8.05 | Acceptance - the final stage of grieving

[LAPDR]

US: Acceptance - the final stage of grieving

“I believe that living a life of forgiveness, attending to daily life from the inside out, is the most energy efficient and most productive way to live. I believe that self-forgiveness is essentially inseparable from self-respect and self-responsibility.” ~ Thomas Rutledge

For many, our lives have been on a detour for some time and we desire to get back into the mainstream of life and motor on down the road. But before we hit the road, many of us need to free ourself of the past. For me, acceptance of "what never was to be" is a critical aspect of this.

This workshop is about acceptance.

What does acceptance really mean?

When is the time for it?

Are you responsible for your own feelings?

How do you get there?

What are the signs you have not?

Long after the crisis has passed, many of us continue to let the terror and hatred persist in our lives. But human consciousness and spirituality is something we have control over and can change.

When chaos no longer rules our life, and we have grieved our loss, it is time to clear it out of our thoughts.

[duet_4-8]

US: Acceptance - the final stage of grieving

Long after the crisis has passed, many of us continue to let the terror and hatred persist in our lives. But human consciousness and spirituality is something we have control over and can change.  When chaos no longer rules our life, and we have grieved our loss, it is time to clear it out of our thoughts.

Getting to the point of acceptance for me took several months and was one of those 'two steps forward, one step back' kind of things.  I got there in my head before I got there in my heart.  Nowadays I am mostly able to stay there all the time in my head, but my heart still slips into resentment and anger from time to time.  Here is a reading that helps me get back to acceptance when I slip:

Acceptance

Surrender to the moment. Ride it out and through, for all it's worth. Throw yourself into it.  Stop resisting.  So much of our anguish is created when we are in resistance. So much relief, release, and change are possible when we accept, simply accept.

We waste our time, expend our energy, and make things harder by resisting, repressing, and denying. Repressing our thoughts will not make them disappear. Repressing a thought already formed will not make us a better person. Think it. Let it come into reality. Then release it. A thought is not forever. If we don't like it, we can think another one or change it. But to do that, we must accept and release the first thought.  Resistance and repression will not change a thing. They will put us at war with our thoughts.

We make life harder by resisting and repressing our feelings. No matter how dark, how uncomfortable, how unjustified, how surprising, how inappropriate we might deem our feelings, resisting and repressing them will not free us from them. Doing that will make them worse. They will swirl inside us, torment us, make us sick, and make our body ache, compel us to do compulsive things, keep us awake, or put us to sleep.

In the final analysis, all that we're really called on to do is accept our feelings by feeling them, and saying, Yes, this is what I feel.

Feelings are for the present moment. The more quickly we can accept a feeling, the more quickly we will move on to the next.

Resisting or repressing thoughts and feelings does not change us or turn us into the person we want to be or think we should be. It puts us in resistance to reality. It makes us repressed. Eventually, it makes us depressed.  Resisting events or circumstances in our life does not change things, no matter how undesirable the events or circumstances may be.

Acceptance turns us into the person we are and want to be. Acceptance empowers the events and circumstances to turn around for the better.  What do we do if we're in resistance, in a tug of war with some reality in our life? Accepting our resistance can help us get through that too.

Acceptance does not mean we're giving our approval.

It does not mean surrendering to the will and plans of another.

Acceptance does not mean we accept abuse or mistreatment.

It does not mean we forego boundaries, our hopes, dreams, desires, wants, or ourselves.

It means we accept what is, so we know what to do to take care of ourselves and what boundaries we need to set.

It does not mean commitment. It is not forever. It is for the present moment. Acceptance does not make things harder; it makes things easier.  It means we accept what is and who we are at the moment, so we are free to change and grow.  Acceptance and surrender move us forward on this journey. Force does not work.  Acceptance and surrender - two concepts that hurt the most before we do them.

Today, I will practice accepting my present circumstances and myself. I will begin to watch and trust the magic that acceptance can bring into my life and recovery.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.

[LAPDR]

To get to the goal of acceptance self-forgiveness must be reached. To get there we have to accept what has happened to us, understand the factors that controlled us and take responsibility for what we did. We are not perfect people and must be accountable and take the self blame for what we did to ourselves. Finding the faults within ourselves is productive and healing, we can’t live forever pointing a finger at them and saying it was their entire fault. We did it to ourselves and many have a problem admitting to this. We may feel consternation even thinking we did something wrong but we did many of these things to ourselves, they did not force us to feel and act the way we did. Hopefully will never repeat it again. It’s been a big learning experience so no matter how hard the lesson was, feel proud and free of what was learned.

