Wanting revenge...

[wolf22]

I am still pretty new here.  After 7 months with exBPD, found out she was sleeping with another guy at work a week after I had to end things with her because she was playing games with me.  Found out by snooping (I know), and today I am going to have to see this guy at work.

I was crushed and cried for days.  Now I find myself full of anger and want to get even with her for LYING to me for 7 months and then sleeping with someone so fast.  Has anyone been through this, and what is a healthy outlet?  Her ex is taking her to court for custody of her kids.  I used to hate him, but now I understand him and feel bad for the games that must have been played on him.  I keep having the conversation in my head what I going to say to her if I have to see her.  Any thoughts on how to stop wanting this revenge on her!  Its amazing to think 2 weeks ago I cried having to send her an email saying good-bye

[BlushAndBashful]

I can relate to so much in your post.  I, too, hated those "crazy psycho" exwives my pwBPD had. He was so mistreated and abused. I didn't know how he could keep attracting crazy. Now I know he didn't attract them... .he made them that way!

My pwBPD was in bed with another woman in under 24 hours. A-hole.

I've had a running conversation in my head- it's a rant, really. I know if I ran into him I would go seriously apesh!t all over him. Which is yet another reason I avoid him. I don't need a restraining order. 

Is there any way you can avoid this guy today? Call in sick? Or, can you focus on all the misery that this guy will have to endure? He's clueless what's about to hit him.

[marbleloser]

 There's no need for revenge wolf22.Their life is revenge enough.It's easy to want to and it's normal.In my case,I was the other man,and she was married as was I.Her ex took the high road,called me and talked,and was a gentleman about everything.This,after I had heard what a monster he was to her.I found out later that he was an ok,normal,every day guy and she had done this before.So,don't get mad at the guy she's sleeping with.Don't worry about revenge on her.Focus on yourself,because you're the only one you have any control over.

Trust me,their life is revenge enough.

[myself]

Sorry for your pains and frustrations. You did say you said goodbye to her, though. Be happy she's not your problem anymore. Walk away from it as best you can. There's no reason for revenge or even being very angry about it. Once you two split up you were both free to see or not see whoever you want. Sorry but's that's the truth of it. Try your best to forget about her. As Mauser said, it's the other guy's misery now, not yours. Work on your own healing. Do something fun. Be ready to be with someone better. Breathe. Relax.

[GreenMango]

Wolf

Part of the grieving process is anger.  That anger we feel can mask other feelings of hurt, feeling betrayed, etc. 

It may help to acknowledge all those feelings that are being masked by your anger.  I found writing out that closure letter explaining my feelings and the things my ex had done helpful.  It's a letter for you.  I don't recommend sending it because in all likelihood she won't be capable of responding with empathy.

But it can provide a release and tackle that conversation you are having in your head with her.

GM

[SWLSR]

Wanting revenge is a hatural process, however it is one that needs to be acted on with great caution.  If we the non allows ourselves to stay in revenge mode we run this risk of delaying our recovery.  The best revenge is to heal yourself and leave her to her own devices.  She will most likley continue her path of destruction and it will catch up with her, sooner than you realize.   

[exbpdgf]

oh, boy howdy don't I know this one. I'm less than 6 months out of my breakup with uBPD gf and I have found out she lied many many times (about big and small things), stole from me as she was leaving (including gold jewelry I had from a former relationship) and has been running around telling people we broke up because of my anger.

I am very angry on the one hand, but I am aware that this is her last gasp attempt at keeping me attached to her. She is ill and the sooner she takes her focus off me, the better off I'll be. On the other hand, someone once said to me: a knife is a knife is a knife. Meaning, it doesn't matter the intent if you are stabbed. That would be a great way to sum up my relationship with my ex (she is ill, but she hurt me nonetheless).

For now, I need to get "out of firing range" and actively focus on using my anger for healing.

When I run into former friends/mutal friends of ours and they'd tell me something new and nutty, I'd get mad, thus confirming what she's been saying (I'm abusive, etc).

So I've had to do a few things: One, my overarching goal in that relationship was to show up with "integrity". I know that I came into/left the relationship with integrity, despite all kinds of invitations to do otherwise.

