What if the pw/ BPD recovered tomorrow?

[msrose]

I think if a child was to recover it would be wonderful for the parents.  But I'm not so sure about a parent. Where we feel we owe and may have let our children down, we are willing to work at improving the relationship.  But when a parent, whom we depended on for everything that makes your life worth living, like courage and self-esteem, lets us down it's more of a betrayal and very hard to forgive and forget.

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[maimat]

I would thank god.

for her to feel  contentment and occasional joy

For her to have friendships that she would desperately love to have and the confidence to speak to people and feel that she is liked by most

For her to have a huge reduction in her anxiety levels so life would feel more liveable. 

For me it would mean peace and less quilt

For our family it would be peace and a reestablishment of a relationship with her father and brother. 

It would be the desire to have her in the home and not the dread

Laughter

I would feel less responsibility and not have to constantly think about validating and boundaries.   I could just talk and do.

I could share with others stories of a normal 20 year old instead of having to keep this awful tale to myself

That she could care and raise a child lovingly

She would feel the desire to be independent from us and not this constant attachment to us.

Less tears

to know that this vicious circle would end and she could live in some peace and joy

thanks for the opportunity to envision

[jangela]

I would at least be willing to start dialogue.

But instantly getting back to a "normal" relationship isn't realistic. My mother would still have a lot to answer for, and it's not as though we can erase the past and start with a clean slate.

A lot of my own mental issues and problems I've experienced as an adult are a result of her behavior toward me as a child. Several times I've heard from her how we held her back, how we were a burden to her. Even after my dad divorced her she told one of my brothers that the reason she wanted a divorce was to get away from us kids. While we were growing up she was only around in a limited capacity, and when we visited her she always had some kind of chores of a project to do, and that seemed to be the only purpose she wanted to see us. I'm convinced to this day that she never wanted to be a mother until the hard part was over.

This was her attitude while giving us the big guilt trips about how we owed her since she went through the trouble of giving birth to us. Of course there's no guilt about the emotional and physical abuse she inflicted upon us and our father, or about the constant lies and manipulation she still attempts upon us now.

She'd have to make some serious amends for the wrong she's done.

[Rich]

Randi,

No way Jose.  If she recovered tomorrow. I would rather take a bullet!  I have grown so much as a man during this marriage and separation and divorce.  I deserve much better than someone who hates herself.  No more being a caretaker!  I am going to take care of my daughter, (age 12) and maybe someday think about a partner/mate. She will burn in hell next to her father who abused her.  She has a responsibility to get over it, and she won't do it.

However,


I would enjoy the opportunity to meet you one day and give you a hug!

Rich

[JMR]

My immediate, off-the-cuff reaction is that I would feel cheated somehow, or maybe not interested in the person.  Not, I think,  because I want someone sick, but because I wanted to share the gradual experience of change, and to change myself in the process.  A suddenly recovered person would not be the same person, and in some ways no different from anyone else I might meet.  I'd have to get to know her all over, and see if I liked her, and even then I wouldn't necessarily have the same experience of shared self-discovery. I had an idea of how the relationship would progress, and overnight recovery was not part of that idea.

[bewildered2]

On second thought, if she really recovered tomorrow I'd like to meet her and see if we could make it work.

That is, if she Really recovered.

B2

[JustDan]

Randi,

In your book you mentioned that IF the BPD in your life would take responsibility for her problem, most nons would take them back.  I'd probably be one of them.  That is a really big IF, though.  so I think I'm on the right path out of Oz.

The reason for this phenomena is that relationships, any relationships, get STRONGER after working through adversity, no matter what it is.  Anyone that has lived with a BPD knows adversity, of that there is no doubt.  When there was an honest recovery/healing between the rages, what you might call re-engaging, I got stronger, could put up with more, (which she no doubt took advantage of).  Setting boundries and sticking to them, getting out of the isolation, and having her in my life again.  She does have her good points... .somewhere.