When divorce is involved it is difficult to accept, we find it hard to say our marriage was a failure. Being in a difficult relationship may force us to admit and accept that we made poor decisions in the beginning and during the marriage. For some we tend to act like the ostrich who buries his head in the sand being afraid of what they might see.

I've learned that I can't change the past, but I can let it go. Some of us can turn to indifference, some can truly forgive them and move on. Getting there is not done overnight or a easy road to travel, sometimes we need to stop and get a tune-up before moving on. Are you ready to move on with your life and face a new world?

[Vincent]

We absolutely have our share in the mess.

My xgf was unhealthy and abusive in ways I had never experienced before, or even suspected could actually exist.

But the fact is, I saw the signs early on. I go hit early on. But decided to skip the facts. Why ?

Because she had me feel loved, cared for, idolized, as never before.

Because I had been dreaming about her since I was a child. She was my first awakening to "adult" love as a man.

Because she had me laugh as no one before.


The fact is : I had a problem with my own self esteem. She filled this lack of self love and I became dependent on her to give me that.

A relationship is a dance. And we are two people to dance it.

She was nuts admittedely.

But I had my own great deal of problem, that allow all this suffering to unfold.

[Kevin007]

I accept full responsibility for where I am and how I got here... .I trust myself to chart my future

[Karma Police]

Bonjour, mon Vincent!   

Acceptance took a really long time, I think primarily because I had allowed myself to become so attached to him.  I had gotten out of a bad LTR about six months before I met him, and made a conscious decision to not be closed up emotionally.

Fat load of good that did me.    However, this relationship opened my eyes to myriad bad relationship patterns I had allowed in my life, and the reasons why I had let them evolve without even seeing it.  Like Vincent, I saw the warning signs VERY early on and dismissed them because my ability to trust my gut instincts was very warped.  I want to believe in the best in people, and for the most part this is an okay thing, but I wasn't very discriminating.  Mostly I was being very controlling and stupid and thought that if I either saw enough of the weird/bad stuff that I would eventually run (I did, it just took a really long time), or that he would stop being such a wank.  He didn't.

Accepting the end of this relationship took me accepting that the "ill" part of him and the "sane" parts of him were not separate--the only real part of him was the ill portion, the rest of was crap I wanted to believe (and that he wanted to project/mirror at times).  I had to accept that he *is* mentally ill and would most likely do nothing about it for whatever various reasons.  Reconciling this was a real mental detangling.

I also think that accepting his illness made me really look at myself hard, and not only accepting my part in the spastic tango, but also accepting that I was worthy of much, much more than he was willing to part with.  I'm still not ready to plunge back in, but it's at least worth speculation at this point.

[Kevin007]

1. Well said

2. Can I get a larger copy of your picture ?

LOL

[LAPDR]

Accepting the end of this relationship took me accepting that the "ill" part of him and the "sane" parts of him were not separate--the only real part of him was the ill portion, the rest of was crap I wanted to believe (and that he wanted to project/mirror at times).  I had to accept that he *is* mentally ill and would most likely do nothing about it for whatever various reasons.  Reconciling this was a real mental detangling.

At the end we do have to accept a lot of things that we have no control over. The Serenity Prayer is so powerful here.



God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.

[theomorphic]

"Acceptance means that you perceive reality accurately and consciously acknowledge what you perceive."       

Why is the above definiton so difficult for me to live by? 

Because I am an Idealist, one "T" told me that to the degree I am in Romantic Mythology (Infatuation) is the degree my mother violated me!  I agree  ?

I am understanding that I am still working my way out of OZ   Ahhhhh

So I see it as Brain Washing/Mind Control and nothing less then that.

It is the lies that I/we are told and then they change the script as they see fit.

When the original agreement (we will be lovers again right and this if for the rest of our life as in growing old together  : )  the contract was changed at her will,  I wished I had said Good By then!  And not stayed around "To Be Friends".   In friendship there is reciprocalness, and with these Narcissistic Borderlines it is a vacuum with energy only going one way.  Then when I speak my peace and set boundaries it is over because she never wished to be lovers again?  Even this I question? As she wondered if I was seeing another?  Which tells me more of her insecurity and why would she even care?  makeing it so clear to me (over and over) that "there is no us".  I believe what people say and tend to not challenge it, as I mean what I say or I do not say it. 

As these pictures haunt me, some schools of thought are to play it in your head as you wish it and reinforce that... .hmmm will do more of it!