Two, I will be angry for as long as I need to but I will be uber-careful what I DO with this anger So for example, I used it to write a few lists at home yesterday: examples of inappropriate behavior, things she didn't like, ways she withheld, things she had to control/rules-I then posted these on a wall for me to see.

Three, I've been reading all I can about this "disordered" way of being, esp. what folks due to recover (which helps me see the reality of my ex and her unwillingness/inability to get help). Most recently I ready "Buddha and the borderline". Somehow from reading that book I got a big dose of compassion and gratitude that I am OUT, that she is behind me and that now I focus on my healing (cause I do NOT want to go through this again).

Four, I am limiting access (to me) of these people I mentioned above and when I can't avoid them, I either tell them I don't want to hear about her (fortunately in about a week she is moving halfway across the world-in the ongoing efforts to change her external world rather than look inside).

And if that doesn't work, I just say "I hope she finally gets what she wants" (knowing really she is incapable of happiness, at least barring an intervention).  Not being/seeming angry seems to really stun them. I have jokingly said to friends that really I am feeling:  "go with god, and if you can't do that just go".

For me, even thinking about revenge keeps me "hooked". The real revenge is my freedom and healing, happiness and of course, gratitude that I AM NOT HER.

[Hamakua]

 Has anyone been through this, and what is a healthy outlet?

I can give you the company line if you would like.  "Throw yourself into an interest you had before you met her, do something that you enjoyed and made you happy during a time before her" -or something like that.  Add in a dash of self improvement and exercise, 2 tablespoons of "surround yourself with friend and family" and a side of "get out more", and you will essentially have read 90% of the self help books out there.

Sound hollow?  -Yeah, because generally they are written by people who have never been in the kind of pain you have, or forgot what it was like and wrote them from a perspective of someone who was already healed.

Here is the thing, nothing but time will even allow scared skin to grow over the wound, yeah, some would call that "healing", but it is very poor healing and there is no good way to heal.  I can tell you things that actually do work to subdue pain but might not be the healthiest avenues.  Hatred is a good vehicle for transferring negative energy from yourself to someone or something else.  Spend too long hating though and it turns to malice and starts to change you fundamentally.  What the self help books, and many arm-chair therapists suggest is transferring all this energy you have into positive things.  Problem is, negative energy doesn't convert well or 1:1 into positive energy.  no one tells you that but everyone knows it.  They write off the excess or difference as "something only you can learn to handle/figure out what to do".  Hence my flippant listing of the "90%" of the content in self help books.

One semi-true nugget is that only you know you.  I could parrot "it's normal to be angry" (REALLY, gee, thanks doc!).  If you are aware of the MBTI classifications of personality typed (not dysfunctions, just general classifications, there are 16 distinct) you would know that different people (personalities) observe, process, and interact with the world ... .differently.  This also means they observe, process, and interact with loss, betrayal, revenge, anger... .differently, so there is no "one size fits all" answer (other than time, but that's just because our brains are living, dynamic, and self-repairing databanks).

For me (INTP) most of my anguish and anger comes from things that are "unfair" happening without rational or understanding.  While it doesn't solve "all" of the issues, or even dulls any of the pain, the sooner I can see the big picture as to why it happened, believe what I see to be true, understand the cause and effects of it all, and "why did it happen to me", it at lest allows me to move on to the next task without getting trapped in a loop of "concentrated study".

For you, I don't know.  I would normally suggest introspection but that only really works (figuring out how you, yourself tick) before the sht hits the fan.  Horse is already bolted so examining the hinges on the barn door isn't going to do much for you at the moment.  (at least if you are in the place I suspect you are right now).  Some small comforts can be getting lost in reading, like my reply to you.  For me, I believe, it has to do with the illusion of some answer that will help and give me "hope".  "hope" what a f-ing drug.  All you want to do is find some sliver of hope in any direction and the place you are there is so little, you will read my post (or at least I would) with your heart stuck in your throat in anticipation.  At least in all my (7 year UexBPDfg) travels, I haven't found a single magic answer, and I probably went through, at least as bad sht as you (not competing).

