Im beginning to feel angry at my ex and wanna tell her

[Ashleigh]

I just wanna get it off my chest, even tho I know it is probably futile. she is too stubborn and immature to listen. i really feel like i wanna tell her to get therapy and stop ruining ppl's lives and playing mind games with ppl.

Is there any point?

Why should these ppl get away with it?

Angry Ashleigh

[evedavis]

Hi Angry Ashleigh,

Boy, I bet we have ALL been to the place you are in!  I have had many conversations with my ex (out loud, and without him present----hope no one else was around!    in which I have said all the things I wanted to say, or wished I had said, or wished he could hear... .

But I believe you are right----it's futile.  It will not help her "see the light"---it will likely only fuel her anger and outrage at you, or justify her bad treatment of you, or whatever.  To her, YOU are the crazy and hurtful one.  I read an amazing description of the borderline's emotional sensitivity in SWOE, where they described the BPD as a an emotional "burn victim"---the slightest touch causes searing pain (or pleasure, as the case may be).

Or think of it this way----could you explain to a 4 year old child, in adult terms and language, why her behavior is so disturbing to people? 

In any event, AA, DO "get it off your chest"----write, rage, cry, talk, dance, sweat, WHATEVER----create a doll of your ex and stick pins in it if that feels good----but I would urge you not to communicate these feelings with her directly. 

Take good care of yourself, and thanks for sharing with us here!



Eve

[pallavirajsinghani]

Hello Antsy Ashleigh!   I agree with Eve.  What's the point?  Listen to the adage:  Living well is the best revenge.

O by the way,  kickboxing classes do work... .

Even better, self defense classes because they teach you how to fight off an attacker... .believe me, it is the most therapeutic activity... .try it... .and you can without shame fight off your BPDX in your mind while you are practising with the teacher... .

[rethinking]

Hi, Ashleigh,

I can understand your wanting to "tell her off". Unfortunately, it won't change a thing. My guess is that you would feel bad about it later.   You know she is mentally ill.  Her life may look rosy, but you know it's not.

Her life is very painful.

You are in a lot of pain right now, but you will heal. She will probably always be this way.

You can keep posting here, write your thoughts in a journal ---or write a letter, but not send it,

talk with friends, a therapist---------exercise ( the kick boxing sounded good).

Focus on yourself now and rebuild your life.

Living well really is the best revenge.

Take care,

RT  x

[Vanityvanity]

The rage I feel disturbs me - maybe this is the rage I felt all the way through the relationship, added to the rage at being dumped - it feels like a tidal wave. I feel horrible when I let it out (which I do by hitting and kicking the other side of the bed) because I feel taken over and engulfed by it. I hate feeling this possessed.

Yes, I would love to tell him what I think of him. But I think that the ending of that fantasy is that he bursts into tears and says, "Yes! Yes! My darling, you are right! How I have hurt you! I'll come back to you, I'll treat you so well, I'll make it all up to you!"

I have this fantasy, too: We're lying in bed right at the start of this, when he was so tender towards me. I fall asleep and I wake up with a jolt. "What is it?" he says. "I had a horrible dream," I say. "I dreamed you threatened me and said it was my fault. I dreamed you said we'd have some time apart and then texted me to say it was over. I dreamed we split up and you dropped me like a brick." And he says, "I'd never treat you that way!" and kisses me, and we fall back asleep again.

This stuff is going to take so long to get over.

[Nicco]

A-ha,bingo!

I felt (and still feeling) exactly the same since few days and wanted to talk to her to spit out everything from my chest... .tell her about the disorder,her being manipulative,her cheating behaviours,all her lies lies lies lies about everything,all those times she used my love to take advantage on me... .just tell her CLEARLY everything i think and know and feel about our relationship.

I asked here before... .and got the same answers.

I understand that would be useless (last time we "talked" it's been once again pretty clear that i was still talking to her illness even is she thinks she doing great pretending that her life is "changed" so i kept everything for me.

I just try to make a deal with this... .it's hard,thinking that there's no way to REALLY communicate with them sometimes makes me crazy... .but i guess this is the sad reality.

I understand your feelings.Keep strong.

[MrFox]

AA, I can fully understand your position.  I felt and still feel the way you did.  I actually did write my ex a letter calling her on her issues, lies, etc.  I wanted some validation for what I was feeling.  I wanted an apology.  I wanted her to take responsibility.  What I got instead was a huge ramping up of the smear campaign against me, painted even blacker, and verbal abuse via email and text messages.

While pwBPD are still human and therefore it is impossible to say they will or won't react in a certain way, I would imagine it would be fruitless to expect her to give you the validation and closure that you want.  It will be more like kicking a hornet's nest when you can simply walk away.

I suggest writing the letter and not sending it.  Or, say what you are feeling out loud to an empty room.  Definitely get it off your chest.

[ShadowDancer]

Very good advise Mr. Fox. To think that these PDI people will not fight fire with fire is well... .a fools errand ... .as some of us have most certainly learned.  

[santa]

There's nothing to gain from it. You have every right to be mad. We all do. Telling her off isn't going have any effect on her whatsoever though. You can talk to her until you're blue in the face and it won't make any difference. Go ahead if it'll make you feel better though. Just remember that it's completely pointless.

[MrFox]

Very good advise Mr. Fox. To think that these PDI people will not fight fire with fire is well... .a fools errand ... .as some of us have most certainly learned.  

