Succubus

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I have been thinking about a one word that would sum up and describe my uxBPDgf. I finally figured it out. She's a succubus!

In pop culture, a succubus is a woman who would suck the life out of you. In mythology, a succubus is a demon that takes the form of a highly attractive woman to seduce men to have sex with them in their dreams and draw energy from them.

She sucked the life out of me and the whole thing seemed like a dream. I was acting totally out of character and seemed like I was sleep walking. My ex seduced me sexually and emotionally. She made feel like I'm the best man in the world. When I got hooked she slowly tightened her grib on me. She used deceit, manipulation, and lying to turn our relationship into me catering to all her needs. She made that we did everything according to her. We slept when she wanted, ate where and when she wanted. We only watch what she wanted on TV. Her music playing constantly, her cloth every where, her feelings and needs are the only topic to talk about, ... .it was just all her. If I complained or stood up for myself she opened the gates of hell; crying, ranting about her childhood issues or her mom's issues, her ex-husband issues, silent treatment, sex withholding, pouting, etc. She had a full arsenal of tricks. She wouldn't rage and made seem like I was the angry one when I get frustrated. She was a highly intelligent succubus. And if I resisted all that and made her real angry she will end up cutting herself. And then she says she still loves me but I'm causing her all this emotional pain that would make her cut herself. When I see the bloody scars i would give in and things would be good for a while and then the cycle continues.

She isolated me from my friends. My best friend was deplorable to her because he was considering divorce. All my other friends have flaws and thus I shouldn't hang out with them. Every time I try to force myself to avoid her other tricks to hangout with my friends she would up the ante. Sometimes I get these special sexual treats that would last for hours and I would cancel my plans. When I try to include her to get to know my friends, she acts like a deer in headlights. All her outgoing funny personality goes out  the window. She becomes this soulless speechless creature. She doesn't have any friends. They all got dropped from her life because they betrayed her at some point. I tried to get close to her family but I was told that I don't understand and I should keep away. I can only talk to them when she was present and wants to show me off.

She was always complaining about my wonderful job. She wanted me to look for another one so she can have a better career in a different place. I was made to reduce my time and passion investments in my career. We talk for hours about her stupid mundane occurrences at her job. However, we never talk for a minute about my published journal papers or the book I'm working on. She doesn't have any hobbies and I was made to feel bad about every minute I spend on mine. When I insist on going to my favorite sport practices, she would end up calling an ex in the couple of hours I'm gone. She wouldn't do any house chores and would call me controlling if I asked for her to help. She would say that I would be doing those things anyway if I was by myself! She would wake me up in the early morning when she finishes her night shift. She would say she loves me and she missed me so much and wants to spend time with me. When I start perking up, she says she sleepy now and wants to sleep. She freaks out if I don't answer a call or a text. I have to even when she's just bored at work in the middle of the night. To her I have to love her and miss her when she's at work and thus I have to want to talk to her instead of sleeping. How could I even sleep when she's not there?

She would make feel bad about traveling to see my sick mother because I didn't take her. To her that was just abandoning her. Then she hooks up with her ex. She cuts me completely off and turn into this mean evil btch. She is a true succubus!

[outofzone]

I have been thinking about a one word that would sum up and describe my uxBPDgf. I finally figured it out. She's a succubus!

In pop culture, a succubus is a woman who would suck the life out of you. In mythology, a succubus is a demon that takes the form of a highly attractive woman to seduce men to have sex with them in their dreams and draw energy from them.

