Was your ex bullied as a kid?

[Diana82]

I've heard there's been some research conducted that has found a link between being bullied as a kid and developing BPD as an adult.

My ex told me she was bullied throughout childhood and never received acknowledgment from her parents or teachers. Apparently her parents told her to "toughen up" and that she is too sensitive. And to this day, my ex resents her parents for that.

She suffered alone... .  and at age 27 (while with me) she had to go to a Therapist suddenly as she started thinking about the bullying and couldn't get up in the morning. She apparently spoke to the Therapist and it was all very raw and she would sob to me afterwards and reiterate how she resents her parents for not doing anything.

I did hear as a kid she suffered severe separation anxiety and would not eat much. She also was a sensitive fragile child. Her parents also seemed very loving and nurturing so I often found it hard to believe they would have done "nothing".

Anyway... .  anyone hear similar stuff of their exes? Or did your ex have an unhappy childhood?

[ambi]

Nope.  He was the bully from what I've heard.  The cousins say he used to give them swirlies at every holiday.  He still thinks it's funny to do some of that stuff. 

[Newton]

Diana... .  it seems to me you are stuck... .  looking for confirmation and validation from other members that their partners exhibited/replicated your ex's behaviour is helpful... .  to an extent... .  it reduces our anxiety that had we done something different it would mean a different outcome... .  (should... .  would... .  could)... .  it's irrelevant now.

People here care about YOU... .  your feelings, your welfare... .  we want to help you get past this and that is why you have chosen the "leaving:detaching"... .  board

This obsession with what SHE said or did isn't helping YOU... .  and it seems to me you are avoiding commenting or answering challenging posts that try to explore your feelings rather than her behaviour... .  is that fair comment?

It sounds like your ex is very messed up... .  what are your feelings about this relationship ending?

[its_tough]

Mine wasn't, but I was.  No one came to help me which is probably why I seek BPDs to "save" me.

[jp254958]

This is kind of an all over the place answer, so I apologize in advance.  My ex said she was picked on when she was younger but wouldn't elaborate. She became a hard core meth addict in high school.  

She was a very big people pleaser, which indicates that she has very low self-esteem and sense of self and self worth. Most of this is probably from the shame of poor child rearing by her parents, but some of it could stem from being bullied as a child.  She goes out of her way to please others because she carries such shame and is on a lifelong journey where she will try to please others and mirror them so she can fit in or feel accepted.  But she can't really fit in because she's not being herself, because she has no sense of self, and will always feel like an unworthy outsider.  

She also had other tumultuous parts of childhood.  Her father was rarely around and then left the family in a divorce.  The stepfather wouldn't let her have friends over the house.  She always said how she felt she didn't fit in and couldn't have “real friends."  She always referred to a really “dark time" around college which had her living in the worst depression every day for a long time, but she would never elaborate.

As a coping mechanism, she became obsessed with dogs because of her inability to connect with and trust people.  Her life became engulfed by dogs as a barrier to relationships with people.  :)ogs never represent an emotional threat to pwBPD, so they are a source of consistent love and affection on demand with little real responsibility.  :)ogs and pets don't react to their emotional storms.

However, I'll be honest in saying that my ex was an emotional bully to me.  She treated me so unfairly, so terribly, or with such apathy and aloofness like she didn't care.  She pushed me and pulled me emotionally, and I let her do it in the hope that better days were ahead through the therapy she always promised to go to.  Never happened.

Whether they were bullied as children or not, it doesn't justify them treating others terribly in life. They should know better as adults, but they problem is that they are childish emotionally and never developed healthy adult emotions or control.  However, even though it's not justifiable, we must always be mindful that they have a disorder. They are guided by destructive impulses, childhood abandonment, and underdeveloped brain, and a host of other behavioral problems stemming from nature and nurture.

[spaceace]

I understand looking for answers. It's okay. I too have been frantically trying to understand. Yes, my wife frequently talked about being picked on. Having no friends in school. Parent's who were alcoholics who never looked out for her. A sister who always physically abused her and made fun of her. Yes, I think these things all lead to a highly sensitive person like our SO's down the path of BPD. But I am not sure if this alone causes them to be BPD. There seems to be a lot of research in early childhood development that lacked in their lives and that was the path that brought them to where they are and why they act the way they do.

