She has removed all our photos from her facebook... Part 2

[RichardLover55]

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=345692.msg13118863#msg13118863

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

I think the best thing is to wait, if she refuse me again then it would be difficult to recover the relationship already more than it is already now.

I don’t know if I agree with that. It’s just not going to work for you. Think of it this way, she’s angry and she’s not transparent about the reason why she’s angry. As I said earlier this is a good time to do self work and think about what you did that could of made her feel this way.

I do agree with waiting. Let’s say a month ago she was angry and she has nothing but negative feelings towards you. The second month she feels negative feelings toward you but you’re not engaging with her and you’re giving her space do the negative feelings towards you drop to 80%.

The third month let’s say it drops to 70% percent you’re giving her space to respect her because she wanted space and you’re going to make it easier for yourself because now you have a 30% better chance in the third month because some of the positive thoughts and feelings about you are coming back which makes it easier for you get back to get back if that’s what you wish but if she’s has zero positive positive feelings for you - you’re going to make it incredibly hard to get back together with her but the longer that you didn’t engage her the more chances and the faster it’s going to be for the positive feelings about you to resurface and the easier you’re going to make it on yourself.

The longer you wait the higher the chances are the good feelings and memories about you are coming back until there’s a time that she has more good feelings than bad ones and It makes it a lot easier to have a chance at romantically getting back together. Think of it this way if you’re angry at someone and the interactions make you recall  negative thoughts and feelings about them are you going to want to get back with them?

If she feel guilty, i have to give her time, right now

If she feels guilty I agree leave her alone. Don’t soothe her guilty feelings she made the choice to break up and respect that. If you soothe her she’ll expect that and continue this behavior towards you - you don’t want that.

[RichardLover55]

I don’t know if I agree with that. It’s just not going to work for you. Think of it this way, she’s angry and she’s not transparent about the reason why she’s angry. As I said earlier this is a good time to do self work and think about what you did that could of made her feel this way.

I do agree with waiting. Let’s say a month ago she was angry and she has nothing but negative feelings towards you. The second month she feels negative feelings toward you but you’re not engaging with her and you’re giving her space do the negative feelings towards you drop to 80%.

The third month let’s say it drops to 70% percent you’re giving her space to respect her because she wanted space and you’re going to make it easier for yourself because now you have a 30% better chance in the third month because some of the positive thoughts and feelings about you are coming back which makes it easier for you get back to get back if that’s what you wish but if she’s has zero positive positive feelings for you - you’re going to make it incredibly hard to get back together with her but the longer that you didn’t engage her the more chances and the faster it’s going to be for the positive feelings about you to resurface and the easier you’re going to make it on yourself.

The longer you wait the higher the chances are the good feelings and memories about you are coming back until there’s a time that she has more good feelings than bad ones and It makes it a lot easier to have a chance at romantically getting back together. Think of it this way if you’re angry at someone and the interactions make you recall  negative thoughts and feelings about them are you going to want to get back with them?

If she feels guilty I agree leave her alone. Don’t soothe her guilty feelings she made the choice to break up and respect that. If you soothe her she’ll expect that and continue this behavior towards you - you don’t want that.

We are almost two months of silence, I will try to be more optimistic. My father offended her, I hope this is not an important detail, I apologized, I was not really aware of it :/ ! I miss her so much, and she probably doesn't even think I miss her.

[RichardLover55]

I'm still jealous of her and I control her social media secretly, I know I should quit but is stronger than me !

[Flightfar]

I’m also bothered when this is the longest time I’ve never heard anything from my boyfriend, and sometimes I’m terribly afraid I’ll never hear from him again. And the same for you too...
My friend also sent an angry message to my ex, and I'm afraid he won't dare come back for a moment...

[RichardLover55]

I’m also bothered when this is the longest time I’ve never heard anything from my boyfriend, and sometimes I’m terribly afraid I’ll never hear from him again. And the same for you too...
My friend also sent an angry message to my ex, and I'm afraid he won't dare come back for a moment...

Today my ex was hanging out with some of her friends, I saw her on ig. It's not easy to stay on the sidelines, for me it's the first time. Just like you I'm so afraid it's over forever, I admit I'm not ready for this eventuality, if I think back to how cold it was with me, my paranoia increases.  Every day that passes seems to me that she is more and more distant from me, although I hope that what Mutt says will come true. I'm just so scared, it hurts so much.

[RichardLover55]

I don’t know if I agree with that. It’s just not going to work for you. Think of it this way, she’s angry and she’s not transparent about the reason why she’s angry. As I said earlier this is a good time to do self work and think about what you did that could of made her feel this way.

