Help I'm feeling jelous about the new victim and competitive

[Depression = 72% of members]

Lostinwonderland your post rings so true for me. I remember when I was the new victim. I rationalized that things were different with us because, he was just fwb with the girl before me. Things got really tense with them and she was his classmate but, as he got more into me he stopped being friends with her. He claimed she was taking us really hard and being really mean to him. I would encourage him to still be nice to her (especially since according to him her social life revolved around him & she didn't really have many other friends & he loved how I was so much more social)and I even remember agreeing for her to come to a party on NYE. I was like, yea it will be awkward but, if she doesn't have anywhere else to go sure she can come to the party. I guess I've found it so hard because I've just been waiting for this moment. We broke up May 2009. I joined this site sometime in the summer. I kept being nervous waiting for the moment he'd paint me black and find a new victim that would last more than a month or so. It never happened though. He still had me on that pedestal even with new victims, they were still placed on a lower pedestal than me. He had my pedestal so high that he'd even tell me how he would show me off. He took glee in knowing that new victims would see a pic of us and what they "had to compete against" he would tell me how none were as sweet as me and how they all new "I'm the one who has his heart" (don't worry when he said this stuff I didn't just eat it up. I told him he was using me as an excuse to be a player). Even though I knew a lot of what he said was him being full of crap. Deep down I hoped maybe it wasn't all crap and that I'd always be that idealized girl no one would measure up to. Now I'm being knocked off my pedestal. She's everything I am and more. And I know you're right, that she'll get a rude awakening soon enough.

So hold on... .take a deep breathe and we can try to remember together the damage they have caused ... .To us, Before us, and the damage they will cause after us.  We are better without them right? Hold strong sweetie.

. Indeed we are hun x

[shopgirl]

Lostinwonderland your post rings so true for me. I remember when I was the new victim. I rationalized that things were different with us because, he was just fwb with the girl before me. Things got really tense with them and she was his classmate but, as he got more into me he stopped being friends with her. He claimed she was taking us really hard and being really mean to him. I would encourage him to still be nice to her (especially since according to him her social life revolved around him & she didn't really have many other friends & he loved how I was so much more social)and I even remember agreeing for her to come to a party on NYE. I was like, yea it will be awkward but, if she doesn't have anywhere else to go sure she can come to the party. I guess I've found it so hard because I've just been waiting for this moment. We broke up May 2009. I joined this site sometime in the summer. I kept being nervous waiting for the moment he'd paint me black and find a new victim that would last more than a month or so. It never happened though. He still had me on that pedestal even with new victims, they were still placed on a lower pedestal than me. He had my pedestal so high that he'd even tell me how he would show me off. He took glee in knowing that new victims would see a pic of us and what they "had to compete against" he would tell me how none were as sweet as me and how they all new "I'm the one who has his heart" (don't worry when he said this stuff I didn't just eat it up. I told him he was using me as an excuse to be a player). Even though I knew a lot of what he said was him being full of crap. Deep down I hoped maybe it wasn't all crap and that I'd always be that idealized girl no one would measure up to. Now I'm being knocked off my pedestal. She's everything I am and more. And I know you're right, that she'll get a rude awakening soon enough.

So hold on... .take a deep breathe and we can try to remember together the damage they have caused ... .To us, Before us, and the damage they will cause after us.  We are better without them right? Hold strong sweetie.

. Indeed we are hun x

[Interestedparty]

We broke up May 2009. I joined this site sometime in the summer. I kept being nervous waiting for the moment he'd paint me black and find a new victim that would last more than a month or so. It never happened though. He still had me on that pedestal even with new victims, they were still placed on a lower pedestal than me. He had my pedestal so high that he'd even tell me how he would show me off. He took glee in knowing that new victims would see a pic of us and what they "had to compete against" he would tell me how none were as sweet as me and how they all new "I'm the one who has his heart" (don't worry when he said this stuff I didn't just eat it up. I told him he was using me as an excuse to be a player). Even though I knew a lot of what he said was him being full of crap. Deep down I hoped maybe it wasn't all crap and that I'd always be that idealized girl no one would measure up to. Now I'm being knocked off my pedestal. She's everything I am and more. And I know you're right, that she'll get a rude awakening soon enough.

