Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
June 23, 2021, 01:57:02 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Harri, Once Removed
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, I Am Redeemed, Mutt, Turkish
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Books members most read
105
The High
Conflict Couple
Loving Someone with
Borderline Personality Disorder
Loving the
Self-Absorbed
Borderline Personality
Disorder Demystified

Pages: 1 2 [3]  All   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: he's been drinking a lot, I spoke about it and he flipped and left  (Read 890 times)
Breakingpoint13
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 64


« Reply #60 on: June 20, 2021, 03:37:25 PM »

Black orchid.

I wouldn’t wish this experience on anyone but unless someone has been in a relationship with a Bdp or understood that they are co dependant as to the reasons why they stay then they won’t understand.

What they are saying is coming from a good place and is something that you would also wish for a person to understand if the shoe was on the other foot.

It’s extremely hard to talk to people about this. I’m in the same boat, in fact I can’t talk to any of my friends about it because it just confuses me more, I forget this is a mental illness and I start worrying about things that I can not control or tbh are my problem. I’d recommend  finding a professional to speak to it just stick to this board..

That is just my personal experience but honestly I feel you!!  This board and a few individuals who inbox me have been god sends
Logged
RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

babyducks
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2509



« Reply #61 on: June 21, 2021, 04:36:12 AM »

No one is supportive, everyone just says your better off without him and why did you put up with him so long

hello blackorchid,

I understand its hard to hear that from our friends and family.    I heard it too, or some version of it at least.

still those are legitimate opinions and concerns.    I am guessing some of the same thinking brings you here.     its important to be honest about the challenges facing you.    sometimes that honesty is unpleasant.     

this is one of my favorite quotes here on this website, its about having realistic expectations:

Excerpt
A person with BPD is emotionally underdeveloped and does not have "adult" emotional skills - especially in times of stress.  If you are in this type of relationship it is important to have realistic expectations for what the relationship can be in terms of consistent respect, trust and support, honesty and accountability, and in terms of negotiation and fairness, or expectations of non-threatening behavior.  It is important to accept the relationship behavior for what it is - not hope the person will permanently return to the idealization phase, not accept the external excuses for the bad behavior, and not hope that changing your behavior to heal someone else.

its very important to be realistic and deal with the practical reality that is right in front of us.    even if it is unpleasant.    especially if it is unpleasant.   

only you can say for sure if this is a ~bad~ person behaving badly, a mentally ill person acting out, an immature person being childish, an alcoholic in the middle of a bender.   or some combination of all of the above.    that's up to you to figure out and make your peace with.    it is up to you to accept the relationship for what it is.    not hope for it to be something different.  or hope your friends and family will react different.

this is very hard stuff.

it sounds like you are in regular contact with him again?

Also, a couple of hours later that night he came into the bedroom and woke me up. I was half asleep. I thought he was telling me that he was leaving in 2 days. On Thursday he said that he told me I had two days to decide if I want to be with him
Or not and if not he will move out. That wasn’t what I heard… part of why he’s saying this is what I wanted. I didn’t contact him within the two days…

let's look at this through BPDFamily eyes.    how is it helping you to have this conversation?  do you think this is another version of the blame game?  who is right and who is wrong?    is this another distorted reality?    how does it help him to engage in this conversation?    is it re-enforcing his distorted reality?  allowing him to shift blame?   "I'm drinking too much, gambling too much and giving you the silent treatment but You didn't respond right to something I did (or may not have done) at 2AM so its your fault."

btw these are not rhetorical questions.   I am really hoping you think about the questions I pose and take a shot at answering them.   Being cool (click to insert in post)

'ducks
Logged

What lies behind us and what lies ahead of us are tiny matters compared to what lives within us.
blackorchid
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 293


« Reply #62 on: June 21, 2021, 05:12:59 AM »

No not in contact. sorry I should have been clearer he said that when he was collecting his things on Thursday about a conversation 3 weeks ago.

He’s only messaged because he needed the code for the online streaming platform.


