I'm scared I've pushed him too far away

[FaithfulInLove]

Hello!

I thought maybe one of you could help me calm down as I'm going nuts waiting on a reaction from my ex and maybe you do have some ideas to fix the mistakes I've made in the past weeks... .
I'm thankful for any feedback!

As you've read maybe, in my previous post, (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=323415.0) I was so hurt when he told me that he had a date with anther girl that l told him politely that l needed space and went no contact for several days. First he understood, but he started feeling ignored when he saw me on social media the same night.
My biggest mistake was not answering when he was reaching out to me, telling me l didn't care about him anyway.
A few days later l just told him again that I'll be back when I'm ready instead of reacting on his messages. I guess right now he really hates me and thinks l really don't care... . He called me selfish and said our friendship won't work out and he doesn't have time for people like me. He has blocked me on Saturday and I'm still blocked 6 days later... .I'm feeling so bad that l tried taking time focusing on myself now!

I was hoping we could rekindle our relationship but right now it's all about not losing him as a friend. He lives so far away that l don't have a chance of a face to face conversation.

So, I sent a letter to him, telling him that l understand my behaviour must've seemed as if l didn't care, explaining that l just did that to have time to accept that he's seeing other people and that l didn't mean to hurt him. The letter is a positive one, telling him that I'm better now and that I'm sorry l didn't accept that it's over earlier, saying l believe in our friendship, asking him why we shouldn't just still do all the things we've planned. I'm scared he'll feel devalued when he's reading this... .
I also sent him a little message yesterday, telling him that there's a letter on its way. He didn't react at all. Didn't even block my second account or something, just keeps using his social media as if l don't exist.

I'm just waiting for the letter to arrive, thinking I've written it in such an insensitive way, way too positive for the whole situation when I'm reading it now... .The whole thing is a lie actually, because I'm truly suffering because we're out of touch and l don't know what to do if he means it and doesn't want me in his life anymore. I'm missing him every minute and I'm struggling to not text him again. I was just begging and crying so much after our breakup 7 months ago that l wanted to stop that clingy behaviour and be strong finally. Faking it until l make it was the plan... .

Any advice on how to handle this situation and help him see that l still care would be so appreciated!

Thank you

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[FaithfulInLove]

 I've just been unblocked - without him saying anything... .but still, I'm seeing this as a good sign of him calming down... .I hope my letter won't ruin anything now.

[Mutt]

Hi FaithfulInLove,

I wouldn't worry about the letter, you wrote it in a positive tone? I wouldn't do anything the best thing to do is wait until he does something if you do anything else at this point it's there's a good chance that it's going to push him away. Sometimes the best thing to do is absolutely nothing - he probably knows that he can have a r/s with you on his terms.

[CryWolf]

We tend to overanalyze and find things to pick at when we keep looking at a text message we sent or letter we sent. We nitpick and find faults when there might not be anything there. I am guilty for this. You can look at my posts on how unsure I am and need reassurance.
im sure your letter was a positive one and it was thoughtfully planned. You did everything on your end and time is a virtue right now. Do you have any hobbies, activities you can do to keep yourself busy? Any friends and family to hang out with?

You put your feelings first and I would have done the same if my person went on a date with someone else. You did nothing wrong in my opinion. If someone is not putting me a priority, I would want to have distance to move on and heal no matter how its going to hurt. Its going to hurt more seeing the person you love with someone else and you being "just friends" with them. You're only lying to yourself and doing a huge disservice to yourself if you are friends when you want more. Just something to ponder about. Once again, I want to mention that you did nothing wrong by putting yourself first. Your human and have feelings and are entitled to those feelings. Most BPD's are not okay with space.

You keep mentioning you want to bring him back, but deep down are you okay seeing him fall in love with someone? Are you okay with being sidelined as just a friend? Are you still planning on going on this trip with him?

[FaithfulInLove]

I wouldn't worry about the letter, you wrote it in a positive tone?
He probably knows that he can have a r/s with you on his terms.

When someone absolutely hates you, never wants to talk to you again and then reads a positive letter from you, where you're suggesting to make the plans happen you've planned before he started hating you... .l don't really know if that was right or insensitive, but I'll just give him time to think about it. The letter can arrive every minute now - l can't take it back anyway, you're right that l shouldn't be worrying now. Thank you!

Before l left the conversation l told him we're over when he starts meeting other girls. I said it in a nice way though. I was so hurt but just set clear boundaries in my messages, not freaking out and saying things I'd regret later. If he trusts my words he really thinks that I'm fighting for our friendship now.

Do you have any hobbies, activities you can do to keep yourself busy? Any friends and family to hang out with?

You keep mentioning you want to bring him back, but deep down are you okay seeing him fall in love with someone? Are you okay with being sidelined as just a friend? Are you still planning on going on this trip with him?

I'm distracting myself with studying at the moment and at least for this week l have my family around. That helps a lot!
It all hurts me, yes, but the thought of never seeing him again hurts me the most. I think I'll get used to it if he will have another relationship rather than losing a person l learned to love that much, whose been my life for a year. We've promised each other to be friends always and that's what l want to happen.