I do agree with waiting. Let’s say a month ago she was angry and she has nothing but negative feelings towards you. The second month she feels negative feelings toward you but you’re not engaging with her and you’re giving her space do the negative feelings towards you drop to 80%.

The third month let’s say it drops to 70% percent you’re giving her space to respect her because she wanted space and you’re going to make it easier for yourself because now you have a 30% better chance in the third month because some of the positive thoughts and feelings about you are coming back which makes it easier for you get back to get back if that’s what you wish but if she’s has zero positive positive feelings for you - you’re going to make it incredibly hard to get back together with her but the longer that you didn’t engage her the more chances and the faster it’s going to be for the positive feelings about you to resurface and the easier you’re going to make it on yourself.

The longer you wait the higher the chances are the good feelings and memories about you are coming back until there’s a time that she has more good feelings than bad ones and It makes it a lot easier to have a chance at romantically getting back together. Think of it this way if you’re angry at someone and the interactions make you recall  negative thoughts and feelings about them are you going to want to get back with them?

If she feels guilty I agree leave her alone. Don’t soothe her guilty feelings she made the choice to break up and respect that. If you soothe her she’ll expect that and continue this behavior towards you - you don’t want that.

"My ex girlfriend put this phrase as Whatsapp status : "Whoever loves me follow me otherwise goodbye". My ex wrote this as whatsapp state almost a month ago, I decided not to write any messages, not knowing if she was referring to me or not. Do you think i was wrong ?

[RichardLover55]

I saw that she went on holiday with friends on an Italian island (we are italian). She just ruled me out of her life...

[Mutt]

I don’t think you were wrong. I think that you’re analyzing and trying to figure out where you made mistakes. If you chased her after she broke up with you what power do you have in the r/s? It telegraphs to her that she has your attention and that you’re willing to give up the control in the r/s. The control in the r/s is give and take it exchanges and if you’re always available for her then there’s no excitement she’ll eventually get bored of that.

What does that mean that she ruled you out because she went out on a holiday? You said that she broke up with you a few weeks ago.

I know that this is hard I’ve been there - take her lead and try to find activities. There’s nothing wrong with peeking on social media but I’d suggest that you save that for later when it doesn’t cause a reaction in you, Give her time to miss you, she might find herself thinking about you this weekend wishing that you were there.

[RichardLover55]

I don’t think you were wrong. I think that you’re analyzing and trying to figure out where you made mistakes. If you chased her after she broke up with you what power do you have in the r/s? It telegraphs to her that she has your attention and that you’re willing to give up the control in the r/s. The control in the r/s is give and take it exchanges and if you’re always available for her then there’s no excitement she’ll eventually get bored of that.

What does that mean that she ruled you out because she went out on a holiday? You said that she broke up with you a few weeks ago.

I know that this is hard I’ve been there - take her lead and try to find activities. There’s nothing wrong with peeking on social media but I’d suggest that you save that for later when it doesn’t cause a reaction in you, Give her time to miss you, she might find herself thinking about you this weekend wishing that you were there.

In five days it's already two months since she left me. I should see her again in a month, unless she's changed schools.

[RichardLover55]

She excluded me in the sense that it does not make me more part of her life, this silence hurts me. The reasons can be many, but if I think she told me that she could not be without me and that she loved me, I think that she never really loved me.

[Flightfar]

This silence hurts me too. When you don't know what's going on, what's going to happen in the future... Sometimes I don’t understand how they can say a moment earlier that they love you, but then they say they don’t love anymore. I'm so hurt. And my feelings are so strong, because I'm so hurt.

[RichardLover55]

This silence hurts me too. When you don't know what's going on, what's going to happen in the future... Sometimes I don’t understand how they can say a moment earlier that they love you, but then they say they don’t love anymore. I'm so hurt. And my feelings are so strong, because I'm so hurt.

Unfortunately they don't think like us and being "broken inside" they love you the moment they tell you, but the next day they might think otherwise. I am no longer convinced that she loved me, I am very confused. I can't do it either, I can't get a reason for it. it's crazy behavior like this, inside me I don't think positive because I think she won't come back, then maybe I'm wrong. I don't know what she's thinking right now, she may even think of me as Mutt says, and I hope so. I'm also very angry and disappointed, I believed it. This week I've been tense and I sleep badly. I had opened up completely with her, she had become aware of my story, because i was convinced that things would be different. Unfortunately I realized too late that she was a bpd and I could not do anything to reverse the process of abandonment on her part. I can't get the "honeymoon" phase out of my head, making my memory very bad.

