Long Distance Relationship in BPD?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm curious about something.  I've read several posts of people that had relationships with their BPD from other states or they lived several hours away.  How does that work with someone with BPD?  Don't they need someone around to constantly fill their needs?  How is that being done if they are dating someone they can't see/torture on a daily basis?

[kitkat]

I'm curious about something.  I've read several posts of people that had relationships with their BPD from other states or they lived several hours away.  How does that work with someone with BPD?  Don't they need someone around to constantly fill their needs?  How is that being done if they are dating someone they can't see/torture on a daily basis?

[oneflewover]

Once my ex husband and I separated/affair exposed thus began the borderline brutality.

We lived apart our entire push/pull separation.  He filled his needs with other women and I curled up and prayed.  Any disconnect from me, he came on so strong, so convincing, I hung around some more, curled up and praying.  In the course of our long separation and ultimate divorce post one year, we talked every single day, despite his other women, despite the black and white splitting.  Some days were madness.  Some days were joy.  Some days were hell.  Some days were numb.

When and only when, I decided that I wanted no more did it die.  No contact was the only way to stop the madness.   

[kitkat]

I am not having a relationship with him anymore - although he's been trying.  I also ended ours after I found out about an affair.  Just a couple weeks ago - I heard from a friend that he has a new gf that lives about 3 hours away.  I now know that this current gf was going on while we were together although I didn't even know about her.  I found out about a different one.  Of course it bothers me that he has a new gf already even though I know that is the MO.  But I sit here wondering, will she get all the "best" of him since she won't be exposed to him on a daily basis.  If they aren't able to form that emotional connection - there will be no BPD outlash?

Don't get me wrong. I'm out and staying out.  I now see him for what he really is and I didn't see any of that before.  I had a solid month of NC with occasional re-engages from him but they intensified Labor Day Weekend.  I'm guessing something happend w/new gf otherwise why wouldn't you be spending a 3-day weekend together? 

Just wondering - if you aren't around them all the time - can the BPD still come out?  I know he is probably cheating on her w/some local girl to get his needs filled.  But how can someone with BPD maintain a long distance relationship?

[oneflewover]

Just wondering - if you aren't around them all the time - can the BPD still come out?  I know he is probably cheating on her w/some local girl to get his needs filled.  But how can someone with BPD maintain a long distance relationship?

I am here to tell you that yes, it can.  I was punished for not being nearby.

[Pincushion]

Q:  Don't they need someone around to constantly fill their needs?  How is that being done if they are dating someone they can't see/torture on a daily basis?

A (courtesy of onefewover): He filled his needs with other women.  That's how they do it.  Actually, even in near-distance relationships, they almost always try to have "back-ups" available (or are trying to cultivate them).

[turtle]

I have no clue how a LDR would work with a BPD.  

After crazyx and I split, he moved (in quite a rush - ) to another state.  Before he got 30 minutes from here, he was already on the phone, begging me to take him back - and those begging calls continued every 30 minutes as he drove about 24 hours.  Maybe it wasn't 24 hours, but it sure seemed like an eternity -- all those darn calls and pathetic messages every 30 minutes.

Once he reached his destination, the ONLY thing in his mind was getting me to say I wanted him to come back here (which I never did.)  He HATED that he could no longer monitor me 24/7.  I know that if I had said "yes, I want to be back in a relationship with you," he would've turned right around and driven all the way back here.  His need to be WITH me and monitor all of my activities was far too great for him to stay in a different state.  I would think this would be true for most BPD's -- they need to be present so they can control you better!  

Although, Oneflew's description of her husband's activities sound plausible too!  I suppose if they think they can control you from from afar, they'll do it -- and yes, as OneFlew says, they'll use geography as a reason to punish you.  Why not?  They use every other darn thing to punish, geography shouldn't be excluded -- They are SOO exhausting.

Turtle

[kitkat]

It is all so very crazy.  When he showed up at my house uninvited after his re-engages didn't work - he was trying to get me back.  I told him I know about the new gf.  Then I said - You will never change.  You are willing to cheat on her with me just like you cheated on me with her!  His response - "We don't have that kind of a relationship."  Hmmmm- wonder if new gf knows that!