I'd try to move on if he found a new girlfriend, but he's having a hard time finding someone because his anxious needy nature is pushing women away fast. Last time he found someone she had enough after a week.
All this time he never said he doesn't love me anymore, so l hope that those are nothing but rebound relationships and that we'll find our happy ending if he realises that l am someone he can actually trust, who doesn't wanna hurt him.

I see that it's his illness that separated us, that the feelings are still there but that he's having heavy trust issues, that he'd rather find someone new than trusting someone again who was once acting selfish during our relationship.

[Mutt]

He broke up with me 7 months ago because he was feeling unimportant and abandoned because l had plans without him on a day he wanted to spend with me.

I can understand the reason why you’re waiting if his  r/s’s are going to be rebounds. I read your previous post to find out why you broke up. It’s all or nothiking thinking do you think that it’s a reasonable reason for him to be looking for other women because you didn’t have time for him on a day that he want d to spend with you? Why not just spend time together on a different day where you’re both available. I agree with CryWolf, it would be a disservice to yourself if you’re friend zoned and you have romantic feelings for him.

[FaithfulInLove]

Do you think that it’s a reasonable reason for him to be looking for other women because you didn’t have time for him on a day that he want d to spend with you? Why not just spend time together on a different day where you’re both available.

I think it's part of the illness to overreact and break up because you're horribly hurt over something that might seem like a tiny reason to everyone around. I was trying to make compromises and see him on another day, but he felt put second and just said it was over.
My mistake then was starting to beg and cry to get him back, to apologise, for months until he had a new girl. l barely knew anything about his illness so l thought it was all my fault, that it was really me being too selfish.

He felt in control all the time and lost respect for me. I think we have another chance if he sees I'm not that crying wreck anymore. If he sees there's still something inside of me of the woman he fell in love with, if that makes any sense? Why would he want to built up new trust with someone who is just crying all the time? I'm in therapy myself to get better after this heavy breakup.

The reason why I think that everything he starts now are rebound relationships is because he was saying himself that he doesn't know what he wants. Maybe I'm lying to myself, I just see that he's desperately looking for someone new while I know he still has presents from me in his bedroom and we still were planning to meet up and see if we still have a chance only a few weeks ago.
I guess he still cares. It was his longest relationship and mine as well. I think it'll take some more time for us to get over this - while l'm still hoping we can work this out.

And it might sound weird but l really wanna stay in touch no matter what. I care about him and would love to be there for him. I just love the whole person he is, l know his good sides and our friendship would give me a lot (if he just could stop testing me with his social media postings... .)
I would have to work a lot on myself so l wouldn't get hurt over his new relationships and maybe find a new boyfriend myself. But right now I'm still believing too much, wanting to save us until all hope is lost.

I'm thankful for your advice. It means a lot to feel less alone with all this after everything that happened.

[FaithfulInLove]

Hello!

I'm sorry for spamming this thread, l can't stop my thoughts from spinning.
I'm full of fear that he'll just never talk to me again.

I was wondering if leaving him space now really the best thing to do?
I can't tell if the letter has arrived yet so l don't know if he's ignoring it or if he's still waiting.
 
He's been posting stuff about "some exes being too bitter" on his social media, l guess he's still thinking that I'm being childish.

I don't wanna push him away... .Just after l have been the one who asked for space in the first place, l was wondering if carefully trying to get back in touch with him wouldn't be the right thing to do? A tiny text message so he sees I'm thinking of him and still care?

We never have stopped talking for such a long time. I thought I'd rather ask for opinions here first, because I'm overwhelmed and can't think clear anymore in this whole situation.

[stixx44]

Faithful,

I can feel the pain you’re going through, and I’m so sorry.  However, I think texting him or contacting him now would be overkill.  You wrote him the letter... .the ball is in his court.

Give him time.  We can’t make people do/feel how we want them to.  We can only offer to be there if they want to come back, if that’s what you’d like to do.

In the meantime, try to get busy and pass the time doing some fun and worthwhile things for you.

Peace,

Stixx44

[FaithfulInLove]

 Hello Stixx44!

Thank you for not leaving me alone in this situation. I'll follow your advice because it sounds like the best thing for now!
 
l still consider reaching out to him next week when l can be sure the letter is there, because... .

maybe he is still trying to give me the space l've been asking for and is scared that he'll be ignored again when he's reaching out? (Because my last message included "Thank you for giving me time", not "I'm ready to talk again".
Or maybe he really thinks l don't care and that our friendship isn't that important to me after my letter was such a positive one instead of saying I'm scared to lose him after what I've done (stepping away and only caring about myself)? He is used to a lot of emotional begging from my side and that I'm suddenly changing so much might scare him... .(He's been asking me a lot if I was okay the past months when l was trying to pressure him less, told me l was different)

Maybe a small message, showing him that talking again is wanted from my side would make things easier for him?

Do you understand my doubts or am l just thinking too much and it really is his turn?

