FAQ: Lack of esteem: Do many with BPD consider themselves as "Damaged Goods"?

[BPDFamily.com]

Somewhere on the boards I read about a BPD SO describing herself as "damaged goods."  That took me back to the seeming hundreds of times when my uBPDxw used the same terminology.  The response of the writer on the boards was the same as mine always was: reassuring my ex that she was fine, that she was not damaged goods, etc.  I am wondering if that is a particularly BPD thing to say about oneself - recognizing that one is not OK, though not willing to actually admit to mental illness.  It is ironic to me that my exw talked throughout our marriage of her college beau who she said was smart enough to figure out that she was Damaged Goods (implication: I was not that smart?) and not marry her.  Now that we have divorced, they have re-united after 30 years and will probably be married soon.  (Who's smart now?)   

[Concerned Dad in NY]

Somewhere on the boards I read about a BPD SO describing herself as "damaged goods."  That took me back to the seeming hundreds of times when my uBPDxw used the same terminology.  The response of the writer on the boards was the same as mine always was: reassuring my ex that she was fine, that she was not damaged goods, etc.  I am wondering if that is a particularly BPD thing to say about oneself - recognizing that one is not OK, though not willing to actually admit to mental illness.  It is ironic to me that my exw talked throughout our marriage of her college beau who she said was smart enough to figure out that she was Damaged Goods (implication: I was not that smart?) and not marry her.  Now that we have divorced, they have re-united after 30 years and will probably be married soon.  (Who's smart now?)   

[Joshua]

I can't speak from any authority at all, but my BP friend often made the same or similar remarks about herself. She often used this kind of terminology when talking about her own past (which was rather horrific). In the sense that she used it, she was like a piece of merchandise that had been manhandled and broken; no one would "want to purchase damaged goods" (ie, no one would really want her as she is because there was so much past trauma).

[phin]

I remember talking to my wife (now separated) years ago about religion, churches, beliefs etc.  She told me she never thought she was good enough to go to church. 

[Peaceful.]

My uBPDw refers to herself as being "broken", but never has referred to "borderline".

[arjay]

... .In the heat of a terrible arguement, "I" made the mistake of saying she is "damaged from her childhood" (in my dumb way I was trying to tell her she was hurt), she slammed me against the wall like a linebacker from a pro football team... .never did that again, no matter how upset I was... .

[Randi Kreger]

The answer to the question posed of this thread is "yes."

[stpmom]

My stpD says that she has been sick for a long time.  I generaly ask when is she planning on getting better?

[Steph]

 Yep... .there is a strong sense inside... its part of the diagnosis, of being broken and bad. This is where the behaviors stem from.

Interestingly, for me, now that my H has recovered, he no longer feels broken. He says he has the usual amount of struggles, like everyone else, and has his good days and not as good days and he feels good about himself. He was in DBT for 3+ yrs, was always a very high functioning person ( very)  and his sense of badness was very, very strong before he got help.

Steph

[arjay]

He was in DBT for 3+ yrs, was always a very high functioning person ( very)  and his sense of badness was very, very strong before he got help.

Just curious what made him finally seek help and what was your role during this time, or were you even together at the time?  My counselor suggested that counseling works best when they are alone, and free from additional problems that can occur during relationships.  Just interested... .

Thanks

[Hannahbanana]

Yep... .there is a strong sense inside... its part of the diagnosis, of being broken and bad. This is where the behaviors stem from.

Interestingly, for me, now that my H has recovered, he no longer feels broken. He says he has the usual amount of struggles, like everyone else, and has his good days and not as good days and he feels good about himself. He was in DBT for 3+ yrs, was always a very high functioning person ( very)  and his sense of badness was very, very strong before he got help.

Steph

I'd love to know if borderlines who do seem to function better with treatment, do so when they have a supportive partner and perhaps it's those who do not have that fleet in and out of therapy and never seem to recover.  I remember my ex saying to me that he did not think anyone believed in him and felt he lacked support from family etc growing up, so i wonder if it makes a huge difference to recovery rates if you have someone by your side rooting for you throughout it.  I know i was just told that they never recover, but i do know that different psychiatrists have differing opinions on this and i am a great advocate of therapy as opposed to medication with mental health and i would love to see some stats on people who do recover somewhat and whether they are single during recovery or not.