I know you all are right.  He will torture her for not being able to fill his needs just like I couldn't and I tried every day.  I'm sure she'll get it for not picking up his calls, not returning them quickly enough, not responding to texts in a timely fashion, not dropping everything to drive up here to see him, not talking to him on the phone for 4 hours a night, etc. etc.

I was constanly expected to jump through hoops to prove my love to him and I tried.  I did what I thought would make him happy.  I knew what he expected of me and I really tried to keep him happy and avoid the rage or silent treatments.  As we all know - it couldn't be done.  I could never prove my love enough and no one ever will.

I'm just still perplexed by the LDR.  Does the distance take some of the pressure off of them to perform?  There seem to be so many people on these boards that had LDR w/a BPD and I just don't get why someone with BPD would seek out somone not close to them.  Sure - they can have countless affairs w/no fear of getting caught - but if they want a relationship - why pick someone somewhat unattainable?

[freebuthurting]

Mine was states away.  We talked on the phone every night for hours, or at least on instant messenger.  Little did I know he was simultaneously talking to some new girl he found online.  Every night we said I love you and I miss you and talked like we were a couple, and one night he told me he went out with that other girl.  All of a sudden he was In Love.  He still wanted to talk to me as friends but it was too torturous for me hearing about how perfect she was and how compatible they were and how attractive she was.  I counseled him through their first mini-fight but after that I was done.  I went no contact almost a month ago and he has not even tried to contact me.  I assume this means his new relationship is going fabulously.  He said he was going to go slowly with her but he already has called himself "unreservedly complete" after being with her for like two weeks, and next thing I knew he spent a week with her somewhere. 

The long distance thing worked for a bunch of months, but he couldn't be alone for too long.  He also couldn't take the time to get over me, if he even really loved me at all, before he dove right into another serious relationship.  I was with him four and a half years, and he told me he learned from all the mistakes he made with me and now was going to treat this new girl like gold.  Gee, thanks.  She gets the best of him after I suffered through his verbal abuse and moodiness for years. 

[back2reality]

Good question kitkat.  I have often wondered about this myself.

I actually have come to believe that my xbf was in a LDR the entire time I was with him.  When I met him he told me about her... .told me she was his BFF and they had a sister-brother type of relationship and he considered her family.  He said that they've known each other for a really long time (since they were 15 or 16 and they're both 36 now!), and they were just really good friends and always have been just friends and was very clear that she had NEVER been his girlfriend.  He assured me that I had nothing to worry about because if they wanted to be together then they would've by now.  Well his story about her and his history with her started to become very, VERY inconsistent throughout our relationship.  I should mention that she lives in the same state with his kids and in fact prior to moving here, he lived with her for about 2 years, but of course only as friends  :.  He basically had a breakdown and she took him on a temporary basis, but we all know how that works and it turned into a 2 year stint.  He told me he felt indebted to her for all she had done for him as a friend.  He moved here because he had got another woman pregnant!  Otherwise, they'd probably still be living together 5 years later.  I started to become suspicious of their friendship and for very good reasons because the inconsistencies about her were always there.  For example, when I met him she was still paying for his cell phone bill... .red flag #1!  When he would go visit his kids, he would go stay with her and use her car.  I later found a video of him, her, and his children having a good ol time at Universal Studios on a day I specifically remember him raging at me then ignoring all my calls the rest of the day.  That one hurt!  When he was "visiting his kids" he would always ALWAYS paint me black.  Then I find out that they talk on the phone every single day on top of the 100 text exchanges, but yet he used tell me that they hardly talk!  On his birthday I found a text from her that said, "I love you and I miss you.  Happy Bday!"  He used the she's like family excuse and I bought that BS!  I also later found a poem that said she misses waking up to him everday and all this romantic stuff that obviously showed they were not living together as just friends or roommates.  I even found a letter that referenced her as his girlfriend at the time!  Then I find out that they also lived together another time a long time ago.  Told me they never had sex but that changed to they tried it only a few times, but it's been YEARS since they've slept together.  All in all EVERYTHING told me that they were in a relationship.  A part of me doubted and used to wonder why she would put up with such a relationship cause she probably only saw him like 2 or 3 times a year, but then I look at what I've put up with so why wouldn't she put up with that?  In fact, she's lucky that she didn't have deal with him on a daily basis like I had to!  When he used to go visit his kids, I could barely function because I knew he was with her, but he would lie about staying with her.  He would tell me he was staying at his Mom's house or his male friend's house, but my GUT knew it was all BS.  Then he would rage at me the entire duration of his trips and twisting the entire situation around on me by saying that I had a problem visiting his kids.  He would tell me once he got back that yes in fact he was staying with her, but didn't want to tell me cause he knew I'd make a big deal out of it and it's not.  How is that NOT a big deal?  Just thinking of how cold he would be with me when he was with her still kind of stings.  I also think he used to tell her the same exact that he used to tell me about her... .that I was just a friend helping him out and that I was his roommate.  He used to encourage me to call her to confirm his story, but I felt that she was so brainwashed that she wouldn't tell me the truth anyway and just say whatever he told her to say!  Did I mention she's never had a boyfriend since she was 16?  Every single time he went the entire trip would turn ugly and we'd end up barely speaking to each other and he would end up extending his trips and threatening to not come back to deal with my BS!  It was a nightmare!  Of course there were times he painted her black too.  Saying how stupid she is and that's why he would never be with her and he actually feels sorry for her because she's so clueless and almost has to be in her life.  Ugh, whatever!

