Want to Give Wife who has Split me Black a Hug

[slimmiller]

La


(2) We were young, and in a way, we were both innocent.  Now that she has had an affair and become Ke$ha, that innocence will be lost (she always said that she could never forgive an affair).  When a person changes this much, from good, studious, wholesome mommy and into a party girl, is it ever possible to think that she will be that wonderful mother that she used to be again? 



 

Exact describtion of mine... .   :'(  It helps me immensley lately to realize that when she was that, (The good mommy etc) it was all an act. Now she is her true self. As my mentor in Divorcecare said, "everybody else thinks they are nice."  "But nice people are not always good"

Sad!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Auspicious]

So here's the problem - no one is going to be able to answer the questions you've asked. It depends on the person. She might revert back; she might not. You might be able to work through a reconciliation, or you might not (a lot of that depends on you too). I can tell you this much, you can't count on her to revert back and you can't count on her to stay on the side of the Jedi even if she does go back. Everything to do with her is completely unpredictable. So it all comes down to you and what you want or are willing to deal with

I agree with this.

If you believe that she has BPD, then you believe that she has a real and very serious mental illness. Nobody can predict what will happen with it.

This new "party girl" was always a part of her, you just didn't see it before.

Possibly.

And that "wonderful mother" is still in there too.

Possibly.

BPD involves identity instability, and a very weak or empty identity at core.

These "wonderful mother" and "party girl" personas may have been aspects of her personality all along ... .   or she may have been "trying on" different identities. There may or may not be anything persistent or "real" about them.

[jedicloak]

My sweet, beautiful, and loving wife has become thoroughly hidden behind a wall of negativity, and the only thing I want at this point is for her to move on in life with an understanding that she is wonderful and worthy of love.  Can this be done? 

If you could have "given" her this understanding... .   it would have happened in 7 years. It's not yours to give her. She has to realize this inside herself. Your history speaks for itself... .   all the times you have managed the intolerable. Have peace that you have done your best. No words or hugs from you can solve this for her. The fact that you are on this site seeking ideas is a testament to your caring. The trick is to know when to take care of yourself and putting her issues aside (oh, if ONLY it was SO easy like that).

Be good to you.

[BPDdaddy]

Going to see my kids in an hour and make them dinner, and I have severe anxiety about seeing my wife.  It's almost as if the only reason that I want to know whether she will finally change back to normal is to understand whether this nightmare will ever end. 

[ForeverDad]

Do you have any real basis to believe things are really and truly different this time, different enough from all the prior times?

Frankly, the odds are against it.  The only way you could trust a claimed recovery or "back to friends again" relationship is if it persisted positively for months and years, not minutes or days.  Until then it has to be 'provisional' and guarded.

While you can of course welcome better contact, don't let it fool you into complacency.  She's already made allegations against you, don't let her find a way to add to the list.

Be fully aware that if she's nice it's most likely situational, that is, she feels she has to be nice or wants to be nice.  Odds are it's only temporary and when she gets what she wants or is out from under close scrutiny by officialdom then the walls will come down and the barricades up.

Meanwhile, be very careful to avoid being in private locations where she can either frame you for claimed abuse or in some other way make you look worse than her.

[Auspicious]

BPD is a real and serious mental illness. If she actually suffers from it, she is not going to magically "change back to normal."

I second ForeverDad's cautions. While obviously improvement to the situation can be welcomed, be aware that it may be very temporary.

What accusations did she make against you, and to whom, BTW?

[briefcase]

We've reached our four page limit for this topic, so its time to lock it up.