not with a bang but with a whimper

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hi all-

I’ve got a long story to tell, and my T (life-saver) knows that I’m usually ready to tell it blow by blow 1-2x/week.  It has seemed, at times over the last 8 years, that my ability to focus in on and recreate detail has left me periodically blind to the patterns and cycles obvious to my T, my faithful friends (tellingly, the oldest ones) and myself.  I’ve only posted a few times, before under a different name, I think partly b/c I get so wrapped up in the maddening details, and then the even more maddening context and explanations and proof of everything, that I would rather just not try.

So, no long story.

But here at the end, some things on my mind and plate.  We are divorcing, trapped in the same house until legal worked out, bitterly unable to spend 10 minutes together; knock on wood, beyond recycling.

1.   Triangulation (read definition):  This is a pattern of my stbXBPDw (?).  Each instance drove me crazy with jealousy, sure, but since they were almost always EAs, partly the madness was her deflection, distraction, denial, outright lying—or, even worse, her equating a work partnership, or my closeness to my sister, as equal to an EA.  I recognize now that this pattern must be something she needs to regulate her emotions, make the present bearable, the past someone else’s fault, the future as sunny as can be.  Still, I wonder if the real block for me, since fidelity was “supposed to be” a line for me, wasn’t that I once was on the other leg of that triangle.  It seems like it is really hard for me to admit that I was, even at the absolute height of my happiness, even when I was willing to risk everything for love, in a way just a function for another person.  I don’t know about other people, but as someone who was ready for such a delicious delusion, having it shattered makes me very, very, very worried (I’m feeling it) that I’m bound for the place I tried to escape.  My stbx once wrote me, when I had drawn a line at one of these things, that she could see a life with me and w/o him, but that it seemed to her like a lobotomy.   That’s harsh. 

2.   Reaction:  I’m over apology, atonement, regret, responsibility, closure (give a man 8 years and he can get over a lot; none went easily).  But I was really stunned at my response to how things ended.  She was lying about money, lying about EA’s, preferring her child over mine (we were blended), all her usual stuff—when I finally put all the pieces together emotionally and declared that we were done, I was quite sad b/c I felt like a failure.  I had fought and fought and fought, not only with her but for her.  I reread all my email apologies (almost acrobatic the way I would try to find some avenue to make our problems something I could solve).  I thought of the emotional and physical labor, the money blown, the career risks, everything.  I had been on this precipice at year 1, year 2, year 3, year 4, year 5, year 6, year 7.  And I have the documentation of insight and blindness to show it.  WHAT REALLY STUNNED  me, though, was that when I finally dropped this bomb and meant it, was that my ex put up almost no fight whatsoever.   5 minutes here or there.  All while doing all the things she used to do.  No fight at all.  Intellectually, I shouldn’t be surprised that she already has a couple fantasies on the line, and know that this should make an exit easier.  But it just kills me that I could have tried so hard and not even seen f-ing effort on her part.  It was like I was being limit-tested all along and as soon as I reached the limit it was time to clean the petri dish and throw in another mold.  It was like the message was “not only don’t I love you in any way similar to the way you love me, but your effort was an interesting waste of time that I am grateful to learn about.”  Now leave.

3.   Reality denial:  I felt and feel that I was always put in a role of being the regrettable voice of reality.  There are limits to money, time, energy, everything—and even if I would pour more effort into all than was fair, someone still had to say that a limit was reached.  Of course never for her.  I’ll skip over $$ fantasies (she has suddenly realized that the divorce will not be a winner for her) and such.  But here is the current weirdness.  She is going on a weeklong business trip (yes suspicious letters, texts and store receipts; no, I really don’t care, or don’t want to; I’m staying away from her for good).  We’re blended, with her D14 and my S13, bonded since 4 & 3.  So, in the midst of total domestic meltdown, which started pre-holidays and meant that we didn’t spend them together, her mother is now encamped at my house for 10 days surrounding the trip.  Why?  I think to cramp out my limited breathing space—although in one witchy moment, she even suggested as a preventative measure to keep me from raping the girl I had raised for years.  This is the single most humiliating and disgusting thing that has ever been said to me in my life, and I thank my innate passivity (what the hell, maybe courage and maturity) that I didn’t murder the person who said it me on the spot.  Anyway, stbx stares at me blankly when I say this is a super inconvenient time for a visit.  Oh well.