I hope I didn't threadjack, but I felt like it was revelant because I honestly believe he was in a LDR with this woman.  The scary part was that he did this with EASE!

[wannabhappy]

I was in a LDR with the BPD for 7 months before we moved to the same town. It worked reasonably well due to the fact I guess that it was the honeymoonphase, we had internet, the fact that we were just 3 hours by train away from each other and the fact that he was living close to his exwife with whom he has kids. So she was (and is) still subjected to his evil moods and demands (I ve seen the way he treated her like servant... I feel so stupid about that now) and had to council/comfort him in distress or through our fights    

It was tiring not only because we could only see each other during the weekends but also because during the week I was spending most of my time on the web with him. He would come home from work, put on the webcam and leave it on the whole evening and night asking me to do the same so he could see me prepare diner, read a book, watch tv or fall asleep etc and vice versa. After the weekend he would leave on monday morning very early to take the train back. Everything would be great until Thursday eve cos by that time the physical distance would get to him and we would get into terrible fights online. He would dump the garbage on me blaming me, telling me he was not satisfied with the situation (he wanted to move to my town, but as we just started dating I did not want him to do that, leaving his job and abandoning his kids, I did not want him to make me pay for that ´sacrifice´) etc etc almost every Thursday eve. I thought back then that the memory of our nights together lasted 3 to 4 days before he would get too anxious with missing me. Thought he had a very demanding libido or something  : By the time the weekend started we always had to fix´this weeks thursdaynightsdrama´ first with make-up sex before starting the weekend    I don´t understand anymore how I lived through that.  ?

[hunter]

Although we were both married, we pretended we were working towards being together someday. Being married we very seldom spent time alone together. Most of the relationship was email, text and phone calls. I worked with this woman until she got fired. After that it was like a LDR. From my observation, she got her needs met from the male employees and the delivery people that stopped at the store. She almost always wore low cut tops so all the men would have to stop by her desk every day to check out her rack. After she was fired, one customer even said her was upset because now he couldn't come in to see her boobs. When I brought this up to her see was shocked, as she didn't feel she dressed that trashy.

It was my job to boost her ego, but not too much because that made her uncomfortable. Most of the time she called me was because she was mad at someone or something. Once because she got caught in the rain when she was stopping at a bar with some friends and she had a white top on and everything showed through. Once because the Beauty shop screwed up her appointment and she had to get her pedicure from a new girl. The new girl didn't cut her toenails short enough and now it would affect her running. Another time because her inlaws were in a bind and needed a place to stay and her husband offered their hose for the night. She was irate how unfair that was to her becuse of the extra work she would have to do to get the house ready. You get the picture. She never called just to see how I was doing.

