For those of you who, like me, feel the need to fix

[Sooty]

Hi, I came across this site and it has some really good information about us 'fixers' and how to overcome our need to fix.

The sections covered are: What is the need to fix?

                                    What are the negative effects of the compulsive need to fix?

                                    How is the need to fix a control issue?

                                    What irrational thinking leads to the need to fix?

                                    Ways to overcome compulsive fixing

                                    Steps to overcome the "fixer" role

Here are the first 2 sections:


What is the need to fix?

The need to fix is:

Compulsively driven behavior to rescue or help another person, place, or thing to be the way you believe it "should be.''

Seeing another person, place, or thing as "in need'' and the automatic response pattern to this message.

Belief that, unless everything is "just right'' for another person, then that person can never fully be happy in life.

Obsessive need to have every thing, person, and place "perfect'' or "correct'' in order for you to be comfortable enough to be relaxed and accepting of them.

Inability to accept people, places, or things the way they are and the chronic attempt at changing them even if they are unchangeable.

Acting on the belief that you have more knowledge than others as to what is good for them so you strive to correct their thinking to "see the light'' in your way.

Inability to maintain emotional detachment from a person, place, or thing that is hurting or in trouble. You proceed to fix them even if this means that they are hindered from personal growth and accepting personal responsibility for their own actions.

Inability to not give advice, suggestions, or offers of help, even when you know in doing so that it will hinder another person's growth and personal mastery in life.

What are the negative effects of the compulsive need to fix?

If your compulsive need to control others by "fixing" them is not resolved, they you:

Run the risk of developing a series of relationships with people, places, or things who become overly dependent on you.

Run the risk of becoming a caretaker to many with few people giving you the healthy emotional support you need to be a fully functioning and coping human.

Will be unable to remain emotionally detached when you run across a person, place, or thing which appears "helpless.''

Experience people moving away from you if they no longer desire "to be fixed'' by your advice, solutions, or insights.

Will never take care of your own needs because you will have successfully avoided focusing on self by diverting your focus to fixing others.

Become guilt ridden if people, places, or things which you are trying "to fix'' don't get "fixed'' and instead get worse.

Might tie your identity into the "fixer'' role and never be able to enjoy a truly healthy give and receive relationship with anyone.

Will feign "wellness'' as a mask to convince others you have found the answers "to fix'' them and thus remain static or reverse in your personal emotional health.

Will hand out a lot of "I owe you's'' to those you fix in hope they will be there for you when you need them, unfortunately forgetting that your only worth to them has been the fixing you perform and they will not "come through'' the way you hope they will in your time of need.

Might be the one who does all the work in a relationship and, once you "stop the work,'' the relationship will die since you are no longer working at fixing it.

Might become hostile, angry, rageful, or hateful to those whom you have "fixed'' if they do not give you enough recognition in return for your efforts.

Might have successfully used everyone else's problems to divert your attention from yourself, the only one you have greatest odds of fixing because you can have control and change yourself best.

Will increase in your low self-esteem as you lose yourself in "fixing'' others.


Interfering in business and personal affairs "to help'' people even when they haven't asked for your help or assistance.

Drive to feel "needed'' or "wanted'' which leads you to become overly involved and overresponsible in your relationships with persons, places, and things.

Result of a pattern of getting approval and recognition from others for "helping'' in the past with the belief that this is the only way you can have meaning in life.


The site link is www.coping.org/control/fixing.htm

Sooty

[Mike-X]

More for those of us who feel the need to "fix".

www.livestrong.com/article/14696-overcoming-the-need-to-fix/