Definitely read "Splitting" and also read up on BIFF communication.

You're fortunate that there are no kids involved, so just keep that in mind:  You can and will eventually extricate yourself from this situation...

A few suggestions:
- get a voice recorder, and keep it running 24/7.  even if you're in a two-party state, keep it running.  it's the only thing that will protect you from false claims re: DV, etc.
- if your w is prone to rages, violent behavior, or self harm, consider installing security cameras. again, it's the only way to protect yourself when/if a false victim narrative attempts to frame you for her injuries, etc.
- make sure anything valuable to you is already secure before you deliver the news.  remove any important papers, heirlooms, etc. to somewhere safe.  I put a couple of file boxes of things in my uncle's basement, including harddrive backups when I went through this.  I was concerned that my ex would smash the computer, etc.
- the recommendation to have your atty deliver the news is a good one.
- have contingency plans.  i.e., if you intend to cohabitate, have a backup plan in case that doesn't work out. 
- be ready to call 911 if your W threatens self harm or behaves in a way that's dangerous to others.  candidly, this may be the only way that her erratic behavior can be documented.  there's also a small chance that such intervention will actually help her in the long run.  too often, those of us in caretaker roles are reluctant to take this action and sacrifice ourselves before we put a partner in a position to face consequences.  my strongest advice is:  be ready to make that 911 call if there is a real threat or danger, and let your W face the consequences.

This is truly a huge topic, so don't hesitate to check in here anytime with more Qs, and let us know how you're doing.

My divorce decree states that the parties will "use OFW or similar, and communicate anything in regard to the kids via email or text."

In my experience, OFW was very good for tracking expenses, and the tone monitor was occasionally helpful.  It lasted about a year until my uBPDxw decided that OFW was a surveillance tool used by manipulative ex husbands to control their ex wives.  Her false victim mindset was on full display, but nonetheless, the language of the decree was soft on this point and the reality was that she simply didn't want to pay.  OFW has an annual subscription cost, and services like the tone monitor are an extra upcharge. 

So, OFW went away and we've defaulted to email and text.  I set a shared google calendar to track parenting time, holidays, extra curriculars, doctor appointments, etc. - which she refuses to use (no different than when we were married, surprise surprise).  And expense reconciliation is a manual process vs. the automatic tracking with OFW...

In my view, OFW is well worth it if everyone is on board. 

In my case, even if I offered to pay for both parties (not a great precedent, but...) I'd still have to deal with poor compliance / weak participation / passive avoidance - because everyone knows OFW is just another tool that abusive men use to control women! /sarcasm.

One way you might navigate this is to add it to stipulations now, and then incorporate it in your final decree with clear language that eliminates wiggle room.  e.g., "the parties agree to utilize OFW.  each party will be responsible for their individual costs to use OFW.  OFW will be used for all communications re: kids, schedule, school, extra curriculars, vacations, holidays, exceptions, expenses - and any other child related matters.  OFW will be used for expense tracking and reconciliation, and child-related calendar"

Good luck!   

I wanted to re post and update you all on my situation. It has been a few months now at this point. Today my still wife admitted herself into the hospital because of SI. This past Tuesday she had a break down and I went to talk with her and spend the evening trying to calm her down. Now today that she was admitted I had an extremely long day at work and still went to the hospital afterwards to try and see her. I was not let in but they gave me her things.

Here is where I might have crossed a line. When I got to my car I threw her stuff on the passenger seat and her phone lit up. I saw a message from a guy I never heard about that said "I miss you." My heart sank. For the past 6 months I have been trying to make her life as comfortable to transition back to being independent as I can. What I mean by this is I have kept paying her phone, Health insurance, car insurance, and car payment. That is on top of me still paying her child support. I have been trying everything to sure her that no matter her episodes I will still be there.

Now I have been pretty sure these past 2 months that a relationship would not work out between us again but seeing that text really hurt. Fortunately, I have a decent relationship with her mom and step dad (has been in her life 9 years). I called them to ask if they knew. They said yes. Apparently it has been a thing for a few months. The last 2-3 months she has been seeing and sleeping with this other guy, who she seems to be using as a replacement, I have been trying my besst to cheer her up and make her feel beautiful and validated. Mother's day I took her flowers and got her tickets to Matt Rife as a gift. She still just was living a double life going to him every night. We are separated and we both knew that. I guess I am just upset that I was made such a big fool. After what I tried to do for her I think I deserved some honesty.

I have read countless blogs on here with people struggling with their BPD partner. It is amazing to me how every story is almost the same play by play. This whole last year I have read and almost had a foreshadowing of the next thing to come.

We do have a 2 and half year-old daughter. I know one of the pieces of advice here is to ask for custody while the person does therapy and gets better. After this last little thing that happened, I think it is the only right thing I should do. With another person in her ear, I do not know what she is going to try to do and that is a scary position to be in. Any advice on how to go about it from here? I do not want to keep her from her daughter physically but I think it is in her best interest and my best protection to legally have her be under my custody. I do not want to hurt my wife. I truly wish her happiness and for her to be better.

