Struggling to leave...

[Mase11]

I've recently left my BPF wife and now I'm living at my parents. It's the very early stages of separation and I feel great when I'm not around her. Any time I do spend with her I'm exhausted emotionally afterwards. So just recently I've told her I have no plans to see her again, even for just a coffee. I'm not gonna get into details but things haven't been good for a long time which led to an affair and her lying about still being in contact with this guy. I SAW THE TEXT MESSAGE YESTERDAY AND SHE TOLD ME THE PHONE IS WRONG! Even though she eventually admitted it I believe that everything she tells me is BS.

Just today she phoned after a conversation with her Psychiatric Nurse and she has made a committment to getting better and saving the relationship. She has taken full responsibiliy (has been saying this for quite some time) for whats happened and is determined to get better. She's done DBT, she's getting help right now and doing the things she is supposed to. She actually sounded really good for the first time in a long time.

Is this really gonna hold up or is this how they react when they hit rock bottom? She asked if I can find it in my heart to give her another chance (I've found messages every week from this guy). I struggle to believe her or is this something they are capable of at this point? She also asked if I would come into her next appointment as they want to talk to me about what it would take to get things back on track between us. Would the Psychiatric Nurse really say this? Or is she twisting her words?

Any help or support is great, as you can see I'm so confused with everything right now, even after I feel I've made up my mind.

[Ironmanrises]

I've recently left my BPF wife and now I'm living at my parents. It's the very early stages of separation and I feel great when I'm not around her. Any time I do spend with her I'm exhausted emotionally afterwards. So just recently I've told her I have no plans to see her again, even for just a coffee. I'm not gonna get into details but things haven't been good for a long time which led to an affair and her lying about still being in contact with this guy. I SAW THE TEXT MESSAGE YESTERDAY AND SHE TOLD ME THE PHONE IS WRONG! Even though she eventually admitted it I believe that everything she tells me is BS.

Just today she phoned after a conversation with her Psychiatric Nurse and she has made a committment to getting better and saving the relationship. She has taken full responsibiliy (has been saying this for quite some time) for whats happened and is determined to get better. She's done DBT, she's getting help right now and doing the things she is supposed to. She actually sounded really good for the first time in a long time.

Is this really gonna hold up or is this how they react when they hit rock bottom? She asked if I can find it in my heart to give her another chance (I've found messages every week from this guy). I struggle to believe her or is this something they are capable of at this point? She also asked if I would come into her next appointment as they want to talk to me about what it would take to get things back on track between us. Would the Psychiatric Nurse really say this? Or is she twisting her words?

Any help or support is great, as you can see I'm so confused with everything right now, even after I feel I've made up my mind.

Mase... .

I am so sorry you have experienced the twisted world... .

Of being with someone with BPD.

It jumbles your thought process... .

Erodes your confidence... .

Poisons you... .

I know it hurts.

Hurts beyond words.

In bold.

My exUBPDgf said the same thing to me... .

After she came back to me... .

After she left me the first time... .

3 months later.

I gave her another chance... .

Idealization lasted 2 months... .

She got triggered... .

And ultimately... .

Left me again.

What happened to her words from above... .?

Vanished.

Disappeared.

She will do the same exact thing to you again.

It is a pattern of behavior.

You are not alone.

[Aussie0zborn]

It's good that she is getting help. Through fear of abandonment and other factors a pwBPD can behave themselves to convince you that they have improved but, my friend, in my experience it doesn't last. It's only until the next trigger makes them feel abandoned or insecure.

Again from my experience and from what you read in the forums here is that if you accept this now you will have to accept even worse later. Once you do that YOU will be telling US that the phone is wrong. If you've made a clean break, run as fast as you can.

[human101]

Hi Mase11.  

Thank you for the post. You have taken a very brave step and put yourself in a safe place and removed yourself from a painful and damaging situation. You said that any time you spend with her leaves you emotionally exhaused afterwards.  That's not healthy for you, or a life you can live.  There's no joy in that. You have taken the first step to your healing, by moving out.  Now you need time to heal and repair the damage.  From what I've experienced personally,and read on these boards, pwBPD  will say anything to reunite and keep the r/s going, until their disorder  triggers them again. Then the cycle of rejection, cheating, lying starts again.   You have experienced it.  It's a mental illness.  

It's time for you to focusing on your healing and recovery from this toxic r/s. my sense is you don't yet even know how hurt you are, until the drama stops and you have some clear air.

Stay strong, tell her you need time away, and have no contact.

Have you got therapist to support you?

[Mase11]

Thanks for the quick responses. I'm glad you pointed it out like you did. It's kind of what a person needs to hear in these situations.

