My boundaries in the face of secret move

[pixiepie]

last week the pwBPD and I kept coming to verbal blows, he kept reacting when I least expected it and we would have these odd disagreements which were stressful. His behaviour was poor and left me feeling very bad.

As an excersize I looked into the communication tools on here and ended up fashioning an email out of the tools to see if a new approach would help. Oddly it defused everything in entirely and he stopped reacting everytime we talked.

Yesterday I met the pwBPD at a rec centre to see him play a sport, he was late and told me he would explain after. at the end of the game we walked from the building with his friend and colleague who remarked to him was he in his new house and where was it... .   his new what?

He had moved house and concealed the entire event from me.

I knew that moving was on the cards because his landlord was selling the property he lived in, but he signed up for a new place, organised a van, moved the whole lot and never even mentioned he'd found a new house. I found it bizarre and I felt like I had been hijacked.

I was finding it very very difficult not to be out and out confrontational as we walked across a carpark to a big truck he hired because he wanted to show me something. He had locked the keys in the cab... .   and needed my help to get them out! Upon which point he burst out laughing at the whole situation and said "I almost got away with it"

I asked him why he felt the need to be so secretive, did he not trust me? or anyone else? He said he loved his old place, didn't want to move, felt grumpy, didn't want anyones help,felt abit of grief for the upheaval, and just wanted to do it his own way in that sort of "well its done now what are you going to do about it" type fashion.

Is this usual behaviour for a BPD?

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[briefcase]

So pixiepie,

First, I'm glad you found success with some of the communication tools!   

Moving to a new house is kind of a big deal and the fact that he didn't mention it to you is understandly upsetting.  People with BPD do this kind of stuff (and worse).

The fact that his actions bothered you tells me that you have a boundary violation in there somewhere. What are your values here that got violated do you think?   Trust? Honesty?  Openness?  What are your needs for these things in a relationship?

[redberry]

Pixiepie, I find this story interesting.  My BPD friend would do this same sort of thing.  He routinely doesn't tell me about things going on in his life, when he is planning to go out of town, selling his boat, or even that he asked someone else to join us for a ballgame--I wouldn't really know that anyone was joining us until the person showed up.  Not that I care if someone does, but why not mention that?  I'm not trying to be nosy, but friends tell each other what is happening in their lives.  I certainly tell my friends.

I'm convinced that BPDs compartmentalize interactions.  My friend will have tons of conversations going via text (always texting).  One party that he's texting and making plans with (or lying to) doesn't know about the other party who may hear a different story.  It's just strange, it's like he doesn't want any crossover.

My question is... .   Why?  Briefcase, you mentioned that BPDs do these kinds of things.  Can you give us some insight as to the reasoning behind it?

[pixiepie]

I failed to mention in my opening story, that we had lunch earlier in the day. I found out afterwards he stopped mid move to do this. He didn't seem to understand that this might look abit deceitful?

Briefcase. hmm... . violations. yes definitely I felt he didn't trust me. and I felt openness was missing. When he explained I understood his reasons, and could see from his point of view it wasn't about hurting anyone it was about doing what he needed to do the way he needed to do it unencumbered. I said to him I understood and that was fine, but that he needed to understand that an unintended consequence was that he could hurt peoples feelings, and that he didn't trust me to respect him enough to let him move without trying to help. I had already told him earlier that I would not offer my help as part of my own new boundaries, and that if he wanted my help he had to ask me and I would lend it. I think he got so deep into the determination to have it his own way he screened out all other possibilities. I asked him if he felt he'd been controlling and it mildly registered that he might have been.

@redberry - look I agree, whats with all the keeping everything separate? its weird! and the texting thing, my pwBPD does that as well, keeps all his friendships separate. I said to him last night you operate in a bubble with the people in your life so they experience a false sense of exclusivity and then get pissed off with him when the bubble is broke by the reality that that is not the case and he has lots of other friendships too. I too feel you share with friends small things and big things, but perhaps this is what separates us from the BPD's!

[yeeter]

I don't know... .   I don't think I am BPD, but I have kept a number of things to myself over the years.  It was a surprise announcement to a handful of friends when I got engaged (hadn't told them I was even dating). There may hav even been moves that I didn't tell (for sure I havent always told my mother when I moved... .   At least not immediately). Just my personality.

I'm just saying it doesn't 'have' to be BPD related.

[briefcase]

My question is... .   Why?  Briefcase, you mentioned that BPDs do these kinds of things.  Can you give us some insight as to the reasoning behind it?

Why? It's a question we all ask.    It's always hard to say.  There is no universal answer to why someone, especially someone with BPD, does any specific thing.   

Keeping secrets isn't unique to people with BPD - many of the things we don't like about our BPD partners are not unique to BPD (like lying, insomnia, cheating, addictions, abuse, rage, etc.). 

People with BPD are driven by emotions and their frantic efforts to control their anxiety, pain and intense emotions.  There is a lot of insight into BPD conduct in the Lessons and on the Questions board.  It's important information and worth reading. 

Here's the spoiler: After we get some general understanding of the disorder, the "why" of BPD becomes less important than focusing on ourselves and learning better ways to know and control ourselves and our own behaviors.   

Pixiepie's values and boundaries (for mutual trust and a higher level of openness in this relationship) were violated by the pwBPD's actions here.  Why he did it is kind of beside the point, he did it.  Now, with her boundaries in sharper focus, she can work on ways to react to this and ways to protect her from this kind of thing in the future.   

I hope this helps.   

[hellokitty4]

Funny that I found this today... .  

Yesterday BPD friend told me she would love to have dinner with me but she may have to go to the car dealership but she wasn't sure.  At 5pm I saw her and her drinking buddy walking into the gym together. My first reaction was... . did she just lie to me? Why couldn't she just tell me that she had others plans? And why use the dealership as an excuse? Before I got overly reactive, I took 2 steps back and thought about it... .   her daugher has Rel. Ed. class on Wednesdays so she couldn't have gone to the dealer in between. So it made sense that she went to workout... . I did send her a text letting her know.  I don't expect to know about her every move but in this case it looked like she lied. Is lying and ommitting the same thing?  She eventually told me how things came about.

She does seem secretive at times about exactly when she's leaving for vacation, exactly when to expect her back... .   but always has believable explanation each time. I have come to a point that I just take a breather, two steps back or whatever to calm myself down before talking to her. this helps me address the issue in a calm way and she is more receptive to that.

[yeeter]

Here's the spoiler: After we get some general understanding of the disorder, the "why" of BPD becomes less important than focusing on ourselves and learning better ways to know and control ourselves and our own behaviors.   

This is worth reading 20 times more