The conversation in question doesn’t help me. It just makes me rethink things and go round and round things in my head getting nowhere as he has refused to have an actual conversation with me for a month now.  Yes I think it allows him to distort his reality and blame me so that he has done nothing wrong. Even when I answered I didn’t understand that. Ok I’ll answer now stay. He said it was too late. Maybe it’s a way of him projecting onto me. So I’m at fault. And im wrong and fits in with the narrative of that that’s he’s telling himself right now.

I understand where my friends and family are coming from and unless you’ve lived through it I don’t think there is a way to understand.

I’m trying to use this time now to focus on me instead of focusing on him and worrying about him. There’s nothing that I can do to help him now. If I contact him he’s angry anyway so I’m not contacting him….
Logged
formflier
Ambassador
********
Online Online

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 18113



WWW
« Reply #63 on: June 21, 2021, 10:47:32 AM »



He’s only messaged because he needed the code for the online streaming platform.

 

Did you provide him the code?

Best,

FF
Logged

blackorchid
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 293


« Reply #64 on: June 21, 2021, 12:50:22 PM »

Yes I gave him the code  he just said thanks. Then later that night said this is what you wanted. I did nothing. Please don’t force me. Like this, I’m good
Logged
formflier
Ambassador
********
Online Online

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 18113



WWW
« Reply #65 on: June 21, 2021, 04:22:03 PM »



I'm still getting caught up on this thread and your story.  I'm curious to know more about how come he can't get his own codes and other administrative tasks.

I'm trying to wrap my head around someone that refuses to have "actual conversations" with you about important matters, yet still appears to expect you to provide him with basic administrative services.  Perhaps I'm missing something.


Perhaps more importantly....I'd be interested in your answers to BabyDucks questions.

btw these are not rhetorical questions.   I am really hoping you think about the questions I pose and take a shot at answering them.   Being cool (click to insert in post)

Best,

FF
Logged

blackorchid
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 293


« Reply #66 on: June 22, 2021, 12:07:07 AM »

Hi  formflier. So the streaming service is linked to my email and not his, so he has no way of getting the codes.

No contact yesterday again.  I’ve just woken up and need to go and walk the dog. Then I’ll sit and write a longer reply
Logged
blackorchid
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 293


« Reply #67 on: June 22, 2021, 03:13:12 AM »

 I just stumbled across an article elsewhere about object constancy, which is the ability to believe that a relationship is stable and intact despite setbacks or disagreements. For those who lack object constancy, any kind of distance can trigger them to re-experience the original pain of being left alone/dismissed/abandoned. Which further destabilizes them.  I feel like this makes total sense regarding him right now and the distance between us, which he has created by not coming home.  Object constancy, takes its name from object permanence, which is the understanding that objects are there even when we can't see them, babies don't have this understanding and so once they can't see an object they think it doesn't exist anymore. So object constancy is this for emotions. I feel like this explains how he splits black and white, and can say it's over, not coming home; he distanced himself and so now the emotions don't exist for him? I don't know if I'm able to articulate this very well right now, I hope you can follow.  Maybe that's why he yo-yoed back and forth saying he was coming home and then not coming so many times?

 I don't know when I read it it kind of made sense with how he was talking about being a footballer in the present tense when he came last week

 

as I read this I think this is a big  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post).   how do you see it?

what you are describing sounds like a pretty severe break from reality.     if he isn't aware that he isn't a footballer any longer he has decompensated


 I only rather recently in the past couple of years found out that when he was born he was sent to live with his grandmother until he was 7 and would fling himself at his mum when she came to visit and had to be peeled off her legs.  He refused to acknowledge his sister ( 2 years younger) who lived with his dad. I feel this is the root of his abandonment issues.


still those are legitimate opinions and concerns.    I am guessing some of the same thinking brings you here.     its important to be honest about the challenges facing you.    sometimes that honesty is unpleasant.     

let's look at this through BPDFamily eyes.    how is it helping you to have this conversation?  do you think this is another version of the blame game?  who is right and who is wrong?    is this another distorted reality?    how does it help him to engage in this conversation?    is it re-enforcing his distorted reality?  allowing him to shift blame?   "I'm drinking too much, gambling too much and giving you the silent treatment but You didn't respond right to something I did (or may not have done) at 2AM so its your fault."



ok so for your questions.

