new here, my pregnant bp daughter

[klalor]

I wish I would have found this community years ago. I felt as if I was very alone in this world with a daughter like mine. Here is a repost of my intro post on the new members board.

Hi

I'm here because I believe my 22-year-old daughter has BPD.  She has always been an extremely difficult child who had hours-long temper tantrums, tormented her brother and sisters to no end and we constantly lived in fear of setting her off. The worst part about this was that no one could believe our daughter was like that at home. She is extremely intelligent and hid the "bad" part of her very well. Her teachers would tell us how much they loved having her in class, how smart she was and how they wished they had more students like her.  I nwould often cry at night, because I loved her but didn't understand why it seemed as if she had no conscience. 

She did so many mean and manipulative things growing up. She acted like she loved her teachers and then came home and tell me what jerks they were and how they didn't like her. She looked at she looked down her nose at everyone.

As a teen, I tried to get her help, but she has such a way with people that she turned it all around and convinced the doctor I had the problems. She often made up lies to get attention and things got really bad about the time her boyfriend broke up with her. She went completely ballistic. She made up a story that he had come over when we were gone and pushed her down the stairs. I called the police to report the assault. She was furious with me, because then how was she supposed to get him back now... .My husband told her that he was no longer welcome at our house. Well that went over like a ton of bricks. The next day, she reported to her principal that her dad sexually abuses her. She told many different versions of the story and there is no way my husband ever touched her. The stories she told to social workers about our family life were completely made up. I just felt like my daughter and I had gone to the movies, sat through the same movie sitting next to each other, but I saw a family movie and she saw a horror flick.

Anyway, we were ruined financially, emotionally and socially defending my husband and our family from her accusations. She went to live with one of my sisters, who still doesn't speak to me to this day. We lived in fear for over a  year that my husband would go to jail and our other kids would be taken away from us.

Well over the past year or so, my daughter has inserted herself back into our lives through my now 20-year-old son and 17-year-old daughter. I have been cautiously optimistic that maybe she had changed. I still saw signs of her old self but since we don't see her that often, she mostly showed her good side.

Well that all changed yestserday. She and her current boyfriend broke up and she attempted suicide. It breaks my heart that she wanted to die and I stayed with her for several hours but then she started talking to me and pretty much spouted the same old stuff again. She told me about her boyfriend and how they were so perfect together and they had similar backgrounds, bad childhoods except he got shipped off to foster homes and she to an aunt's.  I was just stunned. I thought maybe she was on the verge of telling me she felt bad about all the stuff she did.  I just told her, "You know if you really think about it, you didn't have such a bad childhood." Then she backtracked and said, "oh it wasn't that bad just the end because you know mom all that stuff really did happen."

I don't know why I'm surprised she has done this. I honestly thought maybe she had changed. I know her suicide attempt wasn't really a wish to die, she didn't take very many pills and her actions were exaggerated. She just had this frantic need to "keep" her boyfriend, just like the time when she was a teen. I feel so conflicted. And on top of it, she found out she was pregnant when they were testing her blood. I could almost see the wheels turning in her head and sure enough, it was all about how the boyfriend would take it. I left there just sick. I cannot go back to see her today.

I just can't. We have rebuilt our lives over the past few years and I just can't allow it to turn into total chaos again. I have two younger children, ages 10 and 5 that I need to protect. I just feel so sorry for this baby. But I can't help her, I can't take the chance she would bring up new "accusations" when she decides she doesn't like us again.  She hinted at moving back home, but I just can't do it. For the first time since she entered our lives, we have peace in our home.

Well that is the condensed version of our life. The long version would be a 2 volume saga.

UPDATE

Just yesterday, she came over and acted as if nothing had happened. She says they dismissed her from the hospital after she told them she was fine. She refused antidepressants, says she is not depressed, just had a "bad day."  She acted as though she and I never had that conversation about her behavior as a teen. In fact, the day after we talked about it, she called her DAD's cell phone to see if he wanted to go to an event with her. I suspect she didn't call the home phone because she didn't want me to answer. She is still trying to manipulate him behind my back. My sister says I should just tell her she is no longer welcome in our lives, good-bye. However, I am still waffling because #1, I still care about her, and #2 I fear she might do something destructive to us, just as she has in the past.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[bjewels11]

I would be careful.   Our 18 yr old is preganant also.   She lives with an aunt and uncle who have told her that she can stay but not the baby.   Of course she thinks she can do it all raise the baby and have a job.  She has never had a job but did have an interview at subway yesterday.   You must protect yourself and other children from daughter.   We have been thru many accuations also.  Mainly against myself being a "step mom" according to her mood. I have tried to kill her so many times I should be in jail for eing a failere at it personally.  You can see past post,    I legally adopted her at 8.   We are going to use tough love.   I plan to document everything and will let authorties in on it as needed.   We are not going to give her money but will monitor baby if she decides not to go for adoption.   She can not take care of herself let alone a child.   Document document document.       

[lbjnltx]

dear klalor,

so sorry to hear that the saga continues.  unfortunately all of these behaviors you describe are typical BPD.  have you and your d discussed how she plans to handle her pregnancy?  has the father come back into her life?

as bejewels said, document any contact that your family has with her.  when my d 12 was dx BPD, i started keeping a journal of daily incidents good and bad.  i also keep a graph that shows behavior/moods.  i called cps and informed them that my d was dx BPD and that false accusations of abuse are quite common.  it also helps each time she is evaluated and asked if she has been abused (mind you i am in the room) that she says no.  it is then permanently in her records for future reference for our defense if it becomes necessary.  i also keep a written history of the highlights of treatment, run ins with the law, doctor visits, etc.  it is all kept in a binder for easy access and quick reactions should we need it.  also may be a good idea to make a copy of the pages in Stop Walking On Eggshells that state this type of behavior and keep it in the binder to show to any authority that is believing your d if future accusations arise.


have you read up on BPD?  what books have you read? when was your d dx with BPD?  has she ever been in therapy?