As I said... .a BIG 'IF'. 

What color are the clouds in your sky?

Thank you for the book and this site,

Dan

[Steve G.]

If this is out of line tell me.  I would eat a live 5-pound frog if it would cure my wife's BPD.  Serious.  She might leave me because she then would realize I'm not such a good catch after all, but at least the rages would be gone.  She might become just another nice friend I have, which isn't so very bad.  I'll take friend over rages any day.

[Numbnut]

I am sad to say that I would take her back in a heartbeat. Take the BPD out of the BPD and she would be the woman of my dreams.  The interesting question is what will there be after the BPD is gone.  Will she be that dream girl without it?  I still can't even get my mind around the fact that all of the behaviors are the result of an illness and not the person.  But I love her still (three months separated after living together for 2.5 years).

[jmar]

I was thinking--what would you do if your BP recovered tomorrow (even if they think they don't think they need to).

I would be happier than a pig in sh@@t!  Seriously, it would perhaps be the greatest miracle to occur in my life.  I would get on in life with my wife.  We would do things much as normal couple do, travel, just simply have fun and enjoy all the things that we have never been able to to - very much in part due to her BPD and associated "issues".  Forgiving the past would be quite easy - it is, after all, an illness.  She did not choose to become this way any more than someone who gets a physical ailment.  We have no children (and its a bit late in our lives to start) , but quite frankly my wife would get a lot more attention from me than in the past.  I think of all the times I have gone running (literally and figuratively) just to get out of the house and some breathing room - these times would go away.  Perhaps I might be able to get some breathing room for myself as well, and be allowed to grow as myself - not for what is expected of me.  Its great to wonder "what if" ... .but now its back to reality and what is.

[Chris]

Hi Randy,

I moved out about seven weeks ago. If she were to recover, fully and totally, I would want to go back. I would have to continue working on myself though. It would be short-sighted to blame everything that occurred on her behaviour and I would not stop seeing my therapist for work on my boundaries and how I take responsibility for other people's emotions.

I have learned where I need to work on myself and if I can continue to do so, then I would go back. Whether that would be a wise decision I cannot say. But we do have a 20 month old toddler, a house together and when her behaviour has been less BPD we have had wonderful times.


Chris

[Serenity.]

My life was a living hell. There was NO peace 2 months after we moved in together. If he would recover from whatever mental illness this truly is, the damage is done. The suicidal threats and threatening to kill me crapped our honeymoon stage. You can't really get that back or the other moments he turned to sh!t. We were both married once before and I've heard comments about his alcohol consumption ruining his life and he managed to destroy this one too because of it. He has betrayed me countless times. Never seemed to stick up for me. It was all about him and his feelings. After you separate you get to deal with your own bitterness and anger towards them and the loss of the person you thought them to be. If he could be cured tomorrow, I would have had the greatest love of my life but unfortunately he is a very damaged man.

But hypothetically speaking: If our BPD's recovered tomorrow we could have one big wedding blowout! If they were the person we thought they were when we first met them half of us wouldn't be separated or divorced. It was over before it began. I choose being happy over being someones 24/7 caregiver. There was no HAPPY, just crappy. I had to get out of the quicksand before I sank.

There is highly NO chance for recovery. They can't even have a good, normal conversation. How unhealthy for a normal mind to struggle with them and their issues. Recovery would mean forgiving them and 'I' am not recovered enough to do that.

[Chris]

Broken,

hear hear!

Chris

[spamlady]

I am still able to see a good person in my BPDh. If it were not for the disorder, he would be a great husband. We've been married for 22 years, but he is extremely difficult to live with, exhibiting some level of all 9 BPD criteria.

If he recovered tomorrow:

He would not have abandonment issues and all they entail.

He would be able to develop stable relationships that don't involve splitting.

He would have an improved sense of who he is and who he wants to be.

He would be less impulsive in terms of finance and sex.

He would be less inclined toward suicidal thoughts.

