Death, loss and lonliness

[gina louise]

Ok, here's one for personal growth... .  

My elderly father fell down dead in his home on Tuesday night. We got to the hospital just as the announced him DOA-we expected it.

We were able to see him, kiss his still warm head-tell him what a great man and Dad he was and say goodbye-thank you Hospital for the privacy, and the opportunity.

So NOW, I have told my stbxBPDh. Strangely enough, my Dad LIKED him, kindred souls in a way... .  and he's being all sweet, kind and supportive. Outta the blue! It fits with his need to be known/seen as a "good" person. He can go now and tell his coworkers and friends what a terrific go-to guy he is- even towards me- (he's divorcing me.)

I am struggling here. Feeling more alone- My Dad was my last living older relative -and struggling with NOT wanting to feel SO alone!

this SUCKS.   :'(

Everyone in my extended family has a SO... .  except me.(so I am feeling the alone/lonely part really badly)

I am feeling the injustices of the recent months visited on me via my stbxBPDh all over again-PLUS the loss of my beloved Dad.

Beyond just feeling it, and doing what I can for the memory of my Dad (writing his Obit. and planning the memorial)

are there ways to work through this loss without triggering myself to want to find solace w my stbxBPDh?

I have to admit to the temptation. 

I have also reminded myself of the hateful rages that brought me to these boards. And the resulting pain and chaos.

So I believe I am safely present in NOT wanting my stbxBPDh back in my life. Ever. (Like Taylor Swift. Never EVER.)

it's just a hard time to be really alone... .  

GL

[Salut]

Hey GL,

I'm so sorry about your dad.   . It's such a sad thing to loose someone so close to you. I don't know if this helps, but when my dad passed away, I was really able to embrace my sadness. In some way it felt really important... .  a testimony to the love I felt for him. A sort of openness to my father I never had when he was alive. Looking back, It was a really important time.

My rs with my pwBPD was fairly new at the time.  And I remember how supportive that felt.  How it seemed to buoy me up and really allow me to feel safe enough to be in my sadness.  But really I think I was supporting myself.  Regardless, my pwBPD did offer condolences and I believe he meant it. Maybe you could accept the kindness your H appears to be offering you. And use it to help support you.  He may actually be feeling empathy and loss himself. 

I hope you can be extra nice to yourself right now, and let yourself believe in goodness.

[Surnia]

Gina

So sorry to hear about your father! 

Great you could have a private moment in the hospital!

This moments can be tempting... .  .

We are here for you! You are not alone here! 

[Cumulus]

GL I am sorry to hear of your passing of your dad. My mother passed away a year ago, about nine months after I separated from my xBPDh. There was a feeling of loss of my continuity to the past. There was no longer anyone to go to that knew of my family's history. My mother suffered from mental illness throughout her life but sometimes under the disease you could see the funny and loving woman she was meant to be. I miss seeing that so.

I don't think there are any ways to get through it without thinking how wonderful it would be to have the comfort of someone you loved(still love?) be there for you. The many tasks involved in making plans is so difficult to do alone. Know in your heart and mind what is the right thing to do. I will be thinking of you today as you start the sad process of saying goodbye.

[Maryiscontrary]

I am sorry for your big loss. When it rains, it pours doesn't it. This appears to be a defining phas in your life.

[Rose Tiger]

   Oh Gina, I'm so sorry for your loss.  :'(  Praying for you and all those that loved your Dad.

[turtle]

Hi gina louise.

I'm so sorry about your Dad.  It's such a profound loss.

As far as wanting to reach out to your stbx, I went through the same thing when my Dad died.  What kept me strong was knowing -- accepting -- that any comfort my ex would offer would be a pharse and that it would come with strings that would cause me more anguish down the line.  Don't know if that fits for you.



turtle

[arabella]

Gina Louise - 

I wish I could offer you some amazing advice, but I just don't know what to say except that I'm so sorry to hear about your father. It's wonderful that you had a few final moments to say your goodbyes, I hope that will help you on your journey in grieving. I can't imagine how hard this must be for you right now.

Is there a friend or family member you could move in with for even just a day or two? Or who could come stay with you? I know that isn't the same as having an SO to support you, but maybe that will help to quell the urge to reach out to your StbXH? It could provide a physical reminder that you aren't all alone and that there isn't room in your life for your ex to come sneaking back in.

I'll be keeping you in my thoughts. I hope you are able to find some measure of peace as you move forward. Your strength in knowing to reach out here, in a healthy way for yourself, is proof that you're going to be okay - even if it's not so easy to see right now.

[gina louise]

thank you all so very much... .  

I believe my ex is either on some new meds, or in a happy, manic phase. (he started therapist about a month ago... .  so perhaps they prescribed meds... .  )

He seemed SO much better. Happy, sympathetic, anxious to help me-NORMAL... dare I say it?

He even said he would keep an open mind that maybe, MAYBE our marriage was not ALL bad, as he claimed. Said he only said the mean nasty things via text as he was still pissed off at me.(well... .  sure... .  )

He kept insisting that he's still my friend, and still MY HUSBAND. That's certainly new! Could it be that he has a rescuer complex?

He likes me better now that I am needy and hurting?

I am doing well in my paralegal courses, my life is ticking along slowly but surely.  Still I never wanted what happened between us to happen. The brutal ending. So it's very hard to experience this new (same old) guy that appears to support/like me again!