I just think that if l was him and if l was so scared of being ignored, l wouldn't text a person who could ignore me and hurt me again... .splitting that person black, saying she's bitter and doesn't care seems much easier! My letter is ending with "Get back to me anytime" that's no promise that I'll be there to reply... .
Maybe unblocking me, giving me the chance to reach out first is his kind of answering... ?

[FaithfulInLove]

Okay, I'm heartbroken... .on his social media he's laughing about how his exes "usually come back to him begging... ."
Can someone help me understanding this man? What is he expecting? And will he ever talk to me again if l don't come begging?

[juju2]

Hi,

It's confusing at times, I don't know what my pwBPD is thinking.

You are getting good advice here, keep up good self care, go out w friends,family that support you.
When I want to do or say something, if it feels Urgent! That is a big red flag to me to relax, chill, re think it. 
When I get desperate, I am about to do something I will regret... .

There is nothing wrong with pausing.

He can call or text you.

I have stopped all chasing behaviour.

It doesn't feel right for me to pursue.

My boundary is, I will respond in kind.

If he texts me, I will respond to that, within 24 hours.

It is good for me to have behaviour that shows myself, self respect.

It's a muscle, a skill, am learning.

I refuse to chase him on social media.  I won't look at it.

I have to take care of myself, I am codependent.

be gentle with yourself!

juju

[FaithfulInLove]

Juju, thank you!

This might be the best advice... .

I just can't stop wondering - is there a chance he'll reach out to me again someday soon? That we'll still see each other in a month like we had planned... ?
I must concentrate on my finals, but everything on my mind is him, our friendship and the love l still feel

[stixx44]

No one can read the future.  Again, it’s up to him, not you.  You’ve done all you can.  His response should show you that he’s a bit full of himself.

Give yourself at least a week to do... .nothing.  Take a breath.  Step away from all of it.

We only have so much time in this life.  Spend your time with people who care about you now.  The rest will fall into place, but you need to step back now.  Hard, but doable.

[FaithfulInLove]

Thank you, stixx44!

I see over the months l was going through hell, begging and believing in us he's completely lost his respect for me... .that's really hurtful to realise... .

[juju2]

It's o.k.

I can't go in to self loathing.

I need to be kind, gentle, loving towards myself.

Sometimes it helps me, if I pretend my best friend is going thru this, what would I say to her?
Say "that" to myself.

Write it down.

I have to get this stuff out.  Call a trusted friend, say, I just want you to listen.

If i can get it all out, whatever there is for me, by writing, talking to a closed mouth friend (not a family member)  by posting here, I can can get that destructive stuff out.

Me second (third, fiftieth) guessing my self, tears me down.

Go through, walk through, keep going.

This is a marathon, not a sprint... .!

you have an entire community here who cares about you.!

juju

[FaithfulInLove]

This is so so sweet, Juju, thank you for your advice!
I'm seeing the disrespectful things he writes as tests which l mustn't react to in a negative way.
I'll stay all silent and follow your words. Thank you!

[CryWolf]

Okay, I'm heartbroken... .on his social media he's laughing about how his exes "usually come back to him begging... ."
Can someone help me understanding this man? What is he expecting? And will he ever talk to me again if l don't come begging?

Hey Faithful. With BPD we never know tbh. It could be him punishing you. My ex did the same. On her social media she was constantly posting "i want romance, I want intamacy" yet the past months before our breakup she was telling me "im not an affectionate person" and we broke up because i wanted romance and she didnt. So her posting everything was a big slap in my face. Their social media is completely opposite of what they tell you and act like.

Try not to look on his social media anymore. its easier said than done, and its going to take you a while. But it just hurts you more than does good. My ex now posts pictures of my fave basketball player, or jokes we used to make but tags her classmates. its a big ___ you to me. but whatever. I dont know what she wants to gain from it.

[FaithfulInLove]

Hey CryWolf,

that's really cruel of her and reminds me of what l had to read on his social media the past months. You're right and l agree it might be the best for me to stop reading all that, just - it kind of is the only connection l have left to him, l wanna know if he's okay, what he's up to... .and these "punishing" comments they make me see that I'm not forgotten... .do you understand that crazy addiction?
(I'm sorry, the link doesn't work for me - is it one of your threats?)

I wanna follow everyone's advice of staying out of touch for a while. Will talk about all this with my therapist in a few days, because staying away, saying nothing is horribly hard for me while l just should be enjoying this time... .
I'm still wondering if l shouldn't send him a short message that talking would be okay for me again to make it really clear and so l can calm down, knowing that l REALLY did everything l could. One last text to make him see l still care and WANT this friendship without sounding desperate. I still wanna give him some time to talk to me first, but maybe next week, if nothing has happened until then, so that his fear of being ignored again won't make him avoid reaching out... ?

[juju2]

Let me ask this.

Do you feel calm or desperate.

Sometimes we have to listen to my body.

Calm.  It may be ok to reach out.  Think about it for a couple of days.pause... .  time is your friend.

Desperate.  I have to step back.  In this mode, I am chaotic, and i will regret it.  It's time for me to journal.  Write down what you want to day.  Write, write, write it all out.  (Dont text)

Let me know.