As for all that negative energy, no matter how much positive energy you expend it doesn't actually do anything with it.  All it does is store it till you get back from your; run, walk, jog, hike, exercise, boxing club, model building, car maintenance, night out with the boys, swim, bike ride, climbing trip, African aid pilgrimage, doctorate degree, term in office.  Then when you get back, that sht is still there.  Some of the longer "positive outlets" get mistaken as solutions but for the wrong reasons, they are distractions, not necessarily outlets, and they simply buy you time.  But that doesn't help you get to sleep from day to day.  -What I found that works/worked for me was to keep a "hate" diary.  I never keep diaries, I like to draw and have tons of sketchbooks, but keeping a written diary is like pulling teeth.  This is different as I have an end goal.  I have a diary that has about 200 pages and I have a goal to fill it from front to back with every negative thing I ever wanted to tell her but "couldn't" or sacrificed myself and "didn't" because of those god-damn egg shells.  Everything, big and small, lists of why she is a b-, lists of how much I sacrificed, how little she did, wishes for her to suffer lonliness, you name it.  It is not a healthy piece of literature, but here is the thing, it isn't supposed to be... .it's actually an outlet for the negative energy.  And it lets me sleep at night without having to think about her in those last moments of consciousness, I don't know why, but it does.  I suspect it is because I "tire myself out" with a negative workout.  The last thing you do, after running 3 miles straight, is think about running another 3 miles.  This might be the same sort of thing.

The diary works for me, but I wouldn't presume it would work for everyone.  I call it my "nuke" diary simply because if I ever wanted her to "never" contact me again she would only need to read 3 or 4 of the 200 pages.  Some things I list in it are even straight DSM IV/BPD symptoms, just lists.  Other pages just have "I f-ing hate [her full name], over and over.  Anything to tire out my "negativity".  I fill about 2 pages before bed each night.  I am fully aware of fine line that one can cross where the activity actually contributes to the problem as a feedback loop.  I would say that is why it's not for everyone.  If you don't get "negatively tired" writing in it, I would look for something else.  Also, your first foray into writing in it, you may verywell be writing for hours, I know I did, now I just write for less than an hour, usually 1-2 pages.  I don't care about formatting, spacing, the pages aren't lined.  I don't care about penmenship or any sort of "structure".  It's just an outlet that matches the mood.

 Her ex is taking her to court for custody of her kids.  I used to hate him, but now I understand him and feel bad for the games that must have been played on him.

This was actually what compelled me to respond.  While I was the "first" of her BPD victims, (she was 18 when we started dating, she had previous Bf's, but nothing of a real relationship), I recycled a few times and the resulting "other exes" are an interesting case.  As odd as it sounds, I never really blamed them (except one who was purposely moving in when he knew we were a couple, but she was as, or more culpable anyway),  and when I look back, I pity and empathize with them a bit.  Even her current replacement, that she enjoys making sure I know about, very handsome, very "not like me" (not saying I am not handsome), purposely different to everything that I was.  Anyway, he has no idea what is coming his way.  Other exes have reacted to her BPD (probably not knowing it's BPD) with hostility in her open social channels.  :)ates have blocked her, etc. etc.  Anyway, I can relate to empathizing with the "presumptive enemy".  I'll make a statement to that.  I have read a lot of threads involving the dynamic of "replacements" and a common theme is that I rarely see a "non-BPDs" blaming the "replacement".  It isn't a learned or forced perception, it just is a constant and I think it speaks to how universal at least "those on these boards" moral code is, at least portions of it.

Hope my long winded rant gave you some momentary distraction and solace, I know reading something like the above would distract me a bit.  Hopefully it will also get you thinking critically about an overall picture that will also tie up your pain for a few minutes more.

[geo03]

Wolff,

I've been there. I am 9 mos out from the mess, and it is only recently that I worked through what I would call my "rage" phase. Did I want revenge? In the most unfathomable, unspeakable ways did I want revenge. I flung my anger anywhere that would stick. Like SWLSR says sometimes you can get stuck there and it blocks your recovery process. I also realize I needed to go through it. Thank God no long term damage to the people who have stuck by me. One thing that has helped is knowing that when the anger and desire fulminate inside, then its time to stop what I was doing and take a seat inside the "hurt locker" and cry. When I stopped fighting against how much it hurt, and started accepting that nothing would change between us, thats when I started making progress.

