Accusations...how to handle them

[Cloudy Days]

He is going to therapy and he is taking medication, I am not sure that the new medication is doing any good. But he just started taking the full dosage last week so I guess we will see. He's very up and down, not stable like he was. Last night he was pretty good until the end of the night. I've always had the problem of him bringing up difficult conversations like money right before I am getting ready to go to bed. He starts asking a lot of questions and I'm like, I'm trying to shut my head off right now can you please stop. We've had the discussion before that I can't discuss that kind of stuff at night that's not how my brain works. He seems irritated with me when I went to sleep but oh well. He always tells me to divorce him if I can't handle how he works. I can't seem to wrap my head around his reasoning. It's either we do what he wants because that's how he works or it's divorce, such black and white thinking.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

 

Not much time... so just a quick thought.

You are not the one "imposing" consequences due to his alcohol.

If you help him "hide" it... or get away with it... .are you an accomplice?

This is serious stuff... .

Would you let him walk away drunk with a loaded weapon without calling cops?

FF

[Cloudy Days]

I wasn't hiding anything, I didn't have my phone and I didn't even realize he had left until he was gone. I can't stop something if I didn't know it was happening. He mentioned something about going to the store, I told him NO he was drunk, he left when I was not paying attention probably a half hour after that. The fact that this is the first time it has happened and I didn't even know it was happening doesn't make me an accomplice. I'm getting a lot of judgment for something I couldn't stop from happening. I have spoken to him about it, It's not an issue and if it becomes something that I have to deal with in the future again I will takes steps to stop it from happening. Comparing it to me seeing him walk away with a loaded weapon doesn't apply because I didn't see him leave the home and drive off. Seriously, I have already said this in my post. I am here to get help, I did not ask for judgment.

[KateCat]

I think some of us were not certain of your position, as you had written a few things like this:

What consequences are you suggesting I place on him? I'm not calling the cops when it will severely ruin my life as well as his... .

But I am now convinced you won't turn a blind eye to DUI.

[sweetheart]

Cloudy Days,

For me when other people were at risk from my h's dysregulated behaviours ( and they have been) I was not willing to be complicit through inaction or silence. I realised if I covered for him, kept silent, it increased the risks because their were no consequences for him.

I could not knowingly keep quiet if I knew my h could hurt innocent people and he could have done when dysregulated, or dysregulated and under the influence of drugs or alcohol.

My dBPDh recently served time in prison, I had a part in that, because I made his community mental health team aware of just how unwell he was. We nearly lost our home because of it, but I would do it again, because in my experience this type of behaviour only escalates.

Part of choosing to stay with my h is about letting him face the consequences of his actions. This forum taught me that.

My h also knows that I will not cover for him.

So he was driving drunk and there were no consequences. And the consequences of no consequences will be... .

This from an0ught really struck a chord with me, it is like the essence of not 'walking on eggshells.'

[Cloudy Days]

So are you suggesting that I call his PO and tell them he drove drunk? I could not stop him from doing it when it happened, I think addressing it with him first would be a better option and I did. I probably will not call the cops on him but I can do other things to prevent him from leaving drunk now that I know that this is something he could do. Sending people to jail is not the only option out there... .

I am not turning a blind eye to it, I have addressed it, enough said.

[formflier]

So are you suggesting that I call his PO and tell them he drove drunk? 

First... .let me say that I have the same position as KateCat.   It appeared to me as though you knew and made a conscious choice not to call.

You have clarified what happened and there appears to be no conscious choice of knowing about someone driving around drunk and keeping it to yourself.

I would call his PO and ask if things can be reported anonymously. 

First.  You don't know if he was drunk.  You suspect. 

Is he allowed to drink at all? 

My motivation here is not to judge, but to protect.  To protect you.

I know people who wish they could go back in time and make a phone call.  If that had happened... .likelihood of deaths of loved ones would go way down.

They feel responsible

I was Skipper of a couple Navy units.  I had one of my top guys get pulled over and charged and convicted of DUI because his wife called when he drove away from the house. 

I'm convinced that incident pushed him to conquer some demons in his life.

I see that phone call as an act of loyalty and not a betrayal. 

Just to be clear... .I'm not judging what you did as wrong.  I'm more interested in your future decision making when this happens again.

It will happen again without some sort of intervention.

Even will an intervention the chances are high of a repeat.

This is likely first time you know about it... .unlikely first time it has happened.

 

FF