Hi
I seem to be going ok sometimes then I hit a big low.
It's like the horrible just floods in and I can't stop it. I'm not exactly sure what triggers it but something does.
I know it's a mindset I need to change but I don't know how.
I do a job where people have to come to me to fix issues and in that I have realized they dump their anger on me, their stress, they angst and start demanding. I had one guy who was so angry with me, where I was actually trying to sort his issues and he swore at me. Before I knew it, I had delivered him one hell of a serve back. I realized I had my ex piling on issues which never go away. Solve one and she would have another one and it never ever stopped. Everything becomes a massive issue. One after the other and fixations that last months or even years. I had her and the people I work with for years doing this to me.
I was so patient, tolerant, and now I am not. It takes so much effort to stay calm, positive while you are being called negative. Solving everyone's problems around me. I know I get paid for that but not to be abused. Not to deal with other people's stress. I say something to these people about it and they can easily escalate that to higher level.
They call me on my holidays or weekends. It's like everyone owns me.
Like people are oblivious to my existence. I serve a purpose and that's all.
I feel my ex took part of me. I don't even know who I am anymore. She likes the same things I like. Who liked them first I can't remember anymore.
'Where the hell is love for me, kindness, support, tenderness, and who listens to my needs. I got a fake who lied to me for years. For that I was treated like a bit of trash. I protected this person with my love and they abused that in the most despicable way.
It's a mix of anger, deep hurt like people can't imagine. Only people like you.
It's like they find what your dreams are, make you believe they can give it then when they run out of reasons why they can't they blow your dreams up. You uncovered their lie, and I think they are so ashamed they go out of their way to hate you so they can feel better about the brutality of their lies, because they are incredibly weak people. They don't like weakness.
Now I have to create new dreams. I feel I can't create the same dreams that were destroyed.
If that makes sense. I have to create a new way of life. A new me.
I am not young anymore. This is way harder than it would have been years ago. I can't bounce back that quickly anymore and I don't have time to. I need it to move faster.