[Hannahbanana]

He was in DBT for 3+ yrs, was always a very high functioning person ( very)  and his sense of badness was very, very strong before he got help.

Just curious what made him finally seek help and what was your role during this time, or were you even together at the time?  My counselor suggested that counseling works best when they are alone, and free from additional problems that can occur during relationships.  Just interested... .

Thanks

Whoopsie, looks like we had the same question here

[tammy]

I think my BPD daughter had always felt "broken" or responsible for "breaking" other people... .she seemed to be drawn to situations that would reinforce these feelings. She blamed other people because then she didn't have to shoulder the burden of "repairing" herself. She's been doing better for a few months working very hard at regulating her emotions... .she had a horrible experience last month involving an ex and domestic violence and still managed to remain focused, strong, rational and amazingly calm... .She says she feels strong and is mending now so the funny thing is this guy she's been dating for about 6 weeks gave his mom a bit of background on my daughter and his mom said; "she's damaged goods".  The woman's never met my daughter and I honestly don't know what her son said but even her saying that didn't send my daughter off (which normally it would)... .I think it made her more determined! Ha!

I think it's essential that people be supportive but that the BDP carry the load... .part of the feeling broken aspect is they don't feel like we believe they can do it... .I say lots of encouraging positive things but she gets to own the accomplishments as well as the setbacks!

[Crazy Love]

Wow!

Yes, I've heard this come from my uBPDw's lips.

And comments she makes about a variety of things in day to day life--when looked at carefully--reveal this perspective in a distinct pattern. Nothwithstanding her bouyant and "never met a stranger" personality, once I began seeing thought the shell and intepreting  the negative perspective, it is downright disturbing and depressing.

Last summer in what I would call an intoxicated "near breakdown" she sobbingly explained that 20+ years ago when we met she saw me as this pure, kind, gentle, perfect person who would protect and save her. [I wish she had shared this with me at that time--as I could have cleared things up that--even if I had some of those traits, I was not voluntarily signing up to protect and save anyone]

As our lives began spinning downward about 10 years ago (including the deaths of her brother, mom and dad, and her losing her job, etc. etc., us being unable to "keep up with the Jones'" she began to see that I was not, in fact, her salvation.

[TonyC]

i always hoped... .i would see her say... .show   something about damaged goods.never happened

3 plus years therapy... .3 plus years meds...   3 plus years... .pych...

and a suidcide attemp... .

never thought it was her... .it was everyone else...

she went off to live with a guy... for nine months then a suicide attempt i was to be the rescuer on...

it was my fault... .because i walked away and forced her to move with new guy... .

she never took a lookin in the mirror... .

[bewildered2]

yes, but they won't admit it to you.

to admit it would mean admitting that they aren't perfect. and they can't do that, because, in their mind, if they're not perfect then you'd leave them.

so, they perfect the art of projecting the "tough chick persona" (in the case of a female borderline), and blame everything on their s.o.  they act strong, but they're weak. they act independent, but they're lonely and needy. everything always goes wrong, and they know it will work out that way because it always works out that way, they know they're not good at relationships, and yet... .they still blame you. 

b2

[peacebaby]

My DBPDSO has serious issues with feeling like broken, damaged goods. And from a certain way of looking at it, she indeed is. She didn't get much love or attention while developing, was told she was useless and bad by most of her family members, only met her father once, had her sexuality stolen from her and dirtied before she was ten years old, has PTSD/BPD/PMDD so her brain is half-broken, and a history of bad relationships and bad friendships. If that's not damaged goods, i don't know what is, and pretending to her that I don't get why she feels that way wouldn't help her. However, as I make clear to her, it hasn't changed the core of who she is, a kind, loving person. Therapy helps her, DBT is about to help her, and being loved and appreciated by me helps her.


Peacebaby