He would be less anxious and irritable.

He would have an opportunity to feel self-fulfillment.

He would no longer have inappropriate anger and rages.

He would no longer suffer from paranoia and misplaced jealousy.

Gee... .this sounds like the kind of man I could spend the rest of my life with.

Too bad that he has no insight into his problem.

spam

[Serenity.]

I am still able to see a good person in my BPDh. If it were not for the disorder, he would be a great husband. We've been married for 22 years, but he is extremely difficult to live with, exhibiting some level of all 9 BPD criteria.

If he recovered tomorrow:

He would not have abandonment issues and all they entail.

He would be able to develop stable relationships that don't involve splitting.

He would have an improved sense of who he is and who he wants to be.

He would be less impulsive in terms of finance and sex.

He would be less inclined toward suicidal thoughts.

He would be less anxious and irritable.

He would have an opportunity to feel self-fulfillment.

He would no longer have inappropriate anger and rages.

He would no longer suffer from paranoia and misplaced jealousy.

Gee... .this sounds like the kind of man I could spend the rest of my life with.

Too bad that he has no insight into his problem.

spam

Spam, good insight into the turmoil. No wonder I'm exhausted! I never looked at the flip side of the illness and all its terrible components. The worst part is they DON'T SEE IT and if they do, it's still somehow made to be your fault. It's such a shame that mine admits he knows somethings wrong with him but still projects that I'm the one with the problem. The sad part is reading your list and realizing there are guys out there without these issues... .I was married before and he didn't have any of these issues... .he was a workaholic but the relationship was fairly good for the first 5 years before work was more important than family. Calm, not too many arguments, easy to talk to. A relationship with a BPD is like sacrificing your inner self and everything you are. It's hard to comprehend how complicated things really are until I read a post as yours Spam. To wait around for him to be one day 'cured' seems humorous to me in a not so funny way. Where the hell do you begin since he's been this way 'forever'. How come I feel so 'drained' even after being separated for 7 months. My ex told me last week it feels like I abandoned him. That word just was another to add to the BPD sayings pot. I can make one crazy stew. They really take the life and happiness out of you even from a distance. I hate this illness and what it took from me.

In 3 years of knowing him, not once has he took me to look at a sunset or simple pleasures in life. Everything is just depression and hell, how I criticized him or about wanting to die.

If he recovered tomorrow and realized life was good, I would go home in a heartbeat. But it's too much of a struggle for him. He is in constant conflict with himself to see the light at the end of the tunnel. What a waste of energy and love.

[tilldeth]

recovered tomorrow:  well then she would be the woman i would want to spend the rest of my life with however i think that this question should be "what if you and your bp recoverd tomorrow" the reason for this is after reading on here and swoe i have figured out that i am a 5-10 240lbs broken down man with the self confidence of a 14yo right now.  I need to work on me no matter what.  I love my wife and yern to spend time with HER not her evil twins(yes there are multiaple).  I love her so much its astounding eaven to me but my beleif still enlies in the vows i took and i am trying to deal with how to live on my own and raise two kids on my own after she leaves.  If she leaves

[Pinnacle]

If he recovered none of us would know how to relate to him. We are used to avoiding certain subjects, wondering what he's up to, working around his issues that we would be out of balance. He has done fairly well for the past few weeks and since I'm not used to him being nice, I really don't know how to accept his kindness graciously. I keep wondering why he is acting nice... .what's coming. Isn't that sad? If his healing does continue, we will have to re-train our responses and thoughts in relating to him. I would have to let him back into my heart again, leave myself open and vulnerable again and I don't know if my mind will let me do that. I'm kind of un-attached right now - I feel like a bit player in a movie while he is seeing a T and trying to get better. I'm not at the point where I can let my defenses down.