Please keep us in the loop and tell us how we can help.  take care of yourself first and foremost.  the rest of your family needs you and believe it or not your d needs you too!

Blessings

lbjnltx

[everydaydeco]

Hi;

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation.  But glad to know that you are at least considering preserving the peace that you've been able to rebuild. 

My daughter is much older than yours, but otherwise, there are similarities with your daughter.  Last week, the drama du jour was that she never wanted to see me again.  This said with real coldness.  Since I've mostly devoted my life to trying vainly to save her and for the past ten years my grandson, it was pretty shocking and horrific.  This time (of course it's not the first time) I just felt like I really really want out of this sick stuff.  I want to recover as you have.  But I'm just at the start of it. 

So difficult though it is, I envy you the space you've won for yourself.

[StillBarbM]

My 18 year old is pregnant for the second time.  With the first, we totally invested our time into her situation.  She was only 16, still in high school, still legally my responsibility as well.

I'll leave out my own 2 volume saga on how things went with that but the nutshell is, the trauma of a premature birth so chances are that couild happen to her again, combined with the boyfriend being a real jerk**f and she is still involved with him and he may or may not be the father of this baby, her bipolar issues, a little postpartum depression/psychosis that has gone untreated and has a huge chance of happening again and what is being seen as full blown BPD (her father and brother both have a bona fide diagnosis), I'm sure you can get the idea.  During that first pregnancy, we had some semblence of control over her.  This time?

Now, she is pregnant again.  I've fought for my granddaughter who is 19 months old now.  She is being raised in a home that is BPD/mental illness free.  It is quiet (as it can be with a toddler at any rate), reasonable, warm, nurturing and did I say peaceful?  I'm simply not willing to risk what would happen should I offer to let my daughter come back home.  As much as my heart bleeds for the little unborn baby she is carrying right now, I will not put my little granddaughter in a situation that invites the chaos that our home was in when my daughter was her.  It isn't fair to her, and totally defeats the purpose of what we went through to get custody of her.

You say you have younger children still in your home.  They need to continue to be protected.  They deserve to have peace, harmony and stability.  Hang on to that idea.  I do and it helps me keep strong on my decision to not bail my daughter out this time.  Love, hugs and God bless, Barb

[stillhere]

Wow klalor... .you have been through the wringer (as have most of us!).  It definitely sounds like your daughter is BPD but I wonder if there's something else going on as well.  Some of what you described sounds almost delusional.  I agree with bjewels... .document everything.

I think one of the worst parts of BPD is how they can behave as if nothing ever happened 20 minutes after they've ripped your heart and your life to shreds.  My sd can seem almost posessed one minute and then act as if nothing ever happened the next.  She can also be selective in who she targets.  She can be in the middle of a raging tantrum where she's calling my husband every name in the book, screaming, throwing things, the whole ball of wax, and her grandmother will call.  She answers the phone and very sweetly talks to her "nanny" about how terrible we are.  Even though her grandmother is sometimes the target of the rage, she's unable to support our efforts to shut it down.  Ugh.

[Pizzas123]

I am in the same situation.  My daughter is 30, pregnant, and absolutely not up to the task of raising a child.  Her soon-to-be ex-husband is demanding an abortion, which she is refusing.  Now she is hinting about moving home.  I know she will abandon this child and my husband and I will be stuck raing it.  I hate abortion but in this case I see nothing good for this poor innocent child.  My husband and I feel helpless and our lives are not our own anymore.  Should I mention our daughter has a drug, alcohol and eating disorder?  Not to mention an out of control shopping problem.  So sad.

[ConflictedxAMillion]

Oh my gosh Klalor, it's so difficult and I so feel for you.

Many people here have similiar situations.  YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

My daughter sounds just like your, minus the abuse accusations and the pregnancy - however, there have been other stories about other people abusing her - which I believed at the time and we actually went to court - at the time she was 14 and the guy was 21 - she had a sleepover at a friends house and the snuck out and met up with this guy who got the girls drunk and her girlfriend left her there.  So who knows what really happened.  She could have been sexually abused as she said, she could have been raped - but she denies that to this day (she's 21 now), she could have been a willing participant in any sexual encounter-even though she was under age, and nothing at all could have happened.

The lies have been extravagant, and the stories are endless and phenomenal.  I swear if she put that to good use, she could be a good book author, movie-maker or something.

She recently moved away about 4 months ago - basically because she became a heroin addict and was lying and stealing from family members, her work and her friends, her favorite hangout-the bowling alley, she got caught shop lifting the day before they left.  So essentially her and her boyfriend left "to go start a new life" and get away from the mayhem they created here.

Two years ago I dragged her to planned parenthood and we got the arm implant which is good for three years.  So I don't have to worry about that right away. 

However, at this point life has become normal for us too - (her stepdad, myself and her half sister who is 7 years younger for the first time since she came into our lives as well.  I feel very strongly that if she came back into our lives again I would not let her come live with us.  I owe it to my younger daughter to allow her to get through the rest of her years with us in a normal environment.  She has suffered greatly at the hands of her sister's chaos.

Stand strong.  You need to maintain a normal life for the rest of your family.  You can still have a relationship with your daughter.  You just need to be creative in the boundaries that you need to set with her.