You know, Shopgirl, this is PURELY about 'self-esteem'. Your self-esteem.

Why would you even be wasting your time obsessing about your messed-up ex and who he is with, when you have a new boyfriend and can be engaging on a healthy level with him? It would have been somewhat understandable if, like some on this site, you hadn't met anyone yet and that space was empty and therefore you had time to reflect too much because that space left had not yet been filled.

Why do you even want to give your heart to someone who has acted in such a way as to use and manipulate you and others for his own benefit and have the arrogance and confidence to boast about it to you? And he could boast about it to you because he could see your boundaries weren't intact. With another, he wouldn't have dared to reveal that. However, with you he felt comfortable to do so and he got his 'ego stroke' from you passively going along with his charade.

He didn't/hasn't put you on a pedestal, HE JUST TOLD YOU that he put you on a pedestal. He saw the level of your self-esteem and stroked your ego in order to manipulate you into complying with and accepting what he wanted to get out of any given situation and for how long. That's all.

And it has worked extremely well... .here you are obsessing about any woman that comes in and out of his life and comparing yourself to the lastest girlfriend. Not feeling good enough compared to her. Hoping and praying no-one can come close to the pedestal you feel and he told you he put you on. Hoping the new girlfriend will soon be knocked off what you see is her pedestal so that you can regain your crown. Listening to a man who obviously lacks any moral fibre or integrity basically boast to you about using you & your image to play you all! He stroked your ego to do this by puffing it up by telling you 'what the other women had to compete against',  'how none were as sweet as you', 'how they all knew you're the one who has his heart'. If that were to be remotely true... .why are you not with him now as his girlfriend? Having a lovely, strong relationship? With no other women even focusing on the horizon of your relationship? A healthy man that TRULY put a woman on a pedestal would never in a lifetime act the way your ex has.

All this is happening whilst you have a boyfriend.

Woww! Your ex has so much POWER over your life... .

You are giving away your power, expending negative energy & obsession over someone that is not worth your time. Stop comparing yourself to whoever is in his life. You are YOU, unique. Embrace who you are. Don't waste you time worrying about anybody else.

So what if the new girl is/appears more compatible with him? He is a guy with a mental disorder and 'major' issues... .so what does that say about her? You have to thank God that you are not as compatible as you initially thought and that it is over. I do everyday! I don't want to be compatible with my ex. I am way above him on every level. I say that with total confidence, truth and pride. He had to pretend to be on my level in order to fake his way into my life. Otherwise, he knew no chance in hell would a woman like me entertain who he 'really' was. And when it came to light, I didn't. It was REALLY, really, really hard because I had to reconcile and ACCEPT that they person I initially met, was not who he actually was.

Don't waste your time Shopgirl fostering such thoughts about your ex. You must tell yourself that it is a waste of time and you are too good for him and more deserving. Also, is it reallyfair to your new boyfriend? He at present has a girlfriend that wants to be the top woman in another's life. And that other man, is by far LESS than him.

Go figure... .

[VanessaG]

IP and ShopGirl, on good days it is so easy to remind myself that not only am I sexy and beautiful and smart and funny but that I am just too <bleeping> good for that guy. I am a loyal and true friend, I am able to give of myself, I am honest and secure in who I am and I have the ability to trust.

Too good, too good, too unbelievably off the charts completely out of his league, heads and tails above his ilk GOOD FOR HIM.

And ShopGirl, damn straight, you are WAYYYYY too good for him.

Move on and remind yourself of that.

I too, am struggling with cyberstalking.  I've been NC from a cyberperspective since Friday, and on Monday I peeked at a BB he frequents simply to make sure he is still alive (imagine, he is).  I'm weaning myself but at the moment, I'm feeling good about not checking in today.  I find it is when I am BORED that I am tempted.  So I go off and find something else to do.

Hang in there, ladies!

VanessaG

[Lost in Wonderland]

Now I'm being knocked off my pedestal. She's everything I am and more

No she's not, Not really... .I have learned it's finally someone else he feels like he can take over and control. ... .She is not Special... .Just like "WE" are not special to the BPD's in reality. They make us feel like we are, but in reality... .  we turn into their scapegoats to deal with reality.

