history of lesbianism in BPD a common sign?

[amayseng]

i have read numerous posts on here thus far, seeing a common theme of the BPD woman having past lesbian experiences...

come to find out my xBPDw had a history of lesbianism.  she denies it to me, but did admit this girl who was a lesbian lived with her for a year. 

does anyone else find that odd.?  and told a few people they kissed and things, although denying it to me... .

i guess all the piercings, (yes down there) should have been a red flag

im an idiot

[guita1ife]

My stbx bragged all the time about her lesbian relationship with a stripper for 4 mos.  She would bring it up at the most inappropriate times (right after oral sex for her... l didnt have to wonder what was going on in her mind while I was trying to please her).  Always told me she still looks at other women and imagines sleeping with them... but that it wasnt something she would do again.  She also added she never looked at men that way... even tho she had admitted to sleeping with 100s.  "I just used men for sex and never called them again" (umm who was using whom!)

It felt like she had NO sense of repect for her body (and definitely no respect for mine).  Apparently she didnt get enough of what she needed from men... so tried with women. 

In our relationship... it seems sex for her was just a tool to get what she wanted, and when she had that with me... sex became a 'privledge' i had to EARN by carefully not breaking any eggshells... and even on those days, sometimes she'd smash one herself... just to get something bad started.  I thought sex between a married couple was about love and closeness and every time I'd ask why she used it to punish me... .it made her rage... .what a MESS!

[amayseng]

i understand completly.

my wife would deny me time after time, then when i would not approach her for a few days she would complain we never had sex... .i responded, you dont ever want to and i feel dumb being turned down all the time... .so she just got mad at me instead of thinking, i would never want my husband to feel inferior or unsure of himself.

no ability to be in anothers shoes... .

always the victim...

i dont want to get into our honeymoon... .where it was sparse

[numbr3]

I am dealing with that but in the opposite vein.  I found out my xuNPD/BPDH has been busy doin guys on the side.  We have been divorced 1 year but spent the last year trying to reconcile, 4 months of counseling.  I was so uneasy with his responses-just knew he was lying about tons of things.  He is a pathological liar.  He was honest about one thing-he did not have a girlfriend out of town.  Nope, it was a boyfriend!

I have done alot of research on N's.  I believe mine is a somatic N, meaning he gets his strokes from his physical and sexual view of himself.  This is an excellent web site that helped me out:

WWW.HealthyPlace.com.

There are excepts from a book by Sam Vakinin.  N's are pathological liars, con men, controllers, sadists, exhibitionists, etc.  Well-that all fits.  The most interesting thing is that they prefer less complicated and less threatening sex: devoid of all emotion, anonyous (group sex, prostitution) or autoerotic (homosexual or masturbation)  It all fits with his behavior-phone sex, obsessive masturbation, other men, probably group sex, being on a porn site, etc.  I am sure there is alot of "etc." in his life.  Ick!

The sad thing is we had a wonderful sex life so I am trying to reconcile that in my brain.  I think that is all we had and all he is capable of-good sex.

Numbr3

[amayseng]

numb3 stay far away from that... .

hope you have NC going on

[mtn]

My ex "experimented" with another woman in college.  Apparently with an audience at a house party.  Nice.

I think there is something in the DSM about gender confusion for BPD, possibly other PDs.  Correct me - Im not sure gender confusion is actually related to homosexuality per se, but maybe there is something going on here.  Perhaps its a lack of a well developed identity.

[chump]

Broadly speaking - think impulse control problems.

Chump.

[cult]

I must insert my standard public service announcement when this subject comes up here, which it does periodically. There are some, perhaps many, BPDs and other PDs who are lesbian, gay or bi. But that does NOT mean being lesbian, gay or bi means that you are BPD or are otherwise mentally ill in any way, shape, or form.

Too many people, especially people who don't personally know any "sane" lesbians, gay men or bi people, or transgendered people for that matter, find it oh so easy to generalize. And given the way that the current culture in the US has made it very convenient for people who might have a prejudice against homosexuality to consider themselves in the majority, I always figure it's important to speak up about things like this.

Let's be sure we don't confuse issues - or give bigoted people a platform to spew hatred - when we talk about things like this.