A change has come about for me --- sudden, drastic, and sustained. I am letting go, I have found real forgiveness for all of it (yes even for the ex and maybe even a smidge for the replacement).

Today in session with my T, I finally worked my way back to the core issues that brought me to this place in my life--- the reason for making the poor judgements and attachments in the first place.

Don't dwell here, but accept that it is part of the process. Work your way down the path and keep looking for the answers within. Be good to those that are here for you and love and support you. Hugs.

[2010]

Any thoughts on how to stop wanting this revenge on her!

Borderline personality is called Borderline because it is a partial insanity that doesn't announce itself. But you're here on the forum, so you've determined that this person has this disorder and that's what you are dealing with.

BPD is also a persecution complex. "No one loves me, I will always be alone, Nobody cares, people are always angry at me, I'm always angry at them. I cannot trust anyone... ." etc. etc. (This tape plays on a loop.) It is a distorted perception of the World and of a deficient (part time bad) self that is acted upon by others. That deficient self cannot tolerate blame and sometimes acts out in a belief that *something* *must* be* done* in reaction to others. This is their distorted belief. At the moment, you may be thinking the same belief that something MUST be done impulsively to address your feelings- but you do not have BPD and this feeling should pass and eventually become sadness. You will grieve your loss and then overcome it. Borderlines never get that far. They remain victimized and this is very, very sad for them.

It doesn't matter if the distorted belief system of BPD commands them to run away from someone they fear (withdrawing or withholding) or run toward someone they find rewarding, it is never a well thought out plan because the disorder will turn the next party into a persecutor as well. This is a disorder. It makes victims of everyone.

Knowing this, and considering revenge- why would you exact revenge on a personality disordered individual that expects people to be untrustworthy and vengeful? Wouldn't your vengeful act give them the perfect tool for their reasoning? And wouldn't revenge provide them an example for their strong belief of you as a persecutor while they remained a victim?

This is a disorder. It is an equal opportunity destroyer for all persons who get involved. The personal aspect of your participation is the only part of the equation that you control. The only way off the game is as a victim. In time you will let go of the idea that keeps you bonded in trauma with another human being that arouses your spite, gains your hope and plays on your uncertainties.

This is a disorder. As soon as you learn to accept it- you will heal.

[wolf22]

Thanks for all the thoughts, I'll reply more tomorrow.  At work all day in100 degrees wipes me out!  Maybe I'll sleep tonight?

[wolf22]

Well, I was not able to avoid her new guy yesterday, he is a higher up where we both work (thanks).  Didn't say a word to him, and I am sure she did not tell him about her and I .  Very awkward, but what can I do?

I wrote her the goodbye email 2 weeks ago, because she left me know choice.  She dumps me, then a day later tells me how much she loves me.  This cycle kept repeating itself for nearly 2 months.  Then there would be days I wouldn't even hear from her for 3-4 days.  Only to come back and kiss and I love you.  Whatever, now I know it was not real.

I understand this is a sickness, a condition.  And to be honest I don't even know if I would or could get revenge.  But at some point these people should be held accountable for their actions, their bull in a china shop mentality.  Life will always be revenge, but knowing she is happy ****ing this other guy right now while I am struggling kills me.  I will get over it, and get stronger, but right now I am doing the best I can, I guess?

[geo03]

Hmmm, Wolff I can relate--- I heard the "I love yous" and felt her affection all the way up to even after she officially declared she was with my replacement.

They need to feel wanted by everyone, it validates them. Try not to focus on the new guy. If we have been dropped on our head by the ex for someone else there is the temptation to look at the replacement and ask ourselves "what does he/she do for her/him that I don't?"

It has nothing to do with our replacements, no matter how much they parade them infront of our face, or how many happy pics they post on FB. It has to do with BPD dysfunction.

[ellil]

Knowing this, and considering revenge- why would you exact revenge on a personality disordered individual that expects people to be untrustworthy and vengeful? Wouldn't your vengeful act give them the perfect tool for their reasoning? And wouldn't revenge provide them an example for their strong belief of you as a persecutor while they remained a victim?