Right at a time when I feel alone and vulnerable. I am able to feel the pain of loss... which is good for me. I didn't cry over my Mom's death for weeks-there was so much to be done.

I can get through this... .  but man... .  it's rough. I have had a season I wouldn't wish on anyone.

GL

[Maryiscontrary]

Gina, hon, be very, very careful... .  my ex did the same stuff, then he would get stressed and rage even worse. this is a severe loose screw, I want you to be very, very careful.

[gina louise]

No worries,

stbxBPDh sent me a text last night that was meant for a date... .  LOL

all that let's hook up, Hey whatcha doin' stuff.

I said ? and he tried to cover up and pass it off.

This after he was trying to "talk" to me, and convince me we should maybe try?

NOT likely.

All I needed to do was watch and wait.      he was bound to crash and burn.

Today he e-mailed me that he's too inflexible and rigid, too conditional, and he's doomed to be alone. How sad.

I guess his date didn't work out.

GL

[Blessed0329]

GL, I hope you see his "mistake" as a blessing in disguise. I lost my dad to a long, drawn out battle with cancer in 2008, then lost my mom 1-1/2 years later in 2010. I went into a major grief/depression, and when I finally emerged about a year later, there HE was... .  Mister Wonderful! Oh, how he made it all better! He splashed my bleak world with the most wonderful colors, and loved me with such great depth, all my pain over losing my parents went away. But, then, he dragged me into a world of crazy I was not prepared for, leaving me totally dizzy and spinning, even as he danced away to a new adventure last July. Our relationship dwindled to virtually nothing, until I finally pulled the life support plug on it last week.

I am grieving again. Grief hurts, but it is a necessary part of saying goodbye. Please don't allow your ex to short circuit this necessary process for you. You have just  suffered a huge, unexpected loss. Take time to process it. Blessings.

[gina louise]

Blessed0329,

Absolutely! I wasn't going to even speak to him past condolences- and that's been done.

All his other drama... .  he had a date that obviously tanked badly.

But... .  but... .  ?

He told me earlier that he had nonstop sports with his son this weekend.  I smell a rat.

So now he's suffering, full of self pity and gloom-what happened to the 3 sports games? Back to back?

I don't need to go back to this level of white washing and deceit.

Meh... .  he can wallow there!

I have too much going on that's GOOD in my life now to mess things up with "what Ifs"

He showed me what I (never really) meant to him back when he threw me out in November.

I have gotten over the worst of things where He's is concerned.

Gotta stay focused on me now.

GL

[myself]

Hi,   sorry to read this. Hope you're well. You shared loving time and that's the best there is. Turn to yourself and those who truly care for you, not your ex. As you know, and are doing. Best wishes to you as you live your life being You!

[gina louise]

thank ALL,

thanks myself... .  hope you are well-

this Loss of my Dad briefly reminded me of other recent losses... .  but It was a blessing in disguise.

My stbxBPDh has vanished into the woodwork after kind condolences, thank goodness.

and I am spending time taking care of the Obituary and the memorial service for my Dad.

A sad but necessary part of life.

GL

[sheepdog]

gina louise, I don't have a whole lot to add.  I am so very sorry about your loss.  It is so hard.

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

Read over your past posts from waaaay back if you start to falter.  And of course, you've got this place.

[Maryiscontrary]

You know Gina, I am really sorry that your ex had severe empathy failure. This is a severe disability that deeply effects every single aspect of inner and social life. Please stay away from him. He cannot handle the emotional stress and he can really snap and become dangerous.

Gina, please only be around supportive people, proven supportive people with a strong workings of empathy.

[Phoenix.Rising]

Gina Louise,  I am very sorry for your loss.  I hope you will remember the wonderful times you had with you father, and know that he is truly at peace now.

Wow, you've had a double whammy with this loss and your divorce.  My mother lost her father right after going through a divorce with my dad.  I remember how difficult this was for her, and for me.  Be good to yourself.  Give yourself the goodness you deserve.  Take it easy, allow yourself your feelings.  Grief just takes time, no easy way around it.

I have a little meditation book that I've gone back to other the years called Healing After Loss by Martha Hickman.  It has helped me many times.  Take care.

[AnotherPhoenix]

  Gina,

You will be in my prayers and thoughts. I wish I could do more for you.

I can give you lots of support... .  do you feel it?

And, I can give you some hugs.     

I hope you are able to take the time you need to recover from this.

AnotherPheonix   

[GlennT]

Why is it, oftentimes, when your going through deep ~, aside from their own mess they caused, they are right there on the button? Beware if they tell you you'll be ok, or alright. They are really refering to themselves,  deep down gloating and glad that it's not them, instead of the vulnerable little bunny.

[gina louise]

AnotherPhoenix,

YES virtual support is still support!

thank you all so much.

It's been a rough "season" for me. I hope this is the last of the bad news for a while.

I was concerned that my stbxBPDh would use this as leverage to try to sneak back closer to me, but it's not happened. We've spoken a few times and he gave me advice on the estate and will... .  He does like his own lectures... .  LOL

Keeps saying he's sorry and reminding me that he went through this with his Dad. (4 years ago)

He kept telling me to call him anytime (what for?) Like he's some fount of wisdom I would turn to now. I found that amusing. He was trying to be nice. Since I am NOT calling... .  hes' dropped it.

I am trying to do stuff for myself even more so now than before. Spending time with family, even when I'd rather isolate. It helps.

thanks again... .  



GL