BPDs find it very hard to be honest and ethical when doing so contradicts their selfish desires. Maybe we should leave it at that. I would bet many more BPDs have had heterosexual affairs than homosexual ones, anyway.

Cult

[numbr3]

amayseng:

I am 5 weeks NC so far-sex with him will never be a problem for me again!  I went to the Dr. right away and I am clean from any STDs so I thing I'll keep it that way!

mtn:

I agree that it may not be homosexuality but gender identity confusion.  I think perhaps a BPD (mine) may have had a sexual relationship with the same sex earlier in life.  Of course sex feels good so they can have mixed emotions, guilt and shame about it.  They may question whether they "may" be gay or not.  A normal person, like us nons, could process that kind of thing and say it was an isolated incident, not go there anymore and not feel bad about it forever.

[cult]

Gender identity confusion: means that you believe yourself to be the opposite gender than the one you were born with. For example, a man with gender identity confusion or disorder, believes he is really a woman trapped inside a man's body. A woman with gender identity disorder would consider herself to be a man trapped inside a woman's body.  Homo or bi sexuality means you feel sexually attracted to your own sex either exclusively, or in addition to, the opposite sex.

Gender identity has nothing to do with sexuality. Having a sexual experience with someone of the same sex has nothing to do with feeling like you're really a man or a woman trapped inside the body of the "wrong" gender.

Also, many "normal" people do have same-sex experiences that they feel confused about. It is part of the process of figuring out whether you are gay, bi or straight, for a lot of people.

Cult

[guita1ife]

Interestingly enough... my stbx would actually say "I am a man in a woman's body, when I slept with all those men I was being JUST like a man... use them for sex and kick them to the curb".  But she'd always add (for my benefit alone obviously) "that was my past and I dont want that anymore"... and then in a rage say "people NEVER change" (soo you're telling me you really ARE that woman who needs meaningless sex from strangers, and NOT the woman that JUST married me "faithfully" the rest of our lives?).  My guess is she was back to random men/women the day she moved out... .all very brutal to digest.

[paul16]

I think I've said this before but because sex is regarded by them as a tool to get what they need I doubt that gender is a determining factor. I did hear that my exgf made moves on another woman and in that case it was all about getting something that she needed. Which isn't different in any way to the reasons that she reeled me in sexually. Even though I'm the opposie sex.

I just don't think that gender or sexual preference are the determining factors for a BPD.

[Steph]

Cult,

  Thanks for saying, quite well, what I was going to type out.

I am bisexual and my dbph is, as well. I dont believe our sexuality has anything to do, whatsoever, with BPD or any other mental illness, for either of us.

Anyway... thanks for saying it, so I didnt

Steph

[JoannaK]

I don't know offhand what percentage of people move back and forth between relationships with partners of the same-sex and partners of the opposite sex.  My sense is that those with BPD do this much more frequently than others, and they are more likely to do it in the context of "sneaking" around on their primary partner. 

Identity disturbance?  Well, as cult points out, it isn't necessarily gender identity disturbance, which is something else, but whether or not you consider yourself heterosexual, homosexual, or bisexual, is an important part of our identity, our sense of self... .and many with BPD can't figure this out.   

[ropend]

i have read numerous posts on here thus far, seeing a common theme of the BPD woman having past lesbian experiences...

come to find out my xBPDw had a history of lesbianism.  she denies it to me, but did admit this girl who was a lesbian lived with her for a year. 

does anyone else find that odd.?  and told a few people they kissed and things, although denying it to me... .

i guess all the piercings, (yes down there) should have been a red flag

im an idiot

It does seem to be a recurring theme.

[Lion Fire]

yes, my ex said that she was confused about her sexuality and was convinced for a long time that she was gay... .until we got together  Although she never admitted to it, my intuition tells me that she has definitely experimented at least with other women. This in itself is no big deal for me.

Almost from the start, I asked her not to disclose anything about her past sex life. I sensed that she had gone into areas I just didn't want to know about.

Her previous sex life was a dark chamber for me.

