Has anyone seen this - dead eyes

[dreamnomore]

I haven't seen my husband (13 years) much since he decided he was too hateful (because he lied to me about money) to stay and needed to get himself back to being a man, but I saw him today. (about two months.)   He looked like he had aged l0 years; his hair was thinner and greyer; he hadn't had a hair cut in so long he looked like Rip VanWinkle and he had a stubble.  Anyway, he kept mumbling when we talked and couldn't look me in the eyes.  When he asked for a hug before he left, I looked at him in the eyes.  Even their colour (normally bright blue) was different - almost grey now.  His eyes looked dead almost like his soul was gone.  He's in such a dark place, I'm not sure now that he can ever pull himself up.  He disengaged from me after a few moments and literally stumbled out the door because he said if he stayed one moment longer, he'd never be strong enough to leave again.  I hadn't asked him to say - I actually think it's good that he finds himself and his self-esteem.

Have anyone of you seen - these vacant, dead eyes? They are scary.  Where did the person go?  Really, I want to know.  How can you just vanish - so much that you don't even look the same? It's only been two months... the change is frightening.

Have a good evening everyone.

[Jade]

I've seen wild crazy eyes in the past, not even focusing normally. And now in the past few months he won't seem to meet my eyes much either. Like our bond has been severed and he was slightly ashamed. When I saw him at his mothers house a few weeks ago he was almost like a shy kid in that way avoiding eye contact. I mean probably was just uncomfortable with everything that has gone on, low self esteem etc.

Interesting question.

[Im.okay.now]

My ex would go off on these little trips where she would be starring out and lost in her own little world. It was like "the lights are on but nobody's home".

She also always had a hard time looking at me in the eyes from more than a few seconds.

[bernbeau]

I've been separated and divorced from my exBPDW for four years, and while I have decided on NC, I did see photos of her lately, and her eyes were de facto dead! It's quite frightening! She left wanting a new - and presumedly, better - life, but judging from her eyes, it's anything but! No expression, no life... .  shear emptiness... .  and estrangement! Ghostly!

[Hellothere]

I've been separated and divorced from my exBPDW for four years, and while I have decided on NC, I did see photos of her lately, and her eyes were de facto dead! It's quite frightening! She left wanting a new - and presumedly, better - life, but judging from her eyes, it's anything but! No expression, no life... .  shear emptiness... .  and estrangement! Ghostly!

Haha oh the irony! Mine did exactly the same, but yet she still try's to "bump" into me at my work place.

A few times I would look over to her and her eyes were almost all black, took me back a step in the moment I can tell you.

[daze]

Yes, I am familiar with the dead eye look.  I saw it in my uBPDh's eyes when I busted him in a lie.  It was like all light left his eyes.  It's creepy.

[Clearmind]

I noticed it too - it can be caused from Dissociation and Dysphoria.

We all have the ability to dissociate during times of stress or when triggered. Checking out or blanking out for me was a form of protection when my ex would lash out.

[slimmiller]

Yes. I have seen both that and the crazy wild animal look when she is 'disregulated'. My oldest (stepson 13) calls it 'mommies crazy eyes'

Its almost like the only life in her anymore is from her being possessed

[TigerEye]

Only once, but it was the scariest thing I've seen, it's something I will never forget. It was like her body was there but her soul had gone.

[Hellothere]

Wow I'm so glad there's been a lot of replys to this.

It was so strange, sometimes it wouldn't even Be when she was upset, acting out Etc but when she seemed, dare i say, normal.

[SeaCliff]

Yes, the "deer in the headlights" look is the most frightening thing that I have ever experienced. It is like they are lifeless robots. If I had never heard of BPD traits, I would swear that she was possessed by some foreign, dark demonic entity.

Does their dissociation around us ever end? I have experienced this now for 4 1/2 years, in addition to her notorious "Silent Treatment" even though we share kids together, in spite of me being faithful with her for twenty (20) years prior. Do they ever split us "all good" again, and stop dissociating (act as if they are having an "out of body experience" around us?

If anyone ever overcame severe dissociation and the Silent Treatment with their pwBPD traits, I hope to hear what you did to accomplish that improvement in your relationship.

[GustheDog]

":)eer in the headlights"/"Creepy"/"Possessed"

I was saying these things to myself on repeat before I even found this board.  Not just concepts that match those words - those *exact* words.