  It sounds like your ex wanted to keep you there and wants to hunt the field... .(he wants his cake and eat it too)... .Like you said ... He is using you to make it seem he is SOO GREAT! See my "crazy" exgf won't leave me alone... ."She Loves me soo much" She wants me back so bad, but I Love "you" so much more, "you" are perfect for me... .blah blah... .

Does any of this sound familiar? I remember the times... .Sounds like you do too x

I feel like they should come with big fat WARNING lables   ... .when we start dating them... .

Warning: You are not the first and you won't be the last

[Interestedparty]

No she's not, Not really... .I have learned it's finally someone else he feels like he can take over and control. ... .She is not Special... .Just like "WE" are not special to the BPD's in reality. They make us feel like we are, but in reality... .  we turn into their scapegoats to deal with reality.

Never a truer word spoken. LIW, I couldn't have put it better myself. That is EXACTLY it.

[Lost in Wonderland]

Shpgrl: I have attached some articles that have been very helpful.  I have to go back and keep re- reading them to remind myself how our brains/emotions can work against us. 

When I read these articles... .they made me cry... .It brought a lot to light.

Don't get me wrong... .I am only 6 days separated from my SO... I have re-read these articles about 10 times... to try to remind myself... .Please Please take some time... .I think you will feel very enlightened.     ~LIW

www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

www.drjoecarver.makeswebsites.com/clients/49355/File/love_and_stockholm_syndrome.html

www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/Personality%20Disorders(1).doc

www.borderlinepersonality.ca/board/index.php?topic=96.0

[Lost in Wonderland]

So what if the new girl is/appears more compatible with him? He is a guy with a mental disorder and 'major' issues... .so what does that say about her? You have to thank God that you are not as compatible as you initially thought and that it is over.

Isn't one of the symptoms of BPD... .Their ability to "manipulate" others into believing they are one of the same with you?  I know when I started talking to my SO... .He Loved everything I did... .  but then, once we were "together"  (after I fell hook line and sinker)... EVERYTHING changed... Suddenly everything I had loved was slowly being taken from me... until I was (and am) left a "shell" of my former self.  Who am I anymore? I feel like I am "nothing" without him... and that WAS his goal and he accomplished his goal... Just like someone else said,,... . 

It's all about Self Esteem... .they destroy it then leave us just hanging to fend for ourselves. 

Sometimes I feel his goal in life is to make everyone he is close to as miserable as he is. 

[turtlesoup]

"She's everything I am and more" - No no no no no... .just NO!

You don't really know so much about this girl, she could be a BPD herself, she could be a sweet smiling murderess, she could be anything but even that is not the point. If a man doesn't see you for all the qualities YOU bring then HE is not worth your affection.

It may be hard to see that now but this is the truth, you are the one who is important in your life, in your future, this is a relationship, painful I know, that you will get past and he will be your past, allowing this to affect your self image is something you must battle against.

I bet you gave that guy so much love and attention, I bet it, cos we all did, and he rode roughshod over that and took advantage, a guy like that, to all our friends who don't get involved with folks like that will tell you is NOT worth you. Not vice versa.

I wont have it! I hate to see women putting themselves down, you're a thoughtful, sensitive, kind and giving woman and he's the jerk that gave that up. Remember that.

[Interestedparty]

So what if the new girl is/appears more compatible with him? He is a guy with a mental disorder and 'major' issues... .so what does that say about her? You have to thank God that you are not as compatible as you initially thought and that it is over. I do everyday! I don't want to be compatible with my ex. I am way above him on every level. I say that with total confidence, truth and pride. He had to pretend to be on my level in order to fake his way into my life. Otherwise, he knew no chance in hell would a woman like me entertain who he 'really' was. And when it came to light, I didn't. It was REALLY, really, really hard because I had to reconcile and ACCEPT that they person I initially met, was not who he actually was.

That is my own quote above LIW, so I understand only too well what you are saying.

However, I believe someone cannot take your self-esteem away if it was at a high-level and you refused to let them.

My ex 'tried' HARD to do so but I spotted every trick in the book and I played him at his own game and beyond and it totally flumoxed and dumpfounded him. He wasn't used to that. It showed me his history with other women and what he had been allowed to get away with.

