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THE PSYCHOLOGY OF PERSONALITY DISORDERS
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Author Topic: BPD BEHAVIORS: Objectifying the romantic partner  (Read 38388 times)
crazymade
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« Reply #30 on: January 09, 2013, 02:55:48 PM »

Instead of being gas-lighted, a light bulb has gone off. "as long as you are doing what i want, you are good. if you are not, then you are bad." totally hit home with me. that is exactly how i have been made to feel. one time i made the mistake of telling my husband that i felt like his slave, which i do. now that you've explained that i've been objectified, it makes sense why he behaves the way he does. Thank you, Oceanheart!
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pari
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« Reply #31 on: March 18, 2013, 10:09:11 AM »

This is so true.

I feel like I am center of his world, center of affection when he is in good mood and doormat when he is angry. He would make me feel like a queen when in good mood, load me up with compliments which feels great because I have never been so appreciated all my life and I see honestly in his words and eyes. Often if he is mad at something else, it comes out on me. I have even pointed it out to him. May be because we spend so much time together, so he vents it all out on me. Sometimes I do feel like an object or toy in his life which he keeps to entertain himself.

We are going through a rough phase these days. Hence, everything I do/write/say is always wrong. sad

It helps to know that this is not unique to me.  :smiley

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sm15000
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« Reply #32 on: May 09, 2013, 05:18:55 AM »

Maybe recovery is just finally growing up...  

This triggered me today because I remember my ex saying "I know what you're thinking. . .why don't you just grow up"

As for 'objectifying' (before I considered a PD). . .well I certainly felt devalued but what was most obvious is he turned into another person in his attitude towards women.  He became very objectifying of women full stop. . .in a sexual way.

He slept with multiple women, I believe he was using porn extensively. . .and our sex life became more 'porn' like.  He made crass and vulgar comments towards women. . .and once he saw me out with a friend and when approaching us shouted out "hey ladies, get your tits out".  Something, over 13 years I had never seen before to that extent although I must admit I always wondered if there was a dark side towards women in him.

He once wrote. . ."I turned into the man you wouldn't want me to be, and the man I don't want to be" . . .extremely sad




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Surrender
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« Reply #33 on: January 09, 2014, 08:56:44 PM »

TMost of the people I know with BPD, from the BPD forum, have big hearts and care very deeply for others.

What I have learned through my UBPD boyfriend is that he feels perhaps too much for people and the general condition of suffering. I think this is partly where all of the dysregulation comes from. He is able to empathize deeply because of his own suffering that he carries daily inside himself in a world where he feels generally rejected and invisible. Yet, the root always seems to be that he feels love for everyone and everything but alienated by people's actions that say the opposite of their words of love.

Consequently it is very rare when he tells me he loves me because he feels that the entire planet is a hypocrite when it comes to love. He feels people just say the words and live in action the opposite to what love is. So I hear him say that very rarely to me...  but when he does say it I know he means it.

Then there are the rages without filter spewing the worst possible insults and accusations so as to make the non want to leave. He doesn't see this as verbal abuse, in fact after he calms down in his mind he views what just occurred as just being expressive and venting. It is as though he doesn't have true recollection of the gravity of his behavior and is inflicting upon me the very thing that causes himself agony over the hypocritical condition of people and how they treat one another. A sort of double standard where he is taking that all out on me for some feeling of being dejected that he uses as an excuse.

It is so complex that I can hardly wrap my brain around it.

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Jo-Marie


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« Reply #34 on: January 06, 2015, 11:28:08 AM »

I think that the situation below is a result of the idealisation that can be so strong in a BPD, often about love.   The person the BPD loves becomes a "love object", and because love and a loving relationship is idealised, the whole idealised construct is at risk when a behaviour by a partner is less than ideal - the BPD feels "let down" or even that "love has been betrayed".


"Consequently it is very rare when he tells me he loves me because he feels that the entire planet is a hypocrite when it comes to love. He feels people just say the words and live in action the opposite to what love is. So I hear him say that very rarely to me...   but when he does say it I know he means it.

Then there are the rages without filter spewing the worst possible insults and accusations so as to make the non want to leave. He doesn't see this as verbal abuse, in fact after he calms down in his mind he views what just occurred as just being expressive and venting. It is as though he doesn't have true recollection of the gravity of his behavior and is inflicting upon me the very thing that causes himself agony over the hypocritical condition of people and how they treat one another. A sort of double standard where he is taking that all out on me for some feeling of being dejected that he uses as an excuse.

It is so complex that I can hardly wrap my brain around it."
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unicorn2014
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Person in your life: Romantic partner
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« Reply #35 on: September 08, 2015, 01:59:21 AM »

My BPDh is very childlike.

When he used to get really upset/disregulated he would say if he only could show me how bad I was I would suddenly see it his way and do good. Even though I hadn't done anything at all to him.

He would get triggered by a stranger and totally flip out and I would try to rein him in and then he would turn all the anger at me.

Now if this starts to happen instead of me becoming the enemy he sees me as on his side, the trust is built and secure now and nothing really escalates anymore.

The tools I learned here changed our relationship. I still see the BPD behaviors but now he seems to be in more control of them and is way more trusting of me and us than ever before. I will not be abused by anyone esp him.