The hard part is my not speaking up and ending it sooner because there are so many screwed up moments, holidays, family moments or what were to be and her reclusiveness and not sharing more with me holding back!   Forget her!

Her famous one liners Haunt Me!  In a stern voice:

I cannot help you?  Oh what BS I helped her w/everything literally.

I would be a whore to have sex w/you!  This association is over between us and she never saw me again as she kept re-engaging me.  I was whoring myself being associated with her again by not getting my needs met and she mislead me intentionally.

It is the inconsistency that is causing the insanity inside of me.

Saying one thing and her actions are of the opposite.

Then she learns a little recovery lingo and uses MY LINES that I should be saying to her... .against me! 

I pray to GOD that I speak up sooner and leave sooner in the future.

So I was mindful and in observing said to myself  "This is as good as it gets"

So I got out!  And must remember that every day with her was another MAJOR need for Healing in my life. 

I do not wish to heal any longer I wish to be creative!

Again it is all mind control and brain washing the way they lie and manipulate with expectations!       

Enough is Enough!   

The ultimate acceptace has to be with myself!   Hmmmm

WoW what is has taken for me to grow and end this cycle of dating these B/NPD's

I believe sometimes there are Evil Spirits in my head and not just simple past memories but an Evil Angel sucking up my emotions.    ?

Truth be known, I can no longer fool myself and I believe that it is not suppose to be that hard for any love relationship and will shut it down sooner as to rid myself of this hopeful Delusion I sometimes find myself in. 

                       8)       

[christabel1956]

I am the mother of a daughter with BPD.

I fear that what I read will someday reflect the suffering of a young man who becomes entangled in her web of complexities.  An unsuspecting gentleman who falls deeply for the softness, kindness and compassion.

My daughter has an etherial beauty.  She is smart and funny.  She bears traits that make you want to be with her all the time, and then inexplicably want to be as far away as possible.  We stay and love even when we don't want to.  We disengage despite the internal struggle that tells us the beauty is there.  If we could just hold on for one more day.

Acceptance is a sticky wicket.  There are times when I am full of it.  And there are times when I fumble to hold on.  I have days when I can take what comes head on.  And days when I want to be buried in sand.  Either way, it's OK.  I know what I have to do.  I know that I must hold onto my own reality.  My own strengths and weaknesses.  I am a good and loving mom.  Who better to mother a child with disordered brain process?

Love,

Christabel

[Kevin007]

Ahhh Acceptance... .

When we have been in an abusive relationship for so long, we begin to associate such a large part of us(who we are) with the long time we spent in drought and famane... .

There are seasons we go through... .On days that are extremely cold~It does not mean it's winter(even if it feels like it) it's still summer.

Yes I have accepted my grief; yes this experiance has changed me forever. 

However the aquaintance of my grief is coming to and end.

If you came along way or had a good month in March- Just wait for May!  and October!  excelerated favor in those months for you and for us.  This is going to be our summer!

[LAPDR]

While living in chaos we have exposed ourselves to excessive self-criticism and self-condemnation and we learn to feel uncomfortable with ourselves, many live in pain and excrete hate on a daily basis. Finding self-compassion is not a selfish act, it’s a loving act to ourselves.

In these undesirable relationship it is easy to blame the other person for all our bad feelings and misery. After we feel we are out of the FOG and away from that environment our minds are still cloudy and our thought continue to bounce off the walls of our heads. Being filled with grief, misery and shame is no way to live and we usually do it in the own private hell of our thoughts. Many become bitter and hardened by it’s forces and others see it even when we feel were are hiding it inside of us.

To get to that goal self-forgiveness must be reached. To get there we have to accept what has happened to us, understand the factors that controlled us and take responsibility for what we did. We are not perfect people and must be accountable and take the self blame for what we did to ourselves. Finding the faults within ourself is productive and healing, we can’t live forever pointing a finger at them and saying it was all their fault. We did it to ourselves and many have a problem admitting to this. We may feel consternation even thinking we did something wrong but we did things to ourselves that we hopefully will never repeat again. It’s been a big learning experience so no matter how hard the lesson was feel proud and free of what was learned.

If you find this hard to understand just ask yourself two questions. Where am I? Where do I want to be? What is amazing about this is you don’t need anybody else’s approval to forgive, you do it yourself for you.

[theomorphic]

While living in chaos we have exposed ourselves to excessive self-criticism and self-condemnation and we learn to feel uncomfortable with ourselves, many live in pain and excrete hate on a daily basis.

Finding self-compassion is not a selfish act, it’s a loving act to ourselves.

In these undesirable relationship it is easy to blame the other person for all... .