The conversations when he was here last Thursday really didn't help me. They have left me with more questions, which ultimately leave me more upset.  I think he was looking to blame everything on me and that fits in with another reply you wrote BabyDucks about him searching for something to blame as he knows something isn't right and so his thoughts became more and more like rambles. So the more he talks the more it becomes like a distorted reality and it serves neither of us for me to engage in the conversation.  Maybe it helps him somehow to blame me?

I think at his core he will know that his drinking & debts are the root cause and he will be feeling bad for them and trying to mask them.

But what I think now is just hearsay.  It's the 22nd June today, the initial argument was on the 23rd May so it has now been 1 month without actual, purposeful interaction.

I feel like he was waiting for something from me, hence sending the message "this is what you wanted, I didn't do anything" on Saturday but I don't know what he wanted. Anytime I contacted him he pulled away.  I tried calling him a few times in the first two weeks and he didn't answer the call.  He would message afterwards saying why did I call and I would say to talk and his reply was always the same, I don't want to talk to you.

So I left him alone hoping that he would calm down. 



With regards to him at work, I don't think that he is coping well at all.  I was surprised also to hear how paranoid he was.  I haven't spoke to his friend again so I don't know what is happening this week.  His friend says the more he speaks to me, the more he realises that he has a big internal dilemma. He says his problems right now are work and money and his family and he is projecting them all on to me.  His hotel relies on Russian tourist and at the beginning of May, Russia stopped tourists coming here.  It has been announced that from tomorrow they can visit again, so maybe that will take some of the worry off him.


To be completely honest I don't know whether I should touch base with him or just let him be right now.  I'm trying to keep myself busy and do the things that make me feel if not better, at least towards ok (does that make sense). But I'm struggling. I feel lonely and sad that we're at this point again. I was honestly so surprised that he didn't deregulate last year with the pandemic.

Logged
blackorchid
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 293


« Reply #68 on: June 22, 2021, 03:43:24 AM »

Also I forgot to say. When he messaged last week that he had took his things. He added I’ll come to see you tomorrow. Which obv he hasn’t. I thought it was strange that he was leaving with his things, I was in the vicinity but he said he would come to see me tomorrow……
Logged
babyducks
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2509



« Reply #69 on: June 22, 2021, 05:07:29 AM »

I feel like this explains how he splits black and white, and can say it's over, not coming home; he distanced himself and so now the emotions don't exist for him? I don't know if I'm able to articulate this very well right now, I hope you can follow.  Maybe that's why he yo-yoed back and forth saying he was coming home and then not coming so many times?

Yes I can certainly follow.   Smiling (click to insert in post)   thanks for the thoughtful reply blackorchid, I do appreciate that.

object consistency and object permanence do play a role in BPD.    for a person suffering from BPD, they are trying to deal with their harmfully intense chaotic emotions, their painfully intense confusing emotions by managing the distance between you.    mind you,  its not a good approach to managing the emotional upheaval but in a way it works for them.   they 'go away'  and the chaotic emotions lessen....


The conversations when he was here last Thursday really didn't help me. They have left me with more questions, which ultimately leave me more upset. 

I think this is important insight blackorchid.    what its telling me is that if you follow him down the rabbit hole,  if you attempt to engage in his disordered reality it makes things worse.

I think he was looking to blame everything on me and that fits in with another reply you wrote BabyDucks about him searching for something to blame as he knows something isn't right and so his thoughts became more and more like rambles. So the more he talks the more it becomes like a distorted reality and it serves neither of us for me to engage in the conversation.  Maybe it helps him somehow to blame me?

people who are organized at the borderline level,  people who process life and events at the borderline level are emotionally underdeveloped and do not have "adult" emotional skills - .   they do not have the emotional maturity to say 'oh I shouldn't have done this/that, I made a mistake'.    if he can blame you for being the cause of all the problems in the relationship he protects himself.   please understand its not a decision he makes to blame you,  its more an automatic defense mechanism.   