So, yeah, I've seen it - it took 2.5 years before I did, but I've seen it. 

[dmiller]

My DBPDh eyes have been that way before. Actually, it's funny that the first thing I noticed when I met him was his eyes. But when he is going through a eposide his eyes will be like his soul is gone. Very distant looking, and even changes colors. He has hazel green eyes usually but they will look gray or blue or just hollow looking sometimes. Interesting.

[Hellothere]

If anyone ever overcame severe dissociation and the Silent Treatment with their pwBPD traits, I hope to hear what you did to accomplish that improvement in your relationship.

To be honest it is a very fine line between all of the emotions. It honestly depends how they are acting out at that very moment. I found that with my ex after a certain amount of empathy and compassion when trying to deal with her problems no amount of talking and sensitivity would help. So after a while when she was trying to bait me into a fight I would simply walk away (sometimes this would be a lot easier said then done). Although this would be very hard to do i knew deep down that if I only ever tried to help and if that wasn't working then if I didn't react then I wouldn't not be to blame for anything.

Silent treatment is disgusting, it's so harsh and any partner that engages in this does not deserve a partner.

[wanttoknowmore]

My first experience with this was a month ago when my pwBPD came back from a hospice visit and it triggered memories of her deceased mother. She set motionless, staring blank in space, not answering any question and when I touched her face, angrily rejecting and pushing my hand away. This was bizzare... I never saw this expression and this look in last 2+ years. I studied it. This is what it look like when they are dissociating under severe stress.

[honeybadger]

I've seen the crazy eyes--and also the blank stare. It's scary. But it's also very sad to me to see.

[SeaCliff]

Were any of the people in your lives who had perceived BPD traits NOT on certain prescription pills like sleeping, anti-anxiety, and / or anti-depressant pills?

I have read a few times that some of these pills may cause the equivalent of a "chemical lobotomy" (literal physical changes in the brain structure) which adversely affects their frontal lobe portion of their brains where EMPATHY is controlled. Without decent empathy abilities for themselves or their loved ones, then this is typically when relationship conflicts worsen, sadly.

Of all of the horrific BPD relationship conflicts, I only personally know of one case where the person with perceived BPD traits was NOT taking any prescription pills at the time. Yet, the BPD traits ran deeply in his "Family Tree."

[daze]

UBPDh is not on any type of medication.  In fact, he is adamantly opposed to it.

[healingmyheart]

I'm so glad to see this thread because I can relate to the eye thing.

When my ex would rage, it was like he did become possessed and I could see it in his eyes.  His eyes actually seemed to flicker during the rage.  It was like he really wasn't there... .  dissociation maybe?  Actually he says he doesn't remember the rage so maybe.  Scary, isn't it?

[Clearmind]

I'm so glad to see this thread because I can relate to the eye thing.

When my ex would rage, it was like he did become possessed and I could see it in his eyes.  His eyes actually seemed to flicker during the rage.  It was like he really wasn't there... .  dissociation maybe?  Actually he says he doesn't remember the rage so maybe.  Scary, isn't it?

If you look in the above post a link was posted to information on dissociation. We can all dissociate.

[dmiller]

No meds at the time of the hollow looking eyes

[bernbeau]

No meds at the time of the hollow looking eyes

Good point. In my case, her eyes went dead when she left. It's as if, having lost her yang, she could no longer function. In other words, I provided her with the wherewithal for her internal, black-white, BPD equilibrium. Clearly, she couldn't vilify others without paying the price... .  so she checked out... .  that is, she dissociates. It's probably a survival strategy.

The errie thing is that I decided to go NC for this very reason. In other words, I felt she wanted to stay in touch, not because she cared, but rather for her mental equilibrium (or disequilibrium). Her black-white thinking is now eating her up, leading her to disssociate.

Add to this their fear of abandonment, which came true with my NC, and you get... .  dead eyes! Wow, what a mess!

[Anvilhead]

After nine months of NC, I realized that ocassionally looking at old emails and pictures and such, was just a form of contact that was keeping me somewhat stuck.

I decided a month ago to "delete her" completely. One of the last things I did, was to delete a couple of pics she'd sent me at my insistance (hated pics of herself).

Man, the "hollow/dead" eyes were there big time. Funny how I missed them before. Weird.

Thanks,

Anvil