He couldn't take away my esteem because it was very much intact. That was new for him to deal with. I also knew that it all stemmed from HIS low self-esteem, so why should I feel bad about myself because someone else felt so bad in themselves that they needed to take me down to feel good. I wouldn't give that person the pleasure or the power!

That didn't mean that it wasn't painful for me to deal with him, it was. I cried tears, not because I had low self-esteem but because of what I saw him try to do, the recognition of the illusion, the loss of the dream and the acceptance that I had made a bad choice and I owned that.

The experience one goes through with a BPD will show you where you need to tighten up as a person.

[rosebud]

"She's everything I am and more" - No no no no no... .just NO!

You don't really know so much about this girl, she could be a BPD herself, she could be a sweet smiling murderess, she could be anything but even that is not the point. If a man doesn't see you for all the qualities YOU bring then HE is not worth your affection.

It may be hard to see that now but this is the truth, you are the one who is important in your life, in your future, this is a relationship, painful I know, that you will get past and he will be your past, allowing this to affect your self image is something you must battle against.

I bet you gave that guy so much love and attention, I bet it, cos we all did, and he rode roughshod over that and took advantage, a guy like that, to all our friends who don't get involved with folks like that will tell you is NOT worth you. Not vice versa.

I wont have it! I hate to see women putting themselves down, you're a thoughtful, sensitive, kind and giving woman and he's the jerk that gave that up. Remember that.

What a sweetheart.        I second that shopgirl.

[shopgirl]

Wow, it took me a while to respond. All of your recent posts really made me think. I needed to really think about what you said and then come back.

Interestedparty You are bang on. I totally agree with all you just said. I definitely think he was using the whole "you have my heart" as a technique to manipulate me and others. Even at the time I did. I called him on his crap for comparing me to the others and for showing of my FB ect. Yet, I guess even though I thought   about what he was doing, I still fell for it on some level. I still felt deep down that this pedestal was real. You are very right, it does not matter if the new woman is more compatible with him. I don't want to be with him. I know he could never love me the way I want and deserve to be loved. One thing I want to clarify, i don't have a new boyfriend. I've been dating someone since the end of December but, we haven't actually had the talk about being a couple. Even still, you are correct about focusing on the new guy. He is a great guy, who is healthy, doesn't need to be saved, and I should be spending energy on him and myself. Thank you so much for all you said. I needed to hear it and it really made me think.

VanessaG I'm hanging in there. Glad to hear you are still weaning yourself off the cyberstalking. You had a slip up but, you are still on the right track.

Lost in Wonderland those statements do sound so familiar. He totally said similar stuff to me. I disgusts me to think he's now saying this stuff about me.  Also, the stuff about reflecting, I think that's true. I remember when we first got together, we met at a concert. I totally thought he was really into all the same music as me and had a love for concerts as much as I did. I later found out, it was a fluke he was at that music festival. That he liked that type of music but, wasn't as passionate about many of the same people, even teased me about some of the people I like. He also enjoyed concerts but, not as much and often felt they were too expensive. Then after we weren't together anymore, on his dating profile, he was acting like he was really into that stuff. He even messaged this one girl, that sounded just like me, as far as those interests and passion for them.You're right they should come with warning labels.

Turtlesoup Thank you for your kind words. I feel like I believe what you say on an intellectual level but, I guess on another level my self esteem is low, and I don't wholeheartedly believe them. Maybe that's why he was able to mess with me the way he has.

rosebud thanks for your continued support as well.

I just wanted to clarify something. I don't actually think the new victim is any better than me. I don't think she's at all prettier, and she's probably not any more fun. As some said, she is just more compatible. She has more of the traits he covets, and is more compatible. That doesn't mean I'm less than. I also notice with the new guy I'm seeing, has a lot of traits I like that my ex doesn't have. This still doesn't change how I felt about my ex, so thi girl being more compatible with him doesn't change how great I am.

I also wanted to thank everyone once again. It was a week ago today I went fully NC. I had the slip up a few hours later when I showed my friend some of the evidence. Since then I have not snooped. I feel really good. It's been hard but, I'm determined to stick with it. So here I am 11 months after the fact and 1 week is the longest I've gone completely NC with him. No phone calls, texts, or emails from him, and more importantly no snooping from me.