Boundaries or taking a step backward

[unicorn2014]

Unicorn, if you don't enforce a boundary, there won't be any extinction bursts. Instead, he'll learn that he can walk right over you whenever you try to set a boundary.

Flourdust, after messaging him last night he decided to go no contact until he had something to show me. I wasn't ready to make that decision. It had been suggested to me that we remain in a LDR until he got his house in order and I make no demands or accusations. That resonated more with my personality. I had asked him to call me after he met with his lawyer in person. He has a much stronger personality then I do, which is both a part of the problem, and in this case a part of the solution. All I can tell you is when I looked up his name in the docket system and found nothing it caused a crisis, and then when I asked him to have his lawyer call me and he said it caused another crisis.

[LonelyChild]

Unicorn, if you don't enforce a boundary, there won't be any extinction bursts. Instead, he'll learn that he can walk right over you whenever you try to set a boundary.

Flourdust, after messaging him last night he decided to go no contact until he had something to show me. I wasn't ready to make that decision. It had been suggested to me that we remain in a LDR until he got his house in order and I make no demands or accusations. That resonated more with my personality. I had asked him to call me after he met with his lawyer in person. He has a much stronger personality then I do, which is both a part of the problem, and in this case a part of the solution. All I can tell you is when I looked up his name in the docket system and found nothing it caused a crisis, and then when I asked him to have his lawyer call me and he said it caused another crisis.

How do you feel about this? Have you told him that you are not ready to go NC like this?

[unicorn2014]

Unicorn, if you don't enforce a boundary, there won't be any extinction bursts. Instead, he'll learn that he can walk right over you whenever you try to set a boundary.

Flourdust, after messaging him last night he decided to go no contact until he had something to show me. I wasn't ready to make that decision. It had been suggested to me that we remain in a LDR until he got his house in order and I make no demands or accusations. That resonated more with my personality. I had asked him to call me after he met with his lawyer in person. He has a much stronger personality then I do, which is both a part of the problem, and in this case a part of the solution. All I can tell you is when I looked up his name in the docket system and found nothing it caused a crisis, and then when I asked him to have his lawyer call me and he said it caused another crisis.

How do you feel about this? Have you told him that you are not ready to go NC like this?

Yes I talked to him this morning and I identified the problem at hand and decided on a course of action I can live with. I'm going to move back over to the staying board once I decide what issue I'm working on next. After discussing the issue I realized that putting the relationship on hold was not the correct boundary, remaining long distance until my partner got his affairs in order was the correct boundary, and it brought more things to light that will help the relationship move forward. I feel some degree of relief at this moment.

[LonelyChild]

I feel some degree of relief at this moment.

I'm glad to hear that!

Something to keep in mind: You say that your fiancé has a strong personality - I'm sure he has, but also remember that pwBPD need much guidance even though they appear to be very self confident!

[unicorn2014]

I feel some degree of relief at this moment.

I'm glad to hear that!

Something to keep in mind: You say that your fiancé has a strong personality - I'm sure he has, but also remember that pwBPD need much guidance even though they appear to be very self confident!

Thank you so much lonely child, I really appreciate that. You've been very helpful to me. I look forward to seeing you on my next thread over on the staying board.

[formflier]

In my case, when I explicitly state a boundary, it ends up being a giant red "Push Me!" button for him.  So for me, I have to find "quieter" ways to state the boundary, or not state it at all, depending on the situation.

This is important advice.


Boundaries are much better lived out than explained.  pwBPD focus more on what you do than what you say (generally).

Stating boundaries usually ends up in an argument.

Living boundaries usually ends up with boundary working to protect the person setting the boundary.

Thoughts?

FF

[unicorn2014]

Form flier, if I do not tell my partner I am putting the r/s on hold until he can prove to me he has filed for divorce then I am basically giving him the st which is a BPD behavior.

Some boundaries have to be stated, and the onus is on me to resist the extinction bursts. I've already decided that putting the r/s on hold wasn't going to work for me, and going no contact until my partner could confirm he filed for divorce wasn't going to work for me either.

I decided to follow  Turkish's  advice to remain in a long distance relationship until my partner could confirm he filed for divorce.

That is significant because my partner was planning on moving out here in two weeks and I put a stop to it. Once I review the boundaries lesson again I will start a new topic on my new boundary. I had actually decided with my former therapist a long time ago that I was not going to leave the r/s while it was long distance because I hadn't yet had a chance to see what it looked like on the ground. I've put a lot of time and energy into this r/s and really would like to see what it looks like without the distance as a factor. I've spent a lot of time in therapy talking about how challenging the distance is and the kind of problems it creates, so delaying his move is no small feat and I do believe that is a self protective boundary.

[formflier]

Form flier, if I do not tell my partner I am putting the r/s on hold until he can prove to me he has filed for divorce then I am basically giving him the st which is a BPD behavior.

I understand how you see this.  Understandable to see it this way and want to avoid seeming "BPDish".  I believe if you make the focus about you and things you control, vice things that you want your partner to do the boundary will flow more naturally.

Very important to own these decisions vice making a decision someone elses "fault" or responsibility.

"I'm going to take a break because you (fill in blank)"

seems very different from

"I'm going to take a break to assess where my values and feelings are in the r/s"

"I need time to evaluate how I feel about things, I'll check in with you in a week.  Please understand this is about me and not you."

I believe both of my proposed states avoid any hint of ST.

I'm not suggesting that you say any of this, I'm hoping you see that there are ways to carve out time for yourself without "seeming" like you are giving ST.

Remember pwBPD (and many of us!) are very sensitive to blame.  Make it about you... own it... .take the power for yourself.

FF

[unicorn2014]

Hi form flier, thank you for reply and it makes sense however I'm not at the point where I'm ready to take a break yet. I think I've failed to communicate the intricacy of my r/s. We ft every day. When I have a problem with my daughter, I call him. We actually have good times together like discussing food, diet, exercise, movies, books, etc. I know what I value and what I feel. That's what dbt and recovery are for.

I want to say a bit about dishonesty. When adult children are working on their character defects, dishonesty is one of them. Both my partner and I are adult children in recovery. So if I set a boundary with him for his dishonesty that is making a statement that I think I'm morally superior to him. When I was a child my mother used to call me a liar. When this issue came up I swore to myself that I would not treat my partner the way my mother treated me. My partner says he is working on getting a new lawyer and solving the problem. I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt.

[formflier]

So if I set a boundary with him for his dishonesty that is making a statement that I think I'm morally superior to him. 

Looking forward to a discussion about boundaries after you review the lessons.

I get a vibe here that you believe a boundary is "about him" or "doing something to him" or that the boundary somehow speaks to him.

It's about you and your values.

FF

[unicorn2014]

Hi form flier, I think what I'm trying to say is that it would feel hypocritical to me to pause the relationship for dishonesty because I think that anyone who struggles with any kind of codependency has the potential to be dishonest. I think that I have created a boundary that works for me by following  Turkish's advice. I think I need to move on to the next lesson on the undecided board.