She sucked the life out of me and the whole thing seemed like a dream. I was acting totally out of character and seemed like I was sleep walking. My ex seduced me sexually and emotionally. She made feel like I'm the best man in the world. When I got hooked she slowly tightened her grib on me. She used deceit, manipulation, and lying to turn our relationship into me catering to all her needs. She made that we did everything according to her. We slept when she wanted, ate where and when she wanted. We only watch what she wanted on TV. Her music playing constantly, her cloth every where, her feelings and needs are the only topic to talk about, ... .it was just all her. If I complained or stood up for myself she opened the gates of hell; crying, ranting about her childhood issues or her mom's issues, her ex-husband issues, silent treatment, sex withholding, pouting, etc. She had a full arsenal of tricks. She wouldn't rage and made seem like I was the angry one when I get frustrated. She was a highly intelligent succubus. And if I resisted all that and made her real angry she will end up cutting herself. And then she says she still loves me but I'm causing her all this emotional pain that would make her cut herself. When I see the bloody scars i would give in and things would be good for a while and then the cycle continues.

She isolated me from my friends. My best friend was deplorable to her because he was considering divorce. All my other friends have flaws and thus I shouldn't hang out with them. Every time I try to force myself to avoid her other tricks to hangout with my friends she would up the ante. Sometimes I get these special sexual treats that would last for hours and I would cancel my plans. When I try to include her to get to know my friends, she acts like a deer in headlights. All her outgoing funny personality goes out  the window. She becomes this soulless speechless creature. She doesn't have any friends. They all got dropped from her life because they betrayed her at some point. I tried to get close to her family but I was told that I don't understand and I should keep away. I can only talk to them when she was present and wants to show me off.

She was always complaining about my wonderful job. She wanted me to look for another one so she can have a better career in a different place. I was made to reduce my time and passion investments in my career. We talk for hours about her stupid mundane occurrences at her job. However, we never talk for a minute about my published journal papers or the book I'm working on. She doesn't have any hobbies and I was made to feel bad about every minute I spend on mine. When I insist on going to my favorite sport practices, she would end up calling an ex in the couple of hours I'm gone. She wouldn't do any house chores and would call me controlling if I asked for her to help. She would say that I would be doing those things anyway if I was by myself! She would wake me up in the early morning when she finishes her night shift. She would say she loves me and she missed me so much and wants to spend time with me. When I start perking up, she says she sleepy now and wants to sleep. She freaks out if I don't answer a call or a text. I have to even when she's just bored at work in the middle of the night. To her I have to love her and miss her when she's at work and thus I have to want to talk to her instead of sleeping. How could I even sleep when she's not there?

She would make feel bad about traveling to see my sick mother because I didn't take her. To her that was just abandoning her. Then she hooks up with her ex. She cuts me completely off and turn into this mean evil btch. She is a true succubus!

[its_tough]

Holy shi*t this was my relationship too.  We could only eat where she wanted, watch what she wanted, listen to her music, etc. etc.  Totally isolated me from my fiends and interests.  i had to lie about seeing my friends.  Forget about even mentioning a female.  Always about her.  She didn't have many friends either.  People would come and go in her life all the time.  I could never have outside interests.  It would take me away from her!  I could go on and on.  I try and remember those bad feelings whenever I miss her.  I know these traits in her, and in your ex, will never change.  She already moved on and broke up with another guy.  She told me she didn't like him playing in a baseball league.  Same old story... .

[Slo_Learner]

Ditto - this is EXACTLY like my ex. Right down to the refusal to do housework or cooking (even to share it)... .yes, sex when SHE wanted it and HOW she wanted it.

She also wanted me to get a job that ensured I would never have to stay away - but she would always be going away for trips... .

She didnt want kids - then when I agreed, she told me she now wants them and if I didnt then she would get someone else to get her pregnant. She would rage of I talked to a female... .but she would overtly flirt and get texts.

Now we are apart, her internet dating profile states she wants someone who is not interested in sport... .oh, and her comment with regards the 'romance question' - "you had better be good, because I am"... .she not only now dresses like a hooker, she is now talking like one... how desperate

[mindatrisk]

Ha!  Weird you should post about this... .Just over a year ago, and a long time before I knew about BPD, I said to a friend that my now ex was just like a succubus .   