Geez, this is the best reason to avoid the revenge so many of us seek. This also explains the incredibly bizarre breakdown my ex had in the midst of the final split. I received a letter from him (he's an attorney and you'd think they'd be amongst the most rational people) threatening me from here to eternity if I ever spoke to ANYONE about ANY of the details of our intimate relationship without his express written consent! This is just not logical or rational.

He "tattled" to my brother some of the most bizarre things before he sent me the above, like a "hit and run." I remember thinking how could this incredible, strapping, brilliant hunk of a man be such a weenie?

Answer above in quotes! He was fully expecting me to contact his family and friends (there was way more to the letter than what I stated above) and take "revenge" on him. On some level I knew this, but 2010's words have made it all make sense now.

This guy actually expected me to behave in a manner anyone who knows me knows I would not do.

What an enlightening morning! And the best reason yet for us to not bother with revenge--which is giving them exactly what they expect and feeding them with their notion that everyone is out to get them.

M

[Robhart]

We hope for that Hollywood moment when the light bulb will go on with them and they realize what they've done .Maybe their realizations would  come from revenge.

But the operative word is Hollywood.

They take no responsibility  for their actions.

So if you do a revengeful act it would be a cruel and unwarranted  in their eyes .(That's also what they'll tell the rest of the world )

I think the best revenge is to totally ignore them with no contact.They are attention junkies and your not giving them their attention fix.

[wolf22]

Robhart, great point.  She used to tell me how cruel everyone was to her, and I am sure now she tells people how cruel I was to her, when I treated her like gold

[Beach_Babe]

Trust  me,  Karma  is  the  best  revenge      

[findingmyselfagain]

Wolf,

Been in your boat before, too. During the r/s I was as kind as friendly as I could be. Even when she cut off affection. It was very frustrating... .didn't realize just how abusive that really is considered. I should have allowed myself to get angry at her when he had our weird fights. But I've always been the type to hold in my more negative feelings. Going back to my FOO my mom favored my brother quite a bit. So after a while I basically shut down my anger. Add to that that my mom is kinda crazy herself. I didn't want the drama in my life. Since my r/s breakdown with the borderline I think I experienced ALL of the anger Ive ever suppressed since I was a child. It took me a loong time to get through the mess. Even now I don't know if I wouldn't slap her if I saw her. I really do not want to hurt her, but after basically running away from me at the altar... .after I basically adopted her child. yea, some anger is certainly reasonable. Now I feel more compassion for her b/c I see over and over again the illness in her as I've tried to stay friendly with her. One time she goes off on the deep end and then another time she'll make small talk as if nothing ever happened. But never anything to talk about or address our relationship. Never. She's since replaced my replacement and doesn't seem to have changed a lick. It's sad, and I know my anger won't do anything to change her. It would only confirm for her what she believes about people in general. Go for a run... .bike or beat the heck out of your pillow. I wish I could beat something sometimes. It takes a lot of time sometimes. I've been out over a year and a half and I'm just now feeling at peace.

[geo03]

Trust  me,  Karma  is  the  best  revenge      

My ex used to say she didn't believe in karma--- figures! ;p

[1brokenwing]

Geo, , good thing karma doesn't need for your ex to "believe in it"! Lmao. 

Wolf, you have front row seats to the show!  Poor guy. Just grab some popcorn and sit back (ie, detach) and watch the drama unfold. .  Of course, you're such a nice guy, you will probably end up feeling sorry for him. 

Best revenge is working towards indifference... .and singing that song "from now on you're only someone that I used to know".  You WILL get there. 

[bpdlover]

Sorta like 2010 said, who can get revenge against pain on loop.

