to do this type of thing?

How could she let me sit (and her self) at the table with her lover / ex-lover, the wife... .

How could she maintain the charade with me for 4 years (2 of which she worked for the guy)... .   

Don't misread me... .I'm not unrealistic.   I certainly understood she had a life before me... .and I never encouraged her to pretend not.

If she had an affair, it would be something I could accept if she learned from it.  If she didn't want to tell me, I even respect that... .

But be discrete... .don't take me to the party, sit me at the  table... .

... .and for gods sake, don't create a once in a lifetime emotional and highly personal moment in front of this audience... .this way.

I forgave her/rationalized/swallowed my best lifelong judgement because I believed in "the evening" (and the other supporting events.)

I feel like I have been emotionally raped.  I am dead inside.  I can't hardly  breathe.   I've never felt so violated in my life.

[garyw]

That really stinks and I understand how you must feel... .basically you were used.

the one thing I would reword in your post would be this:

We were the center of the entire party.

Actually it was just her that was the center.

It was all about her.

Was she "showing him" for breaking it off with her... .

Were they in it together to satisfy his wife (that the affair didn't happen) or to hook me... .or both?

Who can be so careless with another human beings heart to do this type of thing?

How could she let me sit (and her self) at the table with her lover / ex-lover, the wife... .

How could she maintain the charade with me for 4 years (2 of which she worked for the guy)... .   

In many cases it just simply a matter of survival... .theirs.

She in her own twisted way created (a self )again in front of a whole crowd being the last (self) no longer existed.

Again, it wasn't about you.  She simply gave birth to her new self right on the dance floor and you were the proof of it.

If ya can. Try not to figure all the stuff out.It's twisted and won't make a lot of sense unless your good at thinking in reverse.

[zenguy]

Wow, Gary hit it all for sure.

The thing is you must realize that none of what she said to, about, or without you, had nothing much to do with you. You were simply a supply, you moved your boundaries to accommodate her life style, look at your post!

First cheating was bad, and then it was OK as long as she learned something (I hope it was good stuff  /:)… just kidding), then it was OK as long as it wasnt in the New York Times, but the Post is OK?

Right, dont even try to understand it, it is not real or coherent, it is  shapes in a mist.

Be glad its over, work on your self, what YOU have learned, and how you can help YOURSELF, and the rest of your life will fall into place, probably… 

Dr. Ric

[brucey]

My ex did the same thing.  We were at her sister's and she was telling her family and in particular her cousin whom she hadn't seen in a year that, "I never believed in soulmates until I met Bruce," etc.  She really built me up.  I later found out that she had been seducing men at work. She was fired four days after telling everyone that I was her true love and soulmate.  A week later she left me for one of the men she had seduced at work and been fired for.

It makes no sense.  Well, except for one.  They are role-playing to get supply.  It is all about attention.  They used us, Skip, for their own needs.  They want everyone to look at them (even including themselves!) and see how romantic and wonderful their lives are.  It is all about spectacle and being attended to, adored, admired, and envied. 

[sillyputte]

Well for me my ex (first time around) was telling everyone how much she was in love and how I was the perfect g/f for her.  Fast forward a few months and she is out of town on business visiting with her ex not having told me.

Forgiveness prevailed (like others here) although I still had no idea about the ex visit, and we are back together, only to have her spying another woman yet again and breaking it off while I was on a holiday (planned far in advance of our getting together).

Forgiveness and self-re-engaging time again and we are back together but this time she is hitting on one of my friends (seeing her and giving out backrubs) while I am away on a business trip.

Does it sound like BPD?  I don't really care at this point, and nor should you really... .it is simply bad behaviour.  They do tend to find supply where they can get it, and trust me that this is not anger talking, it is acceptance.

I was the biggest denier of what was happening and if you check back on my old posts you will find I defended her saying she would not cheat on me and had not.

Eyes were opened some time ago, and I say this only to get you to stop trying to label this and simply accept it for what it is (bad).