It's amazing how difficult they can make everything and ultimately it's because we fall in love with these people, and then can't stand to watch them in pain, so we try to be a hero and stick around thinking we can save them, no matter how much pain they cause us.

I once again feel good about what I'm doing. I'm sure glad I found this website.

[Learning_curve74]

Hi Mase11, so sorry to hear about the troubles with your BPD wife. I've had the same experience with my exBPDgf where she totally denied anything with another man and then found the evidence to the contrary. She lied about it so casually because she lies all the time.

You sound like you feel a lot better when you're away and not involved with your wife. What is your wish for a best case scenario? Back together and her dedicated to therapy? Still living separate but her in therapy? What is the least you could live with yet still have her in your life? Or are you deciding whether or not you have any type of future together?

Now you can't predict whether your wife is sincere about therapy, nor whether she will stick to it. Many pwBPD will abruptly cease therapy because the close relationship with the therapist is similar to their other intimate relationships, and we've all seen what happens there!

However, you need to make YOUR own decisions just like your wife needs to make HER own decisions. And then you can communicate clearly what you want WITHOUT blaming her. If you don't know about the communication tools SET and DEARMAN, check out the Staying board.

For me, infidelity in a monogamous relationship is basically a relationship ending boundary breaker. I might forgive it ONCE, but this is why I kicked my exBPDgf to the curb. If you make any ultimatums, you MUST be prepared to follow through! Otherwise you will reinforce that her behavior is acceptable to you. Look at her actions not her words.

[Mase11]

Yes I have been getting counselling now for 4-5 months. She has been great help and pretty much says what all you are saying. It's a cycle so it will continue. She asks if I can do this for 45 more years. She also points out that we have no kids and not a lot of assets. It's a clean break so run.

Of course she words things differently, but that's what I'm hearing.

[Learning_curve74]

Mase11, great to hear you've been in counseling for a few months now. An important step in taking care of yourself. 

Yes, one thing you have to be prepared for and accept is that your wife might never change. If you want to stay with her, then it is you who will have to change because you are the only factor that you can control in the equation. Realize that some people can, many people cannot. And it's also ok to change your mind if you try again but find that it's not possible for you.

You are at a tough crossroads. Best wishes to you. 

[DragoN]

Mase

It's the very early stages of separation and I feel great when I'm not around her. Any time I do spend with her I'm exhausted emotionally afterwards.

Same experience. Drained completely to be around my pwBPD.

It's a cycle so it will continue. She asks if I can do this for 45 more years. She also points out that we have no kids and not a lot of assets. It's a clean break so run.

From experience, I will agree with your counselor. Mine said the same and I desperately wanted to make my marriage work. It was/is not possible.

For me, infidelity in a monogamous relationship is basically a relationship ending boundary breaker.

Same. If she cheated once, she will again. BPD are bottomless pits. She will commit the same crime against the r/s. She will rationalize it and blame you.

[bpdspell]

Mase11,

BPD is a serious mental sickness that takes years of emotionally committed therapy. Getting help for BPD is a commitment and  journey;not a couple of Doctor's appointments.

It will take a considerable amount of time before your wife has true insight into her own behavior and her maladaptive coping mechanisms.  Getting treatment for BPD is not like taking an insulin shot or a vaccination; it's raw, honest and ugly inner work and it requires a lot of healing. My guess is that your wife isn't really committed on that level... .otherwise she wouldn't be using her Doctor's appointments as a selling point to win you back and/or keep you in her corner.

It is difficult to stick to a decision when our hearts are wavering so perhaps you should give yourself more time to think things through. Cheating is a serious breach of trust. Trust is a delicate thing and once it's destroyed it cannot be repaired with apologetic words. True amends has to be made and unfortunately a person with BPD lacks the capacity to back up an apology due to their level of emotional maturity.

No one on here can tell you to leave your wife but I do recommend that you begin to trust the idea of taking care of yourself and your needs which I'm sure have been neglected for a good while because of the BPD dynamic.  

Spell

[Mase11]

Thanks for the reply. Sorry I was gone writing an exam. I do hear you guys loud and clear and I think that it is for the best. It's breaks my heart that this is happening and even more so that she has to struggle the way she does.

Thanks for reminding me of the long, intense recovery program they have to do to get better. Being committed today means nothing if the same effort isn't there for the rest of her life.

During all this chaos I have continued with my accounting designation and have done real well. I remember one time I was getting exam axiety and she told me to 'Be Quiet, I don't want to hear you complain about this. It'll be fine'. You're right, I need to take care of myself.

Quick question, if they are committed long term, can the symptoms just be to severe for them to overcome?

Thanks again!