He does seem to idolize me too much though. At night while sleeping he will wake me up to tell me all sorts of wonderful things which I LOVE but I wonder if that is part of the disorder too? He used to do this before we got better together but it was tainted by the constant insults and huge fights.

I can totally relate to this. It's like I don't care what he thinks of me after he's verbally abused me. It's almost as if I want him to stop talking. I wish he could see how little I care what he thinks of me after he's verbally abused me but if I would try to point this out to him, he wouldn't want to hear it.
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unicorn2014
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Person in your life: Romantic partner
Posts: 2545


« Reply #36 on: September 08, 2015, 02:05:42 AM »

TMost of the people I know with BPD, from the BPD forum, have big hearts and care very deeply for others.

Oh I can totally relate and frankly I am sick and tired of it all. How are we and why are we supposed to care about these people?

What I have learned through my UBPD boyfriend is that he feels perhaps too much for people and the general condition of suffering. I think this is partly where all of the dysregulation comes from. He is able to empathize deeply because of his own suffering that he carries daily inside himself in a world where he feels generally rejected and invisible. Yet, the root always seems to be that he feels love for everyone and everything but alienated by people's actions that say the opposite of their words of love.

Consequently it is very rare when he tells me he loves me because he feels that the entire planet is a hypocrite when it comes to love. He feels people just say the words and live in action the opposite to what love is. So I hear him say that very rarely to me...   but when he does say it I know he means it.

Then there are the rages without filter spewing the worst possible insults and accusations so as to make the non want to leave. He doesn't see this as verbal abuse, in fact after he calms down in his mind he views what just occurred as just being expressive and venting. It is as though he doesn't have true recollection of the gravity of his behavior and is inflicting upon me the very thing that causes himself agony over the hypocritical condition of people and how they treat one another. A sort of double standard where he is taking that all out on me for some feeling of being dejected that he uses as an excuse.

It is so complex that I can hardly wrap my brain around it.

I totally understand it and frankly it makes me want to stop caring. How and why are we supposed to care about people who are so abusive?
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KeepCalm


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« Reply #37 on: September 13, 2015, 09:38:29 AM »

So you are saying that we can be viewed more as objects who serve a need, than as people who should be cared for and respected? yeah, I can see that when my uBPbf is dysregulated and in total defense mode, but when he is calm then he is very considerate and kind - and it seems to be genuine.

I know that validation has made a huge difference in calming him down - I wonder how our beginning to take care of ourselves by taking time outs will impact their thinking. Will they learn to see us as deserving if we refuse to accept poor treatment?

Hi united for now

I totally agree with your question and would like to  know if there is any answer / solution / fix. I know that in order to take care of my uBPbf I first need  to take care of myself. So when we fought two days ago, I decided  to take some time-out and had  a spontaneous get-together with some close friends. When he found out, that triggered another episode. I can see that he views it as betrayal, and he said that I must be false as I couldn't possibly have been sad after the first fight if I was busy organizing a "party" as he called it. But how else am I supposed to have taken care of myself?  I don't know how to validate his feelings in this situation. Any advice would be welcome!
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unicorn2014
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« Reply #38 on: September 13, 2015, 04:11:11 PM »

So you are saying that we can be viewed more as objects who serve a need, than as people who should be cared for and respected? yeah, I can see that when my uBPbf is dysregulated and in total defense mode, but when he is calm then he is very considerate and kind - and it seems to be genuine.

I know that validation has made a huge difference in calming him down - I wonder how our beginning to take care of ourselves by taking time outs will impact their thinking. Will they learn to see us as deserving if we refuse to accept poor treatment?

Hi united for now

I totally agree with your question and would like to  know if there is any answer / solution / fix. I know that in order to take care of my uBPbf I first need  to take care of myself. So when we fought two days ago, I decided  to take some time-out and had  a spontaneous get-together with some close friends. When he found out, that triggered another episode. I can see that he views it as betrayal, and he said that I must be false as I couldn't possibly have been sad after the first fight if I was busy organizing a "party" as he called it. But how else am I supposed to have taken care of myself?  I don't know how to validate his feelings in this situation. Any advice would be welcome!

I've experienced that kind of thing too and I would say don't engage with his feelings, just go on about with your day. He's going to need to emotionally regulate himself. You could just tell him you understand he's upset you went out with your friends and you're sorry he's having a hard time. There's a great acronym in SWOE called JADE, don't justify, apologize, defend or explain. I try to live by that.
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eprogeny
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« Reply #39 on: September 07, 2016, 07:43:43 PM »

I just know how helpful it has been in my own growth to start valuing other people not for what I can get from them, but for who they are - flaws and all. It's been a joyful discovery and has enriched my life and that of the people I love. What better could I ask for?

Hi Ocean.  Thank you so much for your openness on these forums.  I have read many of your posts and feel like I am learning so much about my exBPDgf's perspective, and it is helping me to heal from our breakup. 

I have some question for you if you don't mind...

When did you know you were using people in this way?  Were you always aware you did this or was this something you learned in your recovery process? 

When you have the stresses that lead to an episode of dysregulation and this behavior comes out in you, how long does it take for you to realize it - and what is the best way someone in your life to deal with it effectively when it happens?

Thank you, again, for all you post.
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