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What is the biology of the break-up... The intensity of the pain may be what compels some spurned lovers to do just about anything to make the hurt go away -- and that includes a host of unhealthy things ranging from demonizing their ex-partner, to excessive anger, to bashing whole groups of people.
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Author Topic: How did your relationship evolve?  (Read 22870 times)
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« Reply #40 on: September 19, 2011, 08:43:07 AM »

and I also truly see that she really is a pathetic person who is very needy and childlike.  

Have you explored why you want to be with someone who you see as a "pathetic person" and "childlike"? Why are "pathetic" and "childlike" attractive to you?

like last week I was planning on staying home on the weekend for the first time in months and Sunday came and I caved.  I called her and asked her if there was anything she needed me for.  

So she wasn't even contacting you - you "caved" to your own internal pressure?

Have you read the Lessons?
All members still incontact with their partner should learn to use the basic relationship tools to better manage the day to day interactions.
If you are evaluating a decision to stay or leave, please post on Conflicted and Deciding
Awesome Jim
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« Reply #41 on: September 19, 2011, 11:29:51 PM »

Have you explored why you want to be with someone who you see as a "pathetic person" and "childlike"? Why are "pathetic" and "childlike" attractive to you?

I find this part of her completely unnattractive.  I am attracted to her for many reasons other than this.  I also wasn't so certain I wanted to be with her anymore and have been dealing with just being friends lately.  I have realized over the past couple of weeks that I have been out at her place far too much lately - to the point that I am missing home and at the same time if she really wants friends or more than that right now.

So she wasn't even contacting you - you "caved" to your own internal pressure?

Yes -  even if she invites me, it's still my choice to go or not (and I know it's unhealthy and that she uses and abuses me).  I gave in easily because I was lonely and bored at home and I missed her.  I also felt the subtle shift in our dynamic lately from painting me white to painting me black.

Thanks Jim

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« Reply #42 on: March 04, 2012, 05:02:05 PM »

Just read the article about evolution of a BPD relationship. Again. Of course it is spot on about what happened to my BPD fiancé and I.  He was the most persistent suitor imaginable  wanted to be engaged after 10 months. I was so happy and in love! Yes there were occasional rage attacks.. But he explained he had social anxiety and always apologized...in the beginning. Guess I was Sitting duck...he was so much like the father I adored who was also from the UK...my father issues I see now...made me overlook the red flags.

There was a long clinger stage then unbelievable and quick devaluation at the time we had to move from our apt. He took that opportunity to move out on his own a month before Xmas. He then started phone games, Refusing to take me out or help me out  or have my back on things, telling me friends I had never met told him to leave me,and other games of devaluation..including telling me other women wanted him and he may take them up. I saw he was having the grass is greener syndrome and let him go. When he didn't call me for 10 days before Xmas  when we were supposed to be planning a trip -I made my own plans to visit my hometown, and while there dated an old friend...assuming our relationship was over.  He Never called me at Xmas.

When I got back to LA and told him the truth ... He became irate and told me "I cheated on him" I feel this was projection as it was totally unreasonable to believe the relationship was Still on still on under those circumstances. I explained to him he had just devalued me too far.. I had to get away and did not want to be alone at Xmas. I had supported him for 18 months prior to the move out  while he went back to school after a lay off. During this time he started withholding affection and sex as a weapon so of was refreshing to spend time with normal people over Xmas who cared about me.

At the end of this conversation..with which I meant to honestly discuss the future of us given all this estrangement...indicating I was still in love but could not tolerate his lack of commitment and coldness any more..he tried to push me off his porch. He would not even discuss the final business of a break up...returning items, keys, separating property, saying good bye to my autistic son who was so attached to him. I had given a lot to this relationship and have been devastated by this harsh treatment. If the relationship was over.. Why could it not be on a friendly note...we had shared so much.

My question is...how much did my behavior contribute to the. Honeymoon-clinger- devaluation cycle? I did not know much about being on the receiving end of BPD at the time and he refused treatment. (I demanded he go to a psychiatrist after many crazy incidents including abuse and vandalism- who diagnosed him with BPD/ASPD.). I expected him act like a GAS (grown ass man) and probably was too reactive to his crazy making, not validating enough and stood up to all his abusive behavior and set boundaries.was I wrong in this? Had I been better informed or more validating..could this devaluation stage have been prevented. I did love him so for the wonderful parts of his personality..and memories of how fantastic the early days were...of which  he seems to have had no memory .

  He is a handsome man, once a ladies favorite in the Rockabilly scene had many short superficial relationships there. I'm a trial attorney, and our life together was more stable and subdued- what he claimed he wanted so much... Just seemed to get to the point what we had did not provide enough kicks or attention for him. And I wanted a partner, a waverer. As me pursued me so vigorously and I was the reluctant one initially...this kind of blows my mind.

Any words of wisdom, suggestions, etc.? Think I'll ever hear from him. And if so, then what? I am trying to start dating again but don't have much enthusiasm for it as my feelings for him were deep...
Maria Carolina

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« Reply #43 on: March 04, 2012, 09:22:40 PM »

Hi marathoncathy

Wow I relate to much to your story.