[FaithfulInLove]

Let me ask this.

Do you feel calm or desperate.

To be honest, I'm desperate and not just now but for months and I'm just waiting for my next appointment with my therapist while friends and family get tired of listening... .

I've showed him how desperate l am... .half a year l didn't do anything after work but lying in bed crying,  thinking about our memories, telling him everyday that l don't wanna go on without him, waiting for his answers... .

Since January I'm acting calmer... .but I'm not. I'm dragging myself out, I'm trying to be happy, but still I'm feeling torn, especially now that l fear being split black forever.

I honestly started calming down when we started planning our meet up next month cause l thought things would turn out right if we only see each other again and have the chance to talk face to face finally after all this drama.

But the things he wrote on social media - talking about dating apps and everything while he still said to me he still has feelings for me and we can work things out maybe - it never really let me calm down.

I'm crying everyday. I'm thinking about nothing else. I wanna fix things so bad so that l can calm down again... .I wanna hear that he didn't mean it when he said that our friendship doesn't work out and I'm scared, so scared that he'll say it again or just never talk to me again.

The only reason that I'm not texting him right now is that l don't wanna push him away further, like you all say, I'm trusting your words - while I'm thinking he might be waiting for me to say I'm sorry and fight for him to come back again, like l always did.
If fighting brought our friendship back I'd do it, immediately... .But l don't wanna make another wrong move. 

I wanna stay in touch with him - desperately.

[CryWolf]

Hey Faithful,
Im not sure if you still follow my story, but I completely know why you are looking at his social media. To find any connection with him. Its all you have. To hopefully see something about you to calm your anxiety. Sadly 95% you wont. People tailor their social media to look happy in life. You may never know what he truly feels. This was hard and is still hard for me to accept. I want to know I meant something. But looking back on events, I know I did for her. I realized all those dumb fights, was her wanting me closer. How she mostly picked fights with me than other people meant she felt the most connection with me.

I used to text and call and overpursue to apologize just to make the relationship work too. But now it doesnt work, so we need to do a new approach. Giving him space and time is counterintuitive. We think they think we dont care, or we have to just show them. It wont work right now. You sent him a letter, and texted him. That shows a lot. I relate with you, because I did the same. I still want to. But its not working and we need to have a different approach.

[juju2]

Despair for me is key.  It's a useful response, I am not taking good care of myself.

I need self care, distraction, being around my people who love me unconditionally.

Also, what helps, is me volunteering, helping someone else during this time.

Believe it or not, that is the best thing I can do.

hang in there. 

This community is wonderful.

juju

[CryWolf]

Despair for me is key.  It's a useful response, I am not taking good care of myself.

I need self care, distraction, being around my people who love me unconditionally.

Also, what helps, is me volunteering, helping someone else during this time.

Believe it or not, that is the best thing I can do.

hang in there. 

This community is wonderful.

juju

I'd like to agree with juju here!
Nothing good comes out of despair. You start to think irrational, and a bit selfish although what you want is unselfish. Try to stay busy and productive in anyway you can. Last night I was longing like crazy for my ex. I decided to go to the movie theatre alone at 10pm. Movie sucked, but doing things alone slowly build character and make you stronger. Yes, after the movie the thoughts came back. But for the 2-3 hours inbetween I wasnt thinking about her so much.

[FaithfulInLove]

Thank you, juju and thank you CryWolf! I'm feeling your support and it really keeps me going!


I'm waiting, seeing what will happen at least until Tuesday. Maybe things already look differently until then!

I'm still considering that one last message to let him know that the space I've been asking for is not wanted anymore. If I do it in a tone that's not desperate but caring, I don't think it'll make things worse - or am I wrong?
At least he has unblocked me a day after my last message... .that makes me think!
Why should he unblock me if he doesn't want me to be the one who reaches out again?

If he's trying to punish me - and I really hope he's just punishing me and doesn't really wanna end this friendship - I don't wanna let him know how much I'm hurting, but I want him to know that I still care, because I think that's the thing he's doubting at the moment and why he considers to stop talking at all... .because I'm not reacting like I used to. Because he might think if I cared, I'd keep begging like always.

Do you understand my thoughts? I know there are persons who suffer BPD who REALLY disappear out of their loved ones lives. That's scary. If he thinks I don't care, he does have a reason... .I'd even understand it!

[CryWolf]

I'm waiting, seeing what will happen at least until Tuesday. Maybe things already look differently until then!

I'm still considering that one last message to let him know that the space I've been asking for is not wanted anymore. If I do it in a tone that's not desperate but caring, I don't think it'll make things worse - or am I wrong?
At least he has unblocked me a day after my last message... .that makes me think!
Why should he unblock me if he doesn't want me to be the one who reaches out again?

Do you understand my thoughts? I know there are persons who suffer BPD who REALLY disappear out of their loved ones lives. That's scary. If he thinks I don't care, he does have a reason... .I'd even understand it!

What do you have planned on Tuesday?

Its great that he unblocked you! But if you send him another message, what if he blocks you again?