Well stated!  hmmm My T stated to me People who do not love themselves attract people who do not love them!

Well Well Well I live by principles and when apologies are not offered after being violated... .it is over between us!

So when my BPD sabotages everything then wants further careing/tending, I must say NO! I am not into condoning malicious behaviors in anyone.     This lifelong pain is too Great! It is time for me to love myself and have discernment for those who love themselves who THEN may participate in my life.   Here I find myself having held back love because of principles that I live by!  I hate being confused!  I believe that had I been assertive

(as I am today) I would have lived a completely different life. 

[veryconfused]

Hi

I like this workshop.  It focuses on many different variables, but all relating to a stage of grief.  Acceptance came in many forms to me.  Accepting my part and issues that allowed me to get and stay involved with my BPD ex, accepting that there were many things/philosophies/beliefs that I needed to work on and grow, accepting my own faults, feelings, needs, and desires in the relationship, accepting that my ex really was insane, accepting that life is about growth and is sometimes unfair and that it is my responsibility to take and grow from what experiences I am dealt, accepting that the relationship with my ex was over regardless of the feelings and the re-engagements, and finally and most importantly accepting that this is a part of my life I don't regret only because it made me stronger and further enlightened with the meaning of life and why we exist. 

With all this acceptance, I finally got back to the mainstream of my life before the ex reentered.  I see where and what my issues were.  I've reclaimed who I was but I'm not the same person anymore.  Life seems more precious now, relationships more appreciated, love and respect even more appreciated and offered.  I look at my kids and I realize even more than before the blessings that I have in my life and that I have always had. 

[AJMahari]

So many important and insightful things said here in this topic are for sure.

I think also that along with acceptance, acceptance of one's own personal responsibility, and the pain of the grief, and finding self-forgiveness a central part of the letting go in the process of grief is coming to forgive the other person. Coming to forgive the person with BPD in your life, or who was in your life. This forgiveness is a gift that nons can give to themselves. It is not something that in any way sanctions or negates past hurt but it is a way to release yourself from it.

From within the process of grief, acceptance, personal responsibility, finding self-forgiveness and forgiving the borderline comes a compassionate understanding that is freeing. A compassionate understanding that no longer engages the "what-ifs" and/or the "if-only's". A compassionate understanding that is in and of itself a new and healthy boundary born out of an understanding that where you have been (with the borderline) is not where you want or need to be.

[Wanda]

acceptance:

  This is something that goes along with almost the five stages of grief, we have to also understand, once we understand the situation we then can grieve and let go, i had to do this once i found out my husnband had this disease and there were certain things i could not change just change what i could, i started to grieve. then understanding followed, and acceptance of what was and what is now, i have to accept for example i can't change him or make him see he has this disease, nor can i force him into T i wish, i could only change what i could and that was me... i think once i understood and accept things then the process of learning became easier for me... because then i didn't control or expect differntly. and so things like validating not justifiing became easier.

[JoannaK]

Wanda, you are quite right... .   If we stay, there is a limit to what we can do.  That is a final acceptance in that situation.  There is a companion

Workshop on "Radical acceptance"... that explores acceptance in the context of staying with a disordered partner and what that involves.   

[faigel]

 :'(  i am nowhere near acceptance yet. i am in full grieving. i have a daughter, aged 31, who i had to send out of the house. she is bp/BPD. we've worked on solutions since she was about 14. she hasnt even tried to work in about 8 yrs. so i am blitzed, exhausted. and now she is homeless, has done some prostituting and i dont knoww what else. there is little hope that things will change. i know i had no choice. i know i am and was a good and devoted mother.

but its one thing to move on after a marriage, something totally different to lose a child from family life. yet they are still alive. somewhere, dont know where.

i am in mourning. i am crying frequently, and when i am not crying i feel very very sad. :'(

and yet of course we couldnt stand to have her around. she ruined many a gathering and holiday with her BPD stuf. i just cant accept. not yet.

you know,  i lost my beloved mother about 6 months ago. that was the first experience i ever had with mourning. i am still figuring out how to accept that. its very weird -- even tho i miss my mother's company more, i am mourning my daughter more. yes, it is more recent (the final, final NC was 2 months ago). but i cant let go of it.

i believe in feeling my feelings. i am feeling the pain in a very real way. i cry suddenly in the subway, at work, shopping.

i am also mourning the loss of a loving nuclear family with  my daughter. i am mourning the wonderful young lady and close friend she was until she threw away her meds about 2 years ago. we used to share a lot of time and thoughts.

can anyone offer any suggestions about how to get over this hump? or maybe i just have to keep grieving until i'm thru with it.

pls write ... .

faigel

[Ice Man]

As for me, what works Best is our Lord Prayer:

*Crossing and kneel if your knees are OK. And begin with:

Father, My King Jesus, Mother of God Mother Mary, All Saints and Angels and Brothers and Sisters I'm making this intercession prayer for me, my family and her . .