[camuse]

Mine had been with men and women, but I'm not sure she actually had any normal sexual desires at all. Anyone who could distract her with sex and some orgasms to ease the pain would do.

[Cardinals in Flight]

Cult!

As a lesbian, AND a "non", thank you for your PSA .  One has little if anything to do with the other.  Many many people have issues with sexual identity during various phases in life.  Some folks for shock value try anything during college or adolescence, this does not a PD make.

CiF

[camuse]

Cult!

As a lesbian, AND a "non", thank you for your PSA .  One has little if anything to do with the other.  Many many people have issues with sexual identity during various phases in life.  Some folks for shock value try anything during college or adolescence, this does not a PD make.

CiF

In deed. But in a PD I do think sometimes the lack of self translates into the sexual arena - I thought mine was very sexual, but in fact she wasn't sexual at all. She didn't fancy men and women, she simply didn't fancy anyone but mirrored anyone who could provide supply.

[Hawk Ridge]

I lived most of my 50+ years as a straight woman.  A few years ago, and quite surprisingly to me, I fell in love with "a person" who just happened to be a lesbian with BPD.  :)id she break my heart? Yes but she also taught me compassion as I have known her since we were children.  I think what is often forgotten is what I think of as "straight privilege."  Imagine the trauma of growing up in the 60's, knowing you are a lesbian and knowing you can't sit and talk about your crushes, your heartbreaks, of being called an abomination against God, of being a vulnerable little woman living in fear of discovery.  That's trauma and I witnessed hee going through it and I was injured by the resulting BPD.  Trauma is the root of BPD.  I like what Cult speak of in terms of avoiding generalizations.  Many of us have been hurt by this disease, horribly hurt but let's try for some compassion for ourselves and for those we love who have this horrendous disease as we recover from the pain.  I am not suggesting going back for more pain - i continue in my own recovery to straddle that fence but feel stronger each day because of the education and validation in these boards.  All I ask for is that we keep compassion within our thoughts while having boundaries as we gain clarity and recovery. I am not posting to incite criticism or debate because God knows we were all subject to enough of that during the blackness of BPD - please be sensitive to that heightened sensitivity right now - let's just let each other feel safe in sharing our thoughts.   Thank you .  God bless.  

[purpleavocado]

Well, I am a lesbian and so is my exBPD, but she would hook up with men for attention on occasion. She had no interest in them beyond their attention and adoration. So it's kind of the opposite of what you're asking but it does go together; I think a lot of them will take attention however they can get it, from whomever will offer it. I don't think the two are cause and effect at all, though.

[ropend]

Well, I am a lesbian and so is my exBPD, but she would hook up with men for attention on occasion. She had no interest in them beyond their attention and adoration. So it's kind of the opposite of what you're asking but it does go together; I think a lot of them will take attention however they can get it, from whomever will offer it. I don't think the two are cause and effect at all, though.

My BPD sibling uses sex and sexuality as a method of attracting victimhood.

[JRav59]

My ex BPD is a hardcore lesbian. She had sex with men but usually to just feel wanted. I think it's an attention/sex thing. I can't say that it goes for everyone with BPD.

[SpringInMyStep]

I must insert my standard public service announcement when this subject comes up here, which it does periodically. There are some, perhaps many, BPDs and other PDs who are lesbian, gay or bi. But that does NOT mean being lesbian, gay or bi means that you are BPD or are otherwise mentally ill in any way, shape, or form.

Too many people, especially people who don't personally know any "sane" lesbians, gay men or bi people, or transgendered people for that matter, find it oh so easy to generalize. And given the way that the current culture in the US has made it very convenient for people who might have a prejudice against homosexuality to consider themselves in the majority, I always figure it's important to speak up about things like this.

Let's be sure we don't confuse issues - or give bigoted people a platform to spew hatred - when we talk about things like this.

BPDs find it very hard to be honest and ethical when doing so contradicts their selfish desires. Maybe we should leave it at that. I would bet many more BPDs have had heterosexual affairs than homosexual ones, anyway.

Cult

Thanks cult... .I wasn't sure where this thread was going. I'm a lesbian and my ex is bisexual. I don't think sexual orientation has anything to do with mental illness and I don't like it when people try and lump them together.