I completely understand when an ex unblocks you and you feel like they want you to reach out. My ex would do the same. Blocked me on iphone. Then hours later im unblocked and I'd reach out and be happy I was unblocked. Looking back now, it doesnt feel great to be at someones disposal like that. Being happy to be unblocked by someone you love? I know it has to hurt. Just my speculation on my self.  I had this thinking for a while too. But its safe to say if your ex unblocked you, their emotions are a bit "raw" and dispersing. So give it some more time and allow their feelings to thaw. You've sent multiple messages in my opinion. He knows you care. But he needs to care enough to reach out to you. You still sending multiple messages may not be begging, but it still comes off in that manner. I dont mean any disrespect by this, and I have done this myself. I think you want to keep reaching out to soothe your own anxiety. You've already told him you didnt want the space anymore, and continue to show him that. It seems like he is punishing you now by enforcing this "space".

I mean this with care, I think you should give him some more time. Let him come to you and genuinely miss you. You've done the pursuing, apologizing, letters, messages.

And yes, reading other peoples stories on their BPDpartner is scary. The stories on here are scary and thought provoking and you build scenarios in your head and then have this "one size fits all" mindset. But no. you need to stop, even though it becomes so easy to generalize all people with BPD the same. They are not. They are all people, but all individuals of their own being and morals. I read so many cheating, lyning stories on here that I was driving myself crazy. But a part of loving someone is trusting them and knowing their true nature and giving them the benefit of the doubt. Thats what love is about. And if they do let you down, thats not a reflection of who you are. There is nothign wrong with you if they cheat or lie or hit you, etc. 

[FaithfulInLove]

Thank you, CryWolf!

What do you have planned on Tuesday?
Its great that he unblocked you! But if you send him another message, what if he blocks you again?

I know that my ex is a bit busy with his hobbies today and on Monday, so most likely he won't have time to miss me and my message would be nothing but annoying for him and that's what I wanna avoid.
Also I gonna see my therapist on Tuesday and I'd like to hear his opinion on this whole matter - which doesn't mean I don't care about yours. I'm really thankful about the support here and it calms me down so much that people who have experienced similar things are here giving me their opinions! Thank you! It's so appreciated that you're taking time to help me!
Most likely he'll tell me the same as juju did, that I should take time to take care of myself, stop thinking about him so much.
 
If my ex blocks me again... .I don't know, I think he wouldn't do that if I don't send out a pressuring message - which I won't do of course!
I think he'd rather take the chance to
1. just ignore me - which would show me he wants punish me and make me think he doesn't care... .
2. try to start/continue a fight - and block me then - which would show me that he's still upset and I can actually really bury the plans we've made for next month... .
or
3. just reply carefully (most likely still talking to me in a testing way)

I really need to be prepared for everything and should know how to react so my own despair doesn't ruin things when we're communicating. Reaching out could help me with becoming more clear about what's going on inside of him.
(I'm quite sure the letter is already there - I think I've been explaining my side too much in it and I've been way too positive about our friendship, I spend 2 days writing it, but I guess it still was invalidating... .)
 
What worries me is that we have never been out of touch for such a long period of time. Because I always reached out, showing him that I care. Promising that I'll prove him that he can trust me... .I'm really insecure and yes, really anxious. I don't wanna lose him because I'm "too stubborn" to text him now - although there is so much to say.

You've sent multiple messages in my opinion. He knows you care. But he needs to care enough to reach out to you.

It seems like he is punishing you now by enforcing this "space".

I hope you don't see my answers as not cherishing your replies? Because I really do! I just wanna find out what's the best thing to do in this specific situation, that's why I'm discussing them like this. I believe that staying away for a while can be the best thing in most situations when communicating with a pwBPD, just I'm not sure if it really is the best thing here, when he is splitting me black because from his point of view I'm someone who doesn't care anyway. Staying away doesn't change that, but could make him feel that he's right.

Our "fights" - or him punishing me because I broke his trust - are going on for such a long period of time now that I'm not sure how much of the good memories are really left inside of him and if he will miss me enough to reach out - maybe only the hurtful memories are left? I'm scared he wants to stay no contact because for months I have been judging him so much for his hurtful actions and was pushing  him to decide what he wants. I am learning about his illness now, am able to handle things better. The last time I sent him a pressuring message is 2 months ago and he has noticed the changes, interpreting them as "she doesn't care anymore".
When you think about the illness - persons who suffer from BPD often really believe what they're saying, even if it's irrational. And if he sais that he thinks I don't care, I think that not reaching out to him could be a problem here when feeling abandoned already was the reason for him to break up in the first place. I don't wanna push him further away with reaching out, but compared to what he's used from me, waiting until the letter MUST HAVE arrived and then sending out a small message showing that I care is still just a little sign - which could make things better... ?

They are all people, but all individuals of their own being and morals

I agree 100% - that's why I don't just wanna use the - "don't reach out and they'll come back when they've cooled down"-rule. Because there is no rule and "they" are people like me and you.

[juju2]

You are logical.

None of what you know will help.

You really want to listen to people w experience.

I wish I did!

