divorce, countered with seperation and conceling

[Narrow Gate]

My uBPDw told me yesterday she was going to file.  I bought some time with the idea of a trial seperation and some marrige counseling, focused on the high conflict couple model.  That means me moving out, she would stay w/ kids in the house.   Any suggestion would be apreciated.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[MissyM]

My dBPDh and I are separated and doing the High Conflict Couple with a DBT therapist.  We were separated before we started it and he will be moving back home in July.  However, I would recommend going to the DBT therapist BEFORE separating.  The whole premise of the High Conflict Couple is to be on each other's team.  My dBPDh is also in treatment with an IC, group therapy and goes to 12 step meetings.  Would she be willing to wait and see what the DBT therapist says?

[Narrow Gate]

I am not sure.  We (I) haven't found a T yet.  If I can make that happen quickly I might be able to buy some time.  There is a group that specilizes in DBT that I have sent an intro email to.  Had planned on calling them tomorrow.

[MissyM]

I emailed several DBT therapists and told them my husband and I were interested in doing the High Conflict Couple.  Only 2 responded and seemed to know what I was talking about.  I interviewed 2 and picked the one that was the best fit.  So I suggest contacting as many DBT therapists in your area that you can find.  Fruzetti also has groups that you can join as a spouse, that are all over the country.  I plan on doing that later.

[maxsterling]

So, she wants to end things, you want try and work on things, correct?  A question I am sure you have considered - what are your reasons for wanting to work on things considering she is adamant on ending it?  You are right to think nothing will improve if she is not willing to get some kind of help.  I ask because I ask myself the same question.  At what point do I throw in the towel?  But then again, I'm not married to her, nor do we have kids, but I would like both at some point.

My advice is to think long and hard about how much work counseling and separation would be compared to what long term changes you can reasonably expect.  I know in my case, if she came up with some kind of plan for leaving, I'd be heartbroken, but at this point I am just so exhausted I may just see the heartbreak as temporary in exchange for future freedom.

[Narrow Gate]

There are three kids and I have MS and on Dissability. (which makes everything fun) The youngest is a very emotional girl and I am trying to break the cycle.  My wife may never recover or improve but I want to explore all options.  She is very high functioning which might be a negative (never hitting hock bottom).  I have grieved the loss of our marriage, so I am not being nieve (sp). Our first round of T was an eye opener for me.  Showed me how much I was not seeing.  It helped me find this site.

[Grey Kitty]

Hello and welcome! You will find lots of support, whatever path you end up taking.

A question: Has your wife made threats of divorce or leaving before? Or is this a totally new thing?

A reading suggestion: What you are looking for instead of divorce is this:

Therapeutic Separation

Reading this topic will help you understand what it will take, and more on your chances with it.

 GK

[Narrow Gate]

This is the second time I have been pussed this far.  I think she talked to her mom on the phone the morning of , she is a big pusher of this topic.  The Mom stood in my kitchen one time and told me my marriage was dead, and ? why I still was fighting for it.  Alway fun when you have that kind of support. 

[MissyM]

This is the second time I have been pussed this far.  I think she talked to her mom on the phone the morning of , she is a big pusher of this topic.  The Mom stood in my kitchen one time and told me my marriage was dead, and ? why I still was fighting for it.  Alway fun when you have that kind of support.

Oh, I hate that!  My dBPDh's mother and brother are the same way.  Of course, his brother has never married (52 years old) and his mother doesn't want either of her "boys" married.  I believe my MIL is BPD, she believes herself to be the victim and hates me.  She has behaved in absolutely horrific ways and my dBPDh's therapist wants him to not have contact with his family, or if they do have minimal contact.  His thinking gets really distorted when he talks to his family.

[Grey Kitty]

You know... . when you say that your wife said yesterday that she was going to file for divorce... . that is still at the threatening and grandstanding level. Very different from actually taking legal action or moving out.

At this point, you can say things like "I love you and do not want to separate, however I cannot force you to stay."