[Diana82]

Did you ever get the feeling a lot of these abuse stories were exaggerated or even fabricated?

[Diana82]

I'm really perturbed that I found out my ex lied about having this obsessive stalker woman whom she had to cut off.

I found out through a mutual friend the two of them had been "friends" and my ex raged at her one day (appearing like a bipolar person) and cut off the friendship. So she lied to me about that

And most likely lied about almost being raped, being emotionally abused by another ex... etc etc. God knows what was true! 

It makes me feel sick to think it was all exaggerated or even fabricated. I believed it all and supported her

[BentNotBroken]

Did you ever get the feeling a lot of these abuse stories were exaggerated or even fabricated?

YES! Especially because of the false stories she has told people about me. She has made me out to be a monster-- has filed false statements with the court, lied in depositions, suborned perjury, etc.

Part of the disorder is that they MUST be the victim. It is a very primitive defense mechanism, but it has worked so well for my ex for many years. When I first met her, I was totally sucked in by it. I believed her stories for many years, but as the facade started to crack I realized that she was probably exaggerating at best, and downright lying at worst.

I am no longer in the FOG that she constantly threw up around me, and I see her for what she really is: a sick, scared, and dangerous little-girl in a woman's body.

[Diana82]

Sorry to hear this...

How did you defend yourself?

[BentNotBroken]

There really is no way to safely defend against the BPD distortion campaign. Detach, heal, and move on. Over time, other people will see who the sane one really is.

I have been fighting a custody battle with my ex, so I have to disprove as many of her false accusations as I can. It is tedious, time consuming, and expensive. I have lost friends as a result of her lies. It has cost me a fortune in legal fees. Another year of my life has been wasted trying to defend against her false accusations and lies. I have no social life, because almost every spare moment is filled up with work on the custody case. I have to ignore work that I could be doing on my house and car, because I can't ignore the custody case stuff. It is exhausting.

If you choose to try to battle a BPD to save your reputation, keep this in mind: Insanity has no limits. As soon as I disprove one of my ex's lies, she spouts out another one. It takes her seconds to make a false accusation and it takes me many hours of work to disprove it, because it is almost impossible to "prove a negative". (ie. She accuses me of verbally abusing her--How do you prove that you didn't do that?)

In short, fighting a BPD distortion campaign is a losing proposition. Each time you counter a lie, a new one takes its place. Stop arguing with crazy and move on with your life.

[jp254958]

I was a victim of a distortion/smear campaign immediately after the final breakup with my ex and it really hurt badly.  I had spent years volunteering for an organization and she made up terrible lies of abuse, etc. to her colleagues (she worked at the organization) and I was subsequently banned from volunteering again, and treated like I was some kind of stalker.  It was all COMPLETELY false.

It was hard to accept and not try to fight back, but I just let it go.  Bent is right that there are no limits to insanity, and I'm glad I realized that at the time. 

I moved on to volunteer elsewhere, and life goes on.  It's unfortunate that we're powerless in when being smeared, especially when you work hard and give your free time toward a good cause.  But after the breakup, I read a lot about BPD and quickly processed that this was a disorder, and had compassion for her condition (even though she would have destroyed me in any way possible.)  Becoming aware of the disorder helped me begin to move on, and brought back a sense of sanity to my life.

As many people say on here, the disorder ALWAYS WINS.  Don't fight it.

[schwing]

Hi Diana82,

I've heard there's been some research conducted that has found a link between being bullied as a kid and developing BPD as an adult.

My understanding of BPD is that it is a bit like PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) where the trauma is an abandonment trauma sustained by the person at an early age.  The way the experience of being bullied might relate is perhaps the child felt abandoned or betrayed by the parent, when the parent wasn't available to shield them from the trauma.  The trauma could have been real (i.e., injury from bullies) or it could have been *imagined* (i.e., possible but unrealized physical injury).