I didn't even know about this site, for our 10 yr relationship.

This is one place where experience means something

The other thing, pwBPD have excellent memories, intuition, all those things... .

Trust me, he probably knows exactly how you are reacting, esp because of the fb posts... .

My only hope is changing my behaviour...   if i keep being the same and getting the same results... .

I am changing, he is changing.  It's a lot better now, even though we are living apart.

I wish I had this community sooner.
It's totally up to you.

[FaithfulInLove]

Thank you, juju!

I really don't know what is right or wrong.
I'm listening to your advice but I'm still considering trying to reach out really carefully if nothing happens from his side.
It's awful to be out of communication and my biggest fear that we'll stay that way. I don't know how to work on a relationship or friendship if we're not communicating at all.

[FaithfulInLove]

Facebook told me he's back together with his 1 week ex... . l read that and fainted, honestly... .

Any advice how to stay friends now? I still wanna see him so bad... .but not her... .

I'd be thankful for any kind of support

[juju2]

Stop reading fb! Yours or his.
I haven't been on fb in 6 months.  No point.

Believe none of what you hear and half of what you see.

get myself quiet, centered, stop my mind from spinning.

I have to put things on the calendar that i am doing, like tonite gym, then art class.

Tomorrow is something else.  All of this is after work.

I need to have something everyday, m-friday, that i am doing, place to be.  My life is important... .

It took me awhile to get myself going... .

What do you enjoy.  Where would you want to volunteer? 

I have to get myself out there, interact w positive people who are up to something... .it does wonders for my self esteem... .

You can do it!

I started slow, asking my friends, making friends, asking if they wanted to go to breakfast, or something.  It does a lot of good to see my people... .  and i stay positive during our visit, because I don't want to bring them down.

So I need to develop my social skills.  I had gotten isolated.

Once you get rolling, there is no stopping you!

Best,  juju

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[CryWolf]

I understand what you’re doing. I did it too. I asked everyone I could for advice and they all said the same thing. I wanted to hear “just reach out” or “send her a gift” but for 4 months everyone said what I didn’t want to hear. You are currently in that process, and I say that with kindness because I relate. It feels good to talk about it to anyone and get perspectives but it lead me to the same answer. Even the answers on here were the same my Friends gave me who aren’t in BPD relationships. And I did send a final email to my ex last week for closure on my part and leaving the ball in her court. You already did this. At a certain point you have to accept that you can’t have everything you want and need to give them what they want and that shows great character and it’s attractive. It’s not what you want but you have to be okay with it. 

[FaithfulInLove]

Juju, you're so strong, l don't know how to start with this... .
Can l just let my thoughts out?
I'm horribly codependant, I'm considering doing more than just therapy once a week. After all these stressful months l guess l could use stationary treatment or medications. I'm trying to be strong for so long, but l don't believe anymore that l can do this on my own. I've done nothing but fighting for him for nearly Eight months... He's been the only person who's been really important to me, I've been in daily touch with. It's a big shock that he might be gone forever now (or as long as that relationship will last this time... ?)

Still l don't have an answer to my letter, he probably does not want to see me next month, but I've paid for that expensive flight - is there a nice way to ask him if we can still do that? I'd die for it, but l know l mustn't let him know
Right now he doesn't seem to want to be in touch - now l see the reason behind his cold behaviour... .he's breaking his promises like he did the last time when he suddenly replaced me with her. I'm so hurt and actually don't know how to get over this. All l feel is pain while l NEED TO stay concentrated on my final exams now, urgently!

Not reaching out again is the right thing to do now, you think? I'd love to let him calm down from his "l got her back" happiness and talk then, when hopefully I'll feel a bit better... .
Just asking about the letter or about the holidays?
I don't know yet, I'm just so horribly sad right now. I don't understand why he told me he never loved her and that they aren't in touch anymore... .that he didn't add me back at on facebook after our last fight does make sense now... .guess he's been lying all the time... .or even with a thank you letter maybe, like CryWolf did... ? I guess it would be good for me to find a way to let go while the last letter was just to convince him that we still can be friends and have a nice time together and that l didn't mean to hurt him by leaving... .

You can call me crazy for still wanting to be in touch. I just don't know how to built up my own life again. I'm down too deep. There are enough men being interested in me, but... .it's only him on my mind... .

[juju2]

Feeling my feelings is the best thing for me to do.

I don't have any answers.

All i have is what I am doing.

I am severely co dependent.

I keep giving and giving, trying, more trying.  If i just did this, if I just did that.

It's exhausting for me.  It took me 6 months to get exhausted.  I was exhausted, and then all the thinking got me more exhausted.

I pray every day to stop obsessing.

I want to go back to being me.  I isolated for months  just going to work, going home, etc.  Didn't see any friends or family.

I had to get to:  I am powerless over him.

Somehow that made me feel better.  Actually, i feel better every day.  I can breathe -- it feels like I am me again... .

I go to al anon.  There is a meeting somewhere all the time, there is support there.  Or coda meetings.

I look back to before I met him, I was happy.  I can be happy.