I feel like he was waiting for something from me, hence sending the message "this is what you wanted, I didn't do anything" on Saturday but I don't know what he wanted.

compare this with what you know about him being sent to live with his grandmother.   is it possible that what he learned at a young age is that people who are supposed to love him,  or people that say that they love him are... unreliable... don't stay around....  leave him.    and that he is unconsciously reliving this pattern over and over again?    this time by creating it himself.

this is complicated stuff, but basically there is a school of psychological thought that people relive over and over again the patterns they learned as children.   its not a deliberate conscious decision, its more a deeply embedded pattern we fall back on automatically.   

I was honestly so surprised that he didn't deregulate last year with the pandemic.

this is interesting.   I am wondering if you are saying that you expect him to dysregulate and accept that this is part of your relationship?     I think in the time since you have been on this site regularly the boards have been reorganized, still this is the high level problem solving board, where the focus is on  seeking constructive relationship advice.  and finding solutions.

Of course you can post here.    its perfectly fine to post on any board here.  simply as a reminder I am going to paste in the definitions of the boards.

Excerpt
The " Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup" board is for members looking to solve specific relationship problems, to be coached on the use of relationship tools, and to examine their role in relationship conflict.

The "Conflicted or Just Tolerating a Relationship" board is for those seeking some emotional support and coping skills, but are not motivated for problem solving or learning relations tools at this time - or who are conflicted about staying in the relationship.


my hope is that this give you a sense of which would be a better support for you.

When he messaged last week that he had took his things. He added I’ll come to see you tomorrow. Which obv he hasn’t. I thought it was strange that he was leaving with his things, I was in the vicinity but he said he would come to see me tomorrow……

are you surprised by this?  do you expect him to behave logically?   rationally?   all the time?   some of the time?     being on the receiving end of the silent treatment is painful.  it is, after all considered a form of abuse.    still this push/pull cycle that you guys engage is a little bit more than silent treatment.   he pushes away and you get upset and try to pull him closer,.. which triggers him more and he pushes harder and you pull harder... at least that is how it appears to me.     would you say I got that right?

'ducks
Logged

What lies behind us and what lies ahead of us are tiny matters compared to what lives within us.
blackorchid
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 293


« Reply #70 on: June 22, 2021, 06:26:03 AM »

Hi Babyducks


I think this is important insight blackorchid.    what its telling me is that if you follow him down the rabbit hole,  if you attempt to engage in his disordered reality it makes things worse.

Yes it definitely makes it worse for me.


compare this with what you know about him being sent to live with his grandmother.   is it possible that what he learned at a young age is that people who are supposed to love him,  or people that say that they love him are... unreliable... don't stay around....  leave him.    and that he is unconsciously reliving this pattern over and over again?    this time by creating it himself.

this is complicated stuff, but basically there is a school of psychological thought that people relive over and over again the patterns they learned as children.   its not a deliberate conscious decision, its more a deeply embedded pattern we fall back on automatically.   


Yes, that could be and I think that the money plays into that too.. His father was bankrupt when he was 12 and his dad ran away to Belgium and left his mum and him to deal with it.  That's when the family began to rely on him for money and I think its part of the reason why he still thinks it's his responsibility to pay for it now. As his finances are bad now that may be a reason for a bigger trigger this time round when they asked.

I think that's why he rages at me that he doesn't need me as he has his family and they will help him.  Actually, as far as I can see, they have never helped him and are never interested in helping him. I think that that's the hurt small inner child in him and has always longed for that family dynamic.



this is interesting.   I am wondering if you are saying that you expect him to dysregulate and accept that this is part of your relationship?     


I wouldn't see that I accept it, just that the fear of it is always lingering in my mind and that I'm mindful of it.  I don't want this to happen again and again.  I don't want this to be part of the relationship.  I was hoping for him to see a therapist but he wouldn't go. He kept saying for the past few months that he would go but then every time it was his day off the excuses would start. I do want to better the relationship.
 



are you surprised by this?  do you expect him to behave logically?   rationally?   all the time?   some of the time?     being on the receiving end of the silent treatment is painful.  it is, after all considered a form of abuse.    still this push/pull cycle that you guys engage is a little bit more than silent treatment.   he pushes away and you get upset and try to pull him closer,.. which triggers him more and he pushes harder and you pull harder... at least that is how it appears to me.     would you say I got that right?