[upsidedown]

Sorry to say that time is the only thing that gets you over that wall.  I don't fully subscribe to the notion that I somehow participated in causing the worst pain of my life.  My only "fault" was allowing myself to believe in fairy tales, believing that I'd somehow found the love of my life, my soul mate; and in going back for more punishment each time he convinced me that he'd changed.  I remember crying one night about how hard leaving my husband and my old life behind was for me.  He said "I should just leave you alone".  He knew to some degree that he wasn't going to be able to live up to the person he'd represented himself to be.  He knew he wasn't going to be able to sustain a long-term, emotionally healthy relationship.  He knew he was going to hurt me.  There was awareness there, I'm sure I glimpsed it at other times as well.  He just wasn't able to stop himself from lying, cheating, raging, gaslighting me, painting me black, etc.  So... .while accepting my part in the relationship is important, understanding that he did the only thing he was capable of doing (hurting me, like he hurts everyone in his life) was the real key to letting go of hurt, anger, betrayal, pain.  Ultimately, they are unable to do anything other than what they do, despite how badly they might want to.  I understand your anger and need for revenge, but it won't change her.  It might, however, change you.

[bpdlover]

Very true. Many times I was given hints at her inability to function without her actually coming out and honestly saying it. Things got progressively worse but still we both hung on until she saw an excuse to break it off. She did all the things that have been written about to me but seemed to have a logical reason for her illogical behaviour. When all is said and done. You can love or fear but you get to walk away with some context. Can you imagine the other party? What are they doing now?

[turtle]

I don't know that I ever really wanted "revenge."  Like so many of us, in the beginning of dealing with this crap, I would have little fantasies about it, but I knew I would never really DO any of the things I dreamed up in the wee hours of the morning.  When I would think about why I really wanted revenge, I realized it wasn't really revenge that I wanted.

I wanted justice.  I wanted someone powerful to make him acknowledge all that he did to me. I wanted someone to be able to force him into seeing how sick and twisted he is -- and I sat in this state for a long, long time.

Finally, one day, I realized that there would be no "justice."  At least not the "justice" that I wanted or thought was necessary.

There is no one powerful enough to make him understand ANYTHING. Even if he were to be sentenced to prison because of eye witnesses and DNA evidence, he would maintain he had done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment. He would spend his prison years whining about how he had been wrongly convicted.

He repects no one - and that is born out of his own self-loathing.  So... .there isn't anything anyone could say/do to make him "get it."  Unless and until he "gets" HIS part in his own misery in life, nothing will change for him.  

I finally accepted that "justice" - or for purposes of this thread - "revenge," would not matter because he would NEVER get why the justice/revenge was happening.

Soo... .I guess my point is this... ."revenge," is wasted on them because they won't get why it's happening.  And in the meantime, you have taken yourself to a place where YOU don't belong.  A place that is not good for YOU, and for what?

turtle

[BPD Magnet 1]

There is no one powerful enough to make him understand ANYTHING. Even if he were to be sentenced to prison because of eye witnesses and DNA evidence, he would maintain he had done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment. He would spend his prison years whining about how he had been wrongly convicted.

Kinda like Sandusky in Penn State... !

I used to say that EXACT thing to her... And she would say NEVER.Which meant she would never ''admit'' to any wrong doing... .

[sea5045]

I think the best revenge is to totally ignore them with no contact.They are attention junkies and your not giving them their attention fix.


Helpful as mine has moved back to the city, and I have planned that if I see her car, or she in any bar, I'll just nod and keep passing. I don't want to be rattled anymore by her presence or by her power over my feelings. Self-protection is the best goal for me right now, and if it bugs her good, if not that's ok too.

[redfeather]

It is always "GroundHog Day" in the mad world which is BPD... .so the best revenge is to just detach, go no contact dont give them any attention. Drives them nuts.

Mine told a mutual friend I was cruel for not trying to contact her over last 5 months. So be it, So let it be done... Hi!

Rather she think me cruel than I remain  involved in the destructive whirlwind that is her sad and pain filled life. Can you imagine giving yourslf sexually to so many different people?  I guestimate mine has had 5-7 sexual partners since Dec 2011.    Not being able to be alone? I love my me time... .

The loss is theirs not yours remember that.

[wolf22]

1brokenwing... it's funny you said that, because I feel so bad for her ex. He had to put up with her, and I assume she was lying to me about him the whole time.

This post has been great, and it has helped me relax. I haven't contacted her and don't plan on it. But I'm not exactly wishing her happiness either. 