[barmy1]

I find the housework and cleaning comment interesting as well.  MY now ex-wife never cooked or cleaned or did laundry or anything, even when she would be at home all day with nothing to do and she said she would.  She would even tell her mother, while I was there, that she always made dinner for me and cleaned and everything, when she never did once.  She would say to me we were cooking "together" which meant I cooked and she sat in the kitchen and talked to me.  To her mother, she cooked for me and I just relaxed after work.  And forget housework.  I would do it all on the weekends while she sat around the house all week while I was at work.  I would leave 1 thing for her to do on monday and by the next saturday it still wouldn't be done, so I would do it too.  Interesting that that is a common thing.

[PDQuick]

Having written almost the exact same post early on in my recovery, I will ask you this from where I currently stand. Did she suck the energy out of you, or did you allow her to do it?

[mindatrisk]

Having written almost the exact same post early on in my recovery, I will ask you this from where I currently stand. Did she suck the energy out of you, or did you allow her to do it?

It would always be us allowing them to suck energy out of us.  There is no demonic straw to be sucked through, it will always come down to us and the choices we make. 

[PDQuick]

 

[mindatrisk]

I'm not sure if anyone actually believed they were having the energy sucked out of them!  How would that work?  I think the feeling of having our energy drained from us is a testament to the skills of manipulation a BPD has developed.  I suppose what happens with many of us is that we find ourselves in a position where we are willingly giving them our energy without questioning it or even quite realising that we are... .in other words, it all just seems so normal and natural cos, 'this is love'. 

[outofzone]

You are right PDQuick! I allowed her to. We all did; no big secret here.

However, it is not that black or white; no bun intended. Human interpersonal relationships are complicated and it's not that trivial how we ended up allowing this to happen. When you develop feelings for another person and love them, naturally you will allow them more flexible boundaries. The big assumption here is that this person is sane and you love them and care about them. You will want to do things for them and expect the same in return; i.e. give and take dynamic.  The problem with having a relationship with a BPD is the way it starts and how we got hooked.

At the beginning of our relationship she gave me way more than I gave her. It was to a point where I'd feel bad and try to put forth a conscious effort to give more. When the honeymoon stage is over, we would be in denial for a while and think the bad things are just a temporary phase and the "real" person who we loved will emerge again. Again, because we don't think in black or white, it's hard for a normal person to quickly transition into realizing what's going on and completely changing the dynamic of the relationship. Of course this differs from a person to a person but it's the general theme to how the "allowing" occurs.

Of course within a normal healthy relationship, the give and take would balance out. Neither party would be, consciously or subconsciously, out to get the other. And yes some of us may have codependency or other issues but not necessarily all. This could happen to the best of them!

[bkay]

I'm not sure if anyone actually believed they were having the energy sucked out of them!  How would that work?  I think the feeling of having our energy drained from us is a testament to the skills of manipulation a BPD has developed.  I suppose what happens with many of us is that we find ourselves in a position where we are willingly giving them our energy without questioning it or even quite realising that we are... .in other words, it all just seems so normal and natural cos, 'this is love'. 

Reading this post is kind of a carbon copy of my r'ship and how I felt.  I remember (and I guess I still am exhausted) just feeling like the life was being sucked out of me.  And my r'ship was long distance- but the 30-50 calls and texts a day were draining enough.  But I mistook that for love.  And then when we were together a few days about every 3 weeks, he wouldn't really help with anything- just watch tv.  But he would follow me around the house, even when I went into the restroom.  He would want to know what I was doing and why I wouldn't sit and watch his tv shows all day (mostly MTV).  When he would follow me into the restroom, I would ask him to let me pee!  He would actually huff and puff, and sometimes get upset at me for "kicking him out of the bathroom".  He just couldn't "BE"... .and I catered to that and allowed it because I think I was afraid to rock the boat.  If I said something slight, it would cause problems- so I just allowed it to go on.  This is something that I will not allow again- and am working on as to why I was so afraid.