Most people with BPD are so desperate for affection and attention that they end up being quite promiscuous. My ex basically throws herself at anyone who is nice to her. It's creepy, really. She brings up sexual topics at the most inappropriate times. I counted the words "sex", "sexuality", "sexual", and f**k" a total of 14 times in her online dating profile. Seriously, and she wonders why guys message her only wanting one thing.

Anyway... .thank you for mentioning that BPD symptoms are definitely NOT a side effect of being gay. 

[yaryu]

When I first started dating my exBPDgf she considered herself a lesbian, never having dated men but had a history with men i.e. casual sex as an experiment as she calls it. 

After the honeymoon phase it all went downhill.  She loved the attention of men and thrived on it.  Over time, and in between many breakups, she began seeking out men for sex.  They were easy to come by, a lot of them threw themselves to her.  Now, she considers herself bisexual.  She used to tell me she'll find a rich guy and we'd enjoy the spoils of his fortune together.  Odd. 

Part of it is rediscovering herself but under thrall of BPD.  I could never come to terms with how quickly she can find guys for sex.  After she slept with a man during one of our breakups, she told me the torch and fire in my eyes that I had for her was gone.  Well yeah, you just slept with a guy 24 hours prior to telling me you still love me and want to be with me forever.  So now that she has moved on for good it's been a smorgasbord of sausage for her.  So to me that woman I met is gone.

So if she is ever serious with a man, he will one day hear about me.  I'm sure she will blame me for everything.

[Trog]

As they don't care about looks (as in they will date an ugly person if low on supply, wealth, other personality disorders and are ruled by their personality disorder it stands to reason that many wont care about gender either. This is not about love or family as we know it, its about a large cataclysmic hole in their identity, huge trauma wounds that play out and need to be fulfilled in order to just live with themselves without cutting themselves or threatening suicide. Being a man or a woman . So what, supply is all that matters, supply to fill this chasm of need , anyone who will tolerate their behaviours and make them feel a certain way about themselves will do.

If their current preference of gender isnt available, no worries.

[Aussie0zborn]

My stbx uBPDw had a thing happening with her lesbian cousin from their teens to adulthood, I thought that was revolting but she tried to get her cousin into bed with us once - might have happened if her cousin didn't look like  a boy ;-) but I digress.

I asked numerous times if she was bi-sexual and she would always say no. The thing with her cousin was that her cousin would always hit onto her apparently and she is not once to say no to sex. That however doesn't explain the lesbian orgies her cousin hosted and she was a party to.

She always got big breasted women into bed with us and I would always ask if she was bisexual. She always said it was "a means to an end". I took that to mean that its doesn't matter what she does to get an orgasm as long as she got an orgasm.

Now that she accuses me of sexual abuse and "forcing" her to have threesomes, I understand what she meant by "a means to an end".

So was she bisexual? I don't know but she didn't mind who gave her an orgasm, as long as she got one (or three or four which was the minimum requirement).

[ropend]

As they don't care about looks (as in they will date an ugly person if low on supply, wealth, other personality disorders and are ruled by their personality disorder it stands to reason that many wont care about gender either. This is not about love or family as we know it, its about a large cataclysmic hole in their identity, huge trauma wounds that play out and need to be fulfilled in order to just live with themselves without cutting themselves or threatening suicide. Being a man or a woman . So what, supply is all that matters, supply to fill this chasm of need , anyone who will tolerate their behaviours and make them feel a certain way about themselves will do.

If their current preference of gender isnt available, no worries.

Sounds about right.

If the concept of self is warped enough it's hard to define someone in terms of sexuality.

[.cup.car]

The LGBT community has Gay Pride Festivals. There is no "straight pride parade." It's another group for them to insert themselves into in an effort to feel accepted.

They flip-flop between the two because of their instability.

[purpleavocado]

The LGBT community has Gay Pride Festivals. There is no "straight pride parade." It's another group for them to insert themselves into in an effort to feel accepted.

They flip-flop between the two because of their instability.

Are you serious? You realize this is a support board for people of all orientations, right? Not a place to air your perceptions of people who are different from you? Your comment is ignorant and uncalled for.