Back again

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

We fell out again last night. The thing that strikes me in these arguments is that I accept responsibilities and admit wrong doing but it doesn't matter what I say the arguments are based on what she presumes is right. If I offer evidence to prove that I am actually right she doesn't need to see it she knows 'the truth' I get called a pathological liar but nobody else I spend time with ever feels the need to call me a liar actually I get told people admire my honesty a lot.

She says she's having a hard time at the moment as am I but the thing is I offer support and advice. I get told I'm putting it on for attention. I was trying to discuss things last night but things quickly escalated to an argument so I asked her to leave me alone. Later I tried to speak to her about it but I was soon asked to leave so I did.

She said about four times "I don't want you to leave but obviously that's what you want." I said that I actually wanted to talk thing through. I want to sort our relationship out but I can't do it on my own. I was getting accused of alsorts and then when I questioned her assumptions and say "well didn't I do this for you?" I got answers like "Yes but really you wanted to... .  " Always utter presumptions, how can anyone try and get a point across when the other person is so fixated to a point of view that not even actual evidence stands in the way of their point of view.

[cartman1]

We fell out again last night. The thing that strikes me in these arguments is that I accept responsibilities and admit wrong doing but it doesn't matter what I say the arguments are based on what she presumes is right. If I offer evidence to prove that I am actually right she doesn't need to see it she knows 'the truth' I get called a pathological liar but nobody else I spend time with ever feels the need to call me a liar actually I get told people admire my honesty a lot.

She says she's having a hard time at the moment as am I but the thing is I offer support and advice. I get told I'm putting it on for attention. I was trying to discuss things last night but things quickly escalated to an argument so I asked her to leave me alone. Later I tried to speak to her about it but I was soon asked to leave so I did.

She said about four times "I don't want you to leave but obviously that's what you want." I said that I actually wanted to talk thing through. I want to sort our relationship out but I can't do it on my own. I was getting accused of alsorts and then when I questioned her assumptions and say "well didn't I do this for you?" I got answers like "Yes but really you wanted to... .  " Always utter presumptions, how can anyone try and get a point across when the other person is so fixated to a point of view that not even actual evidence stands in the way of their point of view.

[lbjnltx]

Hello cartman1,

The complexities of dealing with a person suffering from BPD can sometimes cause us to forget what we already know about the disorder and how to best deal with our loved one.

Basics:

Feelings = facts (if she feels a certain way then it is true)

Validate the feelings to create a space for them to explore other options (other's observations/experiences, alternative thoughts of their own, etc... )

Reasoning with an emotionally driven person won't work.

Blame shifting is invited when we attempt to talk them out of their reality.

Projecting will occur when their emotional thoughts become too extreme for them to keep for themselves.


So, considering these basics where might you be willing to adjust your approach?

lbjnltx

[cartman1]

Hi there,

For me the idea of medium chill comes to mind and d.e.a.r.m.a.n. I guess I let everything go out the window here. It's funny we were doing so well over Christmas when I was constantly using the tools from here. She was really opening up with things and I was validating her. We got really close again.

[lbjnltx]

Yeah cartman1... .  as human beans we can sometimes become a bit "lazy" (for lack of a better term) when things improve and think we don't have to be so skillful in our communication.  We can see in time that the skills are what created a better environment and we need to be more persistant in using the skills.

dearman is good, also SET and validation is a must.  If medium chill is the best you can offer at times then it is what it is... .  as you become more "skillful" replacing medium chill with wisemind will be more beneficial for self and for the relationship.

Remember that we need to be a living model of the practices/thinking/emotional regulation that we are asking of our partner.  We are all a work in progress.

Have you looked at this info?:


TOOLS: Triggering, Mindfulness, and the Wise Mind

lbj

[cartman1]

To be honest I really have got to the point now where I'd like to stay in LC with her. I've got to the point now where I feel I'm not allowed personal boundaries. Whenever I try to establish them it triggers her. At the same time it's all blamed on me, I don't mind admitting I'm not perfect but her version of accounts makes it sound like she wasn't even involved. I'll never ignore red flags again that's for sure.

[lbjnltx]

To be honest I really have got to the point now where I'd like to stay in LC with her. I've got to the point now where I feel I'm not allowed personal boundaries. Whenever I try to establish them it triggers her. At the same time it's all blamed on me, I don't mind admitting I'm not perfect but her version of accounts makes it sound like she wasn't even involved. I'll never ignore red flags again that's for sure.

LC may be the best option for the r/s at this time.  What is your goal for self during this time of LC? 

Is the goal to get stronger and more proficient in the skills to better self?

You're right cartman1, ignoring isn't a healthy option for you.  Allowing another person, no matter who they are to us, to determine our boundaries and enforcement of them isn't healthy either.  Having and enforcing our boundaries are for our own self preservation and in turn the preservation of the r/s.

Our boundaries are not intended to change another person or convince them they are wrong. 

[cartman1]

Good question, I have an appointment with a psychiatrist next Wednesday, my Therapist is also trying to transfer me to see a personality specialist. For me this is what I want to focus on, getting myself some help, getting stuck into my own recovery as a person. As I say I'm not perfect myself and I've probably been fighting for control in a dysfunctional codependent relationship. I don't want to live like this anymore. It's too draining, so change for me is my main aim.

I totally agree with you on boundaries. For me they mean having my own independent self that's true to my own values. I don't want to control her in anyway as far as I'm concerned she is her own person with her own values. Maybe if I'm out the equation and her problems still persist she will decide to do something about it for her sake.

[turtle]

Maybe if I'm out the equation and her problems still persist she will decide to do something about it for her sake.

Hicartman1--

This is a very valid point you've made here.  Sometimes, we remain in these toxic situations, it allows BOTH parties to remain dysfunctional.  We grow comfortable in the discomfort because it's what we know. It is familiar.

If you can remove yourself from the equation, it MIGHT open her eyes, but removing YOURSELF from the equation will DEFINITELY open YOUR eyes!

turtle

[cartman1]

Maybe if I'm out the equation and her problems still persist she will decide to do something about it for her sake.

Hicartman1--

This is a very valid point you've made here.  Sometimes, we remain in these toxic situations, it allows BOTH parties to remain dysfunctional.  We grow comfortable in the discomfort because it's what we know. It is familiar.

If you can remove yourself from the equation, it MIGHT open her eyes, but removing YOURSELF from the equation will DEFINITELY open YOUR eyes!

turtle

Totally agree with your post here. For me I fully intend to keep working on my own MH. As I say I don't see myself as a fully healthy person. My plan is to focus on my own weaknesses. As far as I'm concerned it will be a lot easier to do that without having to take responsibility for everything that goes wrong in someone else's life