Puddin

[Now-I-know-Y]

Randi,

I may not be the best to speak to this issue ... .because in retrospect ... .my experience is not as long lasting as others on bpdfamily.  I was only with her for a year ... .I fell madly for her ... .we got engaged ... .moved in together  ... .and I got out after to many fights and rages ... .begged her to go to counseling with me ... .to no avail.  Anyway ... .I do not have years and years of pain in OZ.  But enough ... .and researched enough to feel bad for her ... .and forgive what happened in the past. 

If she were cured tomorrow ... .I would probably hug her ... .congratulate her on her achievement ... .

And then make very intimate, slow, passionate love to her ... .to show what she has missed ... .and that sex is not to control or manipulate someone ... .but a very intimate sharing connection between two people.

[Tammy728]

Randi, my husband went through recovery a few years ago.  We now communicate differently.  We interact differently.  We argue differently.  We love differently. We play differently. 

Would I do the things I put off?  I rarely put off what I wanted to do even before he went into recovery.  The difference now, though,is that he no longer has a "hizzy fit" about it.

How would relationships with family change?  This changed A LOT. I used to lean heavily on my family of origin, on my friends, and on our daughter. They held me up during the tough times. I know it irritated my husband that I sometimes put everyone else before him.  I did it because I knew I could count on everyone BUT him.  Everyone else's behavior (unlike his) was predictable.   He wasn't a pleasant person to be in the same room with, the same car with, or the same universe with.

Now that my he has recovered, the relationship dynamic has shifted... .a lot!  I love our daughter and admire her commitment to getting her counseling license.  BUT, if I am in a position to go somewhere with her (she moved away from home 4 1/2 years ago) or with my hubby, I choose my hubby 9 times out of 10.   This is a big adjustment for our daughter. We used to be "friends", and now we are becoming what we should be . . . mother and daughter.  And I still see friends quite often, but I no longer crave the interaction with them like I used to.  I used to spend hours on the phone talking with friends, but I no longer pick up the phone to call them.  In fact, about the only person I interact with by phone anymore is an "old" Nook friend.  :-*   

Would other family members get more attention? No, now my husband gets most of my attention because I now enjoy his company.

He used to tell me (before recovery) that I cared about everyone else more than him.  Although I denied it, my actions probably spoke louder than words.  Now, since his recovery, we both KNOW he ranks at the top of my list... .and he works hard to stay there. 

[willowtree007]

Randi,

"What if" questions about the impossible are fantastical. If my BPD recovered tomorrow, I simply wouldn't trust it. I have experienced too many black to white overnight changes. I hope you don't waste ink on this topic.

A more valid question to ask us NONS is "What would you do if, tomorrow, your BPD recognized that they had BPD symptoms (or even that things were vaguely amiss in their thinking and responses) and they wanted to do whatever it took for recovery."

If you start a new thread (hopefully in all forums) with that question, I would love to think and write about it.

With gratitude and fondness,

Wil

[Serenity.]

Randi,

"What if" questions about the impossible are fantastical.

A more valid question to ask us NONS is "What would you do if, tomorrow, your BPD recognized that they had BPD symptoms (or even that things were vaguely amiss in their thinking and responses) and they wanted to do whatever it took for recovery."

I agree and think that their would be a lot less failed relationships if the BPD's took responsibility and figured this one out.

[yoo]

Both horrible and wonderful moments shared with a BPD are characterized by their intensity.

Recovering from BPD means loosing intense bad moments as well as loosing intense wonderful ones... .

Thus, and to be honnest, I don't think that I could share my life with my ex, without these very intense moments... .Intensity characterized our relationship.

However, I've learned from the suffering associated with the back and forth between the all-good, all-bad, that such intensities are unhealthy, no matter the side of the scale... .

I hope that next time, life will be more quiet.

But this will be with another person.

[spouseofbp]

I would think it was just another re-engagement.  I would pinch myself everyday that her splitting was delayed.  I would be watching for the split, just around the corner - maybe with a slightly carefree comment I make.  I would be amazed that 'being myself' around her could actually last more than a couple days... .that I could forget about the eggshells... .