[C12P21]

You have received excellent advice and insights about your need for revenge.

I felt very similar and did send an email at the end where I told him our relationship was a mistake as he was abusive.

I realize now I had to let go... but I gave away my power when I did this and regret having done so as it only fortified in his mind that he is a victim.

Eventually, as I came to understand the disorder and his behavior, I realized his infidelity and splitting me black was a defense mechanism.

Any thoughts on how to stop wanting this revenge on her!  Its amazing to think 2 weeks ago I cried having to send her an email saying good-bye

One of the ways I stopped wanting revenge was through the steps many described here-but another was changing my perspective.

I felt scorned, betrayed, forlorn over his infidelity and my being replaced. I wondered what was wrong with me and he blamed me for somethings that I realize now were only his projections of his own self loathing and doubts.

So I decided to re-think my perspective. What if hadn't cheated but had shot himself up with heroin, would I be less outraged? What if he went on a drinking binge and had a car accident... would I still carry such resentment?

His cheating was another form of "something" to fill himself up because inside he is hurting and feels empty. It is another form of addiction and a very painful form for the s/o replaced so easily.

When I realized my resentment was over being replaced... .and I thought of it in terms of other forms of addiction... well, lets just say the need for revenge left me. Over time, with great effort, I worked out my frustrations and healed the part of me that was outraged at being replaced.

I am two plus years out and believe now that the end was a good thing due to my personal growth and healing but man, the healing was slow.

Follow the advice of those on the boards that gave you good insight and steps, and tell yourself 'she is disordered, there is nothing I can do."

As hard as it is to accept, it wasn't about you, it never was, you were filling a void in her that is vast and bleak. You have the opportunity now to figure out what drew you to her, to become skilled in recognizing  's in others prior to emotionally bonding with them or being vulnerable to them, to knowing your own unfulfilled wishes and desires, and I suspect you will never treat another person how you have been treated.

All that remains is working through the nasty emotions that arise, to not stuff them or deny them but work through them... and you will come out on the other end.

Take care,

C

[exbpdgf]

You have received excellent advice and insights about your need for revenge.

I felt very similar and did send an email at the end where I told him our relationship was a mistake as he was abusive.

I realize now I had to let go... but I gave away my power when I did this and regret having done so as it only fortified in his mind that he is a victim.

Eventually, as I came to understand the disorder and his behavior, I realized his infidelity and splitting me black was a defense mechanism.

Any thoughts on how to stop wanting this revenge on her!  Its amazing to think 2 weeks ago I cried having to send her an email saying good-bye

One of the ways I stopped wanting revenge was through the steps many described here-but another was changing my perspective.

I felt scorned, betrayed, forlorn over his infidelity and my being replaced. I wondered what was wrong with me and he blamed me for somethings that I realize now were only his projections of his own self loathing and doubts.

So I decided to re-think my perspective. What if hadn't cheated but had shot himself up with heroin, would I be less outraged? What if he went on a drinking binge and had a car accident... would I still carry such resentment?

His cheating was another form of "something" to fill himself up because inside he is hurting and feels empty. It is another form of addiction and a very painful form for the s/o replaced so easily.

When I realized my resentment was over being replaced... .and I thought of it in terms of other forms of addiction... well, lets just say the need for revenge left me. Over time, with great effort, I worked out my frustrations and healed the part of me that was outraged at being replaced.

I am two plus years out and believe now that the end was a good thing due to my personal growth and healing but man, the healing was slow.

Follow the advice of those on the boards that gave you good insight and steps, and tell yourself 'she is disordered, there is nothing I can do."

As hard as it is to accept, it wasn't about you, it never was, you were filling a void in her that is vast and bleak. You have the opportunity now to figure out what drew you to her, to become skilled in recognizing  's in others prior to emotionally bonding with them or being vulnerable to them, to knowing your own unfulfilled wishes and desires, and I suspect you will never treat another person how you have been treated.

All that remains is working through the nasty emotions that arise, to not stuff them or deny them but work through them... and you will come out on the other end.

Take care,

C

Wow, thank you C12P21, there was so much I needed to hear in that post. Thank you for your  hard won wisdom!