'ducks

yes I would say you got that right....I am very mindful not to initiate any contact because of that
Logged
blackorchid
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 293


« Reply #71 on: June 22, 2021, 10:45:39 AM »

hi,

when i said last week that he had taken everything, i meant from the wardrobe,  later when I was in the bathroom I saw that he had taken nothing from there... and he has taken hes winter clothing, medications etc.

He has just sent me a voice memo " sorry can you put all my things in 1 or 2 boxes because I don't want to come and take everything, maybe my friend can come and collect it. thank you"
Logged
formflier
Ambassador
********
Online Online

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 18113



WWW
« Reply #72 on: June 22, 2021, 10:57:02 AM »

Hi  formflier. So the streaming service is linked to my email and not his, so he has no way of getting the codes.
 

Wouldn't it be easier/less complicated for him to get his own email..own codes..own (fill in the blank)?

No criticism here..just me scratching my head a bit.  

Best,

FF
« Last Edit: June 22, 2021, 11:02:21 AM by formflier » Logged

blackorchid
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 293


« Reply #73 on: June 22, 2021, 11:08:15 AM »

Wouldn't it be easier/less complicate for him to get his own email..own codes..own (fill in the blank)?

No criticism here..just me scratching my head a bit. 

Best,

FF

I guess I haven't broached the subject with him.  He used my email months ago to set it up, as he had used his for the 3 month free trail so did mine to get it again  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) I mean if he wanted I'm sure there's a way to change the email... I dont use the platform is Turkish TV which I don't watch.

Does anyone have any sugestions on how to reply to the voice memo.... The medications are not important btw, the doctors just prescribe so much here... creams for muscle aches, etc.
Logged
formflier
Ambassador
********
Online Online

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 18113



WWW
« Reply #74 on: June 22, 2021, 11:11:09 AM »


Hey blackorchird

As babyducks mentioned, lots of this is complicated and sometimes very nuanced stuff.

A fraught place for mixed and unwanted messages.  Which is a reason to clarify your goal when you do get to speak with him.

Our advice to you if your deepest desire is to reconnect romantically with him would be very different than if you were ambivalent about the future of your romantic relationship.  No rush to decide....yet I would encourage you to be deliberate about "what do I want".

In the meantime I would invite you to consider an area that could be a mixed message.

See the quotes below.  A few things to consider.

  so it has now been 1 month without actual, purposeful interaction.

He has just sent me a voice memo " sorry can you put all my things in 1 or 2 boxes because I don't want to come and take everything, maybe my friend can come and collect it. thank you"

If you put his stuff in boxes...will he perceive that as helpful or as you "sending a signal" that you don't want him?  Will his state of mind likely influence this?

Does it seem odd to you that after a month of "no meaningful conversation" that he can still reach out to you and get codes, get things boxed up and other things that he appears to be capable of doing on his own...but perhaps "doesn't want to".

I'm not telling you one course of action is better than the other with the box request.  I DO encourage you to be thoughtful about it before deciding either way.

Thoughts?

Best,

FF
Logged

blackorchid
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 293


« Reply #75 on: June 22, 2021, 11:29:51 AM »

Hey FF,


Our advice to you if your deepest desire is to reconnect romantically with him would be very different than if you were ambivalent about the future of your romantic relationship.  No rush to decide....yet I would encourage you to be deliberate about "what do I want".


I mean as stupid as I am for it, it would be to reconnect romantically with him.  I feel like after his last split in 2019 we were really in a better place and that's where I would like to get back to.... which is probably why it hurts so much this time.  Actually the week that covid really hit here we  had found our wedding venue and were about to send out the invitations.  I finally thought the path ahead was smooth....



In the meantime I would invite you to consider an area that could be a mixed message.

See the quotes below.  A few things to consider.

If you put his stuff in boxes...will he perceive that as helpful or as you "sending a signal" that you don't want him?  Will his state of mind likely influence this?



Yes, i can see that. It seems like that would be a signal of he can't come back.

Does it seem odd to you that after a month of "no meaningful conversation" that he can still reach out to you and get codes, get things boxed up and other things that he appears to be capable of doing on his own...but perhaps "doesn't want to".


yes, now that you put it like that it does seem odd and does lead me to being more confused. 
In 2019 he said too that his friend was coming but then he came. 