I would thank God everyday.

Sadly, reality tells me something different. 

Thanks for the fantasy of the "what if"... .it's a nice dream. 

[WhiteBuffalow]

Randi,

I've not been as much on bpdfamily as before . . . but I check in. I've taken myself out of that situation and moved on to have healthier thinking people in my life . .

If my BP really recovered . . and in no way would it be tomorrow . ... I was very commited to working on things for a long time, but because I had to draw the line and not be part of it anymore, if he ever really recovered, We'd be able to have healthy conversations. . . We could be friends. He made it very clear when we were together that it's not possible to have platonic opposite sex friends, so with him now I can't.

In the long run .  . . if people with BP recover, I do believe that some form of relationships can be repaired/continued.

Also from what I've learned here, recovery is possible! It is soo fully up to them! I've also learned that many of us that get entangled with that type of personality, have also gone through much of the abusive stuff that got them there. . .  Some of us are caretakers .  . .

I have a lot of compassion for those with BP and other personality disorders, but also what about us that are affected? They have issues because of deep reasons .  . .I do see this, but what about the stuf that puts on us? That's not what you are asking .  . but . . In my personal opinion, maybe ask also for your books, What major effect has this kind of personality had in our lives?

Thank you.

[geroldmodel]

If my ex would recover, I would probably not recognise her.

She would not be the same person I once knew and loved.

I am pretty sure, IF I would fall in love with her again, I would trigger the same behaviour again.

[Her Mama]

For my two:

J, Little Bit's dad; He really has put our whole family through the ringer.  If he recovered tomorrow, if this was just something out of the blue and I didn't know it was permanent, I think I would end up having a nervous breakdown waiting for the crazy to come back.  I have shunted away my feelings for him so deeply, I don't think I could allow myself to feel them again for fear of being crushed in disappointment again.  Before I was able to break it off with him, get him out of my home, I made myself become numb to his abuse.  Even when he was nice to me, I wouldn't let myself feel joy because I knew it wouldn't last and it was always only because he wanted something.  Emotionally I was the walking dead.  If I didn't do this, I think I would be crazy right now.  I never want to live like that again.  It wasn't living.  I would always be waiting.

If I knew for sure it was permanent, I wouldn't be able to get over the past but I think I could begin to trust that he would be a responsible parent to the kids.  It would make things easier in that respect.  That is the only reason I still try to work with him now, the kids.

Little Bit's mom could just go rot in hell for all I care.  She nearly starved her daughter to death and she allowed her to be sexually abused.  I don't care what changes she makes in her life from now until her last breath, her daughter suffered and may always suffer.  There's no making up for that.

[Cyndi]

I think most are shell-shocked.  That's like asking if a soldier would go back and visit a country were he once fought.  Too much damage, no trust, all the innocence is gone.  The memories of the pain I experienced would never go away, they cut far too deep

[Charlene]

If the BP in my life recovered, my prayers would finally be answered.  I would definitely want a life with him.  We would both see "color" again instead of black and white.  It would be one of the happiest days of my life.

[Sunfl0wer]

I can't imagine what it would mean for my expwN/BPD to recover.

So that means he has no black/white thinking?

No need for narcissistic supply?

No Narcissistic injury?

No issues with engulfment fears?

No abandonment fears?

Etc...

If you mean he would actually have some traits, however, just a "normal" amount of traits...

Then what is a normal amount?

We all have traits of something... .to some degree.  (NPD, HPD, BPD, DPD, etc)

Who is measuring?  How do we measure this?

How do you strip a person of these traits when these traits make up their personality?

It is like trying to strip the wind of motion.  (Maybe there is a better analogy)

[bluejeans]

I like thinking about this. If my SO were to recover I would be so thrilled. It would mean that she would not be in so much daily pain and  would have a better life. Not everything would be a struggle for her.  I would love to see that. And we would be able to have healthy interactions and share the good things that life is all about.