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Author Topic: BEHAVIORS: Splitting: Painted black  (Read 6474 times)
whiletheseasonspass
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« on: May 11, 2009, 06:05:07 PM »

If I am reading it correctly- on this forum splitting refers to cutting one out of one's life?  I thought splitting was pitting one person against another- like a child does with parents for instance. 

Could someone please explain what the latter is called if splitting is the former?

Thanks
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GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT

This board is intended for general questions about BPD and other personality disorders, trait definitions, and related therapies and diagnostics. Topics should be formatted as a question.

Please do not host topics related to the specific pwBPD in your life - those discussions should be hosted on an appropraite [L1] - [L4] board.

You will find indepth information provided by our senior members in our workshop board discussions (click here).

arjay
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« Reply #1 on: May 11, 2009, 06:13:44 PM »

"Splitting" as used in the context of BPD, refers to seeing things as split between all good or all bad...

BPDs generally cannot regulate their emotions, so by definition see people in extremes.  They "split" someone into being either one or the other.  It is a defense mechanism used to deal with their own unresolved feelings and emotions.

Peace
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SailMonkey
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« Reply #2 on: May 11, 2009, 08:00:52 PM »

One thing I've learned as a child of this disorder.  I keep having to overcome my own disordered thoughts.  I grew up participating in the irrational games my father played.  Back then I had to participate to survive.  Now, I have to work against my old habits of thought to get a little perspective.

I'm sure it's the same for people who have been in other kinds of relationships with such disordered people.
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"The perfect is the enemy of the good"  -- Voltaire
whiletheseasonspass
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« Reply #3 on: May 12, 2009, 01:37:14 PM »

Skip ,

That is a superb workshop - your link sent me to.  It helped me greatly- not just to better understand splitting but to relieve me of some of the horror I feel from the behavior of my BPD D.  I am a firm believer is "knowledge is power." ...and this was a great workshop and I Bookmarked it...and took notes as well.  I know I will re-read that a few more times until I fully understand why it relieved me of some of the angst I have felt.  AND also when I get the angst back..  There are so many components to understand if you have a BP in your life...especially if it is an adult child (not to diminish whether it is a spouse or signif. other or parent, etc.) ...And besides the many components there are so many emotions ripe to come out when you get knocked off your guard by an unexpected - way off the wall "accusation" or comment. 

Thank you

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Kellyanng

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« Reply #4 on: November 05, 2009, 01:53:11 AM »

I am new to BPD and was wondering if someone could tell me what does it mean when the BP paints you black or white? Is it how they see you good or bad at the time?
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eeyore
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« Reply #5 on: November 05, 2009, 03:51:10 AM »

Being painted black or white are what happens when something called splitting occurs.   Here are some links:


Workshop - BPD BEHAVIORS: Splitting

Splitting / Protecting yourself While Divorcing a Borderline or a Narcissist
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Matt
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« Reply #6 on: November 05, 2009, 03:58:48 AM »

It may be "at the time" as you say, or it may be long-term.

My ex has four kids - my son (11), my daughter (13), my stepdaughter (20) and my stepson (32).  She has always treated both girls as all-good;  that is, "painted them white".  My stepson she "painted black" starting at a young age, and it affected him dramatically.  When we first got together, of course she treated me as all-good;  nothing I did was wrong, and that was very cool!  But after she "forgot" birth control and got pregnant with my daughter, then she changed and treated me as all-bad, knowing that I wouldn't leave because of the baby.

Only the youngest hasn't really been split yet;  he's ornery but a great kid, and I've expected her to paint him black, but it hasn't happened yet, maybe because she's afraid I would get sole custody if she did that.

Just an example - with my ex it's consistent, but with some BPD sufferers it changes from time to time.
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Kellyanng

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« Reply #7 on: November 05, 2009, 01:15:32 PM »

Thank you for the info.

It is so true. I never could understand why my bp boyfriend was so close with my younger son he could never do any wrong and everything my other son did was always wrong or he had an issue with it. Also with his brother and I he would do the same thing he hated his brother and the things he would do and when he was mad at me his brother was the greatest and I was the bad guy.

It makes so much sense now.
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dados76
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« Reply #8 on: November 09, 2009, 01:48:53 AM »

pretty much anything can be painted black or white too.. if the trailer for a movie plays a song he doesnt like.. that movie is painted black.. wont see it.. my partner does that a lot.. with lots of things..
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JGirl2
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« Reply #9 on: November 09, 2009, 12:00:15 PM »

With my ex it was when ever we had any kind of disagreement the first thing out of my ex's mouth would be "I hate you!"  That was his first reaction.  It was so hurtful and disturbing.    I would then say something about that and he would totally deny ever saying it.  That was even more disturbing.

I often got the "I love you" - "I hate you" extremes.

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unknown
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« Reply #10 on: November 17, 2009, 06:11:12 PM »

if a BPD person splits you black long term, i know they dont see any good qualities about you or remember them. but over time, will ceratin triggers set them off to start remembering good things about you and they slowly split you back to white? or when they start getting angry at there new boyfriend for not fufilling there expecations, do they start to remember the good about you?
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GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT

This board is intended for general questions about BPD and other personality disorders, trait definitions, and related therapies and diagnostics. Topics should be formatted as a question.

Please do not host topics related to the specific pwBPD in your life - those discussions should be hosted on an appropraite [L1] - [L4] board.

You will find indepth information provided by our senior members in our workshop board discussions (click here).

Mara Obrian

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« Reply #11 on: November 20, 2009, 02:26:28 PM »

I thought my BPD and I were perfect for each other. We were "in love". He made me so happy. It was only after his suicide I found out somthing different.

I was hoping to find comfort in talking with his closest friends & sister. His mother was too upset to talk at all.

During the conversations I had, with these people, (there was only one with each of them and you will see why)

He had been telling them what a terrible person I was. Painting me black, you might say.

I was cheating him doing all sorts of terrible things, causing him pain.

I was in shock. I thought everything was ok with us. Talk about mixed feelings.

I had gone from being on top of the world to utter destruction.

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unknown
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« Reply #12 on: November 23, 2009, 10:17:58 AM »

can splitting black be permanent? i dont see how its possible to hate somebody forever. espically after being so close with somebody.
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hotbath
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« Reply #13 on: November 23, 2009, 11:54:32 AM »

Mara

That is awful, one of the most striking posts I've read in the 12 months or so I've been on here.  You are in my thoughts.
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JGirl2
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« Reply #14 on: November 23, 2009, 12:07:13 PM »

I'm so sorry Mara!

You are so in my thoughts.. 
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Coolfry77

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« Reply #15 on: October 16, 2013, 07:24:23 AM »

can splitting black be permanent? i dont see how its possible to hate somebody forever. espically after being so close with somebody.

I'm trying to find the answer to this question myself. Having been so close to someone for them to paint you black and say they hate you really does hurt. Does being split black ever go back to white?
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GreenMango
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« Reply #16 on: October 24, 2013, 09:15:21 PM »

Coolfry77

Some members experience cycles of splitting with their BPD loved one, and some experience a single last splitting episode to never hear from the person again.  From reading around the boards you may notice some of this cycling is dependent on the severity of the trigger, coping skills of the person with BPD, and opportunity/availability of the non-BPD person to being receptive - and whatever else is going on in the person's life.

Sometimes the "hate" can turn to "love" again.  It just depends on the situation.  Maybe post a little of situation on the relationship board that best fits your situation and the feedback from members can help to answer this question a little more.

Smiling (click to insert in post)
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