My ex told me she was bullied throughout childhood and never received acknowledgment from her parents or teachers. Apparently her parents told her to "toughen up" and that she is too sensitive. And to this day, my ex resents her parents for that.

Certainly if the parents reacted in an invalidating manner to a child's fear of being bullied, this could be received poorly.  I imagine because your ex still resents her parents for this childhood incident, she probably felt her parents abandoned/betrayed her at an early age and this is her abandonment trauma which she must come to terms with in order to being recovering from her disorder.

She suffered alone... .  and at age 27 (while with me) she had to go to a Therapist suddenly as she started thinking about the bullying and couldn't get up in the morning. She apparently spoke to the Therapist and it was all very raw and she would sob to me afterwards and reiterate how she resents her parents for not doing anything.  

The nature of PTSD, is that the sufferer continues to re-experience the trauma with the same emotional charge as when they first experienced it.  In a sense, she probably still *feels* like the toddler who was betrayed/abandoned by her parents.  Perhaps it was because of the bullying, perhaps it was something else... .  whatever it is, this is what she needs to work through.

I did hear as a kid she suffered severe separation anxiety and would not eat much. She also was a sensitive fragile child. Her parents also seemed very loving and nurturing so I often found it hard to believe they would have done "nothing".

Maybe her parents were reasonable people who parented in a reasonable manner.  But for some reason, your ex, as a child, had the disposition that made her susceptible to this kind of psychic injury.  We cannot, to this day, predict who ends up developing PTSD even though we might share the same experiences.

Did you ever get the feeling a lot of these abuse stories were exaggerated or even fabricated?

Maybe they were fabricated.  Maybe they were exaggerated.  Whatever it is, they still cannot get past it, cannot come to terms with whatever it is.  Maybe the fabrication is of something that is displaced; for example, they can accept being bullied, but cannot accept... .  <fill in the blank>.  Whatever it is, their stories and their efforts to be hear is their mind's way of processing through these upsetting feelings... .  but they've been doing it more or less by themselves most of their lives.  It seems to me that their chances of recovery would improve if they'd seek out and retain consistent, professional assistance.  And even that does not guarantee recovery.

Best wishes,

Schwing

[Diana82]

so why do BPDs resort to false accusations of abuse/harassment?

My ex's parting words were "You BURNT ME! Leave me alone. Your texts are a form of harassment! I have to constantly hide my phone in my bag because I don't know what's coming from you! Leave me alone"

It was such an exaggeration. She was equally participating in the text argument and defending herself with essay long responses.

And I never sent her horrible messages... it was only this fight where I told her she was too inconsistent and defensive.

Do they actually FEEL easily harassed? Or is it just about claiming victimhood?

My sister (who is very intuitive) picked up early on that my ex looked uncomfortable in public places ie bars. She told me she seemed to always be on "the look out" for danger and appeared to look like she had some safety issues.

Is it possible that they perceive behaviour as harassing, because of unresolved childhood trauma?

[schwing]

so why do BPDs resort to false accusations of abuse/harassment?

My ex's parting words were "You BURNT ME! Leave me alone. Your texts are a form of harassment! I have to constantly hide my phone in my bag because I don't know what's coming from you! Leave me alone"

It was such an exaggeration. She was equally participating in the text argument and defending herself with essay long responses.

And I never sent her horrible messages... it was only this fight where I told her she was too inconsistent and defensive.

Well, I don't think (for the most part) they are "false accusations", rather, I think they are delusions.  She probably honestly believes that you abused or harassed her.  More often than not, the things they accuse us of are projections of their own past behaviors.

Do they actually FEEL easily harassed? Or is it just about claiming victimhood?

I believe they do feel harassed.  And yes this is their way of being a victim;  but I think they are a victim primarily because they do not have the emotional wherewithal to face the possibility that their past actions are suspect.  Delusions are there to help a fragile mind hold things together.

My sister (who is very intuitive) picked up early on that my ex looked uncomfortable in public places ie bars. She told me she seemed to always be on "the look out" for danger and appeared to look like she had some safety issues.

Is it possible that they perceive behaviour as harassing, because of unresolved childhood trauma?

I should think so.  Unresolved and *unconscious* childhood trauma.