However, in trying to save her, I lost myself. I fell empty and this last finding was the final knife. She truly has left me a shell of a man right now.

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Thank you, I appreciate the reminder that I haven't done something wrong. And you're right I really don't know if this person has avoidant attachment, this is really just me throwing it out there to try and make sense of what's happened. I wish I had more information to go on, and I'd like to ask them, but I also want to make sure that I'm actually giving them space if they need it. I think what I'm learning is regardless of the reasons, I think we are probably not on the same page, and I'm trying to just accept that. And I think my reaction to this distancing is magnified by a LOT of other stuff going on in my life right now, and I think what I've taken away from this is that I am grieving SOOOO many things. I think I need to get a better handle on everything that's come up. I don't want to hurt someone because I'm not managing my own feelings (unintentionally of course). I know how that feels in my current relationship with stbxh and I don't want to do that to someone else. Now that I've realized this is happening, I'm just taking some time to just focus on righting my own ship and trying to deal with some of my own life stresses so it doesn't bubble over into other relationships, work, etc.

Hi BT400
Thanks for posting what is happening for you at this point in time. It's great the book has resonated with you - and I imagine that it is really, really tough at the moment.

There are so many factors involved in when and what boundaries we set in relation to our bpd children. Clearly you are at a point where you can't go on as you have been going and this is the moment to draw a line.

Do you mind telling us what boundaries you have put in place and how the reaction has been? Are you still in contact with your dd or is she with her mother?

H saw more of the body language than I did, and he thinks the guy is Mom's new boyfriend. So now I'm more worried -- what if she brings him in the house? (A), he's a strange adult man, and (b), what if it riles up Stepdad even more?

I know there isn't anything I can do about it -- but I worry for the kids if there is a new adult male around.

Yes, she could be anticipating (dreading) the upcoming exchange.

My Custody Evaluator, a respected child psychologist, stated preschoolers and elementary schoolers (he used up to the age of 10 years) did best with 2-2-3 schedules*, similar to what you have, splitting each week.

* 2-2-3 allows each parent to have an alternate weekend: Mon-Tue overnight with one parent, Wed-Thu overnight with other parent, Fri-Sat-Sun overnights alternated between parents.

What happened in my court orders:  When our order changed when my son was about 11 years old, I told my lawyer I wanted a change to alternate weeks.  That was for my benefit, my ex used exchanges to play games with me and disparage me.  My lawyer replied, "Do you want the court to believe your kid would do better apart from you longer?"  I didn't change it.

My court recognizes that children in their teen usually want a "home base" and offers that one parent step back to being an alternate weekend parent.  Unless your ex wants to be the one to step back, don't do it.  You need as much time with your child as possible.

If you end up splitting weeks until she ages out of the system at age 18, that's okay, you need to be there for her as much as possible.

I have been reading through a lot of the posts on here, and some past ones, and am gathering together things that seem helpful. Many of them seem mostly helpful in the angry explosion mode. For instance, I have written down:
-Do not accept blame when it is undue, and try to state this.
-Be non-reactive, respond without pleading, apologising or anger (that's a hard one!).
-Validate his feelings not his words, and if this is not heard enforce a boundary.
-Let him explode to your boundaries (this one has always scared me the most, that he will pull the nuclear plug and throw me out).
This is all really helpful, and I am learning a lot.

However, in the angry silence of a stonewall I am still unsure what to do. I have also written down:
-Let him manage his own feelings, politely disengage.
-Don't ride his rollercoaster (I like this a lot, but it is very hard to disentangle your own feelings).

Does this seem like a good interpretation of what I am reading? Is there anything else I can or shouldn't do? It's been over a month of silence, and I get awful waves of despondency.

I am learning to unpick my own issues. My own mother-in-law calls me a doormat. From childhood emotional abuse I have learnt to think that my own feelings are not valid, and that my distress is less value than other people's. Even now, my brother, who is a counsellor, gets competitive in telling me that his attachment disorder is worse than mine, that he is more messed up. That's not a fun competition to win.
I am terrified of opening up, and have never spoken of any of this to people in real life. Writing out a post here was an act of real vulnerability. For the last few hours I have sat her processing feelings of shame and anxiety. Though no one owes me a response in the slightest, having none does feed into my fear that I am posting out of turn, and I shouldn't have asked for help.

I'm working through seeing the line between the way I am and what I am experiencing, but this is hard as my instinct is always to blame myself and assume it was me, which makes strategies outlined above challenging. I have tried counselling a couple of times before, but been unlucky in that it has been very superficial. A worksheet on boundaries, does not help me work through why trying to enforce them makes me feel like I am going to vomit. I'm not currently in a financial position to try again right now.

I've dumped a lot out here, and getting away from my original question. Either way, any advice would be hugely appreciated.

Thank you.