We got along ok until I dared ask about the relationship. Then she would threaten to be done and always need time to think about it. This would deflect attention from the question and it never would get resolved. This pattern continued until the end. 

[kitkat]

Freebuthurting - I don't think you have to worry about the fact that he "learned from all the mistakes he made with you".  He didn't learn anything because he never did anything wrong.  Trust me - new gf will get the same treatment you got.   I think that is what a lot of us fear.  We spent years trying to "fix" them and now the new person is going to get the new and improved version.  But I think we know from the thousands of people on these boards - that isn't happening or we all wouldn't be here.  Wouldn't someone else have "fixed" them by now?  They are who they are.

b2r - that certainly sounds like a relationship.  It's so creepy to think they can live these double lives.  I now wonder how long this current affair was going on while we were together.  When you talked about him raging so he could go out of town.  Mine did that all the time.  He would purposely start a fight so he could storm off and pout all weekend.  Now I'm wondering if it was so he could go out of town for the weekend.  I bet you're right.  He was telling that girl that you were just a friend too.  But they always get caught in their lies.  I always had inconsistencies too.  Nothing huge and I could never put my finger on it but several times knew something wasn't right. 

Wannabhappy - so he still needed you during the week.  That's what I wondered about.  I just don't see how a LDR would work for someone like that.  Obviously in your case it didn't and that is the reason.  He would get anxious from the separation and needed you around more often. 

Hunter - sounds like she got her needs filled by letting you be the dumping ground for everything bad that happened to her.  Not a very even relationship.  I can somewhat relate.  Every conversation with me and xBPDbf was about him.  He talked about himself constantly - non stop.  Rarely asked about me.  I would ask about work, his kids, etc.  He never did.  They are all so self absorbed. 

[wannabhappy]

I think that is what a lot of us fear.  We spent years trying to "fix" them and now the new person is going to get the new and improved version. 

My ex even used that to keep me on board! He would go on and on about how much he already changed with me, how much we already had accomplished together, how much progress he had made, and now that he was in therapy he was going to fix all the things that were a problem to me so; ¨please dont leave me now and have somebody else benefit from all our hard work¨ blabla   

If his exwife ever feared that I would benefit the new him, she must have had some sorta weird relieve/comfort when she saw us deteriorating full speed within months after he had thrown our ´perfect´love thousand ways in her face. I pray for her sometimes, she has young kids with him, no arrangement in any form of ´who has the kids when´ and he lives around the corner of her house... .

back to LDR... .

[oneflewover]

Although, Oneflew's description of her husband's activities sound plausible too!  I suppose if they think they can control you from from afar, they'll do it -- and yes, as OneFlew says, they'll use geography as a reason to punish you.  Why not?  They use every other darn thing to punish, geography shouldn't be excluded -- They are SOO exhausting.

Geography = punishment

"Well it's not like YOU are going to move here."

(Well then why did you move away from me in the first place?)

"I am going to find a woman who is not afraid to move to China with me."

(Bye-Bye)

"What else am I suppose to do, I have needs."

(I have no needs too ya know)

It's a whole new way to punish... .

[Unicorn]

Im hoping that LDR might be the key to the final break-up.  Next year my uBPH is heading off overseas.  He keeps at me to go with him ... .but not in your life will I be doing that.  I dont really wish him badly, its just I want to regain my sanity.  Its all been so hard.  At the moment things have been reasonable for 4wks.  I think its cause he's been taking meds consistently and very little alcohol.  As far as how a BP survives even if the 'loved one' is not in the same place.  I think I know.  Constantly phoning and texting.  We are their 'backup plan'.  Also, my H has lots of male friends that fill the void for narcisstic supply.  He doesnt really need me for that anymore, as I give so little reinforcement that way.  I barely react to any of it.  He has 'replaced' me so many times with male friends, that I think he may be gay and in denial.  Really - I thought about this alot.  He hardly even initiated sex in our relationship.  It was really driven by me.  He'd always say... .Im coming to bed soon, and then wait for me to fall asleep.  I really think he avoided it.  Yep - I think they can survive in different locations to us, cause as long as on the 'surface' we're still together.  Thats all thats needed.    Through 4+ yrs of a hell in our marriage, my H has never confided in any of his friends or family, whats going on.  He just pretends our M is good.  Its trully bizarre!