There is something that got triggered in me, codependency, when i met him

Have read that BPD and co dependents are a classic match.

Does not mean we cannot get healthy.

am on an anti anxiety and anti depression meds.

Since this started, October.

There is hope and help here.

Keep reaching out,  juju

[FaithfulInLove]

I'm unbelievably thankful for the support I'm getting here.

I've seen my therapist twice since the shocking news of him being back to his ex to get the worst thoughts out of my head.

My goal is building myself up now, so I'm a strong person in case he comes back, considering this won't last too long with her... .I feel mean by hoping that, but I don't want things to work out for them because I can't stop thinking that we belong (I know that's quite stupid, egoistic and naive).

So, what my therapist told me is to write down all the negative things he did to me so I can put some daylight between myself and him, then distract and focus on myself a lot because a BPD relationship takes a strong partner and that's what I should become until we're back in touch.

I don't think I've done something too horrible for him to come back... .actually I think he would have given me my space or even begged me to come back soon if things didn't work out so well with that girl again... .we both have REALLY been looking forward to seeing each other soon... .we really meant a lot to each other, that's why it hurts me so much to see that leaving is so easy for him now.

Thanks to the ones still reading me, listening and giving further advice! It means a lot!

[FaithfulInLove]

Hello, bpdfamily!

I know that focosing on myself is the right way at the moment, that I need to be distracted and think about him less. I'd still love to take this forum as a place to get my thoughts about him out and would love to hear your thoughts on all this.

I didn't hear from him still. No reply to my letter, no more blocking me or anything and I haven't been reaching out since then. He could have texted me, telling me that he has a girlfriend, rubbing it in to hurt me, but he doesn't do it - that he does nothing worries me, makes me think maybe I'll really never hear from him again.  He doesn't know that I know he got his ex back.

I've stopped checking his social media every minute, but I can't stop myself yet from still checking every now and then. I wanna know what's going on. He has stopped posting so much, which shows me he's probably not thinking about me at all. He's probably just busy with his new family - her and her child.
He often used his social media to hurt me, now that he barely does anything on there it seems like I'm forgotten, which scares me.
In his last post he has mentioned her - maybe because she really is his entire life right now - or because he wants me to find out about him having a girlfriend this way cause he know this will hurt me the most? I'll never know.

I wonder, is he not getting back to me after reading the letter because he is confused and doesn't know if he wants to be friends or not? Or he doesn't know how to tell me about his girlfriend or her about me? Or does he want to leave the door open in case things don't work out with her... .?
I'd love to hear your thoughts on that. I'm all confused but I'm afraid you don't know anything more than I do.

Our friendship was a promise which I just don't wanna believe he can break, it's too painful for me. I don't wanna get used to the the thought of maybe that was it... .after all that we've been through - just replaced?

We're not talking for almost 3 weeks now and the past two years we never stayed no contact for more than a few days.

Is there still a chance he'll get back to me? Any thoughts?
I'm trying to build myself up, but unfortunately I'm just trying it for him. My social media postings are positive while actually I'm not at all - is this the right way?

Thanks for listening

[CryWolf]

Checking his social media is very normal. Its a common theme in all breakups, but in time you will find yourself checking less and less. When these urges come up, try to do anything that doesnt involve a form of internet so you wont be able to check. For example, call a friend, movie, walk in the park, take yourself to the movies, or dinner alone. Doing things alone is frightening at first but solitude and being comfortable alone is one of the most attractive things one can obtain.

I dont think youre necessarily forgotten, but your ex does a good job making you feel like that. Shoot my ex does it too. Perhaps its stonewalling/st to punish you, perhaps they did move on? Perhaps they are hurting too and their new r/s is to suppress the feelings with you. These ruminating thoughts are going to be with you for a while. They were with me for so long, and still are but they become less and less. What helps me is "I know im the best option for my ex, and if they dont see it thats their loss". I started telling myself, i know what i bring to the table, I know what ive done for her and her words and acts of invalidation are not a reflection of who I am. Its hard, trust me. You feel second best at times and feel worthless. But youre not, youre worth so much more.

maybe this video will help you a bit https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y7zBJl6iYpE
His videos help me a lot.

Also check this out
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UOCbwZbuDZM

I think its very important to learn about attachment styles. I have an anxious one, and i think you may too. I consumed myself with learning this stuff for months before I came on this site. Please watch the videos, even if you cant relate much, the knowledge is so beneficial. Ive learned so much watching these two channels.

I wonder, is he not getting back to me after reading the letter because he is confused and doesn't know if he wants to be friends or not? Or he doesn't know how to tell me about his girlfriend or her about me? Or does he want to leave the door open in case things don't work out with her... .?
I'd love to hear your thoughts on that. I'm all confused but I'm afraid you don't know anything more than I do.

