Silence: The Ultimate Control - Dorothy M. Neddermeyer, PhD

[wemi223]

There is nothing quite so bad as walking through the door and having your SO not even turn their head to acknowledge they've noted anything new of interest happening around them.

That and saying something or asking a question and getting no acknowledgement that a question was even asked or a statement made, much less a response.   My favorite is saying hello or goodbye and getting absolutely nothing back.

This can go one for weeks with me and my wife as I just generally return the favor now.  It used to kill me.   Time for a new approach bec. for me, it is not an acceptable way to live my life.

[JRT]

my uBPD left suddenly and created barriers to any contact... .is this a manifestation of the silent treatment? Or are they no at all related? Mine still visits my FB page (and knowing her they way that I do, even though it has been 4 months, I believe that she has not detached at all).

[SamwizeGamgee]

Great topic and article. Thank you.  It has been very thought provoking.   
I am certain that my wife has given me the "silent treatment" on and off since we were married.  It used to throw me into all kinds of turmoil, and admittedly it worked for years to get me to try harder, to be better - and I can see how it served my wife's interests in the marriage - it got her what she wanted and needed.  I would get silence and cold anger for days or weeks sometimes. 

However, after 20 arduous years of marriage I've gotten to the point that I can readily admit that I give my wife the silent treatment.  I notice this now - that I am still guided by the idea that if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all.  I do still feel that my wife's happiness is important to me.  And I maintain that happiness through lies.  Lies and silence.   

I feel bad about lying (a discovery I made after some T visits was that I thought I first lied to her about going to see a T, but, in fact, I have been lying to her by staying married and tolerating her behavior, and acting like I was "in" the marriage).  So, I remain silent about important things, lie about my feelings, or mix the two behaviors.  I don't give her the silent treatment to control her, hurt, her or maintain the Power Over (thanks for making that connection between silence and controlling the power in a relationship by the way).  I do remain silent about most things, and completely sealed off all intimate emotions and my true self, in an attempt to be kind, not trigger her, not JADE, and so forth.  I have developed a extraordinary ability to control my emotional output, moderate myself and try to dispel or avoid conflict and anger.  Silence has been a method to do this also. 

[Motorcycle Man]

Thank you for the well-written article.  My spouse has a personality disorder (BPD?) but regardless of the name, we've been married for over 3 decades and her openly verbal abuse has resulted in my choice to retreat and remain as silent as possible and when I least expect it, she has a reaction to something I say that is totally irrational.  Recently, I made the mistake of telling her about a funny photo that I sent to my kids and when I  realized that I didn't send it to her, which I've stopped doing, she said "you must have sent it to someone else" and I have taken this as an accusation of infidelity, which she regularly accuses me of,with absolutely no basis.  It's impossible to remain completely silent but I do the best I can to minimize her verbal abuse. Thanks again for the article.