The first thing to know is that BPD is an illness, so no matter what you did it would end in suffering.

You were only setting your boundaries and making him to know that he couldn't treat you in an abusive way. Of course he didn't like it (he is as all BP's, a child) but you had the right to protect yourself and your child.

My r/s lasted 14 months (he dumped me just 3 months ago). During the honeymoon phase he seemed to adore me, but even in that time he pushed and pulled, but I didn't realize that.

After six months he wanted to get married, but he was having problems with his job, he lost it, and we posponed the engagement. But when he returned to his job we had a stupid fight because of a movie we didn't finish to watch (I have to leave the theater because of a job emergency) and was the first time he devaluated me (affection retired). Could you believe that.

After that we recycled, spent go od times together, but he never proposed. He lost his job again, I supported him a lot and then one day he started to rage at me because of nonsenses, his car didn't work, it was my fault, his bad performance in sex was my fault, I said stop what's going on, he said I was cold (my family and friends and myself know that it was the opposite), we make up, all seem to be ok for a while, he   gave me flowers for our anniversary, came to dinner with my parents, acted very affectionated with me in front of his parents .

But next week he was saying he didn't love me enough, I said if you don't love me so let's break up, he said no, But 3 weeks later he dumped me even knowing I had a breast biopsy this week, and I was scared to death. He didn't care and he said bye  and justified himself lying he has to move to other city for a job and couldn't have a long distance r/s.

I'm still struggling to collect my pieces, in T and meds but I keep my faith that I' m going to be Ok and grow.

True love is acceptance
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« Reply #44 on: March 04, 2012, 09:42:07 PM »

"pay more attention to actions rather than words"

I saw this on one of the post above regarding paying attention to the persion with BPD.  The interesting thing is that my BPD friend says this all the time about evaluating other people.  He says he has little regard for what people say, but what they do tells them everything.  Of course, in his world this is often very convoluted, but he harps on it quite a bit.  I did all kinds of nice things for him, but he could only remember how I "let him down" in the very beginning.

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« Reply #45 on: March 04, 2012, 10:30:04 PM »

This is the 2nd pwBPD I have been involved with. Both have followed the stages as outlined in the article to A T! I mean it is so eery how spot on this article is. First involvement with a pwBPD she went through all the phases one by one as has the 2nd pwBPD I most recently dated.

The BIG difference has been my behaviorthis time which i am so proud of. but i think it has a lot more to do with finding this resource and doing exactly what I was told to do.

See the first time i knew nothing of BPD I just knew we got close she broke up with me and ran off with someone else. I was devastated and tried my damndest to get her back. Well after about 1.5 months of dropping me on my head she did come back. it did not work and i went NC.

THIS TIME when I realized what or whom i was dating I SLAMMED on the brakes and dumped her. Not in a mean way just sent her on her way. She split me black as coal and I havent had any contact on my end. She will every once in awhile like something on my Facebook page but hasnt tried to contact me. This 2nd pwBPD is very low functioning. I just went right on with my life this time unlike 1st time. WOW 1st time i was a fing mess. This time I have been planning trips, going out with friends, exercising, reading books, posting here if I feel like contacting her. Totally different approach on my end.
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« Reply #46 on: June 05, 2012, 05:09:01 PM »

I wish this post also included when you are with someone who does not rage, like a waif for instance. My ex never raged, she just gave me the silent treatment. It would be great for us that never experienced the "rage" part of our BPD exes.
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« Reply #47 on: June 05, 2012, 05:20:19 PM »

WOW...I am gonna copy this and bring it to Councling..This is 100% how i got myself into this...This is to scary.

I spent the next many years bouncing between these charactistics until i only had a ''shadow'' left.I dumped everything i ever had into this... cry cry cry...
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« Reply #48 on: June 05, 2012, 05:56:06 PM »


I wish this post also included when you are with someone who does not rage, like a waif for instance. My ex never raged, she just gave me the silent treatment. It would be great for us that never experienced the "rage" part of our BPD exes.

Ya know my ex raged a handful of times, maybe three, over the course of many many years.  The quiet rages I experienced were like yours...internal, covertly aggressive, passive aggressive etc.  It made me question my reality quite a bit.  Those silent rages, like the silent treatment, being set up in no-win situations to generate conflict, or her projecting her anger/resentment onto you by behaving in ways to elicit these emotions from you are all ways to be a non-aggressive rager.

It's confusing GOI, it took me a long time to figure out what emotional abuse was and that it's a form of rage.  And it is just as destructive as physical abuse.

Have you checked out some resources on emotional abuse? 



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« Reply #49 on: June 06, 2012, 11:52:00 AM »

Great topic!

Just what I need right now while trying to maintain space from my BPDso and avoid her attempts to goad me into going back, emotional blackmail, using kids to try and hurt me.

I'm only 24hrs out (this time) but struggling with the idea of going back vs building my life from scratch after 12yr RS. I just know there will be more to come, and the inevitable "pull" cant be far away once she realizes that pushing won't get me back.

Reading stuff like this helps. Especially when Im feeling weak and full of doubt.



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