The more I read through the messages the past month, the more confused I become. In the days he stayed at the hotel in the 1st week he was still calling me all the pet names. But then hostile when I responded.  Not answering my calls and when I would ask at 11pm where are you, he got mad.

I know it's a pointless wish but I just really wish we could sit down and talk.  The week before the argument he was drinking a lot and he knew I was mad with him one morning when he was going to work, just for the amount of drink and smoking in the living room, he sent me a message, im going to stop this behaviour, let's start therapy together.  I just wish he would get back to that point.

Even the 2nd week of the fight he was talking about therapy again, so I did a quick google search and found a couple's therapy nearby... said I would be willing to try it in Turkish. Sent him the screenshot,  He said maybe then replied it's too expensive. 

and then he didnt reply about it again...

Logged
blackorchid
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 293


« Reply #76 on: June 22, 2021, 11:35:19 AM »

Just curious, his friend at work has just messaged me to see if I'm ok as I had my vaccine today...

He said he has told him a few times to come home, to talk to me, he told me last week that my BPD had mentioned to him about therapy last month and he has said to him go and do the therapy together...

im just wondering if this would also push him away? Is his friend doing this helpful or not? He told me on Friday that he would try to talk to him and I told him not too......

I know from his family that he refuses to talk about it with them, he'll just hang up the phone and gives no explanation as to why he left or where he is staying....
Logged
blackorchid
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 293


« Reply #77 on: June 23, 2021, 02:57:35 AM »

If anyone has any advice on how to respond to the voice memo

He has just sent me a voice memo " sorry can you put all my things in 1 or 2 boxes because I don't want to come and take everything, maybe my friend can come and collect it. thank you"


Late last night he put a sad emoji reaction to my Instagram story of our dog trembling and shaking during the thunderstorm (she’s petrified every time) and I sent a video back of her lying in bed next to me. Saying she’s calmed now she’s ok. He just replied. She’s relaxed now. That’s good.

But I still haven’t responded to the voice memo
Logged
formflier
Ambassador
********
Online Online

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 18113



WWW
« Reply #78 on: June 23, 2021, 10:54:34 AM »


Does the voice memo need a response?

Would you be ok with not responding?

Best,

FF
Logged

blackorchid
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 293


« Reply #79 on: June 23, 2021, 11:23:09 AM »

Well he’s asking if I can pack his remaining things and if a friend can come and get them…. I could ignore it but don’t see what that would serve
Logged
formflier
Ambassador
********
Online Online

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 18113



WWW
« Reply #80 on: June 23, 2021, 11:44:25 AM »


If it bugs you that he doesn't have "actual conversations" with you, then you could require actual conversations for him to enjoy benefits of the relationship.

Right now you apparently are serving as his code getter, box packer (and perhaps other things) without requiring anything of him.  So..he has no incentive to have conversations with you...because he gets what he wants without that.

From time to time in all relationships (dysfunction or otherwise)...stuff comes up and we just help out.  However..I get the vibe this is a pattern that has gone on for a while.

Am I close?  I might not be...so please guide me to a better understanding if I'm off.

Best,

FF
Logged

blackorchid
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 293


« Reply #81 on: June 23, 2021, 12:24:20 PM »

No I think you’re close
Logged
formflier
Ambassador
********
Online Online

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 18113



WWW
« Reply #82 on: June 23, 2021, 01:04:40 PM »

I'll pause and let others weigh in, because as others have said...this is complicated stuff and whatever pathway you pick for individual issues..needs to be consistent/linked to the best possible outcome for what you want for the future of the relationship.

Slowing down...deliberately considering your actions (or inactions) and making sure your choices are consistent with your values...is a wonderful exercise.

What have you learned about yourself in the last month (since things went weird with him)?

What have you learned about him in the last month?

Best,

FF
Logged

Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2021?

Pages: 1 2 [3]  All   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2021 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
Andi1956
Anondad
Cnvi
doghouse
drained1996
EyesUp
Harri
JD2028
lovenature
Mac5
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
old97
P.F.Change
Skip
snowglobe
Swimmy55
Teno
Turkish
wendydarling

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!