[Whitefang]

Oh hell YES they can.  In some ways the BPD is worse because there's always the real threat of them giving a non the "silent treatment" when you're stuck 1000s/mi away with your head about to screw off wondering What the heck could be "wrong" with them.  Unanswered texts, emails, calls, unable to reach them for days, contemplating spending $ on a flight just to find them home "pouting" or some other bs.  LDR + BPD = total hell.

[Marble]

I posted a subject very similar to this a few days ago. I was in a LD r/s with a BPD for a few months before he decided to break up with me unexpectedly. You can't help who you meet and who you fall in love with. I met him on a weekend getaway, and the relationship grew very rapidly and intensely from that point forward. We were 12 hours apart, but practically inseparable.

I had a very hard time coming to the conclusion that my ex has BPD, given the fact that maybe he was normal and I just screwed up. Reality set in, however. After reading a few posts, I realized that it is much easier for them to mask their true selves when they live so far away. I picked up on his BPD traits here and there, but it wasn't until after our break up that I was able to put it all together. My ex was basically living a double life - had an ex-wife, a child that I had no idea about, that he did not own his own home like he said (living with brother), declared bankruptcy, extensive legal history, etc... .I could go on and on. He hid everything from me. Had I lived in the same city, I would have been able to witness all of the skeletons in his closet. However, once it became to close for comfort, as I started to question why he would not allow me to come and visit him, he ended the relationship. He knew that if I came to his city, I would find out many of his secrets... .everything that he was trying to hide.

Oh hell YES they can.  In some ways the BPD is worse because there's always the real threat of them giving a non the "silent treatment" when you're stuck 1000s/mi away with your head about to screw off wondering WTH could be "wrong" with them.  Unanswered texts, emails, calls, unable to reach them for days, contemplating spending $ on a flight just to find them home "pouting" or some other bs.  LDR + BPD = total hell.

Whitefang - I too, was the victim of the silent treatment many times. It was debilitating. For days on end, I wouldn't hear from, and would constantly blame myself... .as if I did something to cause it. I couldn't just show up at his door step. I would have had to hop on a plane just to be with him. I was so miserable during those times, as I couldn't understand what the hell I did to cause him to be so cruel to me. It was unbearable, and as sad as I am that it is over, I am happy to say that I don't miss being treated like ___ one bit.

All in all, I think LD r/s make it easy for them to freely be the miserable people that they are without the fear of being exposed. He had no problem stringing me along, and to this day, I am disgusted by it.

[RedRightAnkle]

I feel like when a r/s starts long distance, it's better than being together and then going LD. From the very start, I knew I was going out of state for college, and he knew that too. That threat of abandonment was always looming over him - he brought it up so many times to guilt trip me. Looking back I honestly think the reason the ___ hit the fan so quickly in our r/s is because he always knew I would be leaving. He managed to stay attached to me after I left, but did focus his attention on another girl to chase after but never date. So yes, they do always need SOMEBODY physically there.

When I came home and we got back together, he promised he would be willing to make a LDR work (because I transferred to a school that was closer, but still in another state). Once again, I don't think he would have ever been up for it. His own "best friend" told me not to stay with him when I went to school. "He WILL cheat on you," he told me. If his own friend is saying that, then I know it would have been inevitable. I mean hell, he was already having an emotional affair/triangulation (read definition) with another girl while we were still together... .if I was another state away, he could do whatever he wanted!

[Marble]

they do always need SOMEBODY physically there.[/b]

RedRightAnkle - I confirmed so much after our break up, but I never found out whether there was another woman involved. I suspected it, as he only wanted to see me on business trips, and when I would suggest coming to his city, he would somehow change the subject, or instantly invite me to his next trip. After the break up, I assumed that he had obligations (the child that I found out about after the break up), and since he was divorced, he probably had custody on weekends. I rarely heard from him on weekends.