[Flightfar]

I feel like my ex just threw me away like I was some rubbish. There is so much frustration inside me.
I don't know why he just left me at the dawn of summer. We had made all sorts of nice plans for the summer, we had been waiting for the summer. Just before the breakup I told him how I can’t wait to get to do all the nice things with him. And when summer here in Finland is so short and now it's almost over and my summer has been completely ruined.
I found out almost at the beginning of our relationship that my boyfriend was a BPD, but I wasn’t familiar with this disorder early enough and I probably made bad mistakes in the end. I blame myself though I probably shouldn’t.

Sorry for ranting, it just makes me feel better when I get to write and we have almost similar situations. Do keep writing, it makes you feel better even a little.

[RichardLover55]

I feel like my ex just threw me away like I was some rubbish. There is so much frustration inside me.
I don't know why he just left me at the dawn of summer. We had made all sorts of nice plans for the summer, we had been waiting for the summer. Just before the breakup I told him how I can’t wait to get to do all the nice things with him. And when summer here in Finland is so short and now it's almost over and my summer has been completely ruined.
I found out almost at the beginning of our relationship that my boyfriend was a BPD, but I wasn’t familiar with this disorder early enough and I probably made bad mistakes in the end. I blame myself though I probably shouldn’t.

Sorry for ranting, it just makes me feel better when I get to write and we have almost similar situations. Do keep writing, it makes you feel better even a little.

I need to let off steam too ! What to say, I had noticed at first that something was wrong, it was too "strange", she had a crisis of crying and often had strange attitudes, I thought it was just the fault of anxiety and anger due to her situation at home. after a short time that we were together I felt like I had known her for years and even for her it was so, we found ourselves planning a future together after a short time... I stayed on the defensive until January where I revealed my feelings, we met last September. Then slowly things started to change, she was less and less the girl I had known and was increasingly angry and in crisis with the world. During the quarantine it seemed back the girl I had met, she was "very in love" she even gave me a portrait. Then we saw each other again and things fell all together, she apologized to me, then after a while she started accusing me for nothing and inventing pretexts to quarrel. A little over a month after the end of the quarantine, she left me out of nowhere and by the 20th of June it's like I didn't exist for her. After she left me I put the puzzle together, I thought back to the words of a friend of mine who at the beginning of our relationship told me based on what I told him that he thought was a border. I contacted this friend of mine and I started searching online for all the symptoms, then a psychologist my friend confirmed to me that she was a bpd. I was happy all the same ! Because I almost managed to get her to a therapist, because I knew she was sick anyway, even though I didn't know what she had. I loved her the way she was, I wasn't scared because I really cared about her and I still care.

[RichardLover55]

Yesterday I found out that she went on vacation with her friends, wow ! We had to go to the sea together, I feel betrayed and hurt. Two months of silence, but what I represented for her, nothing! That tells me my head when I'm angry.

[Mutt]

I contacted this friend of mine and I started searching online for all the symptoms, then a psychologist my friend confirmed to me that she was a bpd. I was happy all the same ! Because I almost managed to get her to a therapist, because I knew she was sick anyway, even though I didn't know what she had. I loved her the way she was, I wasn't scared because I really cared about her and I still care.

You have a friend that is a P.

Did your friend give you advice? Did they suggest to try to get help for your gf? If so, did they give you specific strategies?

[RichardLover55]

You have a friend that is a P.

Did your friend give you advice? Did they suggest to try to get help for your gf? If so, did they give you specific strategies?

No, he couldn't tell me anything specific, he himself has problems with bpd patients because they are unpredictable. He couldn't tell me what was best, I preferred not to look for her. She's probably angry because I didn't chase her anymore, but if I wrote to her, she'd have rejected me for the third time.

[Mutt]

Remember I asked you if you can think about a reason why she broke up.This could be a reason why.

Think of it this way, you grew up experiencing the experiences that you have your whole life, to you this is how you view the world, you don't have a baseline to judge by because it's perfectly acceptable to you because this is what you know.You don't know any different your world view is your own, it's acceptable to you - it is normal.

If I told you that you have BPD or I think that you have BPD and I want to get help for it ( fixed ). Your friend that is a P confirms that a pwBPD is very difficult, I tell you that I think that you're afflicted with one of the worse mental illnesses to treat.

How would you feel?

How would you react?

[RichardLover55]

Remember I asked you if you can think about a reason why she broke up.This could be a reason why.