Our Father who Art in Heaven, Hallowed be Thy name,

Thy Kingdom come, Thy will be done, On earth, As it is in Heaven,

Give us this day our daily bread, and Forgive us our Trespasses as

We forgive those who Trespassed against us, And lead us not into Temptation,

But deliver us from all evils,

Amen.

P.S it's my own version, you may modify it to suit your prayer, your style. But I assure, it's not merely acceptance. It's Truth. God is Truth.

<:-)

[BroiledBunny]

So well put.

I realize I have not let go completely.

Now I am alone. And I don't feel worthy of being loved.

I fear I will not be loved again, or that I will be rejected, and I do not have control of the thoughts in my head, they appear and cause me great distress that manifests as anxiety and I cannot sleep at night.

And I do go in circles and am not moving forward.

Well, anyway, I was thinking about how perhaps while I think I've let go, perhaps I have not, and I remember the way she looked at me, like no woman every had before when she was loving.

And I miss feeling the love the vibration.

Thanks for your words Vincent. Hopefully you have found peace and

happiness since you wrote this. Hopefully I will find a way to move forward.

But the fact is, I saw the signs early on. I go hit early on. But decided to skip the facts. Why ?

Because she had me feel loved, cared for, idolized, as never before.

Because I had been dreaming about her since I was a child. She was my first awakening to "adult" love as a man.

Because she had me laugh as no one before.


The fact is : I had a problem with my own self esteem. She filled this lack of self love and I became dependent on her to give me that.

A relationship is a dance. And we are two people to dance it.

She was nuts admittedely.

But I had my own great deal of problem, that allow all this suffering to unfold.

[Vincent]

Hello Broiledbunny,

I know what you are going through. Deeply and intimately.

This terrible unending pain. Night, Days, all feeling like a never-ending nightmare. Filled with their absence.

The good memories which become a torture for our heart and soul, going round and round, messing with our heads.

The incapacity we have to make sense of the nonsense. Of their behavior. So loving. Then so cold and detached.

And the feeling of bottomless void and cold when they are gone. Like we lost such a huge part of ourselves.

The pain is almost physical. And at times, we find ourself wanting to smash our heads against a wall just to make this stop.

There is also the difficulty for other people around (friends and family alike) with no experience of a BPD r/s to understand this pain.


I could tell you that you will just forget and move on. That you will somehow realize this person was crazy. That you were addicted to an illusion and feel suddenly freed and lighter than air.

The fact is : if you loved that person, realizing your own part in the dance, and their mental illness will not make you forget or heal.

It will only help you cope with this reality : you could never had lived a happy, functional relationship with a BPD. It was doomed from the very beginning.

Had it not ended, it would have destroyed you completely.


I know I would have ended in a mental institution. The abuse had become so severe. But I would have remained with her... .


So what's to expect now ?

One step at a time. Time is your ally. Do not judge yourself and do not beat yourself up.

After a few months, a few years, you learn to live with that pain. With that loss. It's like grieving a deceased loved one. The feeling of love and the pain caused by the loss are there. Always.

But you know you cannot change the situation.

It took three years for the pain to become manageable.


With time, you learn to function with it. It stays with you, but it's no longer an obstacle preventing you from living and enjoying life.

I am engaged now. And fathered a little girl.

This experience with BPD made me realize my own weaknesses. And I learned to identify and avoid unhealthy people. That's the best I could derive from all this suffering.

Something died with this hearbreaking love story though. I could not really tell what it is. My ability to give myself completely maybe.  Something that belongs to the realm of childhood or teenage years perhaps.

It's hard to describe. But it died. And I'll never be the same. Sometimes, I miss the feeling. But it's no longer there and can never come back.


Anyway, know there is a way out this. It's long. It's hard. You may never forget, especially if it is real love.

But eventually you will be able to manage the pain and rebuild your life on stronger and healthier foundations.

If you learn the right lessons from this experience, you will become a stronger person.

Yes, we payed such a high price for the lesson... .

Was it worth it ? I would not respond with much enthusiasm.


Do not hesitate to PM me if you feel like talking.


Take good good care Broiledbunny.

Vince