No insights more, if any above.  I think everyone who goes through a really bad relationship, one that goes on and off, up and down, whether it is BPD related or not, gets off better in some ways than others.  I was lucky to have my T, who never tried to force me.  This means that I’m not nearly as surprised as some people I read here, who really sound like they were pole-axed out of nowhere.  I went through some time ago, if ever.  But for all the preparation for the end, it is just so damn disappointing.  I’m disappointed in myself.  I’m also letting go of my last shred of projection, as I realize she doesn’t seem disappointed at all, at least not in herself. 

There is no way under, over or around mourning. 

At least now I can say to myself the sooner the better.

[Redux]

Hi all-

I’ve got a long story to tell, and my T (life-saver) knows that I’m usually ready to tell it blow by blow 1-2x/week.  It has seemed, at times over the last 8 years, that my ability to focus in on and recreate detail has left me periodically blind to the patterns and cycles obvious to my T, my faithful friends (tellingly, the oldest ones) and myself.  I’ve only posted a few times, before under a different name, I think partly b/c I get so wrapped up in the maddening details, and then the even more maddening context and explanations and proof of everything, that I would rather just not try.

So, no long story.

But here at the end, some things on my mind and plate.  We are divorcing, trapped in the same house until legal worked out, bitterly unable to spend 10 minutes together; knock on wood, beyond recycling.

1.   Triangulation (read definition):  This is a pattern of my stbXBPDw (?).  Each instance drove me crazy with jealousy, sure, but since they were almost always EAs, partly the madness was her deflection, distraction, denial, outright lying—or, even worse, her equating a work partnership, or my closeness to my sister, as equal to an EA.  I recognize now that this pattern must be something she needs to regulate her emotions, make the present bearable, the past someone else’s fault, the future as sunny as can be.  Still, I wonder if the real block for me, since fidelity was “supposed to be” a line for me, wasn’t that I once was on the other leg of that triangle.  It seems like it is really hard for me to admit that I was, even at the absolute height of my happiness, even when I was willing to risk everything for love, in a way just a function for another person.  I don’t know about other people, but as someone who was ready for such a delicious delusion, having it shattered makes me very, very, very worried (I’m feeling it) that I’m bound for the place I tried to escape.  My stbx once wrote me, when I had drawn a line at one of these things, that she could see a life with me and w/o him, but that it seemed to her like a lobotomy.   That’s harsh. 

2.   Reaction:  I’m over apology, atonement, regret, responsibility, closure (give a man 8 years and he can get over a lot; none went easily).  But I was really stunned at my response to how things ended.  She was lying about money, lying about EA’s, preferring her child over mine (we were blended), all her usual stuff—when I finally put all the pieces together emotionally and declared that we were done, I was quite sad b/c I felt like a failure.  I had fought and fought and fought, not only with her but for her.  I reread all my email apologies (almost acrobatic the way I would try to find some avenue to make our problems something I could solve).  I thought of the emotional and physical labor, the money blown, the career risks, everything.  I had been on this precipice at year 1, year 2, year 3, year 4, year 5, year 6, year 7.  And I have the documentation of insight and blindness to show it.  WHAT REALLY STUNNED  me, though, was that when I finally dropped this bomb and meant it, was that my ex put up almost no fight whatsoever.   5 minutes here or there.  All while doing all the things she used to do.  No fight at all.  Intellectually, I shouldn’t be surprised that she already has a couple fantasies on the line, and know that this should make an exit easier.  But it just kills me that I could have tried so hard and not even seen f-ing effort on her part.  It was like I was being limit-tested all along and as soon as I reached the limit it was time to clean the petri dish and throw in another mold.  It was like the message was “not only don’t I love you in any way similar to the way you love me, but your effort was an interesting waste of time that I am grateful to learn about.”  Now leave.

3.   Reality denial:  I felt and feel that I was always put in a role of being the regrettable voice of reality.  There are limits to money, time, energy, everything—and even if I would pour more effort into all than was fair, someone still had to say that a limit was reached.  Of course never for her.  I’ll skip over $$ fantasies (she has suddenly realized that the divorce will not be a winner for her) and such.  But here is the current weirdness.  She is going on a weeklong business trip (yes suspicious letters, texts and store receipts; no, I really don’t care, or don’t want to; I’m staying away from her for good).  We’re blended, with her D14 and my S13, bonded since 4 & 3.  So, in the midst of total domestic meltdown, which started pre-holidays and meant that we didn’t spend them together, her mother is now encamped at my house for 10 days surrounding the trip.  Why?  I think to cramp out my limited breathing space—although in one witchy moment, she even suggested as a preventative measure to keep me from raping the girl I had raised for years.  This is the single most humiliating and disgusting thing that has ever been said to me in my life, and I thank my innate passivity (what the hell, maybe courage and maturity) that I didn’t murder the person who said it me on the spot.  Anyway, stbx stares at me blankly when I say this is a super inconvenient time for a visit.  Oh well.

