A script for setting boundaries

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Thank you so much for replying, Kwamina.  Your compassion made me cry. I didn't even realize how sad and how on edge I have been.

I am about to celebrate 30 years in recovery, but clearly I can't afford to put the BPD stuff on the back burner the way I have been. I attend meetings regularly, but even Al-Anon is clueless about some of the more complex aspects of BPD damage (our dad had it, too) so I don't talk about it much. Dad died in 2009 and my brother left the state in 2011, so I guess I have just been trying to stay comfortable by staying in denial because I haven't had to deal with them on a daily basis the way I used to. That doesn't mean my own illness is not there. I have scars that have not healed. When I get triggered, it is as if I have never done any work at all. I immediately go to the darkest place. I think there is no solution and I have to just wait for him to die. Or me.

I don't even know where to start to answer your question about what he calls about. Yesterday he wanted money, which I do not have to give him. I accidentally mentioned that I had lost a lot over the last few years, and that set him off. He thinks he lost more. When I am in practice, I know better than to say something like that. I also said that I'm not sure what he remembers about our past conversations, and that always angers him (to have his memory questioned). He is in active addiction, and so is his BPDgf, which makes using the tools doubly important. Time to get my "cue cards" back out and put them by the phone.

I am going to look at some of my old posts to see where I left off - this board is so helpful for making me clarify the core issues by writing.

Thanks again for reaching out to me - it means the world... .

[bigsis]

Thank you so much for replying, Kwamina.  Your compassion made me cry. I didn't even realize how sad and how on edge I have been.

I am about to celebrate 30 years in recovery, but clearly I can't afford to put the BPD stuff on the back burner the way I have been. I attend meetings regularly, but even Al-Anon is clueless about some of the more complex aspects of BPD damage (our dad had it, too) so I don't talk about it much. Dad died in 2009 and my brother left the state in 2011, so I guess I have just been trying to stay comfortable by staying in denial because I haven't had to deal with them on a daily basis the way I used to. That doesn't mean my own illness is not there. I have scars that have not healed. When I get triggered, it is as if I have never done any work at all. I immediately go to the darkest place. I think there is no solution and I have to just wait for him to die. Or me.

I don't even know where to start to answer your question about what he calls about. Yesterday he wanted money, which I do not have to give him. I accidentally mentioned that I had lost a lot over the last few years, and that set him off. He thinks he lost more. When I am in practice, I know better than to say something like that. I also said that I'm not sure what he remembers about our past conversations, and that always angers him (to have his memory questioned). He is in active addiction, and so is his BPDgf, which makes using the tools doubly important. Time to get my "cue cards" back out and put them by the phone.

I am going to look at some of my old posts to see where I left off - this board is so helpful for making me clarify the core issues by writing.

Thanks again for reaching out to me - it means the world... .

[Kwamina]

I have scars that have not healed. When I get triggered, it is as if I have never done any work at all. I immediately go to the darkest place. I think there is no solution and I have to just wait for him to die. Or me.

Could it perhaps be that your are suffering from emotional flashbacks? Are you familiar with this concept? Pete Walker describes them like this:

"Emotional flashbacks are sudden and often prolonged regressions ('amygdala hijackings' to the frightening circumstances of childhood. They are typically experienced as intense and confusing episodes of fear and/or despair - or as sorrowful and/or enraged reactions to this fear and despair. Emotional flashbacks are especially painful because the inner critic typically overlays them with toxic shame, inhibiting the individual from seeking comfort and support, isolating him in an overwhelming and humiliating sense of defectiveness.

Because most emotional flashbacks do not have a visual or memory component to them, the triggered individual rarely realizes that she is re-experiencing a traumatic time from childhood."

We have an article here about mindfulness that you might find helpful for dealing with your triggers. Here's a short excerpt:

What is mindfulness all about?  In the simplest sense, we all develop, from time to time, thinking patterns that do not serve us well.  When we do, we are easily "triggered" - having non-constructive reactions to specific words or actions based on prior experiences.  We've all been there - in resentment, pessimism, defensiveness, impatience, closed mindedness, distrust, intolerance, confrontational, defeat... .

Mindfulness is a type of self-awareness in which we learn to observe ourselves in real time to see and alter our reactions to be more constructive.

You can read the entire article here: Triggering and Mindfulness and Wise Mind

Time to get my "cue cards" back out and put them by the phone.

Being prepared is indeed very important when dealing with someone with BPD