You are right, though. I'm sure there was another woman waiting in the wings... .I just didn't know about it. It was so easy for him to dump me and move on, and since they need that attachment, he is too emotionally immature to end the r/s w/ me, had there not been another woman. He would have held on tight, as nothing was really wrong in the first place. We were actually happy, so I thought.

[Whitefang]

MARBLE: 

Those LD silent treatments ARE the worst.  Seems like if she decides to "disappear" (sometimes during text or even call convos), I naturally find myself "chasing" - just to give the benefit of doubt that something really COULD be wrong.  After almost 2yrs of this, I don't shoot myself in the foot as often.  I've been unable to stress to her enough that I despise this bs & its completely rude.  For instance, I've suggested if she ever just needs "time away", TELL ME so I'm in on this too - instead of wasting days to finally "figure out" :  yes, I'm just being ignored again (with no warning). 

I've never been a worrying-type or a guy who feels the need to "check up" on my woman BUT when I know she's reckless, accident-prone, frequently has bad cell service & spends a few x/mo in the ER for various maladies, YES, I DO get concerned.  Match this with the fact she's decided to change her # on me several times (just to piss me off apparently) & this contributes to the living hell I mentioned.

I've been painted black for 8mos now but she does just enough to keep me on the hook.  My idea of a logical "solution" is to deal with everything face-to-face, in person, & have offered to go to her many times.  She won't have it.  Let me also say on rare occasions when we actually talk on the phone or together in person, she is a totally different person that the one who treats me like total sh1t via written correspondence.  Its almost the LDR keeps me held in a prison where she's allowed to edit any & all responses, select what she chooses to respond to/answer.  In general, she's incredibly sweet/compliant towards me when we really do talk.  I think that's the reason she avoids it too:  more suseptability & vulnerability where she can't hide. 

I often think closing the distance gap could settle things BUT after reading how BPDs can/will just continue to ignore sometimes under the same roof, I'm beginning to doubt I'll ever get my answers. 

In summary:  I think a LDR may actually cause a BPD to thrive bc they're seldom required to actually FACE you on a daily basis.  It prolongs their soul-milking game. 

[Willy]

MARBLE:  

Those LD silent treatments ARE the worst.  Seems like if she decides to "disappear" (sometimes during text or even call convos), I naturally find myself "chasing" - just to give the benefit of doubt that something really COULD be wrong.  After almost 2yrs of this, I don't shoot myself in the foot as often.  I've been unable to stress to her enough that I despise this bs & its completely rude.  For instance, I've suggested if she ever just needs "time away", TELL ME so I'm in on this too - instead of wasting days to finally "figure out" :  yes, I'm just being ignored again (with no warning).  

I've never been a worrying-type or a guy who feels the need to "check up" on my woman BUT when I know she's reckless, accident-prone, frequently has bad cell service & spends a few x/mo in the ER for various maladies, YES, I DO get concerned.  Match this with the fact she's decided to change her # on me several times (just to piss me off apparently) & this contributes to the living hell I mentioned.  

100% exactly the same. Not to mention if I didn't reply within two hours, I was playing games.

[RedRightAnkle]

RedRightAnkle - I confirmed so much after our break up, but I never found out whether there was another woman involved. I suspected it, as he only wanted to see me on business trips, and when I would suggest coming to his city, he would somehow change the subject, or instantly invite me to his next trip. After the break up, I assumed that he had obligations (the child that I found out about after the break up), and since he was divorced, he probably had custody on weekends. I rarely heard from him on weekends.

You are right, though. I'm sure there was another woman waiting in the wings... .I just didn't know about it. It was so easy for him to dump me and move on, and since they need that attachment, he is too emotionally immature to end the r/s w/ me, had there not been another woman. He would have held on tight, as nothing was really wrong in the first place. We were actually happy, so I thought.

Nothing may have happened between him and another woman exactly, but there may have been SOMEONE he was being attentive to without you around. The fact that he moved on so quickly also suggests he was working someone over in the meantime, before you even broke up. I'm really sorry   

When I was in California, he was hanging out and mirroring this other girl - but he never dated her. He was trying to lure me back in the entire time, but I think just to fulfill his instant gratification of somebody to chase and physically not be alone he went after her. They need somebody to mirror, someone they can be around so that they can have an identity... .without somebody else they don't feel real.

