Just been reading SWOE for millionth time - I like to dip in now and again. Reading bit about resolving childhood issues (p105). Women are supposed to marrytheir 'father' but I think I married my 'mother'. I would say I had a secure and loving upbringing on the whole (though mum suffered PND - I don't remember this period). My mother was ALWAYS helping others - helping them move house, feeding the five thousand, supporting alcoholic friends and ex-cons, looking after other people's kids when they needed a break...etc. Life was never dull. My uBPDh has always been in caring professions and I was often asked what it was like being married to a saint. I always felt I was more selfish, materialistic etc and wanted to be a 'better person' - I was shocked recently to read in my journal written in the early days of our relationship that I felt I didn't deserve h at times, that he would see who I really was and not love me as much. Few friends and family would ever describe me as insecure - I wouldn't have said it about myself until last two years of OZ - but it was there.
Piza talked about being grateful to BPDex for having learned so much and I agree with this. Tony talks about a person knowing that they are great. I'm still in pain and angry and confused but I don't feel the same need for acceptance from parents/bosses/ex and this has been liberating. And I should add that I actually like myself!
It's weird - I'd have said up until recent traumas that I was 'comfortable in my own skin', that I had pretty good self-esteem but looking back there were insecurities underneath and a fear of really being myself in case others didn't approve. I had to be the good girl. thanks to OZ, my self-esteem has taken an absolute battering (and I've battered myself), I've lost a lot of confidence and my life has just been one whirlwind after another recently but in many ways I feel more of an inner peace and calm than ever before. I know so much more of who I am and I'm happy with me.
Problem is, I'm so happy
with me that I can't understand why h would ever leave and replace me instantly! Told him the other day that it was his loss.