Think of it this way, you grew up experiencing the experiences that you have your whole life, to you this is how you view the world, you don't have a baseline to judge by because it's perfectly acceptable to you because this is what you know.You don't know any different your world view is your own, it's acceptable to you - it is normal.

If I told you that you have BPD or I think that you have BPD and I want to get help for it ( fixed ). Your friend that is a P confirms that a pwBPD is very difficult, I tell you that I think that you're afflicted with one of the worse mental illnesses to treat.

How would you feel?

How would you react?

No, I never told her that she has bpd or that I suspected that she had it. I told her to turn to a therapist to deal with her difficulties. I understood what she had only after she left me, before I thought they were just inconveniences due to her past lived.

[Mutt]

Because I almost managed to get her to a therapist, because I knew she was sick anyway, even though I didn't know what she had.

I read this and misunderstood that's my bad. You were looking for answers after she left that makes sense. When you say that you almost managed to get her to a T do you mean because she was sharing things with you that were out of your depth? Did you say you think that she should get help because it's causing issues in the r/s? It sounds really tricky with trying to navigate this.

[RichardLover55]

I read this and misunderstood that's my bad. You were looking for answers after she left that makes sense. When you say that you almost managed to get her to a T do you mean because she was sharing things with you that were out of your depth? Did you say you think that she should get help because it's causing issues in the r/s? It sounds really tricky with trying to navigate this.

I advised her to go to therapy almost immediately, because she had a crisis of crying and she asked me for help ! I have been close to her all the time and have tried in every way to help her and advise her. She asked me for help, she told me she felt empty, useless, she had panick attacks. And I was there, but there was nothing I said or made her go through this malaise, even though she was happy with me, I think she knows that. She has financial problems like me and can't pay a therapist, I had managed to get her on a free path, then with the covid it all jumped.

[Mutt]

That makes sense you're trying to get help for someone that you care a lot about because they are going through emotional distress and need some professional intervention.

You extended the olive branch for her, how did she take that? Was she thankful? Was she receptive? Was she resentful?

[RichardLover55]

That makes sense you're trying to get help for someone that you care a lot about because they are going through emotional distress and need some professional intervention.

How did she take this? Was she thankful? Was she receptive? Was she resentful?

It depended on the moment, sometimes she said I need help and a psychologist, other than psychologists were of no use. Other times when she was angry at me for non-existent problems "invented by her", if I did not go after her speeches and said look it is not so... She used to say to me: I'm crazy for you, right? She felt guilty, but I never told her anything like that.

[Mutt]

It depended on the moment, sometimes she said I need help and a psychologist, other than psychologists were of no use.

Your mileage will vary some are good at what they do, some are middle of the road and some are below that but it also depends on if you are at a place in your life where you want to help yourself to make those changes. You have to put effort into it but sometimes we're not ready to do the work that could be a few months or years from now.

Other times when she was angry at me for non-existent problems "invented by her", if I did not go after her speeches and said look it is not so... She used to say to me: I'm crazy for you, right? She felt guilty, but I never told her anything like that.

Again this is tricky but this sounds like baiting - don't take the bait because she wants soothing and you don't want to get into this conflictual situations to sooth her because you are reaffirming that instead of self soothing that she can seek soothing externally via you. These are though situations.

[RichardLover55]

Your mileage will vary some are good at what they do, some are middle of the road and some are below that but it also depends on if you are at a place in your life where you want to help yourself to make those changes. You have to put effort into it but sometimes we're not ready to do the work that could be a few months or years from now.

Again this is tricky but this sounds like baiting - don't take the bait because she wants soothing and you don't want to get into this conflictual situations to sooth her because you are reaffirming that instead of self soothing that she can seek soothing externally via you. These are though situations.

I've told her so many times that the only thing that really mattered to me was to be close to her regardless everything, that she wouldn't exclude me from her life. Lately it was a constant telling me : how do you stay with someone like me, I can't stand me either, I want to protect you from me etc.

[Mutt]

She could be testing to see if you’re actually going to stick around or if you’re going to find someone else.

[RichardLover55]

She could be testing to see if you’re actually going to stick around or if you’re going to find someone else.

We'll probably see each other again in mid-September because of school, I'm just panicking at the thought. Many times I was tempted to look for her, but I thought that leaving her space was the best thing. She wanted to be chased, she always said "whoever wants you to look for you" ! But she's the one who walked away and she's the one who told me the same thing via text, she'll be aware of that, too. I had to stop at that point.

[once removed]

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