And whitefang - closing the distance probably wouldn't make much difference. As you've heard that they can treat you the same under the same roof, my ex gave me all of the same silent treatments and such, and we lived about 2 miles apart from each other. And I do agree that they thrive when they START long distance - if you ever have to become long distance, it's a disaster.

[unicorn2014]

I have no clue how a LDR would work with a BPD. 

After crazyx and I split, he moved (in quite a rush - ) to another state.  Before he got 30 minutes from here, he was already on the phone, begging me to take him back - and those begging calls continued every 30 minutes as he drove about 24 hours.  Maybe it wasn't 24 hours, but it sure seemed like an eternity -- all those darn calls and pathetic messages every 30 minutes.

Once he reached his destination, the ONLY thing in his mind was getting me to say I wanted him to come back here (which I never did.)  He HATED that he could no longer monitor me 24/7.  I know that if I had said "yes, I want to be back in a relationship with you," he would've turned right around and driven all the way back here.  His need to be WITH me and monitor all of my activities was far too great for him to stay in a different state.  I would think this would be true for most BPD's -- they need to be present so they can control you better! 

Although, Oneflew's description of her husband's activities sound plausible too!  I suppose if they think they can control you from from afar, they'll do it -- and yes, as OneFlew says, they'll use geography as a reason to punish you.  Why not?  They use every other darn thing to punish, geography shouldn't be excluded -- They are SOO exhausting.

Turtle

Can I ask you a question? Why did he want to monitor your activities?

[Vatz]

Mine was about an hour drive away. In another state, but not far from where I lived.

I'd see her on the weekends and sometimes We would be on the phone or Skype every night. I actually had no problem being away for days. Yes, its nice seeing the person every day for a while. But I need a break every so often to be alone. I didn't care for phone and Skype. If I was alone, I preferred to keep to my own business. Arguing over the phone was the worst.

Anyway, her whole "I need someone" thing was bothersome and probably why she had her affairs. I guess being a bit independent and that alone wouldn't have meshed we with someone who needs more closeness. Much less a disordered a person who literally couldn't handle being alone.

There was one thing that drove me up the wall. Sometimes she would text me and end it with DNR as in do not respond. Sometimes I assumed she did it because shed either be on the phone or having sex with someone else. I know that might seem a tad paranoid. I didn't text her that much to begin with. I may have had a few periods where I really just wanted to goof around via text, but that wasnt every day. I gave her plenty of space.

[unicorn2014]

Mine was about an hour drive away. In another state, but not far from where I lived.

I'd see her on the weekends and sometimes We would be on the phone or Skype every night. I actually had no problem being away for days. Yes, its nice seeing the person every day for a while. But I need a break every so often to be alone. I didn't care for phone and Skype. If I was alone, I preferred to keep to my own business. Arguing over the phone was the worst.

Anyway, her whole "I need someone" thing was bothersome and probably why she had her affairs. I guess being a bit independent and that alone wouldn't have meshed we with someone who needs more closeness. Much less a disordered a person who literally couldn't handle being alone.

How were you able to create alone time for yourself?

[fromheeltoheal]

Wow, a thread from 2008 has been revitalized, how cool.

And it gave me a flashback.  My ex lived hundreds of miles from me for a big chunk of the relationship, and somehow it didn't seem to matter, because I'd get 30 or 40 texts a day and we'd talk on the phone most days.  It took me a while to realize she was not the same person in person as she was by text, or even phone, in fact I didn't like the real one near as much, and I've learned that's common.  I also learned that a smartphone is a borderline's dream, an attachment gadget she could carry around all day and have ongoing conversations, so she never felt alone, although I have no idea how she got any work done.  And yes, of course it was plural, conversations, she had a herd of suitors on her electronic leash, and I'm no longer embarrassed to admit I was one of them.  And taking it a step further, remembering a borderline is constantly battling the conflicting fears of abandonment and engulfment, technology allows her to keep the emotions at arm's length, which is a way to soothe and manage; someone's close but not too close.

