Hi Green Tree and welcome! I'm so sorry you're going through this.
When your partner is in that type of state, you don't argue, or explain, or justify, or defend...you comfort and get back to a stable place of trust. Then you can have a conversation about what happened. But not before. Why? Because when someone with BPD is feeling abandoned or unloved, they tend to rely heavily on emotions...much like a child. So you give love and affirmation up front, soothe that negative stuff away, and then it turns into a very different day.
This is counter-intuitive and all of us get it very wrong in these relationships. So don't worry about messing up or saying the wrong thing, it's not about that. It's simply about avoiding the arguments and focusing on being loving, nurturing, and validating when things start to go south.
One last thing- if you argue...even when something completely ridiculous or wrong is said...that only intensifies the BPD's emotions because it's validating their worst fears...that you really don't love them or understand them. That's where these relationships go wrong; you think you're arguing over space in the bed while she's arguing over how you don't want to sleep around her, you don't love her, and how she's such a huge burden.
It's not logical at all, it's an emotional response that's very unhealthy. That's why we focus on the emotion to get to the real problems. I hope that helps!
Do we all get it wrong? I know I do, but your words, Pook, are spot on. I think you get it right most of the time.
You describe my pwBPD in your description. If I had only known these things 35 years ago, I think my history with my partner would be less turbulent. We are very close, when I have not slipped, triggering her worst fear, even after 35 years.
During the smooth times, times I am diffusing the daily jabs or attacks, I stop visiting this board. I need to make this part of my routine. During the peaceful time, I think, how could I even think she is a pwBPD, look at how well we are getting along. Well, I can think it...because it's true! Reading what you wrote describes my wife exactly. In need to respond in a way that honors my limits while being reassuring her I love her.
This reassurance is the great challenge. In typical relationships substantial time in a loving partnership is sufficient. With people like my wife, everyday I must prove my love. Even though "I've done this for 35 years now" she says, "but that doesn't mean it will happen today." We, the partners, have tremendous power, we must use it properly.