Youre going to drive yourself crazy, with all these "hypothetical" questions. And I mean this with respect and love. This is what i heard from my friends, and it was terrible hearing it at first but it helped me better control a grasp of myself. Because all these possibilities and questions all result in no answers unless its from him. Im an anxious person and i can relate with your thoughts  
Radical acceptance, please please please try to practice it when you can. Its hard, but its what a lot of members on here kept recommending to me and something that helped against these self destructive thoughts. its okay to be scared and confused. We all are, but when these moments come, nothing is better than being strong when all you want to do is cry. Eventually your ex will see and realize how you stopped chasing and just "stopped caring" when in reality you still care. Even if their with someone new, you will cross their mind and they will wonder about you. People with BPD dont just forget someone. No one can just forget someone, especially if their was a connection.

Is there still a chance he'll get back to me? Any thoughts?
I'm trying to build myself up, but unfortunately I'm just trying it for him. My social media postings are positive while actually I'm not at all - is this the right way?

There could be a chance this new "fling" or 'r/s' would crash. They did break up before so you never know. We all are designed to thing that they will ride off to the sunset and live happily ever after, but this is mostly never the case.

Keep posting positive things, but dont make it obvious that its to get his attention. Do things that make you happy. Start hanging out with people of the opposite sex even if its casual. Try to make yourself the 'star" of your own movie, the star of your own life. When times get hard keep telling yourself. "im the star in this movie". Put yourself first and great things will come.

To give you some hope, I post things i never did before, things that me and her did together but alone or with other people, Im showing im unfazed by the break up or her. And apparently she was talking about me on her blog and even missing me?. People see change whether positive or negative. so make it positive  

sadly all these things take time.


Did you get a refund on those tickets? I apologize if youve answered this before.

[FaithfulInLove]

Wow, CryWolf!
Thank you for that long helpful reply! 

No, the plane tickets aren't refundable - the hotel still is, but I don't feel like cancelling until he answered if that makes any sense? When in my letter I'm saying "Hey, let's do this no matter what! I want to be friends!" just cancelling seems wrong to me. I'm still hoping too much that the holidays will happen cause he has promised me they will happen no matter what only a few days before he left... .but the only chance that they will is his girlfriend leaving again, I guess... .that's why I'm stressing.

I've been checking out the videos this morning and liked them a lot. Honestly, I don't know what kind of attachment style I have.
I suffer social anxieties which makes me push people far away because I'm so scared of not being able to meet their needs - might look like avoidant attachment on the outside, but I guess inside of me I'm extremely anxious - that's why I started therapy. Towards him I was definitely very anxious - at least in the ending.

The whole ending of the relationship hurt me THAT much because I always wanted to be independant from everyone, loved being alone, rather pushed people away who came too close - not in borderline way, but by telling them sorry, I really do need my space - but my ex managed to break these borders by being quite manipulative (saying he would leave, or hurt or even kill himself when I don't get into a relationship with him) - I got used to him and loneliness is scaring me now, I am not being my old self and don't know how to get it back.

He got to know my weak spots, used them to make me talk to him in every free minute I had - which wasn't me at all with my big need for space - and so I didn't even feel the need to meet any new friends in the city I just moved to, I had him and my hobbys and that was enough.
I already told you he left me because he felt unimportant and abandoned because I put my hobbys first (which were an issue between us always) on the wrong day - although I already had changed so much for him and was there for him always. I know I shouldn't have changed for anyone, but I'm not sure if I really was happy before - I think I've been lying to myself a lot when I was saying that I don't really need anyone close.

When I do things on my own now, it makes me miss him. I always had him with me on my phone. Whenver I looked at it, he was there. Now I'm all alone, only have friends and family hours away from me.
I'm calling my friends a lot lately, but I feel needy for wanting them to be there for me now that I'm feeling miserable. I also can't imagine meeting new people now because who'd like to spend time with someone depressive and anxious like me? I want people to get to know me the way I actually am - this wreck of person is not me and it'll take a lot of work to get myself out of these desperate feelings. My concentration is gone, I'm bad at listening and all I ever talk about is him. I see I've lost interest in anything - I thought putting him over everything would make him come back, but you see how much that worked out... .

The thought of him coming back when I get stronger helps me the most. Trying to accept that maybe he won't talk to me again is the worst thing for me, it makes my life feel completely useless and I just wanna die, it's that bad.
Yes, I love him, but being friends again would be enough for me. The way he broke all his promises, changed his mind so much within a day just because I needed space for once, that's something I can't handle. The feeling that the one person I trusted has left me completely and doesn't care at all anymore is unbearable for someone like me. So thank you for your words, CryWolf - that he can't just forget me - they help me a lot and I hope you're right.

I'm happy I got away from doing nothing but crying. That's what the months after the break up looked like. Now at least I'm trying to do stuff that makes me happy and when I talk to my friends, sometimes I'm even laughing again.

It's the worst for me now when people ignore me - he really has changed something about me. I need attention now, which I've always feared so much in the past.

I'll try to listen to you, CryWolf and to everything that Juju said of course.

I'm sorry I keep talking so much, I feel like all this has to get out of me, that I need to talk, talk, talk so I can get over what happened. The loneliness is horrible for me although real communication with him broke down so long ago and I spent so much time waiting for his anwers. It's heavy for me to stop waiting - it made me suffer a lot, but I got used to it. I know I need to get away from that.