But the main issue is me.  Relationship by smartphone is nothing compared to a real one, as we know, and why did I mistake it for one?  Because short, written messages leave big gaps in communication, so my head filled in the blanks, to make a relationship between my ears just awesome, too bad it didn't exist in the real world.  Note to self: there is no substitute for physical time spent together, and more importantly, keeping my feet on the ground and noticing what's going on in the real relationship is critical, otherwise things get very, very painful.

[Vatz]

Mine was about an hour drive away. In another state, but not far from where I lived.

I'd see her on the weekends and sometimes We would be on the phone or Skype every night. I actually had no problem being away for days. Yes, its nice seeing the person every day for a while. But I need a break every so often to be alone. I didn't care for phone and Skype. If I was alone, I preferred to keep to my own business. Arguing over the phone was the worst.

Anyway, her whole "I need someone" thing was bothersome and probably why she had her affairs. I guess being a bit independent and that alone wouldn't have meshed we with someone who needs more closeness. Much less a disordered a person who literally couldn't handle being alone.

How were you able to create alone time for yourself?

Well considering for some years we were technically LDR, which I said I would never do (before I met her) but close enough for me to make the trip to see her regularly. The distance and did most of the work for me.

I created free time by telling her from the start that I can only get on the phone after a certain hour. I'd let most calls go to voicemail before then. If she bombed my phone I'd answer. But also every so often I'd fib and tell her I'm about to go to sleep or that I had to run an errand so I could be alone. But when visiting I wanted to spend most of the time next to her.

When we were actually under the same roof, soon as we got internet she was on Skype all the time and I was doing my own thing. We spend less time "together" in the same home than we did in different states. It sucked.

Not sure if that answered your question.

[unicorn2014]

Wow, a thread from 2008 has been revitalized, how cool.

And it gave me a flashback.  My ex lived hundreds of miles from me for a big chunk of the relationship, and somehow it didn't seem to matter, because I'd get 30 or 40 texts a day and we'd talk on the phone most days.  It took me a while to realize she was not the same person in person as she was by text, or even phone, in fact I didn't like the real one near as much, and I've learned that's common.  I also learned that a smartphone is a borderline's dream, an attachment gadget she could carry around all day and have ongoing conversations, so she never felt alone, although I have no idea how she got any work done.  And yes, of course it was plural, conversations, she had a herd of suitors on her electronic leash, and I'm no longer embarrassed to admit I was one of them.  And taking it a step further, remembering a borderline is constantly battling the conflicting fears of abandonment and engulfment, technology allows her to keep the emotions at arm's length, which is a way to soothe and manage; someone's close but not too close.

But the main issue is me.  Relationship by smartphone is nothing compared to a real one, as we know, and why did I mistake it for one?  Because short, written messages leave big gaps in communication, so my head filled in the blanks, to make a relationship between my ears just awesome, too bad it didn't exist in the real world.  Note to self: there is no substitute for physical time spent together, and more importantly, keeping my feet on the ground and noticing what's going on in the real relationship is critical, otherwise things get very, very painful.

Thanks for this. I resurrected it because I am in a LDR with someone who has BPD traits , they say don't have the disorder. I agree with you about the smartphone, it can be very frustrating.

[apollotech]

LDR relationships can work with them because they are never alone. As fromheeltoheal pointed out, due to electronics we are in an era of easily accessable, readily available communication; as a result, no one has to be alone. A person with a personality disorder can quickly build hundreds of these quasi friendships/relationships via electronic devices. I read an interesting article the other day about how social media is a Mecca for people with personality disorders. FB, in particular, is a big net, very efficient at catching many fish per cast.

[unicorn2014]

LDR relationships can work with them because they are never alone. As fromheeltoheal pointed out, due to electronics we are in an era of easily accessable, readily available communication; as a result, no one has to be alone. A person with a personality disorder can quickly build hundreds of these quasi friendships/relationships via electronic devices. I read an interesting article the other day about how social media is a Mecca for people with personality disorders. FB, in particular, is a big net, very efficient at catching many fish per cast.

Can you link that article here?