Hi all-
I’ve got a long story to tell, and my T (life-saver) knows that I’m usually ready to tell it blow by blow 1-2x/week. It has seemed, at times over the last 8 years, that my ability to focus in on and recreate detail has left me periodically blind to the patterns and cycles obvious to my T, my faithful friends (tellingly, the oldest ones) and myself. I’ve only posted a few times, before under a different name, I think partly b/c I get so wrapped up in the maddening details, and then the even more maddening context and explanations and proof of everything, that I would rather just not try.
So, no long story.
But here at the end, some things on my mind and plate. We are divorcing, trapped in the same house until legal worked out, bitterly unable to spend 10 minutes together; knock on wood, beyond recycling.
1. Triangulation
(read definition): This is a pattern of my stbXBPDw (?). Each instance drove me crazy with jealousy, sure, but since they were almost always EAs, partly the madness was her deflection, distraction, denial, outright lying—or, even worse, her equating a work partnership, or my closeness to my sister, as equal to an EA. I recognize now that this pattern must be something she needs to regulate her emotions, make the present bearable, the past someone else’s fault, the future as sunny as can be. Still, I wonder if the real block for me, since fidelity was “supposed to be” a line for me, wasn’t that I once was on the other leg of that triangle. It seems like it is really hard for me to admit that I was, even at the absolute height of my happiness, even when I was willing to risk everything for love, in a way just a function for another person. I don’t know about other people, but as someone who was ready for such a delicious delusion, having it shattered makes me very, very, very worried (I’m feeling it) that I’m bound for the place I tried to escape. My stbx once wrote me, when I had drawn a line at one of these things, that she could see a life with me and w/o him, but that it seemed to her like a lobotomy. That’s harsh.
2. Reaction: I’m over apology, atonement, regret, responsibility, closure (give a man 8 years and he can get over a lot; none went easily). But I was really stunned at my response to how things ended. She was lying about money, lying about EA’s, preferring her child over mine (we were blended), all her usual stuff—when I finally put all the pieces together emotionally and declared that we were done, I was quite sad b/c I felt like a failure. I had fought and fought and fought, not only with her but for her. I reread all my email apologies (almost acrobatic the way I would try to find some avenue to make our problems something I could solve). I thought of the emotional and physical labor, the money blown, the career risks, everything. I had been on this precipice at year 1, year 2, year 3, year 4, year 5, year 6, year 7. And I have the documentation of insight and blindness to show it. WHAT REALLY STUNNED me, though, was that when I finally dropped this bomb and meant it, was that my ex put up almost no fight whatsoever. 5 minutes here or there. All while doing all the things she used to do. No fight at all. Intellectually, I shouldn’t be surprised that she already has a couple fantasies on the line, and know that this should make an exit easier. But it just kills me that I could have tried so hard and not even seen f-ing effort on her part. It was like I was being limit-tested all along and as soon as I reached the limit it was time to clean the petri dish and throw in another mold. It was like the message was “not only don’t I love you in any way similar to the way you love me, but your effort was an interesting waste of time that I am grateful to learn about.” Now leave.
3. Reality denial: I felt and feel that I was always put in a role of being the regrettable voice of reality. There are limits to money, time, energy, everything—and even if I would pour more effort into all than was fair, someone still had to say that a limit was reached. Of course never for her. I’ll skip over $$ fantasies (she has suddenly realized that the divorce will not be a winner for her) and such. But here is the current weirdness. She is going on a weeklong business trip (yes suspicious letters, texts and store receipts; no, I really don’t care, or don’t want to; I’m staying away from her for good). We’re blended, with her D14 and my S13, bonded since 4 & 3. So, in the midst of total domestic meltdown, which started pre-holidays and meant that we didn’t spend them together, her mother is now encamped at my house for 10 days surrounding the trip. Why? I think to cramp out my limited breathing space—although in one witchy moment, she even suggested as a preventative measure to keep me from raping the girl I had raised for years. This is the single most humiliating and disgusting thing that has ever been said to me in my life, and I thank my innate passivity (what the hell, maybe courage and maturity) that I didn’t murder the person who said it me on the spot. Anyway, stbx stares at me blankly when I say this is a super inconvenient time for a visit. Oh well.
No insights more, if any above. I think everyone who goes through a really bad relationship, one that goes on and off, up and down, whether it is BPD related or not, gets off better in some ways than others. I was lucky to have my T, who never tried to force me. This means that I’m not nearly as surprised as some people I read here, who really sound like they were pole-axed out of nowhere. I went through some time ago, if ever. But for all the preparation for the end, it is just so damn disappointing. I’m disappointed in myself. I’m also letting go of my last shred of projection, as I realize she doesn’t seem disappointed at all, at least not in herself.
There is no way under, over or around mourning.
At least now I can say to myself the sooner the better.