Thank you, ShadowDancer.  It some cases they fight fire with napalm filled bombs... .as I, and I'm sure many others here, learned... .

[willtimeheal]

Ashleigh,

During conversations with my undiagnosed ex BPD she would tell me how she hates herself and is depressed.  I would encourage her to go see a therapist but she never would.  They are waiting for the quick fix-someone to come along and take all their problems and issues away.  What they don't understand is the issue lies within them and to fix it, it takes hard work and they have to change-two things a BPD fears.  Telling her will get you now where-she will try to convince you that you are the crazy one.  A good friend once told me, "You can't reason with crazy" - he was right.  They are fu*king nuts!

[Pearl55]

Ashleigh

I think your ego doesn't want to accept that she is crazy. My stubbornness and ego for not accepting the facts nearly destroyed me. I'm not able to tell what I've been through with my husband because is soo embarrassing!

Don't waste your time with therapiest even if she wants to attend. Their pathalogical issues are far more serious than we can imagine. We married to games. I really tried to work out what's going on in his head and I nearly lost my mind for working it out. Your wife's view of your marriage is very different from yours. A full blown borderline intellectualise the facts. That means they play games, act like an actress or actors, lies ... .With no feelings for us what so ever. A 3 year old view her/ his partner as her opponent. Are you able to save or help your opponent? She views everybody as an object to use.

Getting angry with her is pointless, I hope one day you will get very angry with yourself because that will be a very good stage to move on for good.   

[nevertheless]

Dear Ashleigh, boy I'm on your side I Wang to tell off my ex.he had the Mr to text me all things he has done for me and hoe ungrateful I am. Really? I think it was more like he got passed about something let's pick one oh I know he can't find the credit card for the 3 rd time in the pass hour. I better not point out to put it back in his wallet.it really doesn't help. They turn it around where your feeling like you did something wrong. Tonight after the all day textures telling me everything I ever did to wrong him. I said oh I am so sorry for everything I have say acted thought for the pass 3 years I told him everything way my fault I did my even k or how he put up with me. he wrote back saying I was right and thank you WHAT does he think I'm serious? Oh well maybe tomorrow he'll find something else to do. Poor next relationship shell talk about a few months to figure it out. Thanks for . Listing

[Changingman]

I don't think I have accepted yet, how mentally ill my x is. In my head I know it, I have seen behind the mask and it is truly appalling.

My feelings are becoming cool to her torment. But I still flare up with anger. The between insanity and neurosis she cycles through is truly confusing. Don't know who she is now/then/before. To talk or engage with her?

She has now created chaos in her new job for everyone there.

Quote in email from coworker to my friend:

It's Bonkers here now, she is leaving

She is going through a meltdown and will have to use all her survival skills.

Scary!

Revenge on the terminally doomed? Is it even possible?

Yes I think it is! They have told us a hundred times, it is at the root of the disorder... .

Leave them

Forever

Let them disappear into their emptiness, they always were, just didn't tell us. That is the great betrayal

Mentally ill

Have a nice day, be glad their pain is not yours.

Anyway, what am i doing today... .

[Pearl55]

Changingman,

Do you know many psychiatrists don't believe that BPD is a mental illness because when you are mentally ill you are not in control of what you are doing!

They are crazy and most of them extremely clever crazies! They know what they doing and often enjoy it. How come they behave during their SEDUCTIVE phase? Of course there are some red flags but that that much.

[nevertheless]

Hi Pearl55, that's a great question about what do they do turning the seductive phase... .it's like they worship you all the phone calls cards letters flowers way too expensive of gifts.  The first time we met he took me the Verizon and wouldn't take no to buy me a fancy phone. Who does that? He didn't even know me. I should have seen this as controlling, when ever we get in to a disagreement the phone was thrown up in my face. How much it cost how high the bill was, when I changed the phone into my name oh my that was wrong. BPs can't have a normal conversation he would think I was disrespecting him if I had oppion on anything. I feel so free not to have to deal with all his fragile feelings. 

[Changingman]

Changingman,

Do you know many psychiatrists don't believe that BPD is a mental illness because when you are mentally ill you are not in control of what you are doing!

They are crazy and most of them extremely clever crazies! They know what they doing and often enjoy it. How come they behave during their SEDUCTIVE phase? Of course there are some red flags but that that much.

They are in control of what they are doing, just not willing to do the hard work of controlling it. Better to control... .You, you feel the pain, anxiety, confusion, emptyness, death, worthlessness, depression like some life size voodoo doll.

" well you can stick your little pins into that voodoo doll,

I'm very sorry baby doesn't look like me at all "

Tower of Song

L. Cohen

Haven't you noticed, they are consumed by the seduction! They can't feel it but they can TRY to create it. Search for it in others, force it from you, plead, beg, degrade whatever is left of their real self, betray themselves, twist themselves into false shapes, but as it has no real 'life' inside them, it becomes distorted, perverted, hollow and for that they will NEVER forgive you... .

You failed.

And the hate for you starts, bit by bit, as they scrape your insides out, leaving you like a jelly mould of your former self.

But brothers, sisters... .we can fill ourselves up again, it springs from our selves not from outside of us. You cannot create honour or character by going on a march, or clicking like on Facebook.

For us? Revenge? That's their garbage.

Abandon them.

They have earned it.

Breath it in, feel it.

We have been hanging out with the terminally doomed, we should feel sick...

For a while

[Changingman]

Oh! And a salute to ShadowDancer, wise man.

They are 'fools gold'