Delayed anger

[Surnia]

I am working in a team with a divisional head. Last week he got very angry with the whole team because we wrote a letter about something not concerning him and sent this letter to a commission beside the hierarchy he is in. He got this letter to read and went furious. He invited us to a meeting yesterday.

He had prepared a text, he lectured the whole text. He started criticizing the letter (which had indeed some flaws) but are continuing about he would install a huge controlling system to get us supervised. Only very loyal persons shall get higher percentage of work, he would follow up each report of mobbing... .  He accused as to be steered from old retired co-workers... .  and much more, I do not go in all details.

I was sitting there more or less speechless. What the heck... .  I felt being in a wrong movie. Later I went home and I felt completely without energy. Spent the whole afternoon in bed. I realized: This is not normal fatigue, this is depression.

Luckily it was my dance evening. I forced myself into going there. I danced and than at least the anger was coming. I got so angry.

Today I feel both sides, the anger and the depression. And wow, half a year ago this was my daily life in my marriage! Dealing with absurd and paranoid accusations and my own depression.

I am realizing once more that I have sort of anger delay. Some people are to fast to angry. My anger can be hours delayed and needs some strong physic activity!

[gina louise]

surnia,



So sorry that this event and his over the top reaction upset you. (he does sound paranoid if he was dragging in people who don't even work there anymore!)

I had words with my divorce recently when she was upset and fatigued coming back from a trip to Texas-and I was so stunned and hurt when she lashed out at me in the car- I felt like crying! I don't cry over such things normally!

I went home and thought Hmmmm just like my stbxBPDh to attack me and give me harsh words in the car. It hurt to revisit the same places in my mind!

But my divorce is normal-She was exhausted and unable to locate me in the airport. My cel phone had died.

We talked and made up next morning. Talking reasonably the next day never happened with my stbxBPDh.

Important to recognize and be kind to ourselves when we are triggered. And find ways to work the feelings through. Not suppress it. I think you handled it with grace and honesty!

GL

[turtle]

I am realizing once more that I have sort of anger delay. Some people are to fast to angry. My anger can be hours delayed and needs some strong physic activity!

I am this way too, Surnia.  At least I'm this way with the significant relationships in my world.  My initial reaction to a situation is hurt... .  then... .  as I mull things in my mind, the anger comes.  And that's when I really have to be careful because that anger can really take over if I'm not careful to deal with it!

Don't know if this applies to you, but when I was a kid, it was not okay to be angry. So my first reaction is rarely anger... .  even when anger SHOULD be the primary emotion.  I have to step away and really evaluate the situation.  Even after all this time, it's hard for me to admit that I'm angry - even when it's evident to everyone else that I AM!

turtle

[Surnia]

Thank you both for your answers. 

Yes, turtle, anger was not allowed as I was a kid! I learned my lessons deeply. it is really strange how it works that my whole energy is like drawn away... .  

To gina:

Yes, my boss has some strong issues with paranoia and criticism.   

[Elsegundo]

Wow!  Tough day.

My anger is like yours, but more b/c I wasn't sure I could trust its validity.  Being around angry people, it can "get on you" and make you reactive, so I somehow developed a coping mechanism like yours.  Glad you danced it out!