[Skippy]

Gary, Zen, Bruce, Silly... .

Thanks for reading my "book".  I know it's a labor to go through something as long as this.  Thoughtful responses, as always.

We talk here everyday about manipulation, and other bad behaviour... .Gary, Bruce, I guess I never appreciated the depth of her disregard for me as a human being.  We all encounter people every day that blindly put there trust in us... .these are the people most of us treat more carefully.

I hear you my friends.   I have called a therapist.  I will go for some self assessment and regrounding. 

And Silly... .I do think I am progressing; but your comment is dead right, and I need to stop licking my wounds.  Thanks for saying it so kindly.  Yes, my eyes were opened, but I have to admit, I still had belief that some where, under the mess, was a person; that the relationship, though failed, had some beauty and purpose.   None of that seems possible now.   

Dr. Zenguy, yes, I need to focus on recalibrating my compass or I will be lost forever.

[sillyputte]

I still had belief that some where, under the mess, was a person; that the relationship, though failed, had some beauty and purpose.   None of that seems possible now.

There is a person under the mess actually and no one is asking you to forget that or stop believing it.  The problem we often have as non's is accepting the good and minimizing the bad.  The person that exists is a whole person (albeit perhaps empty and looking for something they lacked growing up) but that person entails the good and the bad.  When you can objectively weigh these two (and stop minimizing the bad or denying their words when they hurt) you will see the total package and will be better able to make a decision for yourself.

For me, and perhaps because I am further along in the process the relationship did have beauty and purpose.  The beauty was that I loved, and learned what those emotions entailed (although hurtful it was beautiful).  The purpose for me was to get myself in counselling and see why I stayed for as long as I did and put up with what I did.  The purpose was to make me a stronger person for having the experience.

I am not trying to glorify the relationship, it was anything but when weighed in its entirety, but I am trying to say that there was beauty and purpose and someday you too will find that.

Feel the pain you feel now, but try not to get stuck there.  It does get better but let the anger and disappointment flow through you.  Trust me when I say you will come out of this a better person for having gone through it as cliché as that may sound.

[Skippy]

  When you can objectively weigh these two... .you will see the total package... .

The beauty was that I loved, and learned what those emotions entailed (although hurtful it was beautiful).

The purpose for me was to get myself in counselling and see why I stayed for as long as I did and put up with what I did.  The purpose was to make me a stronger person for having the experience.

You are right.  The beauty was that I loved, and learned what those emotions entailed

[garyw]

Hi again Skip

Just to give you a quick example of how the world revolves around them.

Today is my birthday and I got a call from my xbpgf inviting me out for a late lunch.

This is no longer a problem for me because I simply hold no love anymore for her and the addiction I had for not just her maybe but a relationship with those dynamics.

anyway just giving a short explaination why it seems I brake advice givin here on no contact and such... .its just not an issue anymore... .but back to my point.

Not once during lunch did she address me with anything about me. All conversations revolved around what she does or has been doing.

I really don't even think she realizes it. If I told her she would probably deny it or just not remember. Its just her way of life... .it's how she lives and survives everyday.

Oh her bf was there as well and the same goes with him also... .she never asked or refered to maybe what his day may have been like... .nada... .just natural... .it's just BPD.

[mark]

gary --

i'm amazed that you could sit down for lunch with her and her bf and be cool with it.  you must have a lot of forgiveness in you.  I felt like that fourth line down -- about "an addiction i had... .for a relationship... .with those dynamics" -- was really important, but there's a typo or something, so i wonder if you could explain it some more?

happy birthday!

mark

[garyw]

actually it's so simple that it escapes us.

as long as we even feel we are in love with them weather it be healthy or unhealthy... .dosen't matter... .it will hurt.

One day eventuallu after enough time goes by without... .ya just fall out of love with them... .then they just become just another person walking down the street.

if I have mispelled anything I usually spell right ... .its because I just got home from my birthday