No insights more, if any above.  I think everyone who goes through a really bad relationship, one that goes on and off, up and down, whether it is BPD related or not, gets off better in some ways than others.  I was lucky to have my T, who never tried to force me.  This means that I’m not nearly as surprised as some people I read here, who really sound like they were pole-axed out of nowhere.  I went through some time ago, if ever.  But for all the preparation for the end, it is just so damn disappointing.  I’m disappointed in myself.  I’m also letting go of my last shred of projection, as I realize she doesn’t seem disappointed at all, at least not in herself. 

There is no way under, over or around mourning. 

At least now I can say to myself the sooner the better.

[cookiecrumbled]

Redux -

I. am. so. sorry.  I am hoping that her mother is somehow a better human being than she is - and that you are able to provide your son and her daughter a loving environment despite that crazy woman to whom you are currently married.

I thought my uBPDexbf had said horrible, unspeakable things to me - but then I've read on this board one BPD said "I hope your cancer comes back." and now yours, implying that you would rape your step-daughter.  You have to try and take a deep breath and really think about it - how f'd up are these people that such a thing would come out of their mouths, with or without provocation?  It is baffling and shows just how sick they are... .  perfect strangers would be nicer to us than our pwBFDs are - and they supposedly loved us.

My advice is to try to enjoy not having her around and know that she is going to continue to be the weirdo wherever she is - it reminds me of the old adage, "I'm drunk and your ugly - but in the morning, I'll be sober."  We are currently in the 'hangover' phase of our sobering up - and they are still ugly.  Like Dorian Gray.

Cookie 

[Elsegundo]

All I can say is I am glad you and your T worked to get you where you felt you needed to go.  

I'm so sorry for her reaction.  From what I've read sometime pwBPD a) feel mourning for separation later on, and b) she may not have fought you bc on some level she knows how sick she is.  

(Sending warm hug)

[Redux]

Onetoughcooki-

Thank. You. I really needed that.

I have spent more time, and been more a parent, to my stepD14 than either of her bios.  It is important to me to realize, painfully, that I’m the only one she can feel free to be angry with.   (You can guess that I was blamed for everything, am, will be, world without end.)  Even when that hurts, I knowknowknow it means I loved and love her to death and she trusts me to love her as her.  I can take her anger, b/c it is from her, and it is reasonable, and she means it, and she once told me that, unique in her life, I was able to say “I’m sorry” when I was wrong.  When I did my final r/s analysis, she was the only reason I had to stay in the relationship (I felt the opposite for my S13, who didn’t gain much at all from the whole thing).  To be honest, I can barely type through my tears right now thinking that I won’t have her with me these next few years, maybe ever.  I worry that she needs me as a buffer.  Her mother is totally charismatic, but also ready to pass down all kinds of problems.

Man, I’m venting.  She (StepD14) is brilliant, a bit depressive, really sad, but I can’t help her by being killed in front of her.  I’m praying my stbx will let me have time.  Hard to go from every errand, every meal, every everything to nothing.  On the other hand, it may not be.

I so hope, in the worst case, that I am impressed on my StepD14 and that she will know that someone will love and protect her and do anything for no crazy reason beyond loving her and wishing that she could be with me all the time until she was grown.  And that if I miss that, part of it, all, that she’ll know how to find me and remember me.  Goddammit.

Someone tell me when we get to catharsis.

Also, the drunk versus ugly line will probably help me sleep.  Can’t thank you enough.


Elsee—

Thanks for the insight.  I have felt not “cured” but protected by my T—just like hug you sent. 

I have to get beyond thinking for this person.  I flatter myself that I have insight into her, but I’m no one to talk.  She chooses pie in the sky other guys?  I choose to be kicked in the gut by the girl I know?  At least she has variety on her side.  To be honest, I’ve lately felt physically allergic.  I sweat near her; can’t eat with her; feel ill and want to go to bed.  Am fine when away, but I just can’t have anything to do with that hot and toxic mess anymore.  I think I’ll wait for her memoir.

I think I’ll be with my T for a while figuring out why I needed to be convinced of my deserving of something so direct and healing as a hug for a long while.

Thanks a million.