[Jos]

Succubus is a powerful word, really effective at describing the acts of a person who has a great need, a great inner drive, like a tornado. I have found that mental illness is not the cause but the influence. Any person can choose one thing or another, to behave this way or that, but when the influence is so strong, most people have trouble distinguishing right from wrong. Well so what do we do? Do we take our self-worth from the acts of one person? I don't think that's a good idea. I think the more accurate judge of things is the one who takes as many points of perspective as possible to weigh decisions of worth, and the most valuable decider of self-worth is ones self.

Succubus-- one who has great need, great want, and who does not return the favor. Pardon the succubi, they didn't mean to spill the tray of martinis on the basket of fine linens. Life just handed out some crappy cards, boring, and we all need a good hand sometimes.

[OC]

I have been thinking about a one word that would sum up and describe my uxBPDgf. I finally figured it out. She's a succubus!

I thought this thread was hysterical ... .

I went to bed about 9 last night, woke up about midnight-ish, couldn't go back to sleep, and decided to watch tv. I looked through the recorded programs and watched Sleepy Hollow, Season 2 Episode 8 called "Heartless."

I was watching and kind of drifting with the show, but my brain was following along. Suddenly I said to myself - WWWHAT? I had heard something that my head grabbed on to, and I had to backup the show to where the conversation began and figure out what it was.

Basically, the story was about a succubus that was unleashed, and I was like    yeah - makes sense to me. Before psychiatry and psychology, urban legend and religion was the source of explanatory information, and I wondered if the foundation of this succubus character was related to women who act like this.

After the last bomb fell on December 28, she completely eliminated me from her life so she could begin yet another relationship with someone new. She said I should stop playing the victim (wait a minute - I WAS the victim   ) and I never heard a word from her again.

I was going to write about this, but it seems you beat me to it - and from the looks of it, 5 1/2 years ago LOL. If you do a search on Google for BPD succubus, it seems there are others who made the same analogy.

I don't know ... .I can't blame her because it's all connected to "something that just happens" in her head. But then too, it's like getting shot ... .maybe you didn't mean to shoot me - but damn it - YOU DID!

[downwhim]

outofzone,

I get an upset stomach just reading about your experience because it mirrors my exBPD. Men can be this way too!  Sometimes I think borderline information focuses on women but please note men can and do have this same illness.

My exBPD would actually cook and clean.

He was very seductive. Sex was all about how he could control me and when he wanted it and how he wanted. Tv, plans, all was what he wanted. My friends according to him all had problems and he had no friends.

None of us wanted the life sucked out of us. No one offers up their life and says here put me in constant pain everyday, day in and day out. We got manipulated, we got seduced, we tried to please them to escape rages. We really thought it was love as most of us had no idea about BPD or it's ugly outcome... .

[Infared]

Love /hate that word.

My expwBPD definitely just became me ... .it was creepy... .when I met her she was in this cheesy garden apt. With a worn out, cat-clawed, faded hunter green couch... .5yrs. Later she runs off with new supply and sets up shop that was ALL me... .every bit of it... .of course she used everything she had succubussed off of me to make herself so alluring to the new catch.

Truly felt like I had been personally and emotionally raped and discarded. Brutal.

[meditatorguy]

Wow I can relate.  Feel like my bpd “ex”/chick I’m sort of dating/what the hell even is our relationship is a succubus too.  It’s like they want you addicted then disappear.  Bleah

Sorry you’re going through that op.  Hope things worked out well for you and life is good.  You’re going to be ok.

[Under The Bridge]

I can totally relate to everything here - it does drain the life out of you and I have never worked so hard and put so much effort into trying to keep a relationship with a BPD partner.

When you're with them youre doing the 'walking on eggshells' thing to try and avert any potential blow-ups, and when you're not with them you're wondering what they'll be like when you next see them. It got to the stage where every time I met my g/f I had no idea if she'd be pleased to see me or walk right past me and ignore me.

My ex was a brilliant pool player - she'd hammer everyone but when she eventually did get beat she was liable to just walk up to me and say 'We're through' and storm off. It utterly drains you to live like this, always wondering when they're going to snap into a rage or outburst.