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Does this make any sense to you in your situation? Apologies for hijacking your thread.....how are you today?
No need for apologies my friend! On the contrary, I greatly value these exchanges and am immensely grateful for this space where we can all share .
It does make sense in my situation. Today, I feel happy . I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I understand that this feeling may not last forever, but I am working towards having the tools to navigate whatever situations life throws at me.
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I hear what you're saying about being glad you were there for him - I guess that's the selfless part of love, where you're truly just giving it without anything expected in return. But from what you were saying, being there for him was hurting you... which of course it would. So I'd say in response to your question about contacting him - are you ready for the fact that if you open the door to checking on him, you might be hurting your own heart in the process? And also potentially confusing the boundary you've tried to set with him in terms of not being the one to be there for him?
I don't get this stuff right at all, and it's so much easier to look from the outside at someone else's situation, but I hope that what you choose to do protects and takes care of your own heart first and foremost... whilst still leaving that beautiful care and compassion for others in there too, which I have no doubt you'll always do anyway.
I don't get this stuff right at all, and it's so much easier to look from the outside at someone else's situation, but I hope that what you choose to do protects and takes care of your own heart first and foremost... whilst still leaving that beautiful care and compassion for others in there too, which I have no doubt you'll always do anyway.
Ah, boundaries. You and me both `don`t get this stuff right` . Here is my thinking right now:
- I pondered how I am as a person. I am very soft, sensitive, and appeasing. I like to dote on people, and during conflict I want to bridge the divide by going towards the other person. For a long time, I wanted to be different; I wanted to be strong and be able to put people in their place. While I can certainly work on becoming more assertive, I love myself as I am. He certainly does have a valid point in saying that someone who is more like my second description may be what he needs in a partner. I don`t think I can provide that, and it`s okay;
- I also realized that a lot of what I was categorizing as romantic feelings for him would better be considerd unresolved feelings. The time we truly seperated (which I consider to be when he started his latest relationship) was honestly pretty traumatizing for me. I have since forgiven him for the things he said, for my own sake (I don`t even think he remembers), but when I view those emotions as being a tether in my brain to the past, I realize that I wouldn`t want to be with him now, either;
- Of course, there is some hesitancy in these realizations. Their timing is a little opportunistic in the sense that if having romantic feelings for him was what was getting in the way of talking to him, well now I have this reasoning that allows for me to bypass that and be there for him;
- So, back to boundaries. I think that if I maintain my role as support, and not friend with him, I am okay. That`s an important distinction. Again, it`s not super clear, as after I told him I can be his support he said that he doesn`t feel comfortable. Then he said that he will sit with it. Then he sent me an article about BPD, and we`ve been exchanging a couple of thoughts. It`s honestly pretty similar to an exchange we`d have here on the forum. My T said it is important for me to ponder what boundaries would serve me, what obstacles might come up (even if it`s something like I`d feel distressed and anxious). Time will tell, and I`